Capítulo 15: Chapter 15
Looking at the video feed from inside Unit-02, all Misato could see was the front of Asuka's knees and her mane of red hair.
She had been sitting curled up like that for hours now, not moving or saying a word as Ritsuko updated her with her progress—if it could be called that. Misato had once heard it said that the brightest and hottest flame burns out the quickest. That had been the case with Asuka, and she was no closer to making it past the starting indicator than she had been at the beginning of the test, despite Ritsuko's assurances that she could do it.
Watching the girl on the monitor was as frustrating as it was heartbreaking, because even though she had once thought Asuka should learn a little humility and stop treating those around her like garbage, she had not wanted to see her broken up so badly.
"The problem is entirely psycho-somatic," Ritsuko said. She too had been studying the monitor, and now leaned back on her chair. "It's all in her head."
"After what the Angel did to her …" Misato trailed off.
"Regardless. There is only so much we can manipulate the system. But for all we can do with the interface and modifications to both software and hardware, it is Asuka herself who needs to push through. She's the only one that can do it. That's where the problem lies. We can't help her if she can't help herself."
The control room was arranged in two banks of computer terminals, the first along the front wall, just a few feet away from the heavily reinforced glass that overlooked the Eva's test cage, and second further back. It was close to these that Misato was standing, hunched over Ritsuko's chair. While several of the monitors were focused on Asuka, several others showed her telemetry data, relayed in complex graphs that required engineering degrees to properly understand.
The one graph Misato did recognize was Asuka's synchrograph, a jagged mess of lines all jumbled together that seemed to her a rather accurate, if abstract, depiction of the redhead's mental state.
On the top right corner of this was a number: 4.4%: Asuka's synch-ratio, far bellow the minimum required to operate her Eva.
Misato took her eyes from the monitor and looked out of the observation window high above the brightly-lit steel and concrete box that served as a cage for Unit-02. "Do you think she's given up?"
Ritsuko shook her head. "I don't think so."
"Well, I guess it's good that she's much more determined than Shinji."
"They are not all that different, you know," Ritsuko said. "For both of them, their personal problems dictate how they relate to others and, therefore to their Evas."
Misato had a hard time believing that. If they were really, as Ritsuko put it, not all that different, then they wouldn't find it so hard to get along with each other. She had thought, hoped even, that some of their personalities could rub off on the other so that they might find some middle ground, but that had proven impossible. "I don't think they are alike," she said. "Shinji is much more withdrawn than Asuka."
"There are some superficial differences, but they are nothing more than skin deep," Ritsuko said in a flat, rather unemotional tone as if she were talking about something she'd read in a textbook. "Shinji's defense mechanism is to be passive, moving away from people. Asuka is aggressive, actively pushing people away. Both these defenses stem from the same issue-that is the fear of being hurt by others. In that, Asuka is like a cat in a box."
Misato frowned, confused. "How so?"
"If you put a cat in a box, it will be afraid at first, it will wail and scratch and try to get out." Ritsuko hadn't taken her gaze away from the image of the redhead on the screen, but now she see was staring intently, a concentration evident in her brown eyes. "But after a while it will get used to the dark and will grow more comfortable there. It will feel safe and will stay without a struggle. Then, if you open the box and try to take the cat out, it will fight and it will hurt you, lashing out at you until you let it go and close the box. Most people will just let the cat be and eventually it will starve."
An odd sadness came over her voice as she said this. "But someone who cares about the cat will endure the pain and hold on to it, and the cat will come to feel safe with that person and accept them and it will stop lashing out because it will no longer be afraid."
"Are you saying someone needs to take Asuka out of her box?" Misato said. She was interested now; she grabbed a nearby chair and sat down next to the doctor. She didn't really think Asuka was like a cat—animals couldn't choose how they treated people—but Ritsuko, who lived alone except for her cats, knew more about those kinds of behavior than she did.
"No," Ritsuko shook her head. "The Angel ripped the box away from her. And she was left exposed, frightened, and had nobody to feel safe with. That really is the heart of the problem."
Misato thought she understood. She cast a soft glance at the girl on the screen—Asuka looked so small like that. "So you think she's afraid?"
"Honestly, I think she's terrified. That is why she lashes out the way she does. To keep people away from her because in her mind they will only hurt her. That is a natural response: all animals fear pain. And that fear also makes her unable to synch with the Eva. She can't open up to anyone or anything, and that includes Unit-02."
Misato sighed. "Well, if all she needs is someone willing to let her hurt them—"
"It's much more specific than that. And I don't think it's about hurting other people. The willing desires of the human heart are not something that is ever defined in general terms." She crossed her stocking-covered legs. "Desire is hard to understand. We can't test it or measure it. We can only live with it."
"Um." Misato twisted her lips sardonically. "You know, even when you talk about things like these you always sound so detached, like you are talking about a disease or something."
That comment was meant as a slight insult to Ritsuko's regular heartlessness, but her face remained unmoved. If she was offended at all by it, she didn't show it. "I am a scientist not a therapist."
"Nobody will ever argue otherwise."
"The point is, even understanding what causes Asuka's hubris doesn't mean we can fix it," Ritsuko said, ignoring Misato's tone. "That's something only she can do, and that only if she wants to."
"Ritsuko, you are not seriously suggesting that she wants to feel like this." Misato pointed a finger at the screen. "Look at her. How could anyone want to live like that?"
"She hasn't told you to stop yet," Ritsuko replied flatly.
Misato felt hot outrage at that statement, not only because it reaffirmed her view of Ritsuko as being less than humane but also because she was right; Asuka hadn't asked them to stop.
"But I am not saying she wants to, either," Ritsuko said. "However, I think for her the alternative is not worth living for, either. It has to be her way or no way at all. That way she is also like Shinji. They both think it's only themselves that matter—their own hurt. They are unable to look at themselves through the eyes of others. And as they are unable to understand how others see them, they are also unable to understand how to see themselves."
It was rather hypocritical for someone like Ritsuko to talk like this; she was guilty of the same thing she was accusing Shinji and Asuka of. And so was Misato herself.
So, while Ritsuko might be right, and Asuka was responsible for her own misery, Misato owed it to her ward and to do what she could to lessen that feeling—and clearly they had gathered as much data as they could for today, since Ritsuko had gone through nearly her entire checklist. There wasn't much of a point prolonging it.
"I think we should call it a day," Misato said, firmly enough to make it known it wasn't just an opinion. She rose from her chair. "I've got time between shifts. I'm taking her home."
Ritsuko's expression told her she disagreed, but she said nothing. She nodded her assent. Around the control room, the weary faces of the small cadre of operators who had been keeping watch on Asuka's data without a break appeared relieved behind their computers. Once the order was given, termination procedures were initiated, engulfing the room in a flurry of activity.
Groaning with effort, Ritsuko stood up next to Misato and returned the other woman's sympathetic frown with a look that said that her sympathy was not necessary or wanted. That didn't prevent Misato from thinking Ritsuko was pushing herself as recklessly as she was pushing Asuka.
A bad thing for both of them.
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