You can easily combine this with the above paragraph because your still talking about that night
Because she had consumed too much alcohol, she couldn’t remember much of what had transpired that night. She didn’t know how she could face Brother Yan.
Full Marks Hidden Marriage: Pick Up a Son, Get a Free Husband
Urban · Jiong Jiong You Yao
This doesn't make sense. You can't catch a cold from the cold. You can catch hyperthermia or pneumonia, just saying I live in a place where it gets -50 sometimes
"Hey, wake up… the air conditioning is cold here. Don’t sleep or you’ll catch a cold —"
Full Marks Hidden Marriage: Pick Up a Son, Get a Free Husband
Urban · Jiong Jiong You Yao
You have a great story idea, and I'm sure you've improved since the first chapter. You didn't choke the first chapter with exposition, thank you for that. Too many authors get excited and fill the page with things that could easily be woven into the story. You stayed on point and kept the story moving at a decent pace. However, what got me were the weak verbs and the constant telling. Take some time to bone up on show vs tell and your piece will shine
Try to avoid words like looked and walked, they serve their purpose and everything, but words like scanned, raked, stared have more action to them
The man's eyes looked at the back of the room.
Sword God in a World of Magic
Fantasy · Warmaisach
nice way to bring the setting in
It was a small study filled with all kinds of books, scriptures, tomes, and papers. An unbelievably soft, violet carpet was strewn across the ground, and a cozy fire crackled in the fireplace.
Sword God in a World of Magic
Fantasy · Warmaisach
I'd find a way to combine this paragraph with the above, your still talking about the same person
Even though he had white hair, there were no wrinkles on his face. If one only looked at his face, one might believe that he was rather young.
Sword God in a World of Magic
Fantasy · Warmaisach
do you really need this?
Someone knocked on a wooden door.
Sword God in a World of Magic
Fantasy · Warmaisach
I know this story is fast food of the literary world, but you spend more time telling than showing. I actually like the story idea, but you often repeat ideas in the same paragraphs. Some minor edits could help this story shine brighter than it already does
This book shows promise but why do you hesitate to name characters? I had no idea who was talking to who in the first chapter. Also you might want to check over your paragraphs and slim them down.
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original The Eidolon and I
4.59
Lance Ryder had it all. A bright future, good home, friends, and a solid school. That was until the day magic returned and his ancient heritage came looking for him. Now he must learn to coexist with an ancient being he now shares a body with, and protect the people he loves against growing threats humanity wasn't prepared for6 Chs 6 Sammlungen
- original
My Eldritch Werewolf Cultivation
4.82
Xorag, an ancient and Eldritch god, was freed from his prison by a greedy archaeologist. Now, the cruel God wants to make a reality in his twisted image. Sara Whitlock came to Duskhold to escape her guilt. Now she's a prisoner of her heritage. A blind sage named Dawn comes to Duskhold and reveals Sara's secret family history. She is a descendant of the Eldritch Pack, the first werewolves. Now she must grow powerful enough to seal Xorga away with the aid of her Eldritch form. If she doesn't succeed the world will never be the same in the worst way possible.12 Chs 18 Sammlungen
- original
The Lion Of Shadowfen
Abgeschlossen
Aurelia is the laughingstock of her kingdom until the day a love Spell brings the mysterious Zinjo into her life. From the moment they meet attraction is formed. Zinjo isn't the only new thing in her life an ancient evil stalks the land. in an effort to be taken more seriously Zinjo and Aurelia travel to put an end to it95 Chs 30 Sammlungen
- original
Short twisted talez
here is a collection of short stories more than few of these can spin off into a series see something you like leave a comment10 Chs 2 Sammlungen
Your descriptions are a bit rough and tell more than they show. It might be better to play with it. Include sensations of the bride
Utilizing a mafia boss
Realistic · Moonwriting