Capítulo 4: Chapter I - The Past (Part 3 - Finding)
"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." - T.S. Elliot.
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Seeing the determined eyes of the boy in front of him, Kurama had to admit the boy wasn't what he was expecting. Kurama was curious, how far could this boy go before he falls to fear and hatred? How long till he can't stand the pain?
Kurama will wait and see.
And even so, a part of him wishes dearly for the boy to prove him wrong. He couldn't help the hope of change, and of the freedom and happiness he gave up so long ago when he saw that Nature favoured Naruto.
Kurama, overall, felt like the biggest fool because he hoped a kid too sincere and kind for his own good to survive the poison of the human race. He was hoping for a human to be different from all the others. He was hoping that this naive kid can grow even with the constant cruelty and hate thrown at him.
The old age was actually making him delusional, he thinks.
"Alright, so, remember the way that Nature affects people?" Kurama asked, "You are different." He said bluntly. The kid looked at him with a mix of dread, resigned and sardonic expression, he winced. "I would say the good kind of different." Kurama amended. Naruto's emotions didn't change.
"Cheer up brat you could be very powerful with this." Grumbled Kurama. Looking at the boy like he was expecting him to be a narcissist idiot. He obviously noticed and lost his temper.
Naruto looked at him with a pissed-off expression, "I don't want free power, you nitwit!" Naruto shouted, very mad, "I can't believe a massive chakra beast with nine fricking tails of chakra is talking to me about free power and looking at me like he knows I want power just because of who I am!" He said.
Kurama got angry too and went to retaliate, but Naruto beat him to it again, "No, don't even start with your almighty speech about gifts and ungratefulness," How the hell did the boy know? "I know humans are stupid but don't you dare put me in the same bag with the absolute idiots you know beat me up on my fricking birthday just because you have a grudge with some assholes." Naruto huffed.
Kurama was surprised, how did the boy know when he didn't tell him anything?, Naruto rolled his eyes and as if he was reading his mind, answered the question, "It's written all over your chakra and body language."
"I am not human, you brat," Kurama said indignantly.
Despite not asking, the boy answered the question.
"Your emotions and tendencies are almost the same. You may not be human, but your way of thinking is similar." Naruto explained, still annoyed at the beast in front of him.
Kurama was appalled. The boy is just six, and he already has observation skills of that level?!
Kurama was also offended. He?! Similar to those braindead creatures?! He is nothing like humans. He is better than them!
Kurama fumed and thought in silence while Naruto's anger went away, he realized how he has snapped at Kurama, and he felt ashamed. He shouldn't talk to people like that.
Naruto took a step forward and said softly "Kurama-sama?" He didn't feel like he had said something untrue, but it wasn't right of Naruto to shout to people like that when he knew it didn't feel nice. Naruto hadn't realized he hurt Kurama's feelings when he was talking, but he could see now that the fox felt offended by his words.
Kurama looked back at the boy, and Naruto's stare was one of resignation. He gave a deep bow and said "I'm sorry, Kurama-sama. I wasn't thinking straight." Naruto admitted, "I shouldn't have snapped at you like that."
At first, Kurama was about to shout angrily or laugh, maybe both and act like he was mentally unstable to scare the boy. He thought Naruto was apologizing because he was afraid of Kurama, not because he felt regretful of talking to him like that. Then he saw Naruto's face, and he didn't find a bit of fear or uneasiness, but a real regret and embarrassment of what he'd done.
He could've done a big deal about it, but he had seen how stressed and panicked the boy was, so he let it slide this time.
(Totally not because he absolutely loved the way the kit had the guts to lecture him and be angry at him, and then actually be sorry and ashamed of offending him the moment he realized what he'd done).
So, Kurama sighed and refocused on the earlier conversation, not bothering to answer the apology and instead continuing explaining about chakra to the boy.
It didn't matter. Kurama wasn't someone important to the small human in front of him, and it was better this way.
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Kurama was furious, the gall of that boy! Doing that kind of things and then leaving?!
Remember when Kurama said he wasn't going to scare the boy? Well, he was having second thoughts now.
That boy had dared to hug him. Hug him! Like he wasn't a scary, dangerous beast that killed millions of his kind but a fluffy plushie!
The worst? The utterly cute and sweet smile full of gratefulness the boy had sent his way just because Kurama has explained a few things to him.
It wasn't like Kurama cared, but the boy should fear him, or hate him!
Kurama will definitely threaten that boy the next time he sees him.
(And if Kurama loved the way Naruto could know what he needed and wanted, even when he said he didn't, Kurama wouldn't think about that).
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Naruto was feeling better when he awoke. Kurama had explained to him the way his chakra, and its pathways were different from other humans and then took the opportunity to give him a lecture about being different.
He then was told that different will always be frowned upon by 'those absolutely fucking scrawny bastards,' and that he should be more confident and 'show those pathetic humans how fucking different you are.'
Naruto had the decency to not laugh about it on Kurama's presence, but now that he's conscious again, he can't help the giggles that escape his mouth when he thinks about it. A smile formed on his face thinking about how Kurama told him to show them wrong. The righteous anger and the way Kurama found a way to make him feel better. The dumfounded expression when Naruto hugged him.
Oh, he knew the tailed beast wasn't near ready to admit that he cared about Naruto, even less to say it to his face. But Naruto has learned to wait and enjoy the small things life has to give.
Someday, he hopes that seal on his stomach will not be necessary to keep Kurama and him together.
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After some minutes of thinking, Naruto finally got up from the bathroom floor and sighed as he decided to take a shower. He could feel his body shivering as the freezing water touched his skin.
Naruto was fast on washing his body and hair as best as he could with the shoddy soap Naruto had. After he felt clean enough, the boy quickly went out of the shower as fast as he could and sat on top of the toilet seat with a thin towel, trying and failing to warm his body after the horrible bath.
He closed his eyes and took deep shuddering breaths as he tried not to move. Suddenly, a frown of confusion appeared on his face when he sensed a chakra, unlike any other the boy had ever felt, move.
It didn't make sense to Naruto. He understood what Kurama had told him about him having a complete balance, but that didn't explain why suddenly a formless chakra signature got closer to him.
Naruto focused on feeling the chakra to try and recognize it and find out what was happening. The chakra felt strangely familiar, and he couldn't help the hitch of his breath as he felt the powerful feeling of the elements on it.
The blonde couldn't quite understand it. The chakra felt like elemental chakra, but it had its own distinct feeling, just like humans chakra did.
Finally, the chakra signature was hovering in front of him, and Naruto didn't need to open his eyes to know there was no physical entity in front of him.
The Nature chakra, feeling Naruto's confusion, slowly extended to Naruto's body while the boy quietly stayed still. It gently connected with his chakra and started to cover his body. Naruto gasped softly at the feeling and then realized that this was what Kurama meant by 'natural chakra favours you.'
Kurama didn't explain this part, and Naruto had forgotten to ask. But the fox definitely should have told him that chakra could be more than 'just a little bit sentient.' Though he wasn't sure Kurama would be aware, as Naruto heard from the fox, only one person before him had the same gifts.
Naruto sighed at the absurdity of this situation, but couldn't help the small smile that crept on his face at the fact that maybe he wasn't as alone as he had once thought.
Now warm from Nature's gift, Naruto left the bathroom and prepared for a day of exploring his abilities.
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Naruto moved quickly amidst the crowd and busy streets of Konoha, his blonde hair a dead giveaway of who he was. Even so, while he knew he could never escape a ninja at this speed, it was enough for him to pass without much consequence in between the civilians.
Of course, he could still hear the whispers and insults thrown his way. The angry and sad chakra around him was suffocating. Naruto wanted to get out of there, to turn around and go back home. His mind would not stop it's relenting thought about the fact that Naruto was in so much danger right now.
He usually didn't go outside. Only when he needed to eat or was with Hogake-Jiji would he step out of his tiny apartment. And Naruto had to choke back a sob at the thought that appeared suddenly and didn't seem to go away.
Konoha felt more suffocating than and actual home.
Before, Naruto could tell himself that he didn't know what having a home or a friend felt. He had never known good attention so he couldn't wish for something he never knew. Hokage-Jiji was nice, but he didn't have the heart to tell him just exactly how much damage and fear the people he worked himself raw for did to Naruto.
Because he didn't doubt Hokage-Jiji cared about him, even more so than if he was just a Konoha citizen. But he couldn't be honest, Naruto has seen the loss in his eyes and knows. About the students, a broken team not home, about the little games his old best friend plays with the council just for power. About the wife and children he cared like his own lost, for this village. The blonde now also knows those allies from Uzushio and knows that he loved them too.
Naruto isn't selfish.
He also knows Teuchi and Ayame, but Ayame is too young to be introduced to the harsh reality, and Teuchi lost a friend and a wife to the attack. About the high amount of money they lose when Naruto goes to their restaurant.
Naruto knows he is too selfless.
Has known since the moment he understood he could try and leave Konoha and never return. That he also could take his own life as easy as breathing. And even then, he knew he would stay to protect all of them.
Would die for them, for this hellhole called Konoha.
And as he thinks about how now he knows what it feels to have someone understand, as Kurama does. That now he has to live with the fact that Kurama is so close to him but so far away, and can't truly protect him.
Naruto smiles even as bitter and anguished tears drop from his face, he has just arrived at the river and is kneeling in front of it, feeling the soft grass against his knees and the cold breeze of October move his hair gently, like a loving caress.
Naruto still wants.
Desires that his family was alive, that he could have friends and be loved and wanted. To be a child, and he knows he isn't because the other children his age never want as deep and complex as he does.
Naruto understands wanting.
He also knows that this doesn't make him selfish, because this is something most children have, and the ones that don't have one have the other.
Naruto gets there is also children like him. Unwanted and abandoned in all ways. With even less than him.
That doesn't stop the wanting.
Naruto could decide to feel guilty for wanting, shut himself in and pretend to be alright and happy every day, to play off the loneliness and ache.
But Naruto just said he wasn't selfish.
And if he wanted to save and protect people from hatred, what kind of hypocrite would he become with an act like that?
So Naruto decides to be what he is, human. He breathes and smiles as he lays down on the earth,
Nothing's alright. That's the truth.
That doesn't mean he won't fight for his days to be better.
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Naruto, now twelve years old, sat in the same spot and wondered where had he lost the will to accept who he was.
When had he let that same guilt slip in and that confidence escape?
He had become the hypocrite he trained so hard not to.
And he hated himself for it.
He stopped, slapped himself and snarled.
"No," he said, looking at his hands, to his ridiculous clothes and hidden body. "No," this time, it was louder.
The fuck was he doing?
Hated himself?!
He laughed mirthlessly. He had become a self-pitying bastard, a liar and an idiot.
He had been scared, and he had screwed up, alright.
He lost this fight, alright.
But damn, he wasn't going to get anywhere dwelling on it.
Naruto finally understood the day before how much he had strayed from who he was when he literally stole from Hokage-Jiji to pass the academy. And he, of course, knew it was a farse.
He had time to think, to stop and plan, and Naruto instead went in and recklessly started unnecessary trouble for the Hokage.
He didn't deserve to call him Jiji after that stunt. This time not out of self-deprecation but deserved guilt.
He whined and started pacing with his head on his hands.
He was not reckless and stupid, and Kurama had told him, warned him not to let the idiot blonde disguise stick.
Naruto clearly hadn't been listening well enough.
And of course, he also had to ruin his friendship with him. Kurama had trusted him, supported him. He had known that Naruto was going too far and told him to stop.
He hadn't listened again.
The blonde boy stopped pacing and kept his eyes closed while he just felt and thought. Taking a few steadying breaths, he made his decision.
Even so, he couldn't help the way his mind frantically told him to keep hiding. He was absolutely terrified.
Naruto knows, of course, that he isn't a child anymore, never was. But the fear comes everywhere around him. The anxiety makes him sick every time he goes outside because he knows he is not safe here in Konoha, not at all.
But god, if he can't make this place safe for him, can't stand up and show them he belongs here, how could he preach about bringing peace?
He feels scared, tired and honestly broken. His whole body is trembling and his knees weakening, so he lays down in front of a tree.
Even so, Kurama's words ring on his head.
'If you don't like something, change it.'
It was as if a dam broke.
The tears fell from his eyes, fear, sadness, hate.
When had he started letting those rule him?
Naruto wiped the tears softly with trembling hands, felt the earth's heartbeat against him.
'This has to stop, for my sake.'
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If Naruto couldn't stop sobbing uncontrollably after this, then only Nature knows exactly how big and terrifying this decision was for the boy. So much on the child's back so suddenly gone.
All the pain blown away by the wind.
Water cleansing the boy's body.
Earth comforting him with its rumbling.
Fire burning the remains.
And lightning reigniting the blonde's soul once again.
Naruto could finally breathe.
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- End of Chapter One -
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