Capítulo 56: [LV] — Faceless Back
The expression that Icto had on his face for the first time since a few years, it made my heart fall into the depths of the past. I've tried to forget, what tainted my heart. Filling my every day with as many activities I could, with time one doesn't forget all the bad things, but rather distort them.
Looking back at the things that once were, them being in the distant past, you sometimes ask yourself if that has even happened. Maybe it's your mind just playing tricks with you, maybe it was a dream. Maybe it was something you came up with on your own.
When people from your past disappear, there is nothing holding you longer to the reality that happened a few years ago. It melts with the doubts of the moment, and the imaginary perfect future that you wanted to have.
So, when I ask myself, why didn't I recognize these unsettling, blue eyes, back then in the dark alleyway, the ones that made my heart shiver with emotions, I now understand.
The aura around them changed. The same eyes were different, glowing with no passion and energy as back then.
They were... Shallow.
Dull enough for me to keep up the distorted image of the past and keep going on, without connecting the dots.
Or maybe it was, I wanted to erase them from my memory for once.
It's like when you get too drunk, the consciousness of the moment becomes unreachable. And then you wake up, forgetting all the things that you did. You were conscious within the unconsciousness. The mystery of one's mind.
After the moment Icto's brother has died, I was in such a drunk state. The surrounding have shifted into a mix of different dimensions. The emotions were abruptly removed, with a distaste of the life leaving a mark.
The hollow look from one's eyes, it's the most terrifying thing to me. Being gazed upon with such an expression right now, it makes me sick.
The grudge in his heart, I asked myself if it's still there, despite him being so friendly towards me, after everything happened.
Right now, I know it is. He hid it so well, behind his soft smile, behind his words, behind his comforting presence.
Now, it reeks from the crevices that have been engraved in his body. Almost three years, we did not forget what made us like this.
He didn't.
His eyes could tell it all.
I am the mischief of his life.
...
"...Are we going to stay in a silence like this? Don't you have anything to tell me?" — I asked him after a long while of us both glaring into the walls.
He didn't smile like he used to do. The face of his had a blank expression.
I thought I'm never going to see him again. So happy to see him... The joy almost vanished at the sight of his emotionless face. The thread of hope I tied to him...
It now seemed as if there was nothing to tie myself to at all. I wanted to cry, to wail, as I understood the only hope that I had, the only den of peace I thought I must find, turned out to be a cold and deserted place, unwelcoming and lonely.
"Why... Why aren't you telling me anything...?" — Whispering into the silence, the tears have slowly filled my eyes.
All of the guilt has fallen into my heart, slowly crushing it in a tightening grip.
"...I wonder if I should." — His quiet voice finally answered me.
I swept the tears from my eyes, to see him gazing into me intensely. The look from his halfway closed eyes, it had a mad feeling.
"If you don't want to talk to me, why are you even here!? Why did you tell me that... You're glad I'm okay, if... You feel so distant right now... My room. My home at first... With this nightmare of a creature here..." — I wondered deeply. His previous comforting words... Were they just a fraud? — "How do you know of this place...?"
After a painful while, he finally answered me.
"I don't know myself... Why I'm here... What if I told you I hoped for a miracle. Even if I knew I'd never see you again... I wished to see your face, and it was granted?" — He gazed into my face with an emotion opposite to what he was saying.
"So why... Do I feel like you didn't want to... Find me at all..."
"Maybe because I didn't believe it would happen. Maybe because after they took you, everything collapsed. Maybe because every person who does something bad, never appears again in my life..."
His voice drifted into the still air. Grief filled his eyes, as did the venom hidden behind his words...
"Have I done something... bad?"
The disdain reeking out of his eyes, it reaches his limit as I asked this question.
"Do you really... Not understand what happened?" — Icto threw me a stare like if he thought he's talking to someone stupid. — "The fact that everything got destroyed after you came to witness what you shouldn't. Everything was going good, as planned, until your chaotic curiosity had to doom all! Why couldn't you just wait for me like planned? Why did one of your decisions had to impact thousands of people?!" — He was raising his voice up in a scary way, making me more frightened every second.
His eyes beamed with disdain, the eyebrows of his were crossed in an unpleasant expression. My hands were starting to shake uncontrollably, as all of a sudden accusations were falling over me. The horrible feeling of being the fault was weighing me down to earth. He never raised his voice like that. He never judged anyone like that. It was scary and horrible. The dark demons surrounding me were getting countless.
"Every time something horrible happened... You were the one who started it. Why? Why does anything involving you have to impact my world so much? I..."
He finally broke from the state he has been in for years. I can't really understand what was the force that made him keep it all up inside. Every time we met, is this what he really thought about me? That I ruined his life? That I was the cause of all of his problems?
Maybe I am, indeed. A pitiful creature responsible for the destruction, thoughtless and unable to fix. But...
I feel too. I'm a human, or at least I appear to be. I see, I witness, I try to understand the cause. I do before I think, I run before I fight. I regret, and I convey, looking at the past, everyone has something they would change. But the life is going forwards, and things done in the past cannot be changed. Only regret lasts as a memento.
"...You think... I don't know that? You think I wanted all of this to happen?!" — The tears were pouring off my face, and my words were sharply stinging my ears. — "If I could, I would erase it all. My issues, my mistakes, even myself, if it would make the world a better place. My life's goal was to make it like that... If I can make the world a better place by disappearing...
Maybe I should consent to that desire... "
I glared into the gray ceiling, which was low above my head. I wish it could fall on my head, but... what would be next?
Would all the pain I went through be rewarded?
A soft fur of the animal came in contact with my hand. It's eyes, there were staring at me as if it wanted to say me not to worry. But how could I not...
"I know deep in your heart... You can accuse me of being the fault... You lost your brother because I was scared of making someone realize the truth. That violence and hatred doesn't make one's life better at all. That everything, what has consequences, can be survived, if only... Someone held your hand tightly enough... I was scared to abandon... A person I thought I had a hold of... And now... You don't even know how much I feel the pain. The fault. Everything around me is being ruined, wherever I go... You don't know how glad I am to at least see you... alive..."
The last word, I didn't have the strength to speak it out. Sorrow surrounded me whole, pushing out any other feeling I've gathered in my heart.
The emptiness of this place, the grief it held, the dust drifting in the suffocating air, it felt so unfamiliar.
No place and human greets me with joy.
"I don't have... Anyone except you... Now..."
The world melted between my eyes from the stinging tears. I wish it had stayed like that forever, for me not to see a sight of this place anymore. Cold and distant. The silence that has fallen was only interrupted by the gasps coming from my shaking body.
It stings.
It hurts.
...
But suddenly, after a while of desperate silence, a distorted face suddenly got closer to mine.
His smooth hair smooched the skin of my neck. The surrounding chill turned into a feeling of warmth, as his body embraced mine.
I was shivering under his tight, unexpected hug, making his chest wet from the tears. What was even stranger, was that I could feel him shake, too. Sniffing silently behind my back, he must have cried too, but not wanting me to see it. Sorrow surrounded us whole, filling the entire room.
"...I'm... sorry." — His quiet voice suddenly emerged from behind me.
It came into my ears like a warming wave. Words that I never expected to come out of his mouth.
— "...I'm sorry. All of this... Even this didn't help me. Freeing my mind of the grief... It doesn't feel as I thought it would... It stings... I feel even worse... So fucking bad... I am so bad... I made us both miserable. I'm sorry. You're just... A victim. It all went to the vain. They know it all now." — His shallow words, filled with sorrow, were breathed into my hair.
"What...?" — I wondered what he meant by that.
As he slowly and unexpectedly tightened the grip around me, confusing words began to come from his mouth.
"Making them think you and I are dead. That all of us have perished. It was so hard, treating ourselves with pills every day, to avoid leaving any traces. So fruitful, despite our fears and pain, it all paid out. Celine has worked well to hide you from them. Until, the destiny had fated that you and him met again. It all crumbled into pieces. It's so hard, so difficult to live. Life is like a palm tightening around your neck. You're eager for the air... Forgetting everything happening around you... I'm sorry I forgot you."
My throat was being filled with the feeling of being burned. The air getting in my lungs felt dry and harsh.
The meaning, I could analyze it for hours, yet it seemed so obvious.
Everyone around was fooling me, and I was so blind. Stupid enough to think that... It was all holding together because of the luck.
But it wasn't. It was all...
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