Kapitel 192: All the things I should have said

Jos shot a nervous look from Arei to Shelly. When the wolf began to get down from the sofa, Jos shook her head fervently 'no'. "Wait, don't go!"

Shelly paused as she studied first Jos then Arei. The hulking man seemed more nervous than Jos. As much as it pained her to admit, Andy had been right. This giant of a man was right for Jos in so many ways that her brother would never be. Shelly snatched the open bag of chips from the side table and headed toward the back bedroom. The sound of the door closing echoed down the hall.

"Gah..." Jos growled as she heard the door close. Her angry gaze followed Arei as he walked over and sat where Andy had been. Jos held out a hand as he began to speak. "NO. I've heard enough tonight. I need time to process."

He let out a long sigh. "I understand and I promise I'll make this quick... just let me say all the things I should have said if not all those years ago then at least when I had the chance in Tampa."

Raw emotions tore at Jos's chest as she shook her head. "No, I can't listen to it right now. It's not like I could believe anything you had to say at this point anyways."

Arei nodded. "Fair enough, but at least let me explain why I lied in the first place."

Jos shook her head with more vigor. "There is no point. There is nothing left to be said."

Arei dropped to his knees in front of her. He cupped both her hands in his. "Then at least let me apologize for all the pain I've caused you." He tried to meet her gaze put she turned away from him, pulling her hands free of his embrace.

"NO!" She cried out. "Just go to your room and leave me in peace."

"Jos, please just give me a second of your time-" When she turned farther away from him and whimpered slightly as she bit into her bottom lip, he gripped her jaw and gently turned her to face him. "I love you. Everything that I've done, I've done because I love you. I couldn't be there for you then, but I can now... let me be now."

Her teary eyes held his as she shook her head against his grip. "I'm not ready to forgive you yet... I can't."

Arei sighed. "I'm not asking you to forgive me. I can't take back the things I've done, the pain and issues I've caused you. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I'm simply asking you to listen to what I have to say and allow me to help you as much as I can now." He waited for her to protest, but when she didn't this time he continued. "Jos, I still can't tell you everything, but you have to know, Zeus cannot be trusted. It's very possible he will try to broker a deal with you once the trials begin. You must know, there is rarely ever gain in making deals with him. He will always have his own agenda, and I can promise they will be dark ones. There is always a price to be paid and more likely than not, people you love will get hurt-"

Jos pressed her four fingers to his lips. She choked back a sob as she answered. "I already know about your deal with Zeus for my freedom... and I thank you. It wasn't bad at all. Raven was my guard, and we grew into great friends." She let her hands fall away from his lips. "Andy told me all about it earlier..."

Arei released a sigh of relief. "Then you must know, I keep the secret and abided by his terms still, not because of any punishment I fear directed at me but at you if I were to tell and be caught." He gathered her hands in his. "What else did she tell you?"

A pained sob escaped Jos's tightly sealed lips. "About the night I lost my memories." She blurted. "All the words we exchanged that night in the hallway before Zeus rendered us unconscious." She shook her head. "I just don't understand... Why did you not lose any of your memories?"

Arei shrugged. "That was part of Zeus's plan of torture. He didn't want me to forget a single snippet of the things I'd lost... the things he'd taken away." He moved his hand up slowly and stroked her cheek. "I was forced to live every second of the past 520 years knowing you would never remember what we had, and I'd very likely never get it back."

Jos shook her head. "No, there's where you are wrong. If you would have come to me 20 years ago when you were released, things could have been different. Had you told me a fraction of the truth in Tampa instead of concocting countless lies and half-truths, things might have been different... But you didn't Arei, you still sit here before me on your knees unwilling to give me the full truth only your version of limited details." She pushed his hand away from her face. "I'm not ready to forgive you yet... for the past or present, and frankly I'm not sure I ever will."

"Because of the kid? You care that deeply for him?" Arei asked, dreading the answer to come.

Jos nodded, "That and because that's what love is. It's staying by someone's side no matter what. Andy may be right, it may not be true love between he and I, but you know what it is? Unconditional... I will not turn my back on him simply because someone tells me to or because it's easier for me. I will stick by him and Shelly in whatever capacity they need me until the day they die. If that eventually becomes as a friend or a caregiver then so be it, but I will be there for them."

Arei nodded. "I respect that about you. Your level of love and dedication has always amazed me, and I'm surprised in only the best of ways that instead of being snuffed out by the pain I caused you, it has grown stronger." He held her gaze. "But I also have to agree with Andy. It's not love he has for you. Not in the way you feel you must have for him. I can almost guarantee it is the curse."

Jos squeezed her eyes tightly shut as she fought against the tears that built painfully behind her lids. There were no words for the pain caused by hearing her greatest fears voiced. Her lips trembled as she whispered. "Do you honestly think that hasn't occurred to me?"

Arei's eyes widened and he pulled her against him in a tight hug. "Then why do you keep putting yourself through this torture?"

She wrapped her arms around his thick neck as her sobs came out in painful waves. "Cause I deserve it." She buried her face in the bend of his neck. "Whatever heartaches... whatever nasty words he can dish out... I deserve it!"

Arei stroked her back in long soothing strokes. "Shhh... Why would you say that? You don't deserve to be treated like that by anyone, especially someone who claims to care for you."

She nodded against his neck. "Yes, I do! I'm a horrible person... I constantly do horrible things that hurt the people around me! Look at this most recent disaster! Shelly has been raped and tortured by a pack of vampire trash, Raven and Isha are on house arrest in their own palace, Russ is in no better shape as he has to deal with a psycho uncle..." She choked back another sob. "I'm to blame, I'm the common denominator."

Arei held her away from him. "No, Isha and Raven made their own choice to help you. Your curse has no effect on them. What happened to Shelly was horrific, but there was little you could have done to change that outcome either. As for Russ, he would have ended up in his uncles clutches eventually anyways... without anything you could have done." He searched her eyes. "You have to stop blaming yourself for everything that has happened to others."

More tears ran down her cheeks as she stared into his troubled eyes. "Should I also not be to blame for the hells you've endured for me?"

Arei shook his head. "No, you shouldn't, I alone hold that blame. It was a test of Zeus and I failed, just as I'm failing you now. Based off some of the things you've called me out for lying about, I know your memories were only affected beginning around the time we went to my father's palace. I hate that those were the memories taken..." He ran his hand through his hair as he debated whether to finish.

"But?" Jos asked in frustration.

He let out a heavy sigh. "But I don't know how I would face you now, if you had them back." He held her gaze. "I love you now. I want you now. I NEED you now, but it is easier for me to hold back and watch as you're with someone else with the knowledge that you chose him not knowing what we had." He dropped his head to her knees as he huffed out the rest in a whisper, embarrassed at his own admittance. "I don't think my heart could make it through knowing you still chose someone like him after knowing what we had."

Jos could feel the wet droplets the giant man was trying to hide from her. She placed one hand on either side of his face and lifted his eyes to meet hers. "Then tell me, Arei. Tell me what we had, and don't lie to me this time through omission or otherwise."

He shook his head. "I don't know how to explain what we had, Jos. Meeting you was both the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I knew from the second I met the aqua eyes of what looked to be an orphaned child in the middle of a crowded bar, that my life would never be the same." He took her hands in his. "Had you appeared to me in the same form you are in now, I wouldn't have been able to force myself away from you that night or any night thereafter."

Jos frowned. "Then, is that not also a sign that you were-are affected by the curse?"

"Jos, I've proven to you before, the curse doesn't affect me. Try it now if you must, but even your siren's song doesn't faze me unless I allow it to. You are a creature of the sea just as I am." Arei argued.

Jos narrowed her eyes. She cleared her throat and closed her eyes as she began to sing.

"Ah ah ha, ah ah ha. Come now come, all ye worthy travelers with ye heart of gold.

Ah ah ha. Come now come ye worthy travelers, sip thee nectars, taste thee fruit.

Ah ah ha. Come now come ye worthy ones. Rest thee head and leave in the morn.

Ah ah ha, ah ah ha. Come now come. All ye liars, cheaters, and scum.

Ah ah ha. Come now come follow me down. Rest in my bed.

Ah ah ha. Come now come All ye Swindlers, criminals and thugs. Full fill thee lust and cum now with thee thrust.

Ah ah ha, ha ha ha. Come now come. Come now you must. Enjoy thee night, forget of the past because it will be your last..."

"Beautiful, you really do have an amazing singing voice. It's a joy to hear, truly... but it doesn't work on me." Arei stated holding her glowing cyan eyes with his own steady gaze. "Now can we be done with at least this part of your distrust in me?"

Jos nodded in shocked, surprise. If her memories were to be trusted, the last time she used the hushed lull of the song he'd reacted. Though he'd been able to break its pull just as quickly, it had worked somewhat. Her brows tented as she continued studying the hulking man knelt at her feet. {This is all him...} She shook her head trying to knock loose the thoughts forming there. "It doesn't change anything-"

"Does it not? You really believe this has no significance?" Arei sent her a doubtful look. "Which one of us is being dishonest this time?" He caught her face as she moved to turn away from him. He pushed upwards but froze his movements mere millimeters from her lips. "I promised I wouldn't kiss you again, but know, I want too so badly right now." His eyes bugged as she closed the distance, pressing her lips to his and wrapping her arms tightly around his neck. All logic and reason went out the window as he stood scooping her up and bringing her up with him. He held the back of her head tightly with one massive hand as the other cupped her bottom preventing her from moving. He turned and sat on the sofa where she had been, being mindful not to hurt her legs as he sat. He deepened their kiss as he tangled his hand in her long hair.

She whimpered and pulled back from his lips as she felt the press of his growing erection between her legs that now straddled his lap. She buried her face in the bend of his neck in shame and embarrassment. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that..."

Arei stroked her back in long soothing strokes. "I'm not." He placed a kiss to the top of her head, a light chuckle vibrating his chest. "There was a time I was constantly having to stop our relationship from moving forward, now it seems quite the opposite."

Jos rested her head on his shoulder, far enough away from his neck to study his gaze. "I remember some of that. I really wanted you then."

"And now?" He asked as softly as his masculine voice would allow.

She gave up the pretense, there was no point now. "I continue to ask for your honesty, I suppose it's only fair if I give you mine." She ran her fingers along the V of the button-down shirt he wore keeping her eyes focused on the movement of her fingers. "It's true, I'm still struggling with the extent of my feelings for you. I've said as much before." She moved her focus back to his stormy eyes. "I can't be sure of my feelings until I know them all myself. I couldn't say if I feel the same as I did back then, because I don't know. I understand now, after talking to Andy, that a large part of the grudge I hold against you was no fault of your own. I apologize for that, and I'm working toward resolving those feelings... but it's hard if you are not willing to be honest with me."

Arei frowned. "I understand, but you have to also understand... it's hard for me to talk about those things, to pull up those emotions. Jos, the very things you are asking me to speak freely about are the same things that was used against me as a form of torture for the past 520 years! I couldn't come find you 20 years ago because I wasn't entirely free then. My punishments were drawn out much longer and would still be going strong now had I not gotten Father and the council involved. My punishments were basically moved from Zeus's control to the councils, who are still directed by the gods. The only difference is some of those gods dislike Zeus and his bullshit, so they voted in my favor. The vampire job was supposed to be my last, but it was botched and, I was discovered as you already know. With any luck, if worst comes to worst, I can talk them into assigning this next job with you or Shelly and have that job be the last with them." He cupped the back of her head and brought her closer, resting his forehead against hers. "Ask me anything and I'll give you the answers you want, but please don't make me relive every detail of our past. It's too painful."