Kapitel 12: EVERYBODY CARES, EVERYBODY UNDERSTANDS
“So.” Hayley started, looking at me with her cat like eyes.” How have you been?”
I have always admired Hayley’s profound ability to be casual and nonchalant in situations where most people, including myself, would find it difficult to be do so. I have not see her in nearly ten years, about eight years in an effort to be precise. And here she is. Somehow at the door of my apartment, talking to me like nothing had happened.
“I don’t even know where to start.” I confessed.
“Why don’t we go in and talk?” Hayley suggested. “Do you have anything to drink?”
Hayley sits down on my couch as I brought over two cans of Voodoo. I make sure it is the ones with nine percent alcohol. I can already tell that I am going to need some help regarding getting through this. Looking at Hayley, she is as stunning as ever. Her hair is shorter than it was in high school, but she has hardly aged. Her figure is in fact better than ever. The way that she is dressed is casual, yet stylish. She has this light brown coat that simply worked for her. Or rather, she is making it work.
“Your place is nice.” Hayley commented. “Well, I guess that does make sense. You do live in Beverly Hills after all.”
“Sad thing is that most people around here look down on me here.”
“It’s because you’re black.” Hayley pointed out so bluntly.
“I prefer not to see it that way.”
“Of course you do. I get it. You’ve always searched for the best in people. It’s that innocent thing that you have going on. However, the sad cold truth is that racism is still very much alive in this country. Systemic racism will always be systematic.”
I was not expecting to hear something so cold coming from Hayley. Time does harden us all in its own unique way. I have no clue as to what she has been up to the last eight years. For all I know she could have gotten married, had two kids and just gotten divorced. Would make more sense as to why she is here.
“How did you find where I live?”
“I called your mom.”
“You still have my home number?”
“No. I used the yellow pages. Sure enough, there she was. Thank God for the older generation. I would never allow for my number to be listed like that.”
“That is probably a good idea.”
“I thought so too.”
“So, why are you here?”
That causes Hayley to come to a pause. Her silence tells me that her coming here was not necessarily planned out with great design. No, her body language is expressing to tell me that something had happened, and she made the rash decision to hunt me down and come here. Now that she is here, she does not even know what to say next.
Guess that’s life.
“I found myself in a shitty relationship.” Hayley started, taking a sip of the can of voodoo. “Really, that’s been my m.o since, well, since you and I parted way.”
“Oh. Is that how you remembered it?”
“What would you call our separation?”
“I would call it you dumping me.”
“Hmm. I suppose that you could look at it that way.”
“I still don’t understand why you’re here.”
“Sorry. I’m probably hurting you. I’ve come to realize that I have a knack for
hurting people when all I am doing is searching for the help that I require.”
In a twisted way, Hayley has a beautiful spirit. There is a sincerity about her. Vulnerability if you will. She is not afraid to state how she feels at any given moment. The majority of people would call this not having a filter. The Majority of people would also be correct. Though, with the right person, that is not such a bad thing.
“I see.”
“You help people for a living, right?”
“I do not know whether or not that is right. But that is correct.”
“Then, will you please help me?”
She said this with a purity that came out of her eyes that I have not seen since our high school days. She is cross between a manipulative woman and a damsel in distress. A manipulative damsel in distress is a good title for her. Her end game seems to be a selfish one. Yet at the same time, her pain is abundantly clear and real. She is pushing all the right and wrong buttons at the same time. Indeed, she does in fact have a special knack for hurting people without even trying.
“What happened?”
“My ex boyfriend…” Hayley started, not being able to look me directly in the eyes. “I thought that he was a good guy. I was totally wrong.”
“Was he beating you?”
“No. He is far too much of a wimp to do anything like that. He was taking all of my money.”
“How?”
“He got laid off and got depressed. So, I told him to go and pursue his dream. His dream has always been to be in a cover band. I know, odd dream. But, I wanted to support him. So, he started a Weezer cover band called Weeze. Highly creative, I know. As you can probably tell, they did not book too many gigs. Don’t get me wrong, I love Weezer as much as the person. But if it is not
Rivers Cuomo on stage, then what’s the point?”
“Was Weeze really the best that he could do?”
“There aren’t a lot of other Weezer cover bands so he really wanted to stand out.”
“I feel that.”
“As things got worse, he went on this downward spiral. He began to drink and smoke weed. A lot. I swear he was crossed every time I saw him. It then began to make him extremely temperamental and annoying. To the point where I could not deal with him any longer. Also, add to the fact that I was shouldering all the bills.”
“How long had you two been together at this point?”
“About a year.”
“This all transpired within a year?”
“Yeah, hence downward spiral.”
“Okay. So, then you just left?”
“Yup. I up and left him like a southern belle in hot pursuit of a better life. Minus the southern belle part, that applies perfectly to me.”
“You still have not told me why you choose to come here. I mean, I am sure that you have other exes.”
“I do.”
“Then why not go to them?”
“They all hate me.”
“Oh. Figures.”
“What do you mean by that?”
People and their lack of self-awareness scares me. I used to like to believe that everyone knows, at least deep down, who they were. That everyone knows the negative, unattractive traits that they hold. Everyone has them. That nonsense was wiped out of my mine as soon as I started working with patients in college. In reality, most people have the notion that they are innocent victims in their
lives and that everyone is out to get them. No one ever thinks about how they cause a great of, if not all the suffering in their lives.
Hayley is a prime example of someone who thinks this way. Her tone suggests to me that she for the life of her cannot understand how she is in the situation that she finds herself in locked step with. She looks to be lost and insecure about it all. It is like she believes that the forces of nature are pulling against her. It is also like she sees me as salvation from this. I like to call this someone who wants to be saved from themselves. A common affair.
“What I mean is that you are coming to me like you’ve never done anything to upset me.”
“Okay, okay I’ll bite. Please, explain to me, how did I dump you?”
“Well, let’s see. We started going out after the last winter break of our senior year, right?”
“Right.”
“Then, two weeks before Prom, you called me saying that we needed to talk. Face to face.”
“Yeah, I wanted to have a talk.”
“We certainly did talk. After that talk I never saw you again. I did not even go to prom. I remember going on facebook a month later. You had went with Evan Weitz.”
“I had to go with someone.”
“You really do not see how you dumped me?”
“I always looked at it as we had a talk that did not go well. Happens right?”
“Yes, that happens. However, I did not want to break you. You clearly did.”
“You didn’t want to end things?”
“No. Not at all. I mean, that is a part of it. It always sucks when only one person wants to exit the relationship while the other person is still in the ring, putting up a fight with all the remaining life force that they have within them. Still, you hacked me off in such cold blood that it ruined the end of my high school career. I wanted nothing to do with school anymore. Outside of not going to
prom I did not go to beach week and left town for the Bay area. I have never spoken to anyone from that school since. Since right now that is.”
“Wow.” Hayley uttered with a look that appears to be genuine surprise. “I had no idea.”
“That is because you were only thinking of yourself. You had zero regard of how I felt. Not one iota on my side of things.”
“Are you still upset by that?”
“Not particularly. Though, I was not planning on reliving that experience until you popped up at my front door tonight. It is what it is. I am just letting you know how it was from my point of view.”
“Sounds horrible.”
“That is because it was in fact horrible.”
“Well.” She started taking a long swig of her beer “I’m sorry.”
“Are you really? Because you all you sound like is someone who does not want to deal with their shit like a mature adult.”
“Is that really necessary?”
“If you want any bit of help from me then yes, that is really necessary.”
Hayley continues to drink her beer, only with a more desperate vibe to her. I have to believe that no one and I mean no one has ever been man or woman to call her out on her shit. For the life of me, I cannot understand why. The only thing that I can think is that she always presents herself as this cool, easy going chick. So, when she does something, she makes a clean getaway. I am sure there are plenty of people who would like to have words with her, but I highly doubt that she ever gave these people the opportunity.
“Remember the first song on that mixtape that I gave you in high school?”
“Yeah, it was So Damn Clever by the Plain White T’s.”
“Every time I see your face, I can see the games you play. Nobody can break hearts better. Why do you have to be so damn clever? Turns you on, always getting what you want. Made me believe that we would be together, why do you have to be so damn clever?”
“Are those the lyrics?”
“Indeed. Funny, I never paid much attention to lyrics back then. I just went with the feelings that the songs I liked gave me. It is hard to understand what most rock songs are saying anyway. I was definitely more intuitive back then. As I have gotten older, all those songs that I was into,, make sense. It was like subconsciously I knew what you were. Maybe subconsciously I was warning myself to get away. Maybe I should have listened.”
Hayley looks away like a little girl who is trying to hide from her parents. In more way was and is a disappointment. The even bigger disappointment in all of this is me. After all, I am the one who is putting up with her bullshit. Even right now. I am more than willing to bet that a more macho man would have not allowed her to set foot in his apartment. I do wish that I could be a bigger douchebag. I just don’t have the emotional fortitude for it.
“What is that you are trying to say?” Hayley asked, dodging any insight that she could be accessing right this moment.
“What I am saying that you have already played me before. I have already went on your roller coaster. One hell of a ride. No doubt. A ride that came to an end a long time ago. A ride that I no longer want any part in.”
“I’m sorry that I hurt you.”
“I believe that you are only sorry that you have to deal with this consequences.”
“Maybe. But I also never sat and thought about how things looked from your end.”
“Yeah, that was the problem. Judging your current situation, that still is the
problem.”
“I don’t know. My ex was pretty bad.”
“That is easy for you to say. Did you ever sit down to talk about his feelings? Did you ever go and see what was going on inside his head?”
“Most guys aren’t as in touch with their feelings like you are Richard.”
“While that may very well be the case, the attempt would be much appreciated. It is also not as though men aren’t interested in discussing their feelings per say. It is more along the lines of they do not want to discuss their feelings in the same way that women do.”
“Which would be?”
“Men do not want to air out their feelings to vent. Men only want to discuss something to reach a logical conclusion. Essentially, men are only interested in discussing their inside with someone who is interested in being a problem solver with them, not for the sake of giving a voice to those said emotions.”
“Oh.” Hayley said, taking another larger sig of her beer. I could see the can’s emptiness ringing. I still had not yet reached the half way point with mine. “I never thought of it that way.”
“Good news is that you have time to mature.”
“Can you help me with that?”
Hayley asked that question with such a suggestive tone that it compels me to take a step back. Does she really see me as such low hanging fruit? As such easy bait? Someone that she can control on a whim? I must have appeared to be that way back in our high school days. I must have as she is holding an image of me that I do not resonate with.
“I cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves.”
“Deep stuff.”
“Look, it is getting late. I have patients to see in the morning. You can sleep on my bed, I am going to sleep on the couch.”
“Really? You’re going to sleep on the couch?”
“Yeah, it’s fine.”
“I’m going to tell you right now it’s fine for you to sleep in your own bed.”
“I did not think that you would want to sleep on the couch.”
“I don’t.”
Before she said that brief sentence I already knew exactly where she was going. If this was a year ago, I would have gladly jumped into my bed with her. Like any normal guy would. I have always believed that when an attractivewoman says yes in any capacity that it is your job at that point to show up. Show and not fuck up. All the same, I do not quite think that way anymore. While sex is fun, I prefer to save my sexual energy for other things and people. Things and people that add value into my life. Value that is measured so to speak.
“I feel that.” I answered.
“Then what is with the games?”
“It’s not a game. I am not interested. There is a difference.”
“Whoa. You got some bite in you now.”
“It comes with age.”
“But you’re only 26.”
“I have always been told that I was more mature for my age.”
“Being mature for your age can be boring, wouldn’t you agree?”
“It depends on what your definition of boring is.”
“Mine would be not being happy with your current circumstances.”
“Oh well. Everyone goes through that.”
“That is why we bring other people into the mix. So that we can ease our loneliness.”
“You know what? I never feel lonely.”
“When is the last time that you had sex?”
“Last night.”
“Oh. I see. You already have your fill for the week.”
“For the week?”
“Most guys require sex once a week to feel good. Be it with a lover, a random person, or a prostitute. You can say that you guys need someone to change the oil and rev the motor once a week.”
“I’ve never been like that. Once a month is fine for me.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“You are a god among men then. Most men start complaining if they don’t have sex in a month.”
“Most men are naïve, arrogant, prideful and have egos the size of Texas. If they were not brought down by those things, they would channel their sexual energy in something useful and they would not have that problem.”
“Look at you, a deep one.”
“I don’t look at myself as a deep person. That is up for others to decide. I choose to live my life the best way that I see fit. Living with attachment to other people for my happiness never worked for me.”
“Okay. Then where does that leave us?”
“I’m about to fall asleep on my couch.”
“Can you at least sleep in the bed with me? I haven’t sleep alone since God knows when.”
“Are you looking for sympathy from me?”
“No. But don’t you enjoy sharing the bed with someone else?”
“No, not really.”
“You are an odd duck.”
“You aren’t the first person to say that.”
“And doesn’t that tell you something?”
“Yes, yes it does. That I need people in my life that are not so materialistic.”
“That is one way to look at it.”
“Look, I’m getting tired. If you are going to give me a hard time, we can share my bed together. But that is it.”
“Roger dodger.”
We then find ourselves in my bed. Hayley was never a touchy feely one. I will go as far as to say that she is a bit of a cold duck. For a woman, she has never been affectionate. Distant and cold is more like it. Nevertheless, a sight to behold. If I am a betting man (which I am not), I would bet that it has to do with her profound emotional aloofness.
“You don’t have to maintain that level of distance.” Hayley told me as she inched closer to my side.
“I already told you, I prefer to sleep alone. I need my sleep.”
“Don’t you get lonely?”
“Not often if ever. If I do, I simply talk to myself.”
“Sounds lonely to me.”
“I am alone most of the time. But, I most the time I am not lonely.”
“I wish that I could be as strong as you.” Hayley said as she turned her body, put her left thigh on top of my crotch. I could feel her pubic hair rubbing against my inner right thigh. “The sad thing is, I’m simply an ordinary girl.”
“There is nothing special about me.”
“Then what is it? What is your secret?”
“People look at life as though it is some complex puzzle. A door that has no locksmith who is able to create the lock needed to gain access. What I have realized on my journey is life is a series of choices. All the choices that you have made in your life have gotten you exactly to the position that you are in at this very moment. It is like that scene in Synecdoche New York when Phillip Seymour
Hoffman is on the plane with Hope Davis. Her character makes a subtle pass at his character. He chooses to ignore it. That completely shut down any possibility of those two characters hooking up. He effectively had decided to go down one path in life. If he had accepted her slight advances, he would have gone down and completely different path. There is this quote from the film that I love: “Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won’t know for twenty years. And you’ll never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it’s what you create. Even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes, or it seems to but doesn’t really. And so, you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along. Something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved.”
“Sounds like a sad movie.”
“I would not say sad. I would say it is an honest film filled with characters who make decisions that alter the course of their life at every turn.”
“Whenever someone says that something is sad or depressing, everyone always says “oh now, it’s honest.” Or worst, “complicated.”
“It’s because it’s the truth. Life is not only filled with fun and games. Imagine if you had a never-ending orgasm…”
“Sheesh, that would be way too intense.”
“And that is my point. You would not even enjoy that orgasm anymore. A world where orgasms lose their value. Perspective then becomes critical as we are able to fully take part and enjoy the good moments because of the moments that are not so savory.”
“No pain, no gain?” Hayley said, further shifting her body on top of mine.
“Not quite. I have never bought into that phrase. Feels contrite. Though, pain is apart of life. Suffering is not.”
“You learned all this in school?”
“School opened my mind to this way of thinking. But honestly, I have always wondered if I learned anything in school. Most of what I have learned has come from reading book that were not in my college library, working with patients, and general life experience. I had no choice to go to school because my field requires at least a master’s degree. I guess I wanted to prove to myself that I could successfully complete something that I did not want to do.”
“What a way to go through life.” Hayley told me, now completely on top of me, thinking that she was slick. “You are a madman.”
“What do you think that you are doing?”
“Would you quit acting like you’re not a human being?” Hayley said, staring into my eyes forcefully.
“No means no.”
“Look, I have had a rough time.”
“I know that you are going through a break up and all, but…”
“No, no, no. It’s not just that.”
“Explain.”
“I don’t even need to ask, but do you know about these Demons?”
“Of course.” I answered, fearing that I am going to let something slip.”
“I got bit by one. I am pretty sure, no, I know that I am infected.”
A dead silence fills my bedroom. In a twisted cosmic way, everything is making sense and coming into form. Ever since I was nearly Demon bait, I have felt detached, well more detached from everyone. I did not seem like there would be anyone who I would be able to share my experience with. No one who I can speak to without worry.
That has just changed. Nice.
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