Kapitel 43: A (now) stranger with all my secrets tells me what to believe.
"Why?"
"I'm sorry."
"I'm not asking for your sorries or excuses. I'm asking why. You can give me that much...just....why?"
She softened on the last part, deflating. Going from a fierce tigress into something like a hurt but prideful kitten.
It's not a lie to say he didn't still care for her, especially when the small girl in front of him looked so....defeated. Didn't still feel the urge the comfort those fears and worries away in a tight embrace. Something she's always done for him so freely.
That's not his place anymore. He did this. He knows he did this.
"I'm sorry."
"God damn it Ryota! Sorry doesn't mean fucking shit and I'm sick of hearing!"
"I..."
"Don't you dare fucking say it. Not when you don't know what that word means." the little woman hissed.
"I still love you too."
She truly looked like a beaten kitten but was too stubborn to back down. The only problem was that there was nothing left to defend here, to keep.
"....but not enough."
"That's...that's not what it's about." he tries again.
Actually really tries, as if it mattered.
Sophie leaned back against the rough bark, watching the soap opera that was her life playing out in front of her. She recognized the scene, as disoriented as she was. Recognized the same pattern as before.
Her younger self, or was it older...she was standing before her, shaking like a leaf yet refusing to cry. Not in front of this once beloved person. She had cried more than enough the days and night before. She will continue to shed many tears, with or without this man.
Ryota Kazehaya was just another thing the wind blew by her. His identity a complicated knot in her chest.
But he was only one thing blown in from the storm. There were other things to deal with than a man. Even if it was an oddly loveable one. One that sucked at communication so much they went around in constant circles till their break up. Till he shattered her trust.
All for another woman.
See, Sophie didn't need to go through the standard life formula. She got a condensed version on the island! Meet a guy, fall in feelings. Fight a bit flirt a bit more. Try to build a life together, then wait till it all falls apart, wait till he cheats.
Sophie's story wasn't anything original. Not in this regard.
Millions of men and women across time have seen this sort of scene themselves, standing right there in the final moments of a relationship. Billions more tune in to watch. Today Sophie was just another viewer, there wasn't any remote to these dreams.
At least she was dreaming again, and conscious of the fact.
Not Sophie's first choice of scenery but hey, she doesn't know how to work this thing yet. Whatever this is. Her eyes scan the world around her.
Stark, wild but green, so very green. It was most certainly the island jungles alright and that most certainly was Ryo's unshaven but still handsome face. How frustrating. She had warned her siblings to not fall so easily for pretty faces but could she really talk?
It's something that all people had to go through if they lived long enough, fucking up. She thought she had fucked up with Ryo. For a very long time, she blamed herself.
The girl in front of her right now was blaming herself, tears ready to burst again once the man left, and left for good.
Sophie looks this time. Observes every how every reaction, emotions, run across Ryo's usually stoic face whereas her past self had curled in upon herself, eyes shut tight. So many new things, little details she had missed at the moment when it was happening. There was so much pent up rage, so much sadness, and the edges of her now constant numbness to everything.
Sophie can watch this just fine, as if it were another television show, one in millions.
She can't say she doesn't feel anything. Watching these two actors from the sidelines, with fresh eyes, so aged and tired, she can't say she doesn't feel anything for them at all.
"Too....it's always 'too'. I love you too'....I should have known from your phrasing. Silly me right?" forces the girl, as if she were choking on a sharp bone.
"Sophie...." he was bad at talking, always was.
He wants to explain, wants to articulate what they've been doing wrong. Wants a lot of things really, but what is there the explain when actions speak louder than words? He couldn't refute that. It was more than just that, more complicated than that.
Wasn't that problem with people? Always making things more complicated? He hated people like that, and look what he's become.
It was human though and Sophie is long over it. Long accepted that it's impossible to get through life with others without hurt. That's just what people do, all of them. She wasn't faultless either, in the trainwreck that was their relationship.
She could see it now.
Just how much he was spilling from himself, making himself terribly vulnerable with just his eyes, his hands. Something he just doesn't do. She sees how they reach and hover over the girl's small frame, awkward and shaking but never touching. He looked wrecked, something she had never seen before. Wrecked and fighting with himself, despair and warmth all intermingled.
It is not pity she feels for him, far from it. He lied to her, stole from her, all for another woman. That much is true, absolute fact. Who could forgive that?
Sophie just.... never saw this side of Ryo before. A part of her laughs ugly, finding the whole thing oddly amusing. An even more disturbing part of her, a part she wasn't sure really existed anymore, is touched. It's too late anyway, too late for her.
They say the one who loves more is the loser, and Sophie lost big time then. So it was satisfying, unhealthily vindicating to see him suffer even a bit more. In the same terribly frustrating way she did in her old heartbreak.
"I get it! I really fucking do and it's alright. I mean I'm not alright, but fuck I will be."
"Sophie you don't, you don't get it."
"Maybe I don't want to get it then? Not if it has to do with you, with her."
"....you're being stubborn again."
"Ahahaha fuck. Turning it on me again?"
"Sophie why can't you just... I'm trying to explain, to answer you!"
"Tell me then... why?
"....I..."
"But you can't can you? ....Why did I bother? You can't even give me a little answer...because you're just this broken tool."
The first strike, Sophie can see the spiteful clawing her other self was doing, was relieving herself of. Could see the absolute hurt slash deeper into the older man that her younger self couldn't. She could see it and she couldn't stop it. It was only a dream, and in your worst dreams, you see all your regrets piled up.
"You're this broken tool of a boy that never fucking grew up or ever had to do anything for himself. It all came so easily for you, but you're nothing without others lifting you up. Whether that's me or those 'mentors' and stupid cheerleaders you detest so much. This is why your parents can't stand you, not really. You're too abnormal. Outside your 'skills' what good are you? You can't speak up, you can't process things right. You....can never do anything right. You're only playing the part of a person with some fancy pieces and parts but in reality, you're so damn hollow."
Each word she hissed out was another slash, another wound. The only problem was that it wasn't only Ryo who was bleeding, crumbling, from them.
More regrets, so many regrets. Sophie never should have dragged and torn him out like that. Should have never used his deepest insecurities and traumas against him in her hurt, ones that he had trusted her with. This would not be the last time she sees him, would speak to him, but the damage was done.
The broken boy changed then, his despair hardening, his heart cooling. Her other self looked up at the wrong moment, far too late, but it wouldn't have mattered. She was too hurt then, too angry to see properly.
That's another thing about people in pain. Often times their first reaction is to defend themselves, other times it's to hurt and fight back. Give as good as they got.
They did both.
"You're right...you will be fine Sophie. Aubrey won't, June won't, hell most of the world won't- but you? You will be just fine. That's why you don't need me. I don't think you need anyone?" he bites out, the blunt ice to her raging fire.
It hurts, they're both hurting and the only thing they'll keep doing as long as they're together is to keep hurting one another. They each know too much, hold too much of the other's softest most broken parts. That's the danger about caring about someone, you give them that power over you.
"You think you're so smart Ryota?"
"I know I am, don't be so irrational Sophie. It's unbecoming."
"Fuck you Kazehaya."
"And vulgar. But other men like that about you don't they? The contrast. They know even from afar and that's why they keep looking."
"Fuck you and fuck Aubrey."
Heavy breathing made the open space tight, made the air heavy and tense. If they could see themselves in this moment, they would be ashamed of their behavior. If Sophie had looked up at this time she could have caught the uncomfortable distress, the regret on Ryota's face. But she doesn't and he continues, his voice as cold as the dead.
"She's not like you Sophie. Good girls like that can't survive on their own. She'd die or worse without me."
"I never asked her to die."
"You're crueler than you think."
"That's rich coming from a psychopath."
"...you have the capacity for so much more than you want to believe. You have it because behind your controlling persona you call caring, you're just as empty."
"Fuck you to hell! I'm not the manipulative control freak with no emotions."
"Just as fake and broken. You've just done a better job playing human than I have. Does your June know? Did Matthew? Were they scared? Or have you strung them along with the play as well? "
"I know exactly what you're doing and I'm not falling for it, for any of your textbook tricks."
"You know because you're the same, just another version. It's no trick. Is there even anything in there?"
"Fuck you, you cheating bastard!"
"Aubrey? Don't be so crazily jealous just because she's everything you're not, incapable of being. It's unproductive and unbecoming. But I suppose, what else can a sociopath like you do?"
"You're heartless. Cold. A puppet ready to use and be used. Have fun being blondie's next toy to be thrown away!"
"I really do feel bad for June. Just another nice girl that can't escape. The scariest person to be besides aren't the kings outside but her own sister? Does she know? How many men you've killed?"
"Does princess Aubrey know how many you've murdered? Or how? Would she run away screaming? Or are you her little dog, exterminating pests and playing fetch on command? You wouldn't know anything about family, so I suggest you not speak about things you're not qualified on. Not your department, right?"
"Not my specialty indeed, but I have many others. I'm still actually useful. "
"You will be used then. She doesn't love you"
Not like I do, but her younger self won't say that. Won't give any more of herself to this emotional drain.
"You're smart enough to know that Ryo dear. You will be used and tossed away, unknown and unloved. Never to be understood."
Back and forth.
This was them caring, destroying each other and still caring. Hot and cold, the thin line between love crossing into something much uglier, filled with dark vicious contempt. That was the problem, such hatred was still emotions. Something they both had difficulty in. It was proof they still cared about each other.
It took Sophie an even longer time in therapy to admit that.
After it all, after years of resentment and years after Ryo died, she still cared. It was a lot to unpack, a lot to learn. That you can love someone without being in love with them. That even if you distance yourself, remove yourself, that doesn't mean you stop caring.
They were awful together, yet they understood each other despite it all. That's more than anyone else in their lives, living or dead. That's how they could keep attacking, hurting each other so well. They both still cared too much but were too aching to see that.
Idiots.
Sophie is beginning to think these dreams can be controlled, at least by the outside environment. Ryo and the sudden appearance of the spoiled rich girl. It's because she just saw her in the medical tent that day, both of them, together.
That must be what shaped this setting. Decided on what, or when, she would dream.
She saw Aubrey again, she saw the living breathing ghost of a woman she once resented and unfairly compared herself to for years. There were far more important things to be doing than ruminating over and over again why she wasn't good enough. Still, the thought persisted, their explosive break up left its scar.
Sophie would get far worse ones later on. She would live through torture far worse than a petty breakup. That didn't mean it was insignificant though, that it didn't cut her deep down to a place she could still bring herself to feel.
Watching this dream, this memory, play out was just a confirmation. Something her therapist had been trying to tell her for years.
You still care.
You are still capable of caring.
This was enough, Sophie didn't need to see anymore. She didn't need to see two idiots tear each other apart because they were young, desperate and in pain. Even if one of those fools was herself. She's learned her lesson, really. She doesn't need Dr. Sadeep here to tell her how she was toxic to not only her ex but herself.
Just like in the past, just like the female lead in this common drama was about to do, Sophie is the one to look away first. If she didn't do it then, they would have never left each other. They would have never let go.
So Sophie looked away, and she left.
There were things to do, a different world to wake up to. She needed to wake up, but first, she needed to test something out.
She needed to bring something out of this flashback of a dream and into actual reality.
It was more practicality and common reasoning than anything sentimental, that her feet took her to a well-constructed hut of bamboo and grass. She does not linger as she does in previous dreams. No nostalgic glances, no soaking of the memories. This was still to recent, too raw, to reminisce over. Anything to do with the island was too much.
Sophie goes straight to where she knew Ryo kept his things. Before this dream version of him could come and take everything away, including himself. The space is clean and meticulously organized, especially for a dwelling built by amateurs. But that was Ryo alright, just as she remembered.
What to do? What to pick? She only has one chance if previous experience is anything to go by.
Medical supplies? Converted electronic devices? Gathered food rations? Something already constructed? Ryo's things were all around the room as if he lived there. Which at the time he did. It's not like he had his luggage all conveniently packed into one thing. She only has once touch.
Sophie sighs, still able to hear the wretched arguing of two people who seemed to always keep calm. They brought out the worst in each other and echoes of Ryo's words still made the back of her head hurt.
"Who do you have left but me? Who else can you trust? Don't say your family because that's not true. The only family you could ever lean on is decomposing in the ground."
He had taunted with a still voice, knowing just how much it made her bleed. How much the rage and loss of Mattie had taken its toll on her.
"You have no one. You are no one." he continues, twisting the knife in her heart.
Twists and holds, because not only is she doing the exact same, but he doesn't want to let go. Bone, blood, marrow, they could destroy each other and he still wouldn't let go first.
"Shut up!"
The now crying woman screams in fury, in a pain that would never heal. Not when it came to Mattie. It sounded like a warcry, it sounded like a woman gone mad.
Sophie can't listen any further. She makes her choice, her best bet, and reaches out for the black leather suitcase duffel.
"No one."
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There's snoring in her ear, so close it's loud enough to drown out the pitter patter of the night rain. Sophie jolts awake, sits right up with sudden movements, much to her companions' displeasure.
"Wat be...what? What is it now jie?" mumbles June sleepily, her warmth still clutching on to Sophie's arm.
Warm. It's warm.
"It's nothing...go back to sleep June."
"Mmmm? Mmmm ok, you too, night night." the younger girl yawns, rolling over to make herself comfortable.
She looks so innocent like that, so comfortable, and it shakes Sophie somewhere down to her core for reasons she doesn't understand. Not in her current state.
Another warm hand reaches out to cradle the bandaged side of her head, steadying her. Sophie wasn't even aware she was shaking.
"Bad dream?" mumbles Mattie, half asleep himself.
Half asleep but alive. Both of them, Mattie and June, alive and whole, still warm to the touch. Sophie can't breathe, a contradiction of Ryo's voice echos and vibrates deep in her bones. In her frozen stillness, Mattie checks her head. Squinting in the dark, as if to check on her still fresh would.
"It's not bleeding again is it?"
"...no. No it's not."
"Does it still hurt?"
"....Superficial. Stings and nothing more."
"Good then....does creepy snake venom do anything to the body's healing process?" Mattie yawns, yet still keeps the conversation perfectly serious, keeps it going.
He is both distracting her from herself while getting his answers.
"...yes...and no. It depends on the person, but it does...make one more resilient."
"Well if it's not giving you instant heals and the complete and utter lack of need for sleep, lay back down. Go the fuck back to sleep Sophie. We can talk about this in the morning."
Before she knows it, those warm hands, much larger than June's or her own, takes the leather case out of her numb and strained fingers. Just casually pulls the small luggage away and slides it across the cave floor. As if it's perfectly normal for her to be clutching strange bags in her sleep, like a child would desperately hold a teddy bear.
"Mattie?" she tries, voice cracked barely above a whisper.
He tugs her down, gentle on her head, then readjusts the blankets and sleeping bags to adequately cover all three of them.
"I know....Bad dream, good dream whatever you're fucking freezing.....Get some rest. I know I need to after...yeah."
"It's real? It's really real?"
She doesn't know what to say, doesn't know how to respond to this. She doesn't have to, not with Mattie's sleepy groans and June snuggling up on her other side.
"We'll look at the contents of the freaky bag tomorrow but for now, just go to sleep."
As soon as he gets the last word out, sleep takes him again. Sophie is trapped under layers of cozy blankets in between two overgrown snoozing teenagers.
Something in her feels like crying. In shock, in relief, or just because she doesn't know. It could just be one of those days, where the normally absent feelings come all at once. Something in her feels like breaking and crying in this warmth.
But her family is sleeping so peacefully she doesn't dare to make a peep.
She spends too long memorizing the way their breaths fall up and down in their sleep, tracing over their features in the dark. Sophie doesn't know when she finally relaxes but eventually she does, as if lulled by the snores and steady breathing.
The bad dream is just that, a dream. Done and over with. The past is the past and you can't take it back. It's what you choose to do next that matters.
Sophie chooses to listen to Mattie and June's words above all else and falls deep into a peaceful sleep once more.
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AUTORENGEDANKEN 
CCmei
CCmei Can't introduce an ex without some drama now, can we? You can't have an ex without some pain, suffering and general drama.
Definitely a different sort of chapter today. Not so much horror so much as drama- I'm still not tagging this story in the romance tag though.
Ryo's character definitely hurt and betrayed our MC but at the same time relationships are a two-way street. Sophie is no saint, we all know that. I wanted to make it clear that they're both responsible for the fall out, though they could have had a much cleaner and healthier ending to their relationship. Easier said than done of couse.
It's obvious they still care for each other as people but sometimes that's what hurts most when things turn sour.
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Hiya new readers, I see slow and steady collection adds so I assume this story is somehow getting new readers.
Thanks for giving QCI a try and to everyone else, thanks for sticking around.
May you all have restful sleeps
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
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Rangliste 
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