Capítulo 114: Theories of Self-Interest IIl
-- FEBRUARY 2005, JUNIOR YEAR --
The Honda Fireblade slowed down and made a right turn into the driveway of a nice suburban house. Kim stopped in the driveway and fished into her backpack for a remote, pressing it to open the garage door.
There was plenty of street parking, so I paralleled the Mustang and then got out. Taking a deep breath, I walked up the driveway, peeking inside the garage to see two cars already inside, and Kim parking her motorcycle right in the middle alongside another Honda sportbike. She took off her helmet, set it on the seat, and then walked back out into the driveway to meet me.
"I guess they're home," I said, pointing into the garage.
Kim nodded and gestured to the two cars, a beat up Acura and an older 2-door Accord with chrome rims. "That means my Dad is home, along with my older brother Nick. Mike isn't home yet."
"Nick's five years older than you, and Mike's two?"
Kim nodded. "Right. And John is the eldest, but he lives with his wife and son in Redwood City."
"Okay, okay." I tried to commit everything to memory. I hadn't given myself much time to go over these details. After all, I'd only decided to come here to Kim's house this morning.
After last night's 'Thursday fucking', I found myself left with more questions than answers about Kim's psyche. I knew that she felt like she'd been a submissive for her entire life, but she'd gone nearly catatonic after the confession about missing her father. I didn't know much about Doms and subs, and I wasn't sure how much faith I put into Kim's teenaged self-diagnosis. I just had to learn more.
Dawn had come home from her cooking class only a few minutes later, and I decided that I just had to get to the bottom of things. Since Kim was going home for the weekend as usual, I went to Viktoriya's office in the morning before her first class and asked permission to accompany Kim home. I explained my reasons, and although she had some hesitation, Viktoriya gave me her blessing.
Telling Kim was somehow much easier. I simply informed her that Viktoriya had approved my actions, and she promptly called home to let her father know that she was bringing her boyfriend home to meet him.
"Boyfriend?" she'd asked when I told her to refer to me as such.
"You're bringing a boy home to meet your family," I'd explained. "Would it be better to call me your Sexually-Dominant Master?"
Kim agreed that 'boyfriend' was the best approach. So now, like a good girlfriend, she slipped her hand into mine and led me to the front door.
"Are you nervous?" I asked.
With a serene look, Kim shook her head. "Not at all. Actually, Dad was always suspicious of how much time I spent with Grace. For months, he's been asking me questions about whether I was meeting any boys at school. I think he's afraid I'll turn out to be a lesbian. And I even told him about Bert last semester just to keep him happy."
"You told him you were dating Bert?"
Kim laughed and shook her head. "No, not dating. Just that Bert was coming after me. I told you ... I don't have a future with him."
My mouth went dry, and I couldn't help but ask, "But you think you have a future with me?"
Kim just smiled mysteriously and squeezed my hand. Then she reached out and pressed the doorbell.
Having been forewarned by the garage opening, Kim's father opened the door rather quickly. He said something formally in Japanese that I didn't understand, except that he used Kim's full name "Kimiko". Then turning to me, he extending his hand in greeting. "Preezed to meet you, Ben," he said with a thick accent.
"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Fukuzaki," I replied while shaking his hand.
"Come inside," he invited somewhat coolly, waving us in. He led us to the living room and gestured to the couches. I sat where he pointed, but before he sat down opposite me, he turned to Kim and ordered sternly, "Kimiko. Bring us tea."
"Hai," Kim replied formally, bowing her head. She then backed away with almost military precision and turned to head for the kitchen.
Without thinking about it, I arched an eyebrow at her behavior. Even though we were among other people, and indeed Kim had been almost playful in the walk up to the house, she had immediately become "submissive Kim" upon entering.
While Kim brewed us tea, her father and I made small talk. Kim and I had covered the basics, so I knew what to say. Apart from omitting that I already HAD another girlfriend, we stuck to the real-life facts. Kim and I had met our freshman year, we were interns together over the past summer, and she'd moved into my house to have someplace to stay without commuting. We'd been dating since the beginning of the school year, but Kim had not wanted to bring me home until the relationship was more established.
Kim arrived with the tea, serving both of us and then sitting down beside me. We didn't hold hands, respecting Asian protocol prohibiting PDA. And we continued the standard Girlfriend's Father Interrogation (TM).
Mr. Fukuzaki was exceptionally aloof. He had that old-school Japanese air about him, where everything was formal and ritualized. The few times he spoke to Kim were short, direct commands, absent any warmth. He was cold and detached, and I found myself wondering just why Kim would have mumbled last night that she missed her father.
Growing up, there had been a few times that I missed my parents. Usually, they were in times of great stress, times when I yearned for their comforting touch and affectionate embrace. I couldn't imagine the stoic man in front of me being comforting or affectionate toward Kim. Indeed, he hadn't even hugged her in greeting on our arrival.
But maybe that was the point. Kim said that she'd felt submissive for her entire life, even as a child. I had been wondering what Master had come along at some point, likely around that 15-year-old age when Kim told me she'd realized it was her nature. But perhaps there wasn't any external 'Master' influence. Maybe Kim's own father had simply been such a controlling influence that being given commands was all she had ever known.
This was all just speculation on my part, of course. The only data set I had to analyze was the formal setting of a father meeting his daughter's very first boyfriend. Of COURSE he wouldn't be all warm and fuzzy. But I'd come here with the express intention of trying to understand Kim's past. Getting her to explain things to me had been like pulling teeth over the past few weeks, but instead of letting things go, I'd been consumed by this need to figure her out.
The conversation turned away from my relationship with Kim and more specifically about me. Mr. Fukuzaki asked about my major and career goals, probing politely but firmly toward all the things that he could use to evaluate my potential as a provider for his one and only daughter. I had just started to explain about my family in Orange County and that I had grown up with four sisters when a handsome young man bounded up the hallway, and the sound of the garage door closing echoed from the hallway behind him.
"Kim, hey! You're home early!" he exclaimed without trace of an accent. I supposed that all of the children could speak perfect Californian.
"Masayuki!" Mr. Fukuzaki stated sternly. "We have a guest."
Mike, Kim's older brother by two years, darted his eyes to me and immediately came to a stop. "My apologies, sir," he said formally to his father with a bowed head before turning to me with a confused look on his face. "Hi, I'm Mike."
I stood up as he approached me with an offered hand, shaking it. "I'm Ben. Kim's boyfriend."
"Boyfriend? Whoaaa..." Mike drawled like a surfer dude, shooting his little sister a look. He looked both impressed and pleased at the same time, with a broad smile crossing his face.
Kim blushed and glanced down at her hands. Suddenly, I started to feel bad about my little ruse to come here. Kim's family was welcoming me in as her boyfriend, when really, I wasn't. I mean, we were close ... intimate, even. But what was I getting myself into?
"Guess this means you get a week off from letting me school you," Mike chuckled to his sister, reaching out and slapping her arm.
Without thinking about it, Kim automatically reacted by punching her brother's arm right back.
"Masayuki! Kimiko!" Dad barked sternly again, clearly not happy with his son's break from decorum.
Mike blushed, clearly chagrined. Kim stared at her feet subserviently.
Seeking to lighten the mood, I shrugged and asked, "Am I interrupting a family ritual?"
Kim remained silent, incredibly intent on her toes.
"It's just basketball," Mike explained. "Kim and I usually will go one-on-one for a bit when she comes home on the weekends."
"You play basketball???" I asked incredulously at Kim.
Mike frowned, looking over at me. "You didn't know? Girl is GOOD. Tell her, Dad."
Despite his stoicism, a glimmer of pride came into Mr. Fukuzaki's face. "All of my children are excellent athletes," he said softly. "I made sure of it."
I broke into a smile and looked over at Kim. "Well maybe after dinner, you two can still have your game. This I've GOT to see."
Dinner was delicious. Perhaps because he'd lost his wife twenty years ago, Mr. Fukuzaki was an excellent chef. Nick emerged from his room, proving to be a virtual carbon-copy of his younger brother, only with a short goatee and hair that nearly reached his shoulders. The five of us sat down to a pleasant meal.
Over the food, Mr. Fukuzaki started to lighten up. He was still formal, but not nearly as stiff, and the conversation flowed without awkwardness. The boys repeated many of the questions their dad had already asked me, and they all seemed to appreciate my praise of Kim's academic successes.
Despite the chattiness of her brothers, however, Kim remained nearly mute for the entire meal, speaking only when directly spoken to. What's more, none of her family members seemed surprised by this behavior. For the most part, the conversation went on without her, the exceptions being when someone asked her a direct question about life at Cal as it related to me, or when I deliberately went out of my way to try and include her.
I got the distinct impression that the "private" Kim I knew was the only Kim her family knew: quiet and reserved. Oh, she wasn't above punching one of her brothers or shooting them a harsh look when they joked about her, but that was it. She was like a little sibling who just hung around the edges of the action, observing but not really a part of it. More than just a little sibling, they treated her like a little brother. And I suppose no one was surprised that Kim had managed to keep me a secret for this long.
When we were finished, Mr. Fukuzaki directed his sons to clean up the dishes. He also went with them, leaving Kim to give me the mini tour of her house, which included her bedroom.
Once behind a closed door, I pulled her into a hug and gave her a quick kiss. She shivered in my arms, and when I glanced down at her, I asked again, "Are you nervous?"
"A little, now," she replied. "Not nervous. Just ... feeling strange."
"Why?"
"It's..." she began, not knowing how to finish. "I didn't realize how awkward this would feel. I've gotten used to being around you at school, and it is very different to be with you here. My home life has never been entirely comfortable for me. And now that my brothers and father are talking about ... dating things ... It's ... I'm just not used to it."
"What do you mean?"
Kim shrugged. "This is a house of boys. No mother, no women. Life was always about sports and cars and motorcycles. Sure, they talked about girls with each other, but not to me. Everyone knows that I am a girl, but they don't know how to treat me like a girl. Tonight was the very first time I think they have seen me as a woman, and everyone feels a little strange."
"Really? I didn't notice any awkwardness."
"Perhaps you didn't. But I know my brothers, and I know they are very surprised that I have a boyfriend. Mike asked me last year if I was a lesbian, and he was trying to tell me he would support me if I was."
I chuckled and leaned in. "Well ... he's half right, isn't he?"
Kim thought about that and then giggled. "Perhaps."
We laughed together, delighted smiles coming to both of our faces. Her eyes then rotated up to mine, big brown irises full of warmth as she looked up at me. Her arms tightened around my back, and with a sigh she added, "But I think I like being here with a man a lot more."
There was more meaning to Kim's words. She'd said she liked being here with a man, but what she really meant was that she liked being here with me. And holding her like this, seeing the joy on her face, I found that I rather liked being here with her. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to truly be Kim's boyfriend.
A knock sounded off at the door, startling both of us. Quickly, Kim backed away from me about six inches and answered, "Come in."
Nick opened the door slowly, as if scared that he would find Kim and me in some intimate embrace. Once he peeked his head around, he seemed relieved to find that we were fully clothed and standing in the middle of the room. "Dad said to get changed to play. You a baller, Ben?"
"Sure," I replied immediately, and then looked down at my jeans.
"No worries. I think I've got some things that will fit you. Maybe even an old pair of shoes."
I nodded. "Sounds good."
"Ah, come with me," he said, jerking a thumb back out into the hallway.
I looked back to my 'girlfriend'. "See you on the court."
Kim blushed and smiled, an almost cocky sparkle in her eyes.
Nick found me a loose pair of gym shorts and some Air Jordans that were within a half-size of my own. They might feel tight if I played in them for too long, but for a backyard game, they would be fine.
We arrived to find Mr. Fukuzaki and Mike warming up, dressed in their own gym shorts and T-shirts. There was a concrete patio big enough for a full half-court setup, with painted lines and everything around a portable 10-foot hoop.
I picked up a ball and started working the kinks out, having not played basketball very often over the last couple of years. My High School crew had gotten together on the court exactly once over Winter Break, but that was the extent of my practice in a long while.
Kim arrived two minutes later wearing baggy men's shorts and a ratty T-shirt. Her brothers welcomed her with fist bumps and she took a warm-up shot.
But then Dad stepped in and stated, "Kimiko? What are you wearing? Go upstairs and put on some nice clothes."
Kim frowned, and Mike wondered aloud, "Huh?"
"You are a pretty girl," Mr. Fukuzaki explained. "You should dress like one."
"Yes, sir," Kim replied meekly, turning immediately and heading back into the house.
The brothers looked at their own attire nearly identical to Kim's, than at each other in confusion. I went up to Mike and asked quietly, "Does she wear anything different on other weekends?"
He shook his head. "No, same old. But that's when it's only us. Ever since she just skipped Senior Prom because she had no interest in a date or even dressing up, Dad has been trying to get her to be more girly: makeup, dating, all that. It's not her fault. She grew up with us monkeying around with cars and learning to ride bikes. Dad just didn't know how to raise a girl. But I think he recognized that she needed to know how to be a woman, so he's been pushing her that way for a while, especially whenever we left the house. Guess you being here qualifies as a 'social outing'."
"Has he always told her what to do? I noticed that Kim is really quick to follow orders."
"You say that like it's a bad thing." Mike took a deep breath and sighed, pinning the ball against his hip while staring back toward the house. "Dad's a very deliberate and stubborn person, and he's kind of overprotective with Kim. I know she reminds him of Mom. He takes a lot of time to think about what he thinks is best for her, and then he goes out of his way to make sure she understands what he wants. As a kid, she used to rebel a bit. But I think she just learned that her life is easier when she does exactly what he tells her to do."
We continued shooting hoops, but after another minute, Mr. Fukuzaki approached me and pulled me aside. With a hand against my back, he pushed gently so I got the idea to keep walking and walking until we were out of earshot of the boys. And after wiping his sweaty hands and looking down nervously, he looked back up at me and said a little weakly, "Uh, Ben ... I don't know how to ask this. But it has been on my mind all night and I cannot be silent." He stopped and took a drawn-out deep breath. "Are you having sex with my daughter?"
My eyebrows popped and I jerked back, utterly shocked by the bluntness of his question. But at the same time, I was instantly disarmed by the honest worry in Mr. Fukuzaki's face. He wasn't trying to pry or be intimidating. Actually, he just looked plain nervous.
Still, that didn't mean I had to answer him. "Uh, with all due respect, sir," I began. "I think that's a private matter for you and Kim to discuss, not me."
"Please." He reached out and touched my forearm. Speaking slowly, taking care to form his English words despite his thick accent, he explained, "I'm just an old man who wants to know if his only daughter is still a virgin."
I gulped, not sure how to react. For one thing, I was pretty sure my non-answer was actually answer enough. If we hadn't slept together, wouldn't I have already told him so? But he wasn't threatening me nor looked like he was accusing me of anything. I thought he just genuinely had never really considered the possibility that his little girl might be sexually active despite being twenty years old and in college, and only my arrival today had made him start to think about it.
Fortunately, Kim arrived just then, dressed in a yellow Adidas ensemble of matching tank top and short shorts. She'd added a yellow headband to her ponytailed hair. And her white socks were now knee highs that were simultaneously retro and sexy. Indeed, Kim now looked like a sporty girly-girl instead of the androgynous tomboy who'd first come down to the court.
Nick whistled in amazement.
Mike drawled, "Duuude."
It looked like neither brother had ever seen their sister dressed up like this.
"Where'd you get that outfit?" Nick asked.
Kim blushed and looked down. "Always had it," she mumbled. "Just never thought to wear it here."
"Don't. Ever." Mike had mumbled even quieter, turning his head. "I can't believe my sister has boobs."
Nick immediately punched his brother's arm, as if disgusted Mike had even brought that up. "Focus. Don't get distracted."
"Right, right."
Mr. Fukuzaki straightened himself and turned to face his boys. "Two-on-two. Mike and Kim against Nick and Ben," he ordered. "Loser has to play their next game with ME."
Still dressed in my borrowed gym clothes and carrying my polo shirt and jeans over one shoulder, I said goodbye to the Fukuzakis. Nick clapped my shoulder and told me any guy who could play as well as I could was good enough to date his little sister. Mike was still complaining that I must've fouled him over the back to get that last offensive rebound and tip-in. And Mr. Fukuzaki simply shook my hand and thanked me for coming.
Still dressed in her cute yellow outfit, Kim led me to the door. I put my arms around her waist and pulled her against me.
"They're still looking," she said quietly.
"Let them look," I stated evenly and then dipped, kissing her softly on the lips, though I kept my mouth closed.
She quivered happily and kissed me back before remembering where she was, and she rocked back on her heels after having gone up on her tiptoes to meet me.
"Drive safe, boyfriend," Kim said with a little smile on her face, her eyes twinkling.
"See you Sunday, girlfriend," I replied warmly. And then with a final wave to the three men standing further back in the hallway, I went out the door and headed down to the Mustang.
Only when I sat down in the driver's seat and started up the ignition did I stop to think about everything that had happened this night. I now knew three things I hadn't know before:
One: The reason why Kim has missed her father was because he had unwittingly been her Master growing up, giving her commands at all times in part because he did it with all his children, but more because he had always been extra hard and directive with her as the lone daughter that he just didn't know what else to do with. She'd come to depend on his direction to live her life, and became lost without it as she grew up and moved away.
Two: Kim was an amazing athlete, with better hand-eye coordination and athletic ability than I had thought possible.
And three: Without a doubt, Kim Fukuzaki was completely in love with me.
"What am I going to do?" I sighed, hanging my head.
Dawn rubbed the back of my hand encouragingly. We were sitting side-by-side on a couch in the living room, the house empty except for the two of us. I'd returned home from the Fukuzakis to find her waiting and immediately told her everything, including my belief concerning Kim's feelings for me.
She took a deep breath and shrugged. "Depends, how do you feel about her?"
I frowned, "Are you asking if I love her too?"
"Do you?"
"No." I shook my head, not upset but puzzled that my girlfriend might think I could be in love with our roommate. "Have I done anything to make you think that I did?"
"No, not specifically. But then, there have been a lot of times in the past few weeks when I haven't been around and you've been alone with her."
"I'm not."
"Okay. And really, it's not like this would be the first time you've had two girlfriends, or felt in love with more than one woman."
"Dawn," I said seriously. "You're my one and only true love."
She smiled.
"So what do I do?" I asked again.
She took a deep breath again, and looked to me. "What do you think you should do?"
I took a deep breath, thinking about it. Dawn was right about one thing: this was a situation where I needed to come up with my own action plans. My girlfriend was here to help give me advice, but I couldn't spend my entire life expecting the women around me to always tell me what to do. "I dunno exactly. Just be honest with her. I'm her friend, and I'm willing to protect her. But you're my girlfriend and it's you I really love."
Dawn nodded. "I think she understands that. If you ask me, she's been in love with you for a while."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Dawn giggled. "I'd have to be warning you every week that a new girl is in love with you."
"Please do."
She laughed and shrugged. "Doesn't really matter. You know now. And Kim has certainly figured out how to keep her feelings in check for the past few months at least. Well, up until you had that little romantic 'date' a couple of weeks ago."
I sighed. "If I'd known, I'd never have done that. Feels like I was leading her on."
"You were, a little bit. But now that you know, we can get it worked out. Let's just sit down with her on Sunday night when she comes back, and we'll all talk to get things out in the open. My gut tells me she'll understand that things are better as status quo."
"I hope so. I really don't want Kim to get hurt."
"I know. You're sweet like that." Dawn leaned forward, hugging me firmly and kissing my cheek softly.
"Yeah, well I might play around a bit, and we all have some fun. But this sweetness ultimately belongs to you," I stated seriously, turning and looking my girlfriend in the eye. "Forever."
"Forever," she nodded in agreement. And her next kiss wasn't so soft.
It was just after dinner on Sunday night when I heard a key jiggle in the front door. A few seconds later, still dressed in her motorcycle leathers after driving back to school from her home in Sunnyvale, Kim walked through the hallway and said 'Hi' to everyone in the living room.
"Hey" "Hey" Brooke and DJ greeted from their respective spots on the couch. After spending most of the weekend with their boyfriends ... again ... they were getting a late start on completing their homework due Monday morning.
"You hungry?" Dawn queried from in front of the TV.
"I'm fine, thank you," Kim replied politely, and then headed upstairs.
I had been doing dishes but now turned away from sink, looking back to my girlfriend. Dawn had gotten up and nodded to me. I dried my hands and headed for the stairs, Dawn coming right after me.
After I knocked on Kim's bedroom door, she called out, "Come in."
I entered to see Kim sitting up on her bed. Her motorcycle jacket had already been hung up, and her leather pants were on the floor. She smiled as she saw me and pointed to her dresser, asking cutely, "Should I bother putting on any pants, boyfriend?"
I grinned, but popped my eyes and turned back to see Dawn following me inside.
Kim's face fell immediately. Bowing her head, she quickly went to the dresser and pulled out some pajama pants, snaking them over her legs quickly.
"Hey, how was your weekend?" Dawn asked lightly.
"It was good," Kim replied weakly, not meeting Dawn's eyes.
"I'll bet your dad and brothers had a few things to say about me," I chuckled, trying to be casual.
"My brothers had lots of questions, of course," Kim replied dully. "My dad doesn't really share his thoughts with me."
"Yeah, that figures." I nodded as I dropped into the desk chair. Kim sat down on the bed, looking warily at Dawn as the blonde sat down next to her.
"Is everything okay?" Kim asked fearfully.
"Everything's fine," Dawn explained. "We just wanted to chat."
"About what?"
Dawn glanced at me, and I took a deep breath before saying slowly, "About your feelings for me. Now I know it was my idea to visit your family posing as your boyfriend, but at the time I didn't realize just how strongly you felt about me."
Kim was pale, staring at the floor. She'd gone catatonic, and didn't even blink. Whenever she found herself in an awkward situation in public, she would always just go quiet and become a wallflower. Even though it was only the three of us in this room, she seemed to be doing the same.
"Hey..." Dawn soothed, reaching up and stroking Kim's back. "It's okay. We're not mad or anything. We just wanted to talk."
Kim finally blinked, but didn't look at either of us. In a voice full of fear and so quiet that we could barely hear her, she said, "I don't mean to do anything to harm your relationship, Dawn. You have been nothing but kind and accepting of me ever since I moved in and-"
"It's alright, it's alright," Dawn stated warmly, holding a hand up to forestall any further protests from Kim. "I understand."
"I'm sorry," Kim repeated.
"You don't need to be," Dawn said. Taking a deep breath, she then reached over and touched my forearm. "You know what, I'm going to go back downstairs and leave you two alone."
"What?" I chirped in surprise.
"It's okay," Dawn reassured us both. "I think this will go better if the two of you just talk alone. Kim, I think, will relax a bit more with me gone."
Kim didn't respond, still staring at the floor. I looked at her, then back at my girlfriend. I'd have felt more comfortable with Dawn's support and insight to do this, but she was probably right.
Dawn then touched Kim's arm, saying encouragingly, "You'll feel like you can be more honest without me being in the room. Just know that I'm okay with everything, and I don't hold anything against you. Ben's great, and I'm happy we can both be a part of your life."
Kim blinked a few times, squeezing out a bit of the moisture that had been forming in her eyes. She didn't respond verbally, but she nodded.
Dawn got up, coming to me and kissing my cheek before leaving and closing the door behind her. I took a deep breath, then got up and took Dawn's place on the bed.
"Kim," I began slowly. "Are you in love with me?"
She didn't answer immediately. I took another deep breath, wondering if I should command her to tell me, but just when I was about to do so, she mumbled almost inaudibly, "Yes."
I nodded slowly. "I'm sorry about the weekend. It was my idea to visit your family, and I didn't realize what kind of pressure this whole thing would put on you. I was just trying to understand you better, especially after what you said about missing your dad the other night. I just didn't really think through all the ramifications of posing as your boyfriend and what that would do to you."
"Don't apologize for that. I had a wonderful time," Kim said, finally looking up at me. She really was relaxing more after Dawn had left. A hint of a smile tugged at her lips, and she looked down in her lap, fiddling her fingers together. "I never imagined I would get to play basketball with you and my brothers."
"They were good. I was the tallest one out there, but Nick is an amazing jumper and Mike can dribble circles around me."
Kim flashed me a genuine smile as she looked up at me. "You've also saved me some grief from my dad."
"Saved you some grief?" I wondered, perplexed. "I'd have thought your dad would be peppering you with questions after bringing your very first boyfriend home."
Kim shook her head. "Not at all. He didn't ask me a thing about you. But I could see a satisfaction in his eyes. My dad has worried for a long time that he wasn't a good enough father for me. My inability to be a proper 'girl' made him blame himself. I know he was worried I would end up an old maid, still living at home when I was fifty and existing only to take care of my 85-year-old dad."
I shrugged at the thought.
"You have given him hope, hope that I will eventually marry and bring him grandchildren." Kim went silent again, looking away.
I was a little slow on the uptake. It took me a minute to realize that while my visit had allowed Kim's father to relax a bit, I had only put pressure on Kim herself. I sat up straight and asked, "Have I made your life more difficult?"
She thought about that for a moment, and then shook her head. "No."
"Really? I mean, now your family expects you to have a boyfriend and eventually a husband and all that. That's pressure on you that I've created."
Kim shook her head. "That's pressure that I've always had. You have alleviated the pressure for the boyfriend. The husband and children I still have some time for."
My eyebrows furrowed. "Is that what you want someday? A husband and children?"
She looked up at me, a surprising intensity in her dark eyes. "Yes, I do. I will devote myself as wife to my Master and bear his children."
I arched an eyebrow. To my mind, a husband and wife were a partnership of equals, like my parents or the Evanses. I couldn't reconcile the concept of marriage with Kim's submissiveness. "This isn't some stereotypical Japanese thing, is it?"
Kim actually cracked up, shaking her head. "No, this is just me."
I chuckled along with her, but the discussion had now brought us back to the initial reason why I was here. I took a deep breath, composing myself before asking evenly, "Kim ... Were you hoping that I would be that man for you?"
She didn't answer. Instead, she got up off the bed, walking away from me and around the room, circling around the bed and into the far corner, staring at the wall. I watched her shoulders rising and falling as she breathed deeply to compose herself. And I remained where I was, just waiting her out.
Eventually, she turned around to face me. Kim had found some inner source of strength and there was firmness in her body language as she stated evenly, "You have a girlfriend."
"That's not an answer."
"It is. You belong to her."
"Kim ... even if I didn't ... I don't know that I'm the right man for you. We've talked about this, I'm not a Dominant."
Kim mused on that, looking down. She took a deep breath and then looked back up at me again, stating, "A True Master would not love me back, not romantically. A True Master would care for me, and perhaps love me like they would a dear child. But a True Master would need to be aloof, to allow themselves to separate their feelings for me from their decision-making. We have talked about this, too."
Nodding, I replied, "I remember."
Kim tilted her head to the side, saying, "My husband would love me."
It was clear in her eyes that Kim hoped for that husband to be me. Setting my jaw firmly, I said, "I love Dawn."
"I know."
"I'm going to marry her."
"Probably."
"Then how can you hope to marry me?"
Kim blinked a few times, musing on that. Like her father, she considered things very deliberately before speaking. And after a few moments, she stated evenly, "Self-centeredness."
"Excuse me?"
"Nash's Equilibrium," she added.
I chuckled at the reference to the Economics topic that had played such a large role in Professor Isakova's class this semester. But I shook my head and said, "I don't think you've got it down right. If I'm the blonde, then you and Dawn both going after me is going to cause conflict and a lack of success for both of you."
Kim shook her head. "I'm not talking about the movie. In true equilibrium, both parties must act in their own best interests while taking into account the actions of the other. I understand that Dawn loves you and wants to be with you. Knowing that, I'm doing what I think is best for me."
"And that is?"
"Staying a part of your life," she answered, her voice suddenly thick with emotion. "In any way I can."
Her tone went straight to my heart. "Kim..."
"I am your teammate in school, and you are my leader. I am your friend on campus, and you are mine. I am your mistress in this house, and you are my Master."
"But I belong to Dawn. If you were truly thinking self-centeredly, then you would be looking for someone who could be everything that you need."
"I have found him."
I shook my head. "You can't be banking your entire future on the slim chance that Dawn and I break up."
She shook her head. "I'm not. In fact, I think it is in my best interests for you and Dawn to remain together."
"Huh?" Now I was really confused.
Kim now returned to the bed, staring at me with an almost eerie smile on her face as she climbed on and sat beside me, her legs trailing off to her right while she braced her left hand on the mattress. "We spoke of Nash's Equilibrium two weeks ago as well. You asked how I could reconcile my mandate to think of my own self-interest with my behavior to do whatever you tell me to do."
I blinked, racing back through my memory. "Okay..."
"I told you they were one and the same."
I shook my head. "That doesn't make any sense. Doing whatever I want you to do is the exact opposite of self-interest."
She shook her head, and then smiled wickedly. "Let's say you wanted to go out and eat pizza, but Dawn wanted to eat burgers. If she asks you what you want to eat, what do you tell her?"
I chuckled as Kim was citing my own example from that past conversation. "I tell her 'burgers', if I know that's what she wants."
"And why would you do that?"
I shrugged. "Makes her happy, which makes me happy."
"Then you understand."
I pursed my lips, shaking my head. "Agreeing to let my girlfriend choose the night's meal is one thing, especially when it's not that big of a deal to me. Living your life letting someone else tell you what to do is completely different."
Kim shook her head. "No, it isn't different. It's just ... more extreme."
"It's completely extreme."
"But that doesn't make it any less true for me."
I shook my head in disbelief. "How can you do it?"
Kim sighed, smiling at me. "My father loves me. He would move Heaven and Earth to make sure I am safe and happy. I don't think he realized how much it affected me, but I could always take comfort in his directions, his commands, knowing that he would never intentionally hurt me. From the time I was a little girl, I always knew that whatever he told me to do, he was telling me because he loved me."
Kim then slid closer to me on the bed, reaching up and wrapping her arms around my chest. She pillowed her head on my shoulder, exhaling slowly.
"I know that if I put my trust in you, that you will never let me come to harm," she said in a quiet voice.
"Kim, I'm not your father. I can't replace him."
She shook her head. "I don't ask you to. He would always be my father, and no one can replace him. I want you to be my Master."
"This is dangerous. You're too vulnerable, and this is too big a responsibility. What if I let my baser instincts influence me? I could easily end up just using you for my own self-gratification."
Kim pulled back, smiling up at me. Her hand slid down my chest, and a sparkle came into her eye as she moved even lower and brushed over my crotch. "Perhaps you will have me do things only to satisfy your own self-interest, or even only your physical lust. I will still enjoy those things, knowing that I am pleasing you. Your happiness is my happiness, just like Dawn and the burgers."
Gently, but firmly, I reached up and tugged on Kim's shoulders. I pulled her away from me, enough so that we could look at each other face-to-face. "I'm sorry. I can't do this. Not right-" I caught myself, stopping before I finished saying 'Not right now'. The last time I wavered on something like this I found myself obligated to have sex with Chevelle.
Kim leaned forward, hope in her eyes as I began the 'not right now' phrase.
I tried to dash that hope by saying, "Not ever, Kim. I'm not that kind of person, and I really do love my girlfriend. I'm sorry, but I don't think I could ever be the kind of man you need me to be."
Kim smiled, reaching up with one hand and brushing my lips with a thumb. Still with that sparkle in her eyes, she said, "You already are." And then she turned around, sliding off the bed.
I pinched the bridge of my nose, feeling the frustration building inside me. Kim wanted more of me than I could give her, and she seemed to be in denial about my rejection. But before I could say anything, she went to the door and opened it.
"Nothing needs to change," Kim stated confidently, more confident than I'd ever heard her before. "You are Dawn's boyfriend. I am just a roommate. I humbly ask that you allow me to continue being your mistress, at least on Thursdays. Everything can stay status quo."
I sighed. "How can we just go back to normal, knowing that you have these feelings for me?"
Kim shook her head. "My feelings have been the same for many months now; they will not change. I swear I will not interfere in your relationship with Dawn. As I've told you: I truly believe that your happiness will ultimately lead to my happiness. All I want is for things to stay as they are."
I mused on that, pinching my lips together and staring at the mattress in front of me. What other options did I really have? Cut things off with Kim entirely and potentially create a roommate conflict? Ask her to move out and avoid her like the plague? Of course not.
I wasn't sure I bought Kim's 'your happiness equals my happiness' thing, but I did know that I cared about her. I'd cared enough to come up with that totally reckless plan to visit her family and pose as her boyfriend, and I wasn't about to abandon her now. I may not have completely understood the way she felt about me, but I figured I could work with "status quo" and go from there.
So taking a deep breath, I got up off the bed and approached her. She stood by the door, smiling up at me with all the force of her undying love behind her eyes, no longer covering up as she'd probably done for the past few months.
Just another day in my ordinary life.
I knew I wouldn't be able to figure out all the complexities of Kim's personality on my own. I tried doing a little internet research, but just came up with a bunch of conflicting opinions from people who barely seemed to know what they were talking about. The only things I really figured out were that a submissive personality is not a one-size-fits-all thing and that every individual has their own unique quirks.
But even if the internet couldn't really help me, I knew someone who could. After all, who better to understand Slave Kim than her Mistress?
I arranged to meet Viktoriya in her office. And on Wednesday afternoon, rather than play video games with Bert, I went and visited my professor.
"Hello, Dr. Isakova," I said in greeting when she opened the door.
"For what you want to talk about, I think you should call me Viktoriya," she replied, waving me inside.
I grinned, and as I walked into the room, I rather deliberately reached out and grabbed a handful of her ass. Viktoriya squeaked in surprise, her eyes popping. But when I just rubbed her buttcheek and let go, her only response was to level me with a mock indignant gaze. There was no heat behind it; her sparkling eyes and silly grin gave her away.
I took a wing chair, and when Viktoriya sat down across from me, I noticed that she'd undone the extra slut-button on her blouse. Her desk was still pushed against the wall, so that there was nothing between us. I gawked at her well-formed legs as she crossed them, her knee-length skirt riding up just enough to show me that her stockings were held up by some rather sexy garters. And she gave me that old predatory smile.
My mind started to percolate with possibilities, but she dashed them when she took a deep breath and said, "This is fun, but don't get any ideas, Benjamin. I'm still your professor. You can look, but don't touch again."
"Yes, Ma'am," I replied contritely, all sense of being her master evaporating immediately.
"You said you wanted to talk about Kim. How did things go at her family's house?"
"Pretty well, I think." I started to give Viktoriya the play-by-play of that evening, starting with our arrival and the way Kim lit up while role-playing "boyfriend-girlfriend". I got a little sidetracked passing on the bit of Kim's history I'd learned, about her never having a serious boyfriend before and her family wondering if she was gay. I got myself back on track, illustrating my initial meeting with Kim's father. But once again, I got sidetracked as I explained my theory about how Kim's behavior stemmed from the commanding presence her father had always played in her life.
When I tried to return to the play-by-play narrative, Viktoriya interrupted me, having me elaborate on the theory of Mr. Fukuzaki being Kim's first "Master". I cited other examples throughout the night of her father adopting what I termed the "command tone", and Kim blindly obeying him. And we stayed on that topic for some time.
Viktoriya then switched gears and started grilling me about my relationship with Kim up to this point. A part of me was hesitant to say too much, my instinct to protect the privacy of a friend kicking in. By Viktoriya probed gently, and constantly reminded me that Kim had chosen HER for a Mistress, so I opened up a little more.
Still, I held back some of the more private thoughts we'd shared. After all, if Viktoriya really wanted, she could ask KIM about these things, a bit of logic I used as a defense more than once. Viktoriya told me that she HAD asked Kim these things, but wanted to get my perspective.
The prying started to get a little personal, with Viktoriya's interrogation turning more to my relationship with Dawn, and at some point, I just cut her off. "Hey, I didn't come here to spill the beans on my love life. I thought you could help me understand KIM."
"I'm sorry," Viktoriya apologized. "I didn't mean to press you so hard. It's just ... I'm trying to understand something myself."
"What?"
She sighed. "I'm losing her."
My eyebrows furrowed. "What?"
"You're not the only one to figure out that Kim has fallen in love with you," Viktoriya explained. "There is a wide range of submissives, from true slaves to simply insecure people who want a strong protector in their lives. Kim falls somewhere in the middle of that spectrum, with both a natural inclination to follow the lead of others as well as her own self-motivations. What that means is that she seeks out a Master, or Mistress in my case, to help guide and protect her. But she also follows her own heart and instincts. And right now, her heart is leading her to you."
"What are you saying? That she wants me to become her Master? Not in addition to you, but instead of you?"
Viktoriya nodded. "And I think you should."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I stammered, holding my hands up. "I'm no Dominant. I couldn't possibly take on responsibility for her."
Viktoriya smirked, "You didn't do such a bad job with me."
"I had no idea what I was doing."
"You were a natural."
"It was just a game. You were just playing a role during sex. You're not actually submissive, and I knew it. This is entirely different."
"Not so much. Even if I was just playing a role, you did your part admirably. You took charge, but you weren't selfish. You were forceful, but you weren't harmful. You acted with confidence and inspired trust in both me and Kim. And you were always cognizant of your treatment of us."
I shook my head. "You're a 40-year-old grown woman. Sex slave game or not, I knew you were mature enough to handle things even if I screwed up. But Kim's just a young girl!"
Viktoriya took a deep breath. "She's a fully-functioning 20-year-old young woman. She has full control of her faculties; she's not retarded. She consciously subverts her decision-making and surrenders them to others by choice, not because she's incapable. If pressed, Kim can and will defend herself. She's not helpless."
"But you're asking me to be responsible for her. You're asking me to guide her decision-making. How can I do that when I'm not even in control of my OWN decision-making?"
"I think you do just fine. You make mistakes, but nothing that's irreversible," Viktoriya stated confidently. "I've had the opportunity to observe and evaluate you for nearly two years now, with several months in extremely close contact. You are bright, moral, and have exceptional empathy."
"That empathy is exactly why I shouldn't be Kim's Master. She said so herself: A True Master divorces his feelings from his decision-making."
Viktoriya shook her head. "Not exactly correct. We've talked several times about self-interest and self-centeredness, not only in this class but also during your internship. You've shown that you're capable of making decisions while considering the consequences not only for yourself, but for the people you care about. THAT'S the hallmark of a True Master. To make decisions for Kim's interest, and not solely for your own selfish pleasure. Your ability to empathize with her is critical. It allows you to recognize what's best for her, and take action to see that it happens."
I blinked several times, letting that all sink in. Rather than being an impediment, my empathy for Kim was IDEAL. Only someone who really cared for Kim could do what was best for her, and not just use her.
"The reality is that this is happening whether either of us likes it," Viktoriya went on. "I have done my best to prepare her, to teach her how to think for herself a little more. She put her faith in me to improve her as a person, and I think I've done that. In fact, I've taught her so well that she has been able to self-initiate enough to separate herself from me. And as I've recognized her growing independence, I have lifted some of her restrictions. You will remember a few weeks ago when we eliminated the 'Thursdays-only' rule."
"I remember," I replied quietly, still thinking about the empathy implications.
"I've noticed her fondness for you growing and growing. The reality is that she has spent more time with you than she has with me, being your roommate and a part of your inner circle of friends. I let you go to Kim's family and pose as her boyfriend because I knew this was coming."
I just nodded quietly, still trying to process all the information that was coming at me.
"She's in love with you, and from what I gather, her feelings have not negatively impacted your relationship with Dawn. This is a good thing, because it means that you have found a balance between being a part of Kim's life and maintaining your girlfriend. This is critically important, because while Kim is in love with you, I don't think it would be a good idea for you to fall in love with her. Not yet, at least."
That brought my head up. "What? Why?"
Viktoriya shrugged. "As you've said: You are not a Dominant. And even though Kim has gained a measure of self-initiation, she still needs that commanding direction above her. For you to fall in love with her would make her an equal and give her influence over you. And while your empathy for her is a good thing, falling in love with her WOULD cloud your judgment and your ability to do what's best for her."
I nodded and looked out the window. It was a cloudy day, rather common for Berkeley. But the clouds were beginning to part, allowing a sunbeam to peek through.
"Is Kim going to leave you?" I asked finally.
"Not on her own, she wouldn't. And not unless she was sure you were taking over that role."
"So if I do nothing, everything stays status quo?"
"Benjamin," Viktoriya said quietly. "Nothing ever stays status quo. We're only human, and our lives are ever changing. Kim's feelings will grow or wane depending on your actions, especially now that you both are aware of them. On some level, you have to decide if you're willing to take responsibility for her."
I took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly.
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