Kapitel 106: Reggie Lee & Park Joon-Woo (5)
"Talk to him." Ryeo Hyun said.
"I can't!" Reggie insisted, sounding a bit panicked.
"We live in the same dorm, of course you can…" Ryeo Hyun folded his arms.
"I can't! I– I don't know how he'll react…" Reggie admitted.
Ryeo Hyun shook his head disapprovingly. "Joon-woo is reasonable and mature, what are you so scared of?"
Reggie paused, "It's– I mean, you've seen how irritable he gets about this… queerbaiting…"
Ryeo Hyun rolled his eyes, "So it gets to you too, this messy romance stuff." He scoffed. "You clearly need to talk it out."
Reggie pursed his lips, "But Hyung–"
Ryeo Hyun put a finger to Reggie's lips, "It's my job to take care of my youngest dongsaengs, so when they are at odds, my advice is needed."
Reggie tapped anxiously at his thigh. "If this goes wrong, hyung…"
Ryeo Hyun shook his head, "It won't."
Reggie stared suspiciously at his Hyung.
"It better not."
–+–
Joon-woo felt uptight all around. He had caved a bit, due to stress, and had a snack too many more than he'd like. It showed in the mirror when Joon-woo looked, a small bloat of gluten ruining his flat stomach.
He didn't even care that much, sure he had caved to the sugary desires, but it only stemmed from his Hyung's insistence to. Sure, his body felt better, but his insecurities didn't. He had been more stressed about image more than anything.
Every word a rookie spoke was dangerous, especially when one of said rookies is your supposed 'boyfriend'. Cameras only followed Joon-woo and Reggie, wherever ASCEND went. It was like no one even cared about the music or other members anymore, and it was suffocating.
He leaned into the car seat beneath him. ASCEND was on their way back from the airport after their music show appearance in Japan. They didn't win, not to Joon-woo's surprise, but they recorded tick-tocks with other idols and even got along with some of them. Perhaps it was good for interactions, the visit.
He had been catching weird stares all day, it felt. Not just from Carre or Kite, because they were always watching with lingering eyes. Kite and Carre, Joon-woo had grown used to, but this time it was Reggie being odd and staring at Joon-woo.
It wasn't concern or the fake 'lust' stares they made when in the media's eye, but anxiety.
Even as Joon-woo peered out the window of their van, he could feel Reggie's gaze piercing the back of his neck and even saw Reggie staring in the reflection of the window.
"Maybe Reggie's embracing the BGP fully now." Carre joked with a sinister grin. Kite was oddly quiet, when he was usually more vocal when opposing Carre's unnecessary comments. Stuff like 'do you ever shut your mouth?' or 'not the time, furball'.
She had been making ongoing comments about Joon-woo and Reggie, too many.
Joon-woo shifted in his seat, uncomfortable. He was really just trying to get through this promotion period. His body was exhausted from overwork and now, finally out of media-eye, he just wanted to lie down and rest.
When the van pulled up to their dorm, Joon-woo fell into auto-pilot.
Thanks to his long hair that now ran about four inches past his shoulder, he was given the leisure of showering first in their two-bathroom dorm. He practically ran to the hot water, after all a warm bed awaited him.
So exiting the bathroom with his hair wrapped into a towel, he was displeased to find Reggie sitting at the kitchen island by himself, looking at Joon-woo expectantly.
Carre immediately grabbed Kite by what would be a bird's nape and scurried off. She winked at Joon-woo before it all.
"Did you see what Mr. Jeong said?" Joon-woo asked Reggie, trying to play off the awkward atmosphere.
Reggie didn't reply, but his face was anxiety-ridden and that told Joon-woo all he needed to know.
"Reggie Hyung, what's… what's up with you?" Joon-woo asked, "Are you feeling sick or something?"
Reggie sighed and shook his head, "Joon-woo, can we talk?"
Joon-woo couldn't help but think about what that meant. For once he was happy Carre wasn't here and probably beating up Kite.
–+–
"Do I make you uncomfortable? Does 'us' make you uncomfortable?" Reggie asked, seeming at the verge of tears.
Joon-woo belted a note while moving his body wildly across the practice room. The generation of K-Pop he had debuted in was a very dance-heavy one, difficult footwork being a common denominator in each group.
The practice room was empty except for Joon-woo and the small speaker playing 'Beach Day'.
"Don't phrase it like that." Joon-woo replied, leaning on the counter while hiding his face in his hands.
"So I do." Reggie replied
Joon-woo's body ached. His eyes were heavy yet the strength in his moves seemed infinite. Their dance instructors had complimented Joon-woo's quick growth for a reason, he supposed.
"You don't." Joon–woo replied coldly. "You never have."
"Then why have you been so distant? It's like when the cameras are off you don't even want to look at me." Reggie explained.
Joon-woo crumpled his lips.
"I'm not– That's not what I meant it as."
Reggie tried to hide his grimace by clicking his tongue. "They what? What do you mean then?"
Joon-woo wasn't sure, "I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I don't."
Reggie scoffed, "[Bullshit.]"
Joon-woo flinched at the curse word. Reggie had never cursed at him before.
Joon-woo's breath was heavy as he fell onto his butt. The practice room floor was cold when he lay lazily upon it, drenched wet in sweat.
His stomach growled and ached. There was a growing cramp in his side.
"Is it the BGP?" Reggie asked, voice condescending as if he was speaking to an uncommunicative child. "It's the BGP, I know it." He went on.
Joon-woo shook his head, exhausted and in disbelief. "Does it not bother you?"
"It doesn't." Reggie almost immediately replied.
"How?" Joon-woo quietly said, more of a plea.
"Why would it? It's for the job, it's for the money, isn't that your own beliefs? Why are they changing now?" Reggie was raising his voice now.
The ceiling was popcorn and white. There were odd scratches and splotches of wet dried puddle from age. The floor was cold against Joon-woo's exposed parts.
Why were his principles so different when it came to Reggie? He hadn't felt this unsure about something regarding idol life. He was Jung Ha-rin, veteran and infamous idol. He was Park Joon-woo, an effort-giving and angel-looking person who never faltered on camera.
"I don't know, I told you." Joon-woo weakly replied.
"No you do. You always know. You always know why and what to do, you know when one of us is feeling down, you know so much so how can you not know now?" Reggie tried to explain, but how words came out was a jumbled and emotional dogpile.
"I'm not some perfect angel, Reggie." Joon-woo chuckled at how ridiculous the amount of confidence Reggie had in such emotionally-driven words.
Reggie looked at Joon-woo with desperate shining eyes.
And it was silent.
Joon-woo let the song play alone off his phone. The floor was comfy, he found. The practice room's AC ran loudly over Joon-woo's slowing and catching breaths. The sky was dark out the window, a small tid of light peeking from the bottom.
"Are you scared?" Reggie asked, almost in disbelief.
"Of what?"
"This. Us." Reggie was talking with his hands now.
"I–" Joon-woo clicked his tongue, "It's gonna change us."
"How?"
Joon-woo shook his head to try and evade the heavy emotions pooling out of his control.
"If people only see us for some fake relationship, if that's all they talk and write about, how could it not?" Joon-woo broke. "They don't see us like idols anymore, they see us as some gay dolls they can just mush together like glue or something." He was talking fast, Joon-woo. He never talked fast to let everyone understand him. "I don't want to be seen as that."
Reggie sighed, as if he was contemplating his next words.
"Joon-woo, if I tell you this, will you keep quiet?"
Joon-woo's mouth had lived sealed shut. As an idol, you couldn't talk politics or complain. You couldn't stagger or profess love for anyone. He was always quiet, anyway. He had always felt numb overviewing heated discussions, because opinions just didn't formulate in his head, not strong ones anyway. He had no opinions to express, wasn't he the perfect idol?
"I'm gay." Reggie admitted.
Joon-woo froze.
"I– I don't like you like that, don't worry." Reggie added, thinking that was the cause of Joon-woo's quiet reaction. "It's just– especially here, in Korea, what other ways can I express my sexuality than this?" His voice broke as if he was about to cry. Reggie didn't cry, though.
Joon-woo paused.
"Even this whole act we have, Joon-woo, we get stares and death threats. So imagine if it was real and not subtle like us?"
Perhaps it was the word Joon-woo was missing. 'Fetishization'. Even as Ha-rin, gay relationships, the media publicized ones at least, were treated as an object of mass interest. The discussion of tops and bottoms, twinks and muscled men, and more was treated as more of a toy than a reality.
Joon-woo knew everything but the right word for it.
"I know… it's wrong to use our obligations as idols like this, but what choice does someone like me have? " Reggie asked.
Joon-woo didn't reply.
"Joon-woo, please say something."
Joon-woo didn't reply.
Joon-woo looked at the popcorn ceiling above him.
In all his expertise, this was a situation he hadn't learned to encounter.
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
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