Capítulo 20: The Marital Bed
When Shimonthini opened the door to her room Rupert was standing outside. He had informed her earlier that he had to dine with his colleagues because of an event. Shimonthini knew exactly what he meant being part and parcel of the same event. Now that they stood face to face Shimonthini's heart was heavy as she buried the Monique deep inside her. Rupert looked at the solemn face of his wife and wondered why she couldn't be happy that he chose her over the stupid facade she called Monique.
Both husband and wife stood facing away from each other unsure of how to begin and both wanting to. Monique had the strength to approach her man and clasp his hand in her own but Shimonthini did not. The man who had arrogantly embraced her in public seemed subdued by the societal expectations. Expectations are always the root cause of sorrow and every responsible man's greatest fear is to fail the expectation of the dear ones. The docile Shimonthini was dear to Rupert. The connection that they shared back in India was memorable but was that connection enough for a lifetime of commitment?
It was Rupert who spoke first. "I explained why I postponed our wedding but it wasn't the whole truth. I didn't want to be your rebound. The attraction we have for each other is palpable. I thought we could take it slow and develop a relationship independent of our pasts. However, I am not being so sure of myself anymore. I want the marriage to be finalized as soon as possible."
"I am not going to force you to be with me. You are free to choose your path in life." Shimonthini said calmly. She was surprised at her own strength of nerves but trying to be someone she was not was getting more on her nerves lately. She had spent the last two weeks trying in every way to be a perfect Indian wife and she had seen her husband try in every way to be a righteous man but that subdued version of them was not the real them. Shimonthini had seen her husband with Monique, she had seen his arrogance and confidence which was completely missing in their interaction, the spark that is associated with life. What they had between them wasn't life. Maybe the attraction was real but a relationship cannot survive on attraction alone. Back in India when both were alien to the world around them their alienation had connected them but in their own worlds, they did not feel the same level of comfort that they had got used to and it was disconcerting. Perhaps what they had now was what society called a relationship, a mutual compromise between what they are and what they are expected to be. Shimonthini could make the compromise but Monique could not and hence she sought freedom or complete acceptance. The latter was difficult for both as they little understood what the other was all about.
"You are my responsibility." Rupert, whose mind was still bogged down by the code of manhood, tried hard to defend his position. He could free Shimonthini from this bond as no legal bond stood between them but what he could not do was free himself of the sense of responsibility towards the woman who had been his home in a crowd of prejudiced unknown faces. Rupert had never seen freedom in his own life, always bound by a sense of honour and responsibility. It was difficult for him to understand the meaning of freedom right now.
"I need not be. What I need is freedom from this suffocating word you call commitment. I want a sense of belonging, not a tower of imprisonment." Shimonthini demanded. Rupert was baffled. The tower of imprisonment that Shimonthini spoke of was Rupert's own sense of belonging, the thing which bound him to the world, to those he called near and dear ones. Fear lurked in his mind that free from that tower would this wonderful silent responsive Indian girl choose a life with a reckless man like him. Yes, he was reckless, always reckless, putting the need to be acknowledged before the deed to be accomplished but isn't acknowledgement what we all strive for?
"What do you mean?" Rupert finally asked for the clarification to his own doubts. "No one is forcing you to do anything. I do not for a moment regret committing my life to you. I am attracted to you: mind, body and soul. You have as much freedom as you want. I only wish that you would not refute my claim to a family." Rupert explained.
"My freedom has been offered on a leash and so is yours. A man has needs that I am not unaware of. To curb them one needs two things religious discipline or selfless love. Love me or leave me, Rupert. I deserve as much." Shimonthini begged. In her begging the Monique inside her recognized that Shimonthini had grown up from an infatuated teenager, gone through the stage of depressed adulthood and had finally reached the selfless love of maturity for in her request for the freedom she was liberating the man she had now grown to love.
"You doubt my loyalty to you. I never doubt yours. Love is a misused word but if I had to consider only the emotions behind it I would say that I already love you." Rupert said running his fingers through her dark hair. His words were a caress in themselves, a gentle touch that made Shimonthini close her eyes till tears rolled down.
"I know if circumstances were different I would never have been your first choice or the last. I don't want you to settle for me Rup and I won't settle for you." Shimonthini whispered with the experience of having tried to love Rishi for such a long time and without success. That time had taught her to listen to her heart and her heart wanted all of Rupert, the part that belonged to Shinjini and even the part that belonged to Monique.
That said a silence overhung the room. Shimonthini wondered at her own words. What was she doing, ruining her second chance at a happy life? But it was a choice that Monique was making for her, a choice between compromise and honour and Monique had chosen the latter.
"You are free to leave Moni. There had been no agreement made, no contract forged between us. You may leave at any hour of the day but while you leave know one thing. I won't have you test my loyalty just to prove yourself unworthy of me. You are mine and I will not let go of my claim to you. Selflessness is not a romantic trait in the man. Selflessness stems from conduct. That said I will go on denying the man in me till you choose to come back and I know you will choose to come back." Rupert concluded.
In her mind, Shimonthini knew that she was never the woman he desired. It was always Chini. When she decided to forgive her husband for his transgression that was not based on a condition that he would have to be regretful for it but right now his lack of repentance felt like a slap across her face. Yes, she was not the woman he desired. She was just a woman thrust upon him by responsibility. "What you preach as selflessness is self-denial and that is not enough for me. Maybe right now you think that I am being selfish but in a few years you will be relieved at not having to be answerable to me for every folly of your heart." Shimonthini stated trying to sound cool.
Rupert shook his head. This was a part of his wife he had never seen. What will it take for her to tell him about Monique? He looked at his stubborn wife longing for the camaraderie that was long gone between them. He reached for her hand which she tried to pull back. The man in him was offended at his wife's gesture and he pulled her close and held her pinned to him. Shimonthini gruntled in discomfort and tried to wiggle out of his hold. "This is our bedroom and our marital bed and you will not deny me here" he whispered into her ear, nipping the end of the earlobe with his teeth.
Shimonthini could feel her heart race at his touch once more. This was the same arrogance with which he had pushed her away on the first day at the studio and the same strength with which he had pulled her towards him at the restaurant. Shimonthini wanted to give in to this strength. She wanted to experience all the pent-up passion that she had experienced in a wanton kiss so many nights ago. Rupert tender and caring were very nice indeed. But Rupert arrogant and passionate was a woman's dream. Her hands went up to twine within his hair and she purred at the hardness of his body against the suppleness of her own.
When Rupert opened his eyes in the morning Shimonthini was gone. All of her belongings were as it was the previous night save for an old battered suitcase that she always kept close to her was missing. On the bedside table stood the engagement ring Rupert had given her on their wedding night.
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