Kapitel 72: Chapter 68: Gyesogdoeneun (Continued)
"By the way, why haven't you changed into the clothes I picked out for you? Are they not to your taste?" "No, the clothes are beautiful...I just...well..." "Go on, you can tell me anything." "erm...look don't take this the wrong way...the last thing I want to you feel is that I am ungrateful but..." "...but you feel conflicted?" I could only look at him in shock whilst it was his turn to laugh at my reaction. "Ive known you for a decade, I can read you easily...sometimes." "I guess...I haven't decided yet...if I should stand up for myself and the world I come from...or trade it for yours for protection..." I was afraid of looking at his reaction so I kept my face covered for a while with my hair which I undid on the spot without thinking twice. Women should always have their hair tied up, especially when in the company of men. I didn't even think about it until I felt his finger sweeping my hair away so he could see my face. He had an expression of his own which I couldn't fully interpret "I will always protect you, no matter how you dress or what you say." He promised me softly...and for the first time I was trapped in his gaze like a prey that had been found by its hunter...until we heard his father's footsteps behind us and we simultaneously broke away from each other.
I didn't know why that old conversation of ours that was stirring in my mind when I looked back at my torn clothes, only to realise that Seon-Ho hadn't left my room yet and was still just...staring at me. We had just been punished to kneel in front of Nam-Jeon's office for hours on end whilst the concubine on the other hand, was on house arrest for what she had done to me after she ratted out herself when she exploded at me. And her remaining servants had almost been flogged to death for both the attempted poisoning of the food stall and almost exposing my existence to the outside world. The only reason that they were still alive was because he didn't want to cause her too much emotional stress and loose her baby, especially in his property. And we hadn't really exchanged any words with each other since our meeting earlier, but yet I could just feel his eyes burning into me the entire time. It did strangely warm me up inside in a way that I had never even dared to hope to feel before. He was just so..tall and muscular and so damned handsome that I could not for the life of me take my eyes off of him every time he was in my sight. I did not even bring up the fact that I had been wide awake on my bed when he just...came in and made himself at home in his mother's quarters. He even put his arms around me but...but that could also be a testament of our old friendship that we had that I still could not remember. I had frequently hear him muttering under his breath about how much I had changed but...but the fact reminded that I still had epilepsy riddling itself into my blood, so marriage for me was only a luxury I could dream about, because I would forfeit my life than to have any children on mine carrying on my disease just so I could live and have a normal life like everyone else. Forget marriage, I could not even dare to hope to have a lover but Seon-Ho at this very moment...he always kept his distance from me but he wouldn't stop staring at me either so intensely that god help me I...I wanted to...do things I shouldn't even think about right now. Good god, if I didn't find a way to distance myself from him now then I was going to be in very big trouble soon. But he wasn't going away anytime soon and I had to at least survive tonight without making any more mistakes before I could accumulate my thoughts and think about my next move.
"Are you not going to bed? You should treat your knew wounds as soon as possible..." "I am not going anywhere yet." Please, I am begging you to stop looking at me like that with your innocent curious look, you have no idea what it does to me..."At least come inside properly and stop standing in the cold." "Why would you do that?" "Why can't I do that?" "Yeon!" "What?" "Why would you bite the hand that feeds you just to tend to a bastard like me?" "Why? Is that also against your beloved laws of the land?" "Well...not exactly..." "I thought so. Now be quiet and let me at least get you warm before you face off with your father again." I answered him without looking at him as I went to find the coal in my room, only to have him whirl me around in his hands just to make me face him. The very fact that he was able to move my entire body with a single hand of his was stirring something very deep inside of me that was making me blush to no end. "Always face me when you are talking to me, I do not like it when you have your back trend against me." "I...just want to heat up some charcoal..for you..." "For me?" We were entirely lost in ourselves and I couldn't help but notice how tight his grip was getting onto my arms, and how his fingers were taking every advantage that they could. That was until I saw an arrogant smirk on his face that made me want to strangle him...and surrender myself at the same time. "What are you smiling at, My Lord?" "How deeply you blush every single time I touch you." Dream on! I'm just hot...because of the room." "This room is freezing cold and you have not yet lit a fire." "Because you are still holding onto me quite tightly." "So why are you not even making a single sound?" It was a strange scenario to be in right now, but we were like two children throwing insults at each other whilst we possessed fully grown bodies that seemed to have a mind of its own. I tried to leave several times but he was too strong, and it was only when I had to physically remove his fingers that he seemed to come back to his senses.
"Is your room always this...cold?" "It has been from the moment I moved in." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Because you still have been keeping your distance for a while now?" That silence him for a while as I retired a medical box that I had to buy for myself since I was not allowed to touch anything from the main home. "Does my father know?" "Of course he does." "And he hasn't done anything about it?" "Obviously not, now come here by the fire and heat yourself up."
The fact that I was offering him such a small comfort and he seemed to be complexly uncomfortable with it almost made me want to hold him right there and then, but I still could not deal with the fact that he was looking at me with such intensity that I could barely life my head. "How was your day at work then?" I asked him, and he was silent for even longer this time, but I knew didn't have to look at him to understand how painful his days must be even outside this home. "Do not take anyone's blind and ignorant hatred against you too personally." "What do you mean?" "You could have been born illegitimate into another family and have more chance of success than you do now." "Do you really think so?" "The world hates your father because of his...ambitions and because you are his son, they will always think that you are the same." "What do you think I should do then?" "Take the humiliation as best as you can without uttering so much as a word. Do not even express a single emotion on your face and bid your time. And just when the world thinks that they have torn you down, you show them what they have missed out on if only they were wiling to give you a fair chance." I did not dare to face him still as I prepared tea for him before his father would no doubt start looking for him. "Here go you, drink that was well before you go." "Do you know how to brew tea now like noble women do?" "I can brew and serve tea, I can embroider, I can read and write and I am starting to learn how to draw and paint and..." "My my, you are very talented indeed. But I thought that you didn't want anything to do with my class." "I have nothing else to pass the time with since I have no freedom in this place." "And you do not hate me for it?" "It is not your fault...and yet..." "Wait for me, Yeon."
Those words alone completely aimed straight into my heart without my permission at all, to the point where I finally looked up at him and realised that he had been playing with my hair all along. It felt as if time had stopped for a moment until he sipped the tea in delight. "How much sugar did you put in this?" "Well..." "And how did you know that I craved sugar?" "you should leave now, My Lord, before your father catches us." I whispered as I tried to take the cup from him, but he actually finished the tea in one go and he still had a smile on his face despite that tea still being very hot. "Are you hurt?" "Tell me, how did you know?" "You don't need to know how I know." "Yes I do ." "Please! Go before your father..." "Why are you so panicked? Do you think I have not survive this various tortures on me so far?" "You fool of a man." "Excuse me?" "So just because you are used to...torture, you will run to it headlong?" "Why are you crying?" "Get out, leave me be!" His words about his own torture were offending me so deeply that I was unable to control my tears and I think he knew it. Why else would he smile at me so arrogantly like that again, to the point where he actually cornered me into the wall next to the door and actually wiped my tears onto his hand before he left with his eyes burning into mine,
"You should also learn how to play a musical instrument, then you would become more nobler than any woman of 'the right birth' that I know of." "Which instrument do you recommend?" "There is a lot of them." "And which one...do you like?" "The zither." "Then I shall play that one." "I shall send you a different instrument."
That was the first time that I understood that Seon-Ho did always said one thing but did another when it came to me, and this was't the only time that it would happen. The very next morning when I opened the door I found the zither that had just been distributed all around the market stalls, and it was a very expensive one as well, along with a book on how to play instruments since Nam-Jeon was doing everything he could to hide my existence so I knew I would not have the luxury of being tutored like everyone else. It had been only a few months since I was here and I could not remember smiling so widely as I did now to the point where my cheeks hurt. Nam Jeon had never set foot in these quarters so I knew I could hide this well, and my days seemed to get brighter when out of nowhere, Seon-Ho seemed to be coming home a lot more when his father wasn't around. He never step foot in my room again for a while at least, which was just lingering with memories of him that night, but I did catch him just...staring at me with a small smile on his face and that wasn't all. He had really...really changed around the location of his training area to get a close to my quarters as possible. But it also reminded me very much of the time when he was setting off to war and the hurt I felt when I realised that he was just going to leave me behind here so I hardly left my room at all.
Kapitel 73: Chapter 69: Bogoissda (Watching)
Why did everyone around me constantly misunderstand my relationship with Yeon? Why did everyone relate everything we have done, as it was for each other? I mean yes, I sometimes acted like a brand new person around her that even I could not recognise; selfish, arrogant and entitled, but even I didn't know why I was mean to her at times. Maybe...maybe it was from being silenced, neglected and abused all of the time that I discovered a new side to me that I had never witnessed before. And maybe she was the only one who could understand that, why else did she never fight me back or tell me off.
So I started watching her every chance I got. At first I remember that I convinced myself that it was because it was my duty to look out for her as her brother wasn't here to do it. But as time went by and I was continuously torn into different directions both in my professional and personal life she became a constant light in my dark and gloomy life. And nobody couldn't say that I hadn't tried with all of my might to push her away, I was even be mean to her a few times so she would get the hint but she was just so...resilient and still so happy go lucky despite everything she was going through that I just gave up. I made my way to her quarters as soon as I came home everyday to observe her, where she was either engrossed in a book as there was no other woman in our village who loved to read as much as her, or she was embroidering something that I couldn't identify without coming in closer to her. But as the years passed by her warm personality was not enough anymore. Things got complicated between Hwi, my father, the concubine and myself I suddenly after accidentally talking about my work to her in passing and she completely took me by surprise once again by not only comprehending my work, but actually coming up with intelligent solutions, I found myself wanting more from Yeon...to compensate for the neglect and mistreatment that I had endured my entire life.
I felt so selfish but the more I watched her I couldn't hep but notice how different I felt. I couldn't really describe it but as I had everyone try to tear me down every single day since my father snatched me from my mother Yeon's glowing presence alone made me feel like I was a man for the first time in my life. Despite her bold new changes she was still physically a frail woman in need of protection,...my protection. Originally I had felt bad about isolating her alongside me but recently I had come to appreciate it. In a slightly twisted way; I was the only person she could turn to, to rely on and to talk to. At first I had nobody for years in this place I had to call my home and now I had someone all to myself. She made me smile a lot more than I was used to in my lifetime, she made me laugh as her curiosity about everything grew, she made me feel intelligent as she had endless questions about everything and anything, especially in my world. But honestly, it was her constant trust in me and the fact that I couldn't help but notice that I saw myself in her eyes every time that she smiled that really got to me. I had already long forgotten about Hui-Jee at this point, but when I came home to the only person who genuinely cared for me and wanted to be around me I couldn't help but feel something bloom and rise up to my throat that always instantly curved my mouth into an assured smile that I could also indeed be loved and cared for just like everybody else instead of being torn down due to facts of my life that were out of my control. Legitimate or illegitimate; no child asked to born so why was was illegitimate ones like me were despised just forcing into existence?
And of course as I felt myself grow more into a man...then I did have to admit that on some level...Seo Yeon was most certainly not a little girl anymore. In fact, she was anything but. Whenever she had her days out I would look through her room as much as possible, and I could not deny the girls's growing sophistication or her matured intelligence. She gave herself homework from the books that she had read and she did it rather meticulously for a woman who had never been to school before. Her opinions and ideologies were completely different from those of my father and it actually gave me joy to not only read these essays, but to finally have someone around me that seemed to mostly agree with my opinions. I had actually began to use her ideologies in the palace to make my decisions and I had to admit that I was getting surprising results, in how to deal with both nobility and lowborn alike. And she had made a collection of rather impressive embroideries that could have actually have sold well in the market. She was a well rounded woman and I dare say that any man would be lucky to have her...
And it looked like I wasn't the only one who knew it; it wasn't often that my father brought back guests to our home but rather take them to the gibang where Hui-Jee used to humiliate me more than my father did recently. But as Hwi began getting results from his missions a lot quicker and smoother than my father realised he could, he seemed hell bent on adding to my misery by treating my colleagues to a meal. But strangely enough, all I could think about was keeping the men away from Yeon. I had no idea why that was such a strong concern for me and I tried to convince myself that it was out of brotherly concern...and because there were a few times that she had gotten men's attention in the market where she went once a month and she was completely oblivious to it all. And it had been really bothering me lately, that the once clumsy girl had completely changed to the point where any man who liked her...could take her away from me despite the fact that I was not allowed to be anywhere near myself at all. No matter how she came to loose her memories or how she ended up in my home, she was my only person even if she had no memories of me. She grew up next to me for nearly 2 decades and I did my bit to protect her every single day, even with those damned fits of hers that wrecked her life.
My father did what he usually did to lord himself all over my team and completely embarrassed me as usual, but I was just now starting to tune him out and focus on something else other than the sound of his voice. My father didn't just have me to focus on tonight for once so I at least had the freedom to just focus on Yeon's quarters and hope that I could at least catch a glimpse of her and feel peace wash over me like it did every single time I laid eyes on her. But what I did not expect was one of my colleagues to use the excuse of going to the bathroom to 'explore' our home to probably come up with all of these stories about my family to increase my humiliation. But that asshole totally crossed the line when I caught him lingering outside of Yeon's quarters and trying to take a peek at the only thing I had in this miserable place that gave me oxygen to breathe.
As soon as my father's attention was elsewhere, I got the hell out of there and I got to her quarters before she could even come out. "Did you loose your way?" "Why? What are you hiding here? You know you've been spacing out a lot in the office, so I'm curious as to know what has you holding back on your duties." "What on earth are you talking about?" "You know what I am talking about." "I really don't."
"Young Master? What are you- hello? Who is this?" I tried to block their paths but it was too late, and the look on his face when he saw Yeon was making me hold onto my dagger tip to the point where my fingers were bleeding but I didn't care. I just wanted his lecherous eyes off of her once and for all, and with the mood that I was in tonight, I was on the verge of doing something that I couldn't take back. So I turned my attention onto her for once and I tried to savour this distraction for once. "Cousin, go back inside your room." I had never really called her that before and it felt weird saying it, but now that I had at least a moment to myself for the first time, I could not entirely blame this man for his reaction no matter how much I despised it. She looked...different, so much so that I could barely remember what she looked like for the past 18 years. She looked...pure and flawless...like the woman she was always supposed to be. I even took her by the hand and I walked her inside, which was completely unlike me, and god help me but I could not help myself but to lean in and take a whiff of her hair. This single act alone transported me somewhere mentally that I had never been before, but in that moment I found myself desperate for any excuse to hold onto her like never before, not even with that other woman that I was beginning to forget slowly.
"Wait! Hello? Hey!" "Young Master?" "Just ignore him Yeonnie..." She actually held onto me for a while out of nowhere, but I couldn't fight her back anymore. This was my first time being held by anyone other than my mother, and even though I had been conformed to Confucius rules where the two sexes had to stay as far apart from each other as possible, even if you were courting someone or you were married and I had always implemented these rules with Yeon who I know has been in love with me with such a long time. But the new her was so...rebellious of these rules that I had never seen anything like it. And I was so fascinated with the new version of her that I was beginning to loose my mind and internally I was sinking somewhere really dark...and she was the only person who could pull me out of it. I was beginning to be more sure of it when she was the only one who welcomed me home and made sure that I had everything that I need before I could even open my mouth. And I really did not want anybody else laying their eyes on this one thing I had to myself and that I wanted to keep it that way. If only Hui-Jee treated me like Yeon did...
And from then on when I saw haw far my father was wiling to go to humiliate me and use me instead of trying to at least set me on the right path for myself. I was going to end this farce of his that put my only loved ones at risk...and sooner rather than later, I had to reunite the siblings. Even if it cost me their love or bore their anger down on me...I just knew that they would come back to me eventually. Yeon was different though; for all the peace her presence gave me, she had better not think of straying too far away from me. And it was purely for her own safety.
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