Kapitel 188: 28. Yesterday Once More.
I was on the rooftop in Quebec, waiting for my next victim to arrive. I had successfully taken down many targets on my list, although not all of them. Nonetheless, I was in a good mood, patiently anticipating the moment when my victim would leave the facility. Everything seemed perfect in the world at that moment.
As the leader of a paramilitary resistance organization against evil medical facilities, illegal experiments, and medical torture, I couldn't help but think about my own background. I used to be considered the "American sweetheart," but I wondered if that still held true. It all depended on who you asked. To my enemies, like this man I was about to eliminate, I was their worst nightmare. However, there were plenty of people who saw me as a savior for the innocent, if there even were any innocents left in the world.
Suddenly, the door opened, and a tall, thin man with black hair walked out. He was my victim. I could feel my pleasure mounting to its peak. Without hesitation, I pulled the trigger, watching as his chest erupted into a bloody mess. It was a perfect kill, one more despicable person was eliminated. At that moment, I felt like a god, holding the power to decide who lived and who died.
As this god, I had no mercy for those who tortured others. I was dispensing justice for those who could not get it. These shitheads get to go scot-free one time too many. I took a deep breath, and let the pleasure wash over me. Slight grunting and shifting sounds interfered with the bliss and the perfect state of being that I was experiencing.
The creature lying helplessly beside me was the demon king, bound and waiting for me to finish my task. Once I was done, I would continue to feed off him, as he had become my meal for the past week. It saved me time during my missions, ensuring I could take out my targets efficiently. There was plenty of feeding on him. I was feeling less predatory as I got that side done via my victims.
I had made some mistakes during my hunting trip in South America, getting a bit too excited and missing out on opportunities. But now, I had a better plan in place. The plan was so damn good that I had no worries. I would not miss so many targets and this felt like a good thing to do, take the bastards out, do my job, and of course, I was getting paid.
One payer was Reddington's network even though there was another leader in these days. They still cooperated with me and delivered kill lists, paid if I took down their targets. They had much of some ideology that Reddington had. The only thing was that I had never told this to even Magnum or Damon. I did not specify where I would get my deposit boxes or money for certain victims.
I sank my fangs into the demon king before teleporting us to the next location. I had already scouted out my vantage points, so I knew where to go. Everything was fine as long as I had enough blood and no one around me asking stupid questions. And my targets were on time, as they should be. My fuse was really short these days and I just could not take disappointments or chances that well.
I had established a few bases and made it clear how things should be done. No questions asked. I also went to various bases, made them work even better, and troubleshoot if there had been any bigger problems. I had been a good leader, crazy, but still tried to be as good as possible. I did not ask anything about anyone else, but did my job myself. No need to have the council all the time to be so damn mutual in every freaking aspect of this work.
It was nighttime, and I was dressed in my gear - a long black leather jacket, seductive skirt, top with my midriff bared, and all the necessary supplies for my kills. Meaning my thigh holsters as well as one in the hip, I was walking in a boulevard of broken dreams once again. As I walked into the bar, my heels clicked on the pavement. Nighttime was my time. I was ready for this again. The target was easy to entice - just another loser who thought they had a chance with someone like me. I seduced him easily and led him into an alley, where I killed him.
Instead of immediately going after my next targets, I explored a few more alleys. I slinked into the shadows and sank my fangs into the demon king I had trussed up and left there, waiting for me. Time to get some blood in me. Kept me going. My killings weren't as swift as usual - I needed a little snack after each victim as I drove around the city getting the job done.
By that time, I needed some serious blood, so I would typically have a meal ready, trussed up in a nearby alleyway. That way, my target was ready and willing once I finished my job. Well, willing to some extent. Sometimes, if I felt generous, I would drain them slowly, causing them to experience intense pleasure, meaning orgasms like crazy in their pants and the desire to be bitten again. I didn't keep them in my hive; I simply gave them a good time while draining their blood.
Of course, after bloodmeal, there was always a high. I sat in that dark alley, content with a belly full of warm blood, gazing at the supermoon shining brightly in the night sky. It illuminated the surroundings like no other. It wasn't a blood moon, just a remarkably bright one. My intoxicating state enhanced the experience, and I couldn't help but think how often others get to feel this way in their everyday lives, while I seldom do.
Why was that? I had no idea, and I chuckled to myself as I let my mind wander, pondering the reasons behind my self-sabotaging tendencies. What sin had driven me to punish myself? I was the one who denied all pleasure to myself. I was thinking in deep thought, going back to my history all the way to my last days as a human. Had my killings there affected me? Or had it been that rage that had changed my mind?
I had sure, shared some of my memories in this time with Damon and Wulfe too, but not really my sensations, my feelings, and my intoxicated state, well it made my mind able to tolerate those feelings of weakness, pain, confusion. I just let them flood in my mind and did not notice as they bled through packbonds into Adam.
At some point, I noticed my ass was getting wet, and I felt cold. If I wanted to ensure that I would get some more victims killed tonight, I really needed to get moving. But hey, being immortal meant I had plenty of nights ahead of me. I would have time to find more victims later, so there was no need to rush all the time. Once again, my usual desire to save others didn't register.
It was all because my mind was a mess, and it would take time and intensive therapy to get me in the right frame of mind. My recovery, well, it would be one that I had not thought of or had in quite a long time, but it did the trick. That is for later in my little story.
As the leader, there were times when I needed to be clear, explaining to everyone what had been done, how it had been done, and what I expected from them. No more just hanging around and waiting for something to happen. Everyone needed to contribute, and if they weren't interested, they were free to leave. I had quite a few outbursts along the way, as I had noticed that nothing grabbed the attention of the entire base like me yelling at the top of my lungs in front of everyone. It motivated them to do better, and I had no problem raising my voice to get things back on track.
I convinced myself that I was just doing my job and had developed the courage to voice my opinions rather than keep everything inside. How on earth would anyone know if they were doing what I needed if I didn't communicate it to them? Throwing tantrums in the middle of Central Hub was nothing weird for me at that time. But let's just say that it was one habit that did not stick. Of course, when I had just enjoyed a good meal, courtesy of a captured demon king, I would shower my people with praise like no other.
As I mentioned, my mood swung from intense tantrums to being a cheerful and fun-loving leader who made everyone laugh. The downside was that my reputation became quite unpredictable, as no one knew what mood I was in or what they could say or do around me. This affected quite some time and there was a good boost to my reputation, meaning what I said went and there was no hesitation in obeying my orders. Of course, it gave me pressure to make sure that my orders were solid.
My state was in a crazy state. However, it did not hinder me from fully doing my job. Much of it was automatic in my mind, so I knew what to do and how to do it. Even though my brain was getting more and more messed up each day, no one seemed to notice anything wrong with me. This was because I hadn't been to those bases very often, and many people had never really met me. I knew how to make things happen.
My reputation was wild, but not bad. I was not seen as a bad leader, even now in retrospect. I can see that I wasn't at my best, but somehow I managed to do my work well enough that no extra deaths occurred and no one suffered too badly. Well, my tantrum did give me a serious boost for the future, and that's just how it was. I had lost quite a lot of my inhibitions of being proper and reserved, meaning there were genuine emotions in my face and actual emotions. They were recognizable.
Regarding my work, my focus was as choppy as ever, so it didn't go so well. My staff had to keep up, meaning they had to clear my desk if I had one and just walk away. But that wasn't everything. If I were to come back and someone was in my office trying to see what I had done, I would accuse them of not trusting me or trying to take over leadership. I might even turn around and walk away, not coming back, and they would have to do the work, anyway. Of course, I was covering my state, so there was no contact with Magnum or any of my five. I did not give permission.
In terms of my physical appearance, I was somewhat unkempt from time to time. I didn't bother to take showers often, and I would be lying on dirty rooftops, so my clothes might be quite dirty as I walked in. Despite my messy state, I was idolized by many. Many of my people saw me as a hero, an almost perfect being, regardless of what mess I was involved in at any given time. In my mind, I had some reasons. My outward appearance was not my priority, and it was good and dandy for me to look like I would just come from a ditch after a week of being in there.
I managed to hit quite a few targets, and what was peculiar was that my addiction, or whatever it was, affected my brain chemistry in a way that took away my obsessions to shoot after Sark or Krycheck. I could easily direct others to deal with them. It was all good and dandy, and things got done well. It wasn't all bad, not in the slightest, especially when I was in my high gear. Oh boy, I could make things happen. My brain seemed to run at 200% faster, and I had some great ideas. So, we had a few good hits during that time. We had our successes at this time and some of them stayed as they really worked. My mind just perceived everything in a different way and it made some connections, some new revelations as well.
Sometimes, I have pondered about this particular period of time. I would smile wistfully, despite the negative impact it had on my personal life. Perhaps those outcomes were meant to be. My relationships with Damon, Wulfe, and Magnum suffered during this time. It taught us all many lessons and, well, you just can't change the past.
Colin, who had no idea that anything was wrong with me initially, gave them a hard time over the years because of it. It was crucial to address this issue from the start. Just like my very first litter changed me, this period of time also had its own transformative effect. They missed that initial moment, and it had consequences of its own. Every little thing that I go through influences me. And more than often, that influence can change something in my body, in my physiology even. It is not all just mental.
Regrets, missed opportunities, and misconceptions are all part of our lives. I knew deep down that they would still occur from time to time, despite the many hard lessons we have learned in our lifetime. It's funny, in a very sarcastic way, to be immortal and have all the time in the world to make a mess of things. It is just what my pack is good at and so I am. Maybe this was a lesson for us all. It taught me what will happen to me if I keep things to myself, do not share my problems, or even admit that there is something wrong with me.
This addiction has altered my brain chemistry, affecting my serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and something called VA-NMDA, which stands for vampire-NMDA. Vampire's brains have four types of these substances, and they regulate our bloodlust, moods, and perception. These changes, leave their marks, and imprints in our neural mapping, meaning how we perceive ourselves, and the world, and it also affects how our brain works. Most of the effects are somewhat permanent, despite me or others being immortal, and unkillable, our brains have a certain elasticity and it enables us to learn, change, and adapt.
This syndrome, in short, occurs when a vampire consumes very potent blood, such as the energy from a black sorceress. It causes the NDMAs to skyrocket, leading to an increase in serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine, and various other substances in our brains. However, it's a delicate balance, as we experience a significant drop in these substances when we don't get that blood high. This drives us to constantly seek that heightened state, and once we achieve it, we feel incredibly euphoric. It is a never-ending cycle of chasing that state. Well, it is a little like human addiction, right? It is not.
However, the treatment process is challenging. If you restrict blood intake for someone grappling with this syndrome, they experience a crash, as if every molecule in their brain is insufficient. There are changes in brain cells, the size of certain parts of the brain, and also in the physical state. This triggers a cascade reaction that eventually leads to deep depression, and overcoming it is no straightforward task.
Victims are usually unable to feel much of anything. It is different when a vampire turns off humanity, they just shut off one part of the brain, but this collapses normal brain chemistry, atrophies certain types of brain cells, and vampires are in a state where nothing feels like there are no colors in the world. Vampires normally perceive everything so much more heightened than humans, and now, they are in a deeper state of darkness than even the most depressed humans.
Colin has been assisting vampires who suffer from this syndrome, and it requires time, patience, understanding, and proper medical treatment. Sadly, even with his help, approximately 30% of those he tries to assist end up taking their own lives at some point, as the depression can be that severe. It takes drugs; it takes a lot of staff for his clinics to get the patients back to feeling even something.
As a vampire who is not normal, my case was even more severe. However, being immortal and unkillable, there was no way for me to end my own life. I realized this, but the weight of my depression was overwhelming. It was a significant turning point in my life, as I had to navigate my way alone, feeling utterly isolated. My treatment was what it was supposed to be, but me being me, I covered my bad state up. Not let them see just how dark a place I was.
I have not much talked about this time in my life. Not even several pack members are trying to get me talking and maybe just writing my story, well I will have to deal with this shit at some point, so it may well be at this time.
This experience changed so much, even between me and Wulfe, who felt that he couldn't be there for me in my darkest hour. He didn't know that perhaps it happened for a divine reason, to strengthen my mind and make me realize I was the one who had my own back. Despite how important Wulfe has been in my life, there have been times when he couldn't be there for me.
I never blamed my pack, even though they had no idea how to help me, just as I didn't know that I would require different treatment than what the pack was giving me. They learned a lesson: we are not humans, so they saw my state as a human addiction and had their biases. They believed addicts are weak and need to be taught a lesson, to suck it up and face the consequences. These biases and misconceptions affected how they saw and treated me, and it even affected how I saw myself. I felt like a weak loser, with no strength or resilience. I didn't believe I was worthy of love.
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
-- Power-
Rangliste 
-- Power-
Stein