Kapitel 4: João Neto's diary - The decision

The decision

Friday, June 28, 2002

I made a decision in my life. I'm going to write down everything that happened this week. And if I write now, in tears, it's because I don't have the courage to tell my father, but my desire is for him to read every word and feel everything he made me feel in that moment when he embarrassed me with his cuteness.

It's not my fault, dad, for feeling what I feel. I don't even know what's happening to me. But I wasn't the one who asked for this, and I know that you never... damn respect, that you never saw me as your man-child. I see other parents go out with their children, go horse riding, go fishing. And you never did this to me, you must be ashamed of me.

You want to know the truth, I was in love with Tiago, but not in the perverted sense you might think. I loved him because he was always my friend, he was never ashamed of me, like you must be. He always wanted to be with me and if now he doesn't want to look at my face anymore, it's because of the way I am, the damned way I am. Do you know what I did? I lost my best friend.

Oh, I'll tell you everything! When you made that joke to me in front of everyone, I kicked the bucket and decided, dad, to be who I am. What I didn't know was that I wasn't a good person, that who I was would destroy me and everyone around me. I told Tiago that I wanted to talk to him there on the river, when he received the message he didn't wait long and soon appeared.

Do you want to know what I felt when I saw him standing in front of me? I felt my heart race, my hands felt cold. He came to meet me and asked me if he could hug me, instead of saying yes to him, I felt like saying that you were right and that I was in love with him. But I held myself back, and as he hugged me and apologized for a mistake he didn't make, I cried. I cried, father, because I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I wanted to kiss him like Agostina kissed him.

I didn't say any of that. It was when he released me that the courage to declare myself to him began to appear. He was also crying, he apologized to me saying he couldn't stay away from me. Dad, you're going to hate me, I'm hating myself right now, but I couldn't resist. I didn't want to be like that, dad. I didn't want to be “gay,” but that's what I am. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE ANY OTHER WAY!

Tiago was telling me such beautiful things, talking about his feelings for me, how difficult it was to be away from me for a week. I thought, father, that I was being reciprocated, that the love I felt for him was the same as he felt for me. So I approached him and kissed him on the mouth.

Our kiss lasted about 10 seconds. I felt like the happiest person in the world, dad. During those 10 seconds I thought that Tiago was corresponding with me, that we could love each other. Then he pushed me and I fell to the floor. He looked at me with disgust and contempt and shouted loudly that he wasn't a faggot, then ran away. I don't care anymore if you know or not. Surely everyone will know that I kissed Tiago. So, when you read this text, know that I am “gay” and that I don’t care.

Anguish

My revelation did not just remain on the pages of my diary. When my father asked me about my sadness, I told him the truth. That I loved Tiago, that I had tried to kiss him in the river and that he had run away from me. I was angry with life, I hated being like this, having this feeling for my best friend, but at the same time I lost a part of myself. I didn't understand what I was feeling.

At the moment I told my father all this, that I was gay, that I loved another boy, I didn't imagine what would come next. I didn't even think there would be an after. What mattered to me at that moment was only the pain I was feeling. This is adolescence, everything gets more intense and we never really think about the consequences of our actions. When I realized what I had said it was too late.

Only those who have already come out as gay know the regret that hits us when the euphoria, the anger, ends. At the moment, we feel free, because oppression is like a screw being tightened, there comes a point where the pressure is so much that the screw breaks. And that was my moment to break away.

My anger wasn't with my father, he never mistreated me because I was different. Of course, there were always insinuations about my different way of being. However, nothing that mistreated me, or any of his actions repressed me. Maybe the insinuations were a type of repression and I didn't understand. The fact is that at that moment, I was angry with myself for losing Tiago's friendship.

I knew that the fact that I kissed him revealed who I was. Although I didn't even know what it was, but we are talking about the thoughts of a 12-year-old teenager and in my way of seeing life, I had ruined my entire future. I had nothing left but revolt. And I rebelled against my father.

My father didn't say anything. He just listened silently to my revelations. I didn't say anything at the moment, nor in the next moment, much less in the days that followed. And that was what killed me, I didn't know what he was thinking. I didn't even know if I had told my mother my secret. So, I avoided interacting with everyone in my family for many days, afraid of being confronted by one of them about what I was.

Added to this anguish, my fear of Tiago having told the other boys about the kiss made me feel reclusive. At school I didn't talk to anyone, at home I locked myself in my room and wrote. I don't lie and I don't feel comfortable admitting that at times I thought about taking my own life.

Before I could end my life, fate took my father's life and showed me that death was no solution, at least not for the people who were left alive. With my father's death, eyes and concerns turned to other problems, even my own gaze turned to the pain of loss and it didn't make sense to suffer with the possibility of whether or not I was gay.

The pain of losing my father consumed all my energy and I couldn't grieve for anything else. Now it was just my mom, my brother and me. A void remained in our lives. And it was necessary to learn to live with this emptiness. We left the countryside for a nearby city, I never heard from Tiago again. Unfortunately, the taste of your kiss never left my mind. That's what I had left of him, the memory. A memory that I will cherish for a lifetime. He was and will always be my only love.

Maybe I'll never forget it. And this is because our love never came to fruition. It's always like this, we always want what we can't have.

Kommentar Kommentar von 0

Abstimmen

GESCHENK VERSENDEN

next chapter

Load failed, please RETRY