Capítulo 28: 第28章: A Future That She Does Not Want
Heading into a room where she was free to discuss her past. Feiyu assured that it was something that it was normal. Perhaps most of them knew her story and will tell her them in time. To begin a new chapter, one must be willing to let go of what their past was. And be willing to talk about it to some extent.
Sitting down on a table, as a servant came inside offering them tea. She figured that it will have taken quite a lot to do anything. It seemed rather obvious that it will be taking some time before they could leave. Along with some food, perhaps knowing that they just came from a long journey.
But it had to be done. She was curious enough to keep herself awake, and she wasn't really tired from the traveling either. She could hear stories, and she doubts that she will have been exhausted. She felt that this was something that she could not leave for another day. And Zhixun's words were still with her, which gave her an idea just what sort of fate Feiyu had been meant for.
"I grew up in Kaifeng, the heart of the capital. My family was a powerful noble family with a rising influence in the court. And from a young age, I had my fate rolled out for me, I will be an imperial concubine the moment I was old enough." It was one thing to find out a marriage just a month before it happened, and another to know all your life who you were going to marry.
"You could say that I was more than happy with the situation as it was. I knew my place, my role, and my future. Until of course a fortune teller told my parents of the fate that I will have if I were to enter." She stopped for a moment. As Dianyu looked at her, perhaps curious as to what is on her mind.
"Did you have to tell me everything now?"
"Yes, I do. I'm your master, as such, it is my job first to tell you my tale."
She nodded, before waiting for Feiyu to continue speaking with her. "My parents thought that it could have been avoided, a considerable donation, rebuilding temples, charity. But nothing did, I was meant to be their retribution. For their sins, they committed in the past, and also the retribution on the royal family."
"The royal family who broke with fate." And hence, why she was here. This was too much, to be the downfall of so many when she had nothing. She simply was ill-fated enough to be born with the family. "When it was, I told them that I will leave. I will never return, not as their daughter. But as a courtesan. Fate always had made my life difficult, and no matter the path it will never be easy."
She guessed that the reason was the fear of losing their standing, their influence. To not gamble with fate, when it often told quite a bit of the truth. It is rarely accurate, but it always ends the same way. Or even how it ended at the end of the day.
It made sense why she left.
"They didn't give up, they did one more thing. They tried to ask what was the way in which I could avoid bringing their family down. Send me to the palace, unrelated to them, a nameless girl. I will be the dynasty's doom, and my parents planned for that." Now that she was here, it was almost horrifying to hear. It resonated deep within her.
As much as the day had begun to wane. Almost nighttime now. She didn't need every detail of her past. But she knew enough to know what all of it meant at the end of the day. She didn't need any more detail o give herself a good picture and a good idea. She knew enough to know all of it herself.
"You should eat something, you're in for a long night." As much as the day could not get any longer. Dianyu ate something because she was indeed hungry. She rarely ate more than two meals a day, often in the morning as she worked. With some snacks in between before evening. And before sleep, she usually ate something extra as well.
She was used to working when she was hungry, hence why she never complained. The cook was far far worse in such punishments, often leaving her nothing more than two slices of bread in the morning and night. It was far worse in her other assistants, with the food being nothing more than a single slice of bread, or even a bowl of porridge the entire day.
But whatever was before she was a lot more than that. She was effectively spoiled for choice, and by choice, she meant a lot, a lot of choices. She doubted she could finish all of it, much more than what she had. Often they are leftovers from the afternoon or cooked separately. They were good because her mother was a good cook after all.
It was just that they were all in the same kind. And after nearly fifteen years, it didn't even taste good anymore. But this was fresh, the taste refreshing and different. She didn't miss the food per say, just that she wasn't removed from it enough to truly appreciate it. Now, she was merely liking all that was before her.
When she was done, she got up. Still wearing the dress here, she doubted she needed to be clean to watch whatever fate intended for her. She knew that it was far from pretty, remembering the words that she seemed meant to battle with fate. That she was meant for such a life. That she knew the world couldn't fully control her the moment she was a small child.
As such, she stepped onto the main hall. Where there was a garden in the front courtyard, filled with flowers in full bloom. The top of the sky revealed a full moon, which she thought was the best time for something like this. In the middle of the garden, the woman was there. Alone, and no one else. She doubted anyone was too interested in something like this. At least not before it was certain that she was a part of them.
Entering deep inside, was where she was able to look at where the woman was. Stepping forward without any fear. And there was a mirror, the same thing that hell shows to those who refuse to admit their sins. Here, it was a gate to knowing and understanding her own future.
"Step before it, and look at the mirror." As simple as that, without the need for anything else. She looked into the mirror of her own, looking at her own future. A future that she had no idea what it means or the future that she has left.
The mirror changed.
The first thing she saw in her own future, was the look of a perfect life. The perfect life that many thought it was. Perfection, even to her. A son that she loved, a daughter that she treasured. A husband who knew her and cherished her. Even as she didn't feel any sadness, she knew what she chose to leave behind. The way that he looked at her, gratitude but not life. A contentment, an agreement that they reached.
But she knew deep within herself that she didn't want this. She wanted to be able to go around the place, and if she was to settle she will not have completely given up her dream. She will have wanted to go no matter where he went, no matter how tired it was. She will not have not gave it all up. Not without any resentment, later on, she saw it. She saw the slight resentment, the way that she looked at the sky. Wondering whether she had a chance to leave. Or even a reason to truly see the sights she wanted to see.
The woman turned around and left. It was a perfect dream for many, but for her, it was a prison in its own way. A prison which she knew the very day she got the offer. That her own intuition told her before she even saw this. She went forward and never looked back.
A possibility, but not something that convinced her was enough to make her choice then. She didn't feel that it was something that was right for her, something that she should have thrown into them. It was perfect, but she wanted to know more. Where was her mother in this? Where were the people that she knew?
The placed changed according to her mind, as though it was meant to show her whatever she willed it to. But only within her own future. There, she saw that it was a closed business. Her mother, now an old woman living mostly alone. A stable life. It was perfect. But she knew that it was too wrong, remembering the words she told her.
I'll always be working with my hands, no matter when or where. There is nothing in the world which I will stop for. Not even old age seemed to stop her, she worked as hard as she used to as a child. Never growing particularly tired or even exhausted of her work. She simply worked because she liked the job and the fact that she was earning money helped.
She doubted that she could ask anything. Here she was only allowed to view at any point. Next, she looked at her friend, Er'ying. Holding a laden spoon and serving the next customer. She was wearing simple clothes, for the most part, nothing seemed out of place. With her child running all around. She never found another man and not even another friend.
Feiyu was the only one strange enough to befriend her, and she guessed that it was her own status as a wife which prevented. The wife of an esteemed scholar could not associate so readily with what many deemed a harlot. It will draw attention, as much as it will not help her. Reputation was all a woman had, the only reason why anyone will marry her. That and her family's wealth. But it was always reputation, as it was the only way to assure that when she married into the family any child by her will be theirs. No question on their paternity.
Before she went back again, looking at Zhao'en. Now a woman who appeared much older than she thought. Wearing only black, the color of mourning and suggesting her position. Even as she looked out of place in this small happy house. Taken back here by her brother as she was childless. Expected to mourn for the next three years of her life, and probably never remarry.
Even as Dianyu saw that in the future, she will envy Zhao'en. Zhao'en who had lost her own place. Zhao'en who was reduced to living on the charity of others. Free, but unable to make a choice. Free but without even as many choices as she had now. No one will marry a woman her age, and chances were she will end up either serving the palace or opening her own shop.
Why was she envious of such a woman? A woman who didn't have the freedom to choose her path. Merely an unfortunate widow. A woman who could not strike it out in her own way, not without great cost. Not without relying on nothing.
It was the dream of many, but for her, it seemed nothing more than a nightmare. Only that she could say it now because it never happened to her because she chose to trust that it will have done little to nothing for herself. That it will not have been worth the time. That it will have brought her nothing more than misery.
That was fate's intention for her, to have all her needs fulfilled, to be seen as having a perfect life. But in reality, none of her true dreams was fulfilled. And that she never got what was her perfect life. To have lived a life, but in reality, she never truly lived. Not in the way that she wanted to.
In a way, it was something that she truly feared.
And it was then, she returned to reality once more. Seeing Feiyu, who had seen things.
"So, what is the true life fate had for you?"
"To have lived but never the way that I wanted to." And a way of denying her the wishes that she had.
"Do you want that?"
"No, I will have been unhappy. To anyone else, this was perfection. I guess that is what fate wants for me, a gilded cage that I can never fly out of."
"Precisely what he wants. Some he makes for them horrifying futures but gives them the small, blissful moments where they truly experience happiness. And for others, grant them happiness in the eyes of others, but deep down is nothing more than misery."
"Do you understand why we must do this?"
"To give us a chance to break from this, to give us a shot at the fates we want not what was intended for us."
"Exactly. Feiyu, you have done well to find her." Feiyu said nothing.
She looked to the night sky. Knowing that the only way she will ever be satisfied in life was only if she was to live it the way she wants and live with the consequences. No matter how hard it was, and even though those difficult moments she doubted she will regret her own actions.
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Capítulo 29: 第29章: When It Begins
If anything, she didn't think that the next few days she had was this. Spending with Feiyu, alone and let her learn the basics of this. It was mostly to get used to it, as most did not expect her to lose her object anywhere at all. And to know what she could use if she did indeed lose it.
And that she had so many questions she wanted to ask. But never found the time to do it. Zhixun was nowhere to be found, and neither was any of them for that matter. Feiyu had kept most of it in silence, even as she wondered just why. But she went along with things. As much as she made a note of everything that she wanted to ask. To find a time where she could finally release all of them.
Feiyu had never told her much, plenty of it was mostly just her guesswork and inference. Which she guess could be a good thing as much as it was a bad one.
She didn't know how she should have responded, other than to try. It was worth a shot as she was unable to think of how it could go wrong. Better to try and see how things could go as compared to think about it. She didn't know much, except for being thrown into this world. She didn't mind things, nothing had ever gone her way but nothing had ever gone really wrong either.
And that Feiyu insisted on this, thus she agreed at the end of the day. She found some logic in it at the end of the day. That she couldn't disagree with at any point, neither could she find any reason to fault her either. Choosing to do this was something she found interesting, even as she was barely able to do anything.
"In such an early time, simply getting it to move is more than enough." Even as she could barely do more. "As you need to think of the action and how you want it. They can do anything, within the range of what can be done. As long as it is possible at the end of the day." This was something that she had to learn. That no object could fulfill all of their wishes and obligations. That they needed to make a decision within what they had.
The same as it was projecting onto someone a choice that only they could choose at the end of the day. "Getting your object will be much easier, as those amplify your energy. They make things easier for them to use." And thus, why she wanted her to be able to use this at the beginning. This was to make things easier for her and thus become better.
It was still useful if she was to run into any trouble. Even as she realized that she knew very little as to what they did to support themselves. And she was often too busy to do anything or even think all that clearly either. "But today, I'm bringing you to get your parasol."
She nodded. Curious as to how it will look like or even feel. Whether she could feel the weight of it on her shoulders, whether she will have been able to get used to bringing around an umbrella. She doubts she could, having never been one for something like that. Unless it rained when she enjoyed spinning it all around, trying to understand and grasp how it worked.
Following Feiyu out the front entrance, when she had enough time to admire the scenery surrounding her. It was still as beautiful as it was, as much as she realized just how big the place was. Having been given her own room, which was rather large. And paper when she needed it—though she kept using it to a minimum and writing her own thoughts more than anything else.
When they reached the same shop once more, she saw the place in a wholly different light. The place lost some of its more mystical atmospheres but still remained around the same at the end of the day. And on the outside, Lingfeng was waiting for her. He sat outside the shop, waiting for her to appear. For some strange reason, that she couldn't really guess.
He stood up when they came at last. He gave them a nod, before letting themselves into the room. And straight to the hallway. Feiyu had not followed her in, but she assumed that it was because of the fact that it was personal. This had been something that was on her own. And he walked turning back once just to see her. Which gave her the feeling.
He stopped at the third room. A different place than before. Inside as she saw, was an umbrella. Made for her. It didn't need to take her measurements to make a rough guess, she was of rather average height. As anyone who picked it up will be holding it up. Hence eliminating any need for measurements. The umbrella had pretty flowers, made with blue fabric at the top.
"If it gets destroyed, just come back here. Or stop by any of the other forgers." She nodded, gazing at the parasol. It was light, which was normal given that it was made of fabric. She knew that Feiyu will have known of all the others, that was perfectly normal in such a situation at the end of the day. And that she doubted she will be breaking something like this anytime soon.
"Although I wondered why I'm using an umbrella."
"Each object is personally reflective of them. This suggests that you are rather flexible, but never compromising or discarding your values. It is also something that suggests you like convenience, as you don't need to hide it. Something that is easy to hide among the crowd. At the same time, nothing that will be a burden to carry around. Suggests that you are someone who likes to keep things light, and tend to keep your heart as free as possible."
This did suit her. As much as it was rather eerie to see how it was so accurate. How it all seemed to fit at the end of the day. "There is more to it. Those who use instruments are those who often keep their own emotions to themselves above all else. They are unlikely to show it, hence requiring others to decipher it. Although it depends on the choice of instruments itself, most of them fall into that category."
"What about birdcages?"
"The only thing I did when I saw that was that who in their right mind will be using one."
"Until you did see one." Remembering Zhixun, who used the birdcage. That was something that she didn't think was possible until it reveals that it was at the end of the day. Until he had seen one made for Zhixun. Without a doubt that will have shocked them.
"Yes, until I saw one. But that was so strange that Mother had to come down personally and do it for him." He figured that he wasn't able to handle something like that, he didn't seem very very old either. "And even Mother was rather baffled. And she has created some pretty strange ones."
"What do you think of him?"
"He's weird. Resourceful, able to use whatever it is around him to the best. I'm just using what I learned from metal here." And nothing more, since the birdcage hides something far more. So much more than he could really explain. Or really comprehend at this point. Nothing that gave any solid idea as to what he should have tried or did.
That did remind of him in some weird way. And that Zhixun was rather nice to talk to, revealing quite a bit having almost nothing that made any sense to anyone. She snickered.
"You have met him?"
"That and my master told me quite a bit about him. And that I have seen his birdcage upfront." And to her, it looked pretty strange. "And that she was comparing my umbrella with her birdcage."
"To think about it, using an umbrella is rather unorthodox. But nothing that is completely so out of the box like a birdcage." She guessed that the main thing was when he opened the cage. It did seem like the only way for it to do something. "I mean, I could figure out how to make one that could function. And I'm just past a novice."
"Will it affect the quality?"
"Not much, except for some minor details. But you're still an apprentice." Which meant that she wasn't expected to do much.
"So I won't get a better one until I'm a full strayer?" To her, that was still strange on her. It made no sense on some level, but at the same time, it denoted their situation as one who fights back against the fate that was laid out for them.
He nodded, leaning against the table. "And why my mother lets me do this alone. If not, she will have come down directly. And that most apprentices tend to lose theirs rather quickly, thus having me do them over and over until they are a strayer makes sense."
Feiyu told her a couple of things about the situation. She could be an apprentice for a year or more, but no more than five. But they have to take a certain test, one which will allow them to become one. Feiyu had not told her much about how she became one, other than she left her home. She knew that it will be revealed eventually which was why she didn't press any further.
As of now, she was mostly getting used to things. When she thought she had one figured out, another was thrown at her to think about the situation. When she thought she had the hang of one, another came out. Even as the questions remained on her head, certain questions as to why they exist. Nothing was said yet, even as she wanted to ask.
And she doubts she could handle it anymore.
"Are you thinking about something?"
"Yes. I wonder, what's the point of all this?"
"To fight against the fate of course. Those who are aware can fight, and they should fight however they can." Even as he said nothing more to her. She found it strange. But he didn't seem willing to say anymore. And she knew that a great deal of time passed in here, thus she wanted a little more. She wanted to know more.
And that today allowed her the time to ponder over the questions which have stayed in her head, but was always put aside for whatever Feiyu threw at her. And Feiyu will be honest with her, she knew that. She should be.
"I think I should go before my master thinks that something is seriously wrong." He nodded. She was about to step out before she forgot her umbrella. Before she took it, going out the hallway with him following her.
"See you sometime soon." He raised his hand. Perhaps wanting to earn some money while repairing it. She got it, he was running a business after all. And she knew that he needed as many customers as he could get. She doubted many knew this existed.
She didn't say anything before going back out. Looking at Feiyu who took a seat patiently. She wasn't too fazed by anything at all. "It seems nice that you're talking to him."
She couldn't deny that Feiyu was wrong. It was always good to make an effort to know someone because no one knew whom they might need. And he did seem like someone that she will be meeting very very often. Even as she still wanted to ask many many things. Nothing which she seemed to have wanted to put off.
"Because I'm going to show you what is it that we do, as it is the first assignment." Suddenly, it seemed as though dodging all those questions was for this. She held her tongue, even as she was still wondering a lot about them. A lot about how they worked or how it functioned.
"Not tell me."
"For something like this, I do think that showing you will be a better choice." And to let her gain some experience. The same way that her mother did it. Throwing her into something while giving her some clear instructions as to how she should be doing things. It was fairly clear at this point too.
She couldn't hold back her own curiosity and she figured that being shown was a better idea than just told.
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