Kapitel 30: OMG HE DID WHAT? PART 4
I crawled to safety and was easily forgiven because everyone had realized how awesome I was. These people would then feed me steroids until I was buff as hell.
That was what I would have said… you get the gist. I had died once more. Apparently, it would have been way too easy for me to just crawl away from these crazy dudes.
Well, the cycle of getting bitchslapped by my fictional copies resumed. Death notifications began to flood my screen.
The System for Dummies, of course, did not let this opportunity go to waste and made helpful comments like…
[GIT GUD, MA GUY]
[GET WRECKED, NEWB]
[GET FUCKED, SCRUB]
[Spoiler: You ded]
That was my life so far, I lost count of how often I had died already. At some point, it was just a question of what stupid thing would end me next.
[Another one... You died, son]
[System congratulates its host for getting the achievement |Dying 100 times| your reward is literally nothing. This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds]
What?
[Congratulations on your 101 death]
I should be surprised, but no, this was something I had come to expect being trapped in this world. Anything and everything would kill you whether you liked it or not.
The System window exploding in my face was barely a 4/10 on the " What was that shit" scale. It lacked some serious punch to it. 10 seconds were too much of a delay.
Being immortal and all kinda makes something like that boring as well. There was no tension in getting your face blown off.
A 10/10 would need a lot more surprise element to it. It needs to catch me off-guard and literally has to come out of nowhere.
Think about me as a dinosaur and the 10/10 the meteor that brought the doomsday. I want that level of "surprise" to truly go WTF. We ain't here to play games; we want the people to be entertained.
"We" meant the system, I just wanted to get outta here.
Never thought I had to make that clarification, yet here we are─ in a world full of floppy wieners and a religion about going commando.
Trying to make sense of anything was as hopeless as me living more than a minute while wearing clothes.
If only there was a way for me to drive the story forward and experience more different things. Like most people would find it boring. "Oh, he died again, who could have seen that coming?"
Their imaginary friend would then reply.
"How lame. Now let us go back to more exciting things. Let us watch anime breasts bounce up and down while thinking about nothing at all"
Mesmerized by the image in my mind, I died two times more. Who cared though, cuz there was "Plot" in front of my inner eyes.
They went up and down, up and down, and down and up. At this moment I was the happiest I ever had been in my life.
Which lasted for about 5 seconds before I was rudely interrupted by a wiener dangling dangerously close to my face. This was divine punishment for trying to give my readers any bit of fanservice.
Now, it went back to the good ol' dick bit.
This one was a bit different, not in size, proportions or anything, of that matter. No, that dick was defending me.
He had blocked the kick from another religious nutjob screaming about the God of Floppy Wieners or something. My hero looked at me with a smile on his face and I died again.
Yup, another dirt projectile made my head into jello.
So long saviour, may your dangling bits protect me in the future again. Back to the beginning.
The beginning, this time looked very promising, I managed to get rid of all my clothing without coming even close to any lunatic out to get me.
Which was also kind of a problem, cuz there was literally no one in sight. Nothing except grass could be found and I could not exactly ask the grass to forgive me.
I mean I could, but it ain't gonna reply to me.
"Dear Mr Grass, I hope you can forgive me for stepping on you."
"No problem, it happens quite often. Thank you for apologizing though, it's really appreciated" said the grass to me. Yup, I should have seen that one coming.
[Fam, I hope you like this new feat. I thought really long and hard about that one.]
Yup, I admit my defeat. Talking grass, why did I not think about that sooner?
And I dared to call myself an author… I was nothing more than a child in front of the genius that was the System for Dummies.
"Oh wise Grass, could you tell me where I can find civilisation. People that do not kill me for my clothing would also be enough."
I had no idea why I asked the grass where I needed to go. At this point, all I could do was ask the next best thing.
"Oh, children of cloth. Wander to the far north and you will see a world of Peace. A world where people wear clothes; a world full of wonders"
The grasses booming voice echoed through the vast fields of green as it told me of the distant, promised land. It might be a journey full of danger, nonetheless, it did exist.
"Thank you, Mr Grass. I must say my goodbyes. We might never see each other again, though you will always remain in my heart."
I kowtowed to the grass three times and shed a tear of gratitude. This act of kindness was something I thought would never exist here, in the land of madness unending.
" Knew this though, be wary of those that speak in tongues.]
[Huh? The hell was that supposed to mean? That philosophical stuff ain't here in the Script, I swear]
Do I look like I a got a clue? Maybe it was just something grass says when it wanted to sound smart? It might just tell me to be careful in fancy words no one really understands.
There were some strange people out there using big words to confuse people like us. You know, those special people that call a meal " a scrumptious feast to cover their daily nutritional need".
Why they try to make their food fuckable by words was not something I would ever like to know.
But none of that mattered now, I waved at the helpful patch of grass. Mr Grass, I would remember you for at least 5 minutes, before the next strange thing would make me forget about you.
Because you would never be relevant to the plot ever again. You were just an invention by a system. Nothing more than a stupid joke, written in the spur of the moment…
The cycle of creation writing… Oh, look there comes the next plot…
Got ya, it would take a little bit of time without any time-skips.
[10 minutes later]
You think a notification like that would speed up time?
[10 minutes later….]
Oh GOD, What was that???????
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
-- Power-
Rangliste 
-- Power-
Stein