Kapitel 1: Kyle Bennington
TW: Suicidal Thoughts, Violence, Bullying, Derogatory language
Ever since I was born, I was like a shadow to my twin brother Matthew. I knew I wasn't important from very early on in life. People just liked him a lot more than me, just because I don't like talking and expressing myself much. Ever since I could remember, Matt has been loved ten times more than me by everyone. His accomplishments always seemed to overshadow mine, even though I accomplished more. He was always a lot more popular and outgoing than I was, being the center of attention. He was just more loved and blessed more than I was.
Any friend I worked my hardest to make dropped me for him as soon as Matt gave them any little attention. If I had a girl that was interested in me, they'd stop trying with me after a day to try and chase Matt instead. If our parents had their attention on me for even a second, Matt would somehow regain and hold their undivided attention. It's so bad now that I don't even ask my parents or extended family to acknowledge me anymore, and they haven't since. I'm honestly surprised there's even still a place for me at the dinner table and my parents haven't forgotten me completely.
Our birthday is always taken over by him, seeing as we only do what he wants every year. Last year, our parents forgot to even inform me about the plans, so I stayed home sleeping while they went to a nice dinner reservation at a restaurant I told them I wanted to go to. Our graduations were all about what he wanted to do, holidays are all about him and his gifts, our shared moments were all spent celebrating Matt. If Matt wants to go somewhere, we go and have to stay the entire time without complaints. If I wanted to go somewhere, it gets put on the back burner because of all Matt's wants and needs. At the end of the day, all I've become is a living ghost at home.
I think it's been a few months since I've even spoken a word to my parents, not that they've ever noticed. Sometimes I wonder if they forgot that they had twins.
"Which one is he?" some girl whispered loudly.
"That's Kyle, not Matt. I've tried to speak to him before, but the guy's so depressing," another said.
"They're completely different for twins."
"If only Kyle was more like Matt."
School was pretty much like this every day, and at some point, I became numb to it all. I had accepted that until graduation, I'd never be as important or liked as him, so I just had to rough out this last year and I'd be free. I had a plan and money saved to rent at least a shitty apartment, as long as it was far from my own home.
After all, no one here wanted to be around the gloomy loser twin, Kyle Bennington.
Five out of seven days of the week, I woke up for school and immediately weighed the pros and cons of skipping school and just ending it all. Mostly, I was staying alive and going through the motions because I didn't know a more suitable way to end myself. I didn't know anyone who could or would sell me a gun. Pills failed more often than not and would only induce vomiting. Wrecking my parents' car just seemed like a dick move. Hanging looked painful, opening a vein seemed messy, and so did lying on the train tracks. Throwing myself off a cliff and letting the ocean take me would've been my best option had I not been so scared of heights that I got vertigo and collapsed every time I approached the cliff's edge.
I'd tried enough times to know that for sure.
"HEY FREAK!" Right on cue, I was shoved to the ground by Paul Ruby. He usually led the bullies while maintaining a position as my twin brother's best friend. He was shaking and glaring down at me like I had thrown an egg at him. Today he looked pissed off rather than smug, so it meant that I was going to really get it from him. "ANSWER ME!" He spat with murderous intent, fists balled at his side ready to lash out. "Open your fat fucking mouth and speak!" He kicked me in the stomach when I declined to speak, flinch, or cower away from him. "You fucking retard!"
As usual, I said absolutely nothing. I didn't even look around at the crowd forming. No one would help me. I just had to take the daily dose of sadism and Paul would be on his way, right?
However, today, it seemed he wanted to escalate the situation further. Paul fell upon me like a whirlwind, slamming down his full body weight with a barrage of heavy fists.
I curled up into a ball, instinctively covering up my head—but not fast enough to avoid a split lip, a black eye, and what I know feels like a concussion. I felt a sharp pain going up my down my arm and wrist and side. While I struggled past the pain, I realized that maybe this was my way out.
Though I didn't want to give him the satisfaction, I accepted my fate. Actually, it was a tidy and convenient solution to my problem. I hadn't provoked a confrontation but also couldn't be bothered to defend myself... would the fact I'm letting myself get beat up get noticed?
Maybe the whole scenario was slightly poetic in a sense.
Suddenly everything stopped with the school bell ringing signaling the start of class. Everyone dispersed from around me like nothing had happened as usual, including Paul.
Fuck.
I got up slowly, working through the pain, and went straight to the bathroom to clean myself up. Paul can sure pack a punch.
The more I think about it, the more I can't help but notice that if I had just answered the oaf, I wouldn't have gotten beaten up like that. I brought this pain all on myself.
I entered the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I stared at my reflection, taking in the bleak features that made me feel like a stranger to myself. My black hair, disheveled and unruly, framed my face, making the split lip and black eye stand out even more like badges of dishonor, each one telling a story I wished I could erase but would probably be etched into my brain forever. My green eyes, bruised and swollen, were full of loathing as I took in every detail of my face. The delicate lines and soft curves that almost blurred the lines of gender made me feel disconnected, lost.
This wasn't me. This couldn't be me. The person in the mirror was an infinite reminder of everything I hated, every insecurity magnified a thousand times. I reached up to touch my swollen lip. Why couldn't I be someone else? Anyone else. The reflection stared back, unyielding, and I felt a wave of anger and sadness wash over me. I hated what I saw, but more than that, I hated that I couldn't change it.
Why wasn't I Matt?
Why couldn't I be Matt?
I could feel my tears finally start to spill over, and I had to look away from myself. At least I was able to hold it in until I was alone. I may have brought this on myself, but just half a year more and I'll be free. I just have to hold it in for half a year more!
I checked my phone as it buzzed with a text from my father in the family group chat. The news was that we were all going out to eat Italian food tonight because he and Matt just had to have us try this restaurant they found and a reservation has already been made. I guess it meant he completely forgot that he promised to help me put together my college portfolio tonight since it was his rare day off.
But of course, he'd want to spend it with his golden son. Really, I should've known better than to hold out hope that he'd follow through on a promise to me this one time.
I wasn't important enough for that.
I heard a sound come from the stall behind me as I washed my face, so I quickly grabbed a napkin and ran out of the bathroom to head to class.
I almost got caught showing how I really felt.
"Matthew, I—oh, it's the other one," the math teacher, Mrs Thompson said, lifting her lip. Had things gotten so bad that my teacher doesn't know my name still? Has it really become Matt and the other one? Did she really have to look at me like I was a piece of crap? "Well, no matter, bring this to the student council office for me. It's important stuff."
"Sure," I sighed and took the stack of printouts from her. For a second, the math teacher didn't let it go and just stared at me. Was she going to ask about my face? "What?"
"You really aren't friendly. If you smiled a bit more, you could be more like Matthew," she said.
Of course.
I hear that at least once a day from the other students, but I didn't think the teachers thought so as well. Did all my teachers secretly wish I was Matt behind my back? Was helping her with what she asked not a friendly thing to do? I don't cause trouble for anyone, I have the best grades in the entire school, and I always do as I'm told by authority figures, but it's still not enough from me. "Is that all, ma'am?"
The math teacher shook her head and walked off, leaving me to stew in my miserable feelings of self-pity. I wasn't aware if I was actually nice or not, but nothing I can think of warranted a comment like that. I am me and Matt is Matt! Why couldn't everyone see that already?! Why did I have to be like him?! Why couldn't I just be me?
Was I not allowed to exist?
After dropping off the papers and getting a few more uncomfortable stares from people, I caught a glimpse of my crush of two years.
Anna Knowles, the only one who saw me for me and didn't compare me to Matthew! She was nice to me no matter what! She's the reason I put off my plans to harm myself. My one and only saving grace! The only one other than me who can see that Matt is nothing but a—
"—should I do? I'm so tired of pretending already! I was only getting along with Kyle for your sake, Matt! I'm getting physically sick now that I know he has a crush on me!" she snapped loudly. "The other girls are really teasing me because I keep being nice to that loser. You said one more month of this and I can finally have a date with you! It's been two years now!"
"I didn't know you doing me this favor was such a burden," Matt consoled her. So Matt had to bribe people to be nice to me now? Every smile and conversation was not because of me, but because of Matt? She was never really on my side this whole time? "You don't have to endure it anymore."
"Thank god! I know you guys are twins but I wish he was at least a bit like you, it would at least make him more tolerable."
"Anna, we're different people entirely."
"He's just so gloomy, and it bums me the hell out. Why are you two so different?"
"That isn't very nice, you know. He is still my brother."
"Like you care," Anna chuckled.
I heard nothing but loud kissing sounds prompting me to walk away just feeling like I wanted to cry myself into oblivion.
No! I deserved this! How stupid could I be so stupid as to think someone actually liked being around me at all? Of course, it was because of Matt. How could I actually believe someone was interested in me, even for a second without interference from Matt? How could I not expect her to also go for the option everyone thinks is better? How could I not expect her to abandon me like everyone else has?
I was not Matt and I never would be.
Kapitel 2: It Gets Worse
TW: Bullying
I could hear the snickers and whispers behind me as I walked down the hall, trying to keep my head down and focus on anything but them.
"Hey, Kyle! Did you hear? Matt and Anna are officially a thing now!" someone called out, the words dripping with mockery. I clenched my jaw, trying to ignore the sting.
"Guess she chose the better twin, huh?" another voice chimed in, followed by laughter. It wasn't enough that Matt was always the one everyone liked more; now he had Anna too.
I kept my eyes forward, refusing to give them the satisfaction of a reaction. Inside, though, it hurt.
"Maybe if you weren't so weird, Kyle, you'd have a chance," someone said, their voice cutting through the noise like a knife.
I bit down on the inside of my cheek, forcing myself to keep walking, to keep pretending that their words didn't matter. It was just another comparison, another reminder that in everyone's eyes, I was the lesser twin. I glanced at my reflection in a passing window, seeing the same black eye and split lip that had stared back at me this morning.
I wouldn't let them know how much it hurt. So I straightened my back and kept walking, ignoring the taunts the best I could, even though each one felt like a fresh new wound.
"Bro!" Matt ran up to me as if nothing were wrong at all. "Shit, what happened to your face?"
Paul stood behind him giving me a death glare, silently warning me to keep my mouth shut. "Why don't you speak?"
"Yeah, I want an explanation," Matt said.
"About what?" I asked.
"Come on, don't play dumb! What happened to your face! And why did some of the girls say you were trying to be like me?" Matt chuckled. "Right now I need to get everyone's support for the midterm student council elections."
"Come on, in the first place, who would mistake us for each other?" I scowled.
"I don't know what you intend to do, but I need this campaign to go well for my college applications. I know we have the same face but can you stop discrediting my image more than you already have?" Matt sighed. "The girls said you were thinking of becoming like me, but don't think about it. You can only be you—"
"Shut up!" I snapped. "I don't even know what the hell you're talking about. What about you? Since when were you and Anna a thing?"
"We aren't—"
"I don't actually care. It was just another way for you and your friends to laugh at me, right?" I shrugged. He was horrible for leading her on like that and I must've seemed like such a creep. "I hope it was very entertaining for you. I'm sure that girl didn't like that at all. What you did was awful."
"Listen! That's just a rumor! I'd never—"
"IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
The noise in the hallway had been a constant background buzz, but when I yelled at Matt, everything went silent for a moment. Then, it was like a switch flipped. The whole hallway turned on me, their faces twisted with anger and disdain. I saw Paul step forward, his expression menacing as he loomed over me like he was going to strike me.
"You think you're as good as Matt? You're not!" Paul spat, his voice loud enough to draw everyone's attention. "Apologize, now."
"Paul, stop it!" Matt pulled him back.
A chorus of voices joined in, chanting, "Apologize! Apologize!" It felt like the walls were closing in on me as things started flying my way—pencils, crumpled papers, even a textbook. My heart pounded in my chest, but I refused to show them how scared and humiliated I felt.
I shot Matt a glare, expecting some sort of intervention, some sign that he didn't want this. But he just stood there, looking almost lost and desperate for words.
Ignoring the chanting and the projectiles, I turned and walked the other way, determined not to give them the satisfaction of seeing me break. But it wasn't that easy. Hands shoved me from side to side, pushing me in different directions as I tried to escape the crowd.
Eventually, I broke free and found myself in the stairwell that nobody used. It was quiet here, and no one usually used these stairs anymore. I sank down on the steps, my body shaking with the effort to hold back tears. I leaned my head against the cool wall, closing my eyes and letting the silence wash over me.
For a moment, I could almost pretend I was somewhere else, someone else. But the bruises and split lip, the echoes of their taunts, and the fact that I have Matt's face kept me grounded in my reality. I was alone, unwanted, and not as good as my twin.
"Hey," someone said from behind me. Fuck! This place is always empty! Why is someone here? I quickly wiped my face but continued to face the wall. If they got mad at me for ignoring them, they can just hit me and get it over with. "Hey, I'm talking to you. You'd better have a good reason for disturbing me."
I looked up a bit to see what could possibly be my next problem.
He stood over me like a tower, his presence overwhelming and intimidating. Tall and muscular, he had the kind of handsome face that made people overlook the cruelty in his eyes. His jawline was sharp, his features chiseled, and his confidence exuded an aura of untouchability. Even now his brown hair and eyes looked charming despite my fear. This was the school bully, the one everyone feared and no one crossed.
Ethan Swanson.
I could feel his gaze on me, a mixture of disdain and amusement as he looked down at me crying on the steps. His broad shoulders and powerful frame seemed to take up all the space, making me feel even smaller and more vulnerable.
"Look at you," he said plainly. "Pathetic."
I looked back down, my eyes fixed on the floor as tears continued to fall, faster this time. The sound of his voice sent a shiver down my spine. Was he going to be the one to kill me? He was the embodiment of everything I feared, everything I hated about this place called school. And now, here he was, towering over me, enjoying my pain.
"Ugh, I didn't mean that. What I meant to say is that I see you here crying almost every day," he backtracked.
Great! I was fucking seen! "If you're going to beat me up, just do it!" I sobbed.
"I'm not going to beat you up for crying. I've got a reputation to protect," he knelt down so we were making eye contact. "The first day I saw you here crying... well would you believe me if I say I kept coming back to see you crying here?"
"You enjoy seeing me miserable too?" I asked.
"No, I don't. It's actually really shitty," Ethan said, wiping my face.
"What're you—"
"Go out with me, Kyle." Ethan smiled.
What? Why? Why was this happening to me? Why had I, of all people, caught the eye of the school bully? Was this God punishing me for something? Have I been that terrible in my life that he'd send Ethan Swanson, violence personified, to my side to joke?
Why him of all people?
"I'm not in the mood for your jokes right now," I turned my head.
"It's not a joke. I want you." Ethan took my chin between his fingers and turned my head back to look at him.
"Listen, I'm not Matt so—"
"I said I wanted you, not Matt," Ethan said.
This guy wanted me? What a joke. Did people think I'd really be so desperate as to just accept the first person who looked as though they wanted to be around me? Someone probably asked him to do this as a prank on me, didn't they? Being so openly accepting of any sort of affection was what got me into a big mess in the first place. So this had to be fake, right?
Well, now that I think about it, although Ethan is known as a school bully, he's never bullied me. Is this how it starts? Is this another humiliation tactic?
"I don't believe you."
"Would you believe me if I told you that I believe you're destined to be mine?" Ethan asked.
"Why would I believe that?"
"I just never imagined a person like you existed. I just want to look at you more and more, especially now that you're glaring at me. I'm really glad I waited for you today. I am sorry about your cute face though," Ethan cupped my cheek gently before I slapped it away. Ethan gave me a look, not one of hate but one that seemed to promise I could get eaten up at any time. His piercing eyes bore into me with a predatory intensity, a smirk playing on his lips. It was a look that sent chills down my spine. His presence was overwhelming. "Ah, but it's not good if I scare you too. I just wanted a smiling boyfriend. Why don't you give me a shot?"
If this was a game, it should be over once he shit talks Matt, right? If I can get him to do that, naturally he'll get mad and expose his own gamer. "Why don't you like Matt?"
"I can see past the goody two shoes act. He's so fake," Ethan said. "I also find him quite annoying to deal with."
That's the first time I'd ever heard that, but it doesn't mean a thing, just that he's smart about trying to play me and determined to ruin my school year.
"I'm going to take your silence as a yes, you know," Ethan whispered into my ear in a low voice.
I instinctively pushed Ethan away from me and sprinted down the hallway to my classroom. Surely I was safe here amongst the regular taunting whispers than to be in the hands of Ethan Swanson by myself.
It didn't feel safe. It didn't feel comfortable! And I still don't believe he actually wants me to go out with him for real. I still think it's just a prank!
Oh god! I pushed him and ran away! He'd never let me get away with that! Ugh! This has to be the worst day ever! What did this guy even want with me?
When class finished, I exited last as usual, but to my surprise Ethan was waiting outside of my classroom. Fuck! Was I going to get beat up again?
Ethan just smiled. "You have physics next. Let's go."
What? "Um—"
"Come on, let's not be late for class," Ethan pushed me forward towards the direction of my next class. There was no shortage of strange looks shot my way as Ethan hovered over me like a violent ghost. "Why do you keep peaking at your boyfriend's face like that?"
Boyfriend?! "I didn't agree to that!"
"I said I took your silence as a yes. Today marks our first day as a couple."
Fuck. That did happen and I stupidly stayed mute! "Are we really dating right now?" I groaned.
"You still think I'm joking? You can like me as much as I like you now," Ethan confirmed.
"If it's because I cried, you don't have to do that," I frowned. "You don't even know what kind of person I am or any of my interests."
"Hm, so you'd like me take more of an interest in you? I can definitely do that for you," Ethan smiled brightly. This is why I stayed mute, I just dig holes for myself when I open my mouth. Why would I want him taking an interest me at all?! How did he get that from what I just said. There had to be something so wrong with him for real.
"Please don't, I beg you," I said.
"You're really cute, Kyle," Ethan laughed. "I want your number, now."
Fuck.
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