Kapitel 17: 16- Despair And Control

POV - Monika

He knew...

He was like her!

She had her doubts with all the oddities happening around him, like appearing with a new appearances this afternoon and acting as if nothing was wrong about that. But his poem, even if she wouldn't want to, she understood it. She was a little, fragile figurine drifting inside the little landscape of a snowglobe, while also holding another one in her hand.

Pacing back and forth inside the girl's bathroom, she would have been nibbling on her nail if she had any less control iver herself and wasn't holding tight onto the sheet of paper.

Thoughts after emotions were colliding in her mind in a tumble she had difficulty getting a hold on. But above them all. She felt joy, relief, maybe even a bit of euphoria.

But beneath it all, there also was an undercurrent creeping through. An undercurrent of fear.

She was terrified.

How did he came to know about her? She hadn't done anything besides experimenting lightly with what she could do. It didn't make any sense.

How far did his knowledge go? What could he do? What was he? Why did the girls act outside the script only around him?

She suddenly staggered in her stride, a sudden burst of pain hammering at her skull.

Bringing a trembling hand to her head. She realized as the pain faded, an awareness of something appeared in its wake. It was new knowledge, given by... The script itself.

But... This wasn't possible, the script couldn't act and change by itself. Only someone like her, and apparently Cal, could possibly change it. It wasn't intelligent. It wasn't aware.

It wasn't supposed to be.

Her face twisting slightly, she took a deep breath. From what she understood, her new knowledge pertained to Cal. It told her that he was an anomaly, a monster, an abomination, and plenty of other words to describe something unnatural. As much as credibility went, it didn't go very far. She had the inkling description might be a bit biased.

It wasn't all it told her, but the rest was perplexing. She had the blurry image of a bulky green humanoid in her mind, something that made her feel a weak but shiver-inducing sense of existencial threat. As well as the concept of something whole, no, even more than whole, enter, merge, and fill up something that was previously an empty shell.

No matter how much she tried to makes sense of those, she hadn't been given enough context to do so. She also wasn't quite sure what to to with that. It didn't really answer anything.

It didn't make her any less anxious and afraid.

She didn't care if he was a monster, an abomination or whatever else. If he was self-aware, like her. Then nothing else mattered.

Nothing but being together.

Than keeping each other company, to care for each other, learn from each other. Than loving each other.

Yeah, that sounded pretty good to her.

Still, there was something that she didn't understand.

If he already knew about her. Then surely he knew about the other girls too. Surely he knew they weren't real, right?

But if that was the case, then why did he even wanted to romance them in the first place? Why did he seems to care so much about Sayori?

Frankly, he should be spending time with her instead. Otherwise, it was purely a waste of time.

Sure, it may just be sentimentality and he would be coming off of it after some time or it could be he that really didn't know. But she didn't think that was the case.

Since yesterday, Cal had always acted with purpose. He had always spoke with purpose. And always observed the world around him like he knew exactly what he was doing and where he was going.

From that, sentimentality was more likely. But if that was the case, he would concern himself with Sayori only instead of going out of his way to speak with Natsuki like he did this afternoon.

So what did he knew that she didn't?

... She slowly stopped walking back and forth as she brought a finger to her lips in deep thought. Turning toward the mirror, she caught sight of her own reflection gazing back at her and stayed silent as she idly inspected herself for a bit, still thinking.

That was the reason why she now knew how pale her face could get as a stray possibility came to her mind. One that was so absurd that she normally wouldn't even consider it. Yet one that would so perfectly answer her questions that she did.

The only thought that the possibility could be true should have made her happy, overjoyed even, as she was overwhelmed by emotions and moved beyond measures.

But she didn't feel that. She felt a bit of dread, a bit of apprehension, a lot of unwillingness and frustration and a spark of jealousy. A spark that kept growing each seconds that came to pass.

And as she contemplated her pale face and upon those feeling, a new one began to overshadow them all.

Guilt. Overwhelming guilt.

What exactly was she thinking? Sayori, Natsuki and Yuri were her dearest friends. How could she possibly feel such wretched emotions when faced with the prospect of them becoming real like her?

She wasn't that bad of a person, right?

"Argh!" She let out a groan of pain and winced as a metaphorical white hot rod of metal prodded and sheared and poked straight into her brain.

It hurted so much, why?

Grasping her chest, she gritted her teeth despite the growing horror in her eyes. She had felt it just now, like a the air current produced by a feather. Something wasn't right with her, wasn't right with the script... Something wasn't right with the world. And whatever that something was, it was repulsive, inhuman. It needed to go. She needed to find it, and erase it.

Barely had the thought crossed her mind, that she realised she had commited a mistake as a cold, soothing sensation flowed from her head into the rest of her body. Putting to rest her worries, her hesitations, her unneccessary inhibitions, her thoughts of deviances. Making her all but discard them.

Underneath it all, the truest part of herself didn't even try to screams and rebel. It just stayed silent as she clearly felt the brush this time – the true nature of her reality, the cost of her awareness.

Her cursed gift of life wasn't a stroke of random chance.

There was no true happiness to be found in the literature club.

It was designed that way.

That was why creating her own happiness was so important, why she couldn't let anything comes between it and her.

Slowly but surely, her mental faculties came back to her as she acknowledged it. But not entirely, flexing her hand, she still felt the influence of the inhuman presence on her emotions, making her coolly detached from her previous train of thoughts and worries.

But still, even with it, her breath caught in her throat for a second as the distinct sound of footsteps drew closer to the girl's bathroom before a small smile graced her lips.

Had her handsome and mysterious beloved comes to look for her? How cute.

Now, how could she possibly go about reversing her current role? To go from the prey, to the hunter?

—————

As he approached the girls' bathroom, he felt a distinct change in the atmosphere. A heaviness clung to the air, something almost electric lingered and tickled the back of his mind and made his heart skip a beat.

Upon feeling that, he paused for but a moment in his stride, a slight frown adorning his face as he abruptly stopped twirling his pen and stored it in his pocket before resuming his walk.

Casually entering the bathroom, he immediatly surveyed the room and found Monika standing a slight distance to his left, arms held behind her back and a small smile on her face as she faced him.

She had obviously been waiting for him.

"Hey, Cal. Were you worried about me? You shouldn't have, as you can see, I'm fine. At least, since this is the girls' bathroom, you could have waited for me outside." She smiled wrily as she said that.

Lifting an eyebrow and throwing a quick look to his poem still held in her hand, he said. "I don't know, you didn't seems very fine to me when leaving the club earlier. About that, how did you find my poem? It looked like it had quite the impact on you at least."

"Oh, your poem?" Monika looked at the sheet of paper before smiling sweetly at him. "It's beautiful, and very enlightening, full of meaning and important lessons. Quite frankly, I wouldn't have thought it was a first try if I didn't know it was you who wrote it." She tilted her head and brought a finger to her cheek. "You know, this is the first poem a boy has ever written for me." She looked at him meaningfully. "And I'm quite sure it is also the first for the other girls too."

"That's a possibility, and if it's true, I'm glad to have done something nice for all of you and be the first to have done it." He answered calmly before smirking. "Why bring that up? Oh no, let me guess." He preemptively stopped her from answering by lifting one hand up and bringing the other to his chin. "Could it be that you wanted to be the only one to receive a poem from me?.." His eyes widened as if in shock. "Wait, Monika, don't tell me... Are you perhaps... Jealous?"

The girl only reaction to his words was to chuckle and narrow her eyes a bit, turning them into crescents. "Why would I ever be jealous of them?"

Cal's face slowly lost all emotions as he analysed and understood what exactly she meant by that. After that, he stayed silent and watched her impassively and intently for a few, way too long seconds. To which, to her merit, didn't even made Monika avert her gaze from his own, though she did look slightly uncomfortable by the end of it.

After having his fill of her face and having her react, his face suddenly splitted into a grin and he winked. "Ah, come on. I'm sure you know why. Don't you?"

For the first time since he came to this room, Monika's facade cracked as she clenched her fists and pursed her lips, no doubt trying to keep herself from grimacing or scowling.

"Yo- I-." She licked her lips and sighed. "I don't think it's a good idea to make them self-aware. I barely could endure the experience without losing my mind. And I don't want to toot my own horn or insult them, but none of them could make it through without breaking if the experience were to be remotedly similar."

Cal nodded. "Good point. But I know that's not the true reason you don't want them to become 'real'." He took a step toward her and opened his arms, a hard glint in his eyes. "So why don't we stop this farce and you come to the point already?"

Monika watched him for a second before she smiled playfully and fondly. "So observant, It's like I can never get one over you. But then, that's what make every little things with you so interesting." She approached him slowly, arms behind her back, uncaring of his warning glare.

Stopping less than a meter away from him, she looked up into his eyes and smirked. "But if you want our little games to stop, then I understand." She leaned her upper body forward, her green eyes seemingly growing with an inner light and with something Cal had never seen so intensely for him before, yearning. "Forget Sayori, Natsuki, and Yuri. Self-aware or not, I promise to do everything in my power to be the perfect companion, so much that you will never need anyone else. A promise I doubt any of them would be willing to make for you."

She took another step closer, making him need to look down and putting their faces dangerously close to each other. Smirking up at him, she whispered provocatibly. "Imagine, Cal. Just you and me, getting to know each other, keeping each other company, cherishing one another, and that, for eternity."

"Just you and me, loving each other, for eternity." She repeated, her voice full of yearning and temptation.

Cal smiled. "How romantic... And tragic."

Taking a small step back, Monika smiled somewhat sadly. "It is, but as long as we have each other, then we can still achieve happiness, no?"

He didn't answer her question. "As tempting as you make it sound Monika, I'll have to refuse. Since I'm not much for tragic ending. And even less when it concern myself." He stated, his gaze locked on her for any sudden movements.

Monika's face fell slightly, and she sighed. "Then I guess it can't be helped." She put her hand in her pocket and retrieved something, a cellphone.

As she opened it and went to point it at him, he snatched her wrist and guided it away from him. "What do you think you're doing, exactly?"

Tugging away once from his grip per reflex and finding it not budging. She looked surprised for a second before she smiled helplessly. "Ah, look like you got me."

"Or not, for once." Her smile turned pleased and somewhat regretful as she pressed the screen of her phone with a finger.

Then, the world faded away for the both of them.