Kapitel 5: I’m An Idiot
𝑶𝒄𝒕𝒐𝒃𝒆𝒓 18, 1995
𝑫𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒐
Gods, I had never met such an infuriating person. A 𝑤𝑖𝑡𝑐ℎ, at that. I've had my fair share of annoying people but bloody hell, she topped them.
What pissed me off was that she didn't know she was a witch. She acted so witless, so infuriating for not knowing. So dumb. I shouldn't be surprised she doesn't know, it's better.
So why can't I get her bruised face out of my mind? After I threatened and left her I returned to my father, who was waiting at Diagon Alley. We had gone those two days for business and he brought me along for the first time to 𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑛. All I heard was fucked up shit.
Shit I would kill to never hear it again.
For the first time, I was relieved to have returned to Hogwarts. But I wasn't ready for the aggravating people. I wasn't ready for anything for that matter. Because besides thinking of Freckles, I had to perform a spell I had trouble on that day I—helped her?
I couldn't get the Patronus Charm to work at first, I repeated it many times, to my dismay. But once I got a perfect memory, the one I refused would help me conjure my dragon Patronus, I was surprised it worked.
In the end, it saved me. 𝑆ℎ𝑒 saved me—again.
I look down from the plate I've been staring at, having been lost in thought again. It's become a routine again, I thought I was past it. But it became frequent after seeing Freckles.
Makes me hate her even more. I scoff, if only I could somehow see her again, even though I don't want to, so I can insult her. To make her life a living hell, but hey, it looked like she was already living in it.
It made me wonder who would want to hurt her 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 bad.
Even I wouldn't stoop as low as that, physically hurting a person to an extent they can't see or walk. It's pathetic. I'd rather hurt them from the inside out and make them slowly, so slowly, hate everything and me until all they can do is blame themselves. To ℎ𝑎𝑡𝑒 themselves.
I want them to self-destruct. That is when they know true suffering.
The commotion in the Great Hall suddenly stopped, it made me groan from frustration because what the fuck is going on?
I didn't bother looking over at the big doors, too annoyed from my thoughts, and stared at my plate again. The chicken was half-eaten, the potatoes were devoured and the pie was untouched. I haven't had an appetite in a while.
I sigh, grabbing my goblet and drinking the juice, tasting bitter as it touched my tongue.
My eyes went up, scouring whispering people who look at the two people walking through the middle. When I see stupid brown hair I knew its Potter, I knew that head anywhere.
Makes my appetite 𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑟𝑒𝑙𝑦 gone. But the glimpse of auburn hair caught my attention, my eyes widen and the thought of ℎ𝑒𝑟 crossed my mind. My head swirled and for some reason after I thought of her the next that took over was Freckles, of all people.
I set the goblet down, my full attention on them as well and it made me feel foolish. But who gives a fuck, because who the fuck is next to Potter?
As heads parted I got a view of her. Of-
I almost stood up from the shock, I almost yelled, I almost ran—I almost did an unwise decision. And yet, I couldn't stop my heart from pounding, couldn't stop the memories.
The whole world felt utterly useless, like fucking trash because when my eyes laid on her I wanted to lose myself. I want to let myself go crazy because, after years of not seeing that face, after going through unimaginable pain and suffering, she's here. It's like nothing happened, she's alive and breathing.
It was the only thing I wished for when I talked to the stars.
𝐻𝑒𝑟.
Parkinson noticed my interest but she was busy looking at Rose, everyone was looking at her. Their faces were pale and painted with astonishment, and looking as if they saw a ghost. But we were, we're looking at a ghost.
The tale of Rose Potter's bravery, the 𝑠𝑡𝑢𝑝𝑖𝑑 bravery that got her killed, might I add. The story never stopped circling Hogwarts, people always saw her as a hero.
A hero took too soon; just like Diggory. So they celebrated on June 4th, the day she died. That's how it always was, but when everybody came together and mourned her by being happy, I never understood why they 𝑐𝑒𝑙𝑒𝑏𝑟𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑑. Sure she saved us but at what cost?
They lost a friend, a sister, but what did I lose? I lost my best friend, the only person I had begun to trust.
But I'm an unlucky bastard who didn't deserve her so she was taken from me. And I made a promise to make everybody's life hell—just like mine. It was a splendid idea at first, hurting these pathetic wizards and mudbloods, but it became my only escape. And I couldn't stop.
I couldn't stop being an asshole to everybody, it made me feel alive, and it filled the void.
And this void that I thought began to fill, didn't. It was a scheme I convinced myself worked because, without her, that void wasn't truly gone.
But she's here. I'm looking at her right now, good as new. No bruises sport her face and I became relieved at that. And I can't believe I didn't recognize her even with the bruises. But if I admit to myself, something I didn't want to before, I thought her eyes looked familiar.
I knew something reminded me of her. Not only her hair or her eyes but how she acted. She was always tough when we were small, she wasn't scared to talk back to me.
So how come she didn't know it was me?
"Well," said Dumbledore, loud for all to hear. And still, everyone was paralyzed. "Miss Potter it's been a long long time."
I could only see the side of her face. And everything in my body, every fiber and atom pulled me to her. It's a magnet that I had always felt even though I tried to ignore it. But now I don't. I never want to ignore it again.
The professor looked away from her, smiling like he always does, and addresses 𝑢𝑠. The most confused mother fuckers in existence.
"I'm very sorry to have kept this from all of you, especially the professors but the night Miss Potter 𝑎𝑙𝑚𝑜𝑠𝑡 died, we grew scared for her safety," I scoff, so Potter is chopped liver? Amazing. "Harry decided to send her to London but the only way she'd stay was if—"
I grew impatient. I was so goddamn close to shouting at him and demanding an answer. And yet he kept looking at Rose sadly.
That's fucking it. I made to stand and I'm halfway before Nott yanked me down. I grunt and shove his hand off me with a scowl. The action brought us attention and I sigh at the fact.
Faces looked at us but I only looked to the side, clenching my jaw tight. But then something bore into me, something made me shiver and I realize someone is looking at me.
Besides all of them looking at me those eyes were the ones that mattered. My jaw unclenched and I turn, it became a trainwreck. The breath in my lungs is knocked out, I can't breathe.
𝑅𝑜𝑠𝑒...
She looked at me, her piercing green eyes a little shocked. And it's sad to say I'm shocked too.
"—I oblivated her." he finished. And the words knocked me on my ass.
Fuck everything, fuck my life and Dumbledore because he did not say what he just did.
I look at her too closely now, I search her eyes for recognition but once again I found none. It began, my heart—I have felt this before. The shortness of breath, the pain, the numbness. It all ached like my eyes and I knew my heart was breaking again.
𝑆ℎ𝑒 𝑑𝑜𝑒𝑠𝑛'𝑡 𝑟𝑒𝑚𝑒𝑚𝑏𝑒𝑟 𝑚𝑒.
She doesn't and she never will because it's irreversible.
Rose looked away and faced Dumbledore, she stood closer to Harry. For a second I became jealous of the fact her eyes were no longer on me. But that second passed too quickly, and everyone began to talk. The whispers echoed.
"𝐼 𝑐𝑎𝑛'𝑡 𝑏𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑒𝑣𝑒 𝑖𝑡, 𝑠ℎ𝑒'𝑠 𝑎𝑙𝑖𝑣𝑒."
"𝐼𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑙?"
"𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑦 𝑙𝑖𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑢𝑠?"
"Now now," said Dumbledore. "I know this is a shock to all but it was the right thing to do. Now that she's back don't make too much hassle and welcome Rose Potter."
Suddenly the wariness was gone and Potter's two friends at Gryffindor's table didn't clap and shout happily like everyone else. No, Granger was crying and ran into Rose's arms, all that Weaselbee did was stare wide-eyed at her. I snickered at how uncomfortable Rose looked.
But I thought back at a few words, some of Dumbledore's and mine. He said it was the right thing to do—well, for me it was the worst decision. It was a decision that would cleave the world in two, and it did.
It tore us apart. It tore me apart but that's on me, I self-destructed. I made my life hell.
"𝐴𝑟𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑎𝑛 𝑖𝑑𝑖𝑜𝑡?" I had asked her.
It's laughable, and never did I think my own words would haunt me. Because I was terribly wrong, ever since she got away, 𝐼 became the idiot.
❀𓆙❀
Dinner was over and we head back to our dorms, and people couldn't stop looking at me. They knew we used to be friends, they knew of my soft spot for her since I didn't hide it well when I was eleven. Now they look at me as if I'll try to speak to her again.
Not only speak but corrupt her as well, just as I did before. But if I corrupted her then what did she do to me?
The same. I became different, I didn't want to be with fellow Slytherins, I wanted to be with a stupid Hufflepuff, they said. I changed, they said. I wasn't the Draco they knew. But when she died I came back—and worse.
They couldn't recognize me either way, before or after her it was still bad. And now that she's back I don't know who I am anymore.
Sometimes I wonder whether I want to know who I am.
On the way to my Common Room, I catch a glimpse of Rose but she walks off into another corridor leading to the kitchens. Then I realize the Prefect for Hufflepuff leads her. I had almost gone to follow her.
Suddenly a shoulder rammed into mine and I scowl as I turn around to face them. Of course, it had to be him, I was wondering what took him so long.
"Malfoy," he said and I narrow my eyes at him and cross my arms.
I grin. "Potter," I look him up and down. "You look ridiculous as ever," He began to fume and took a step but the mudblood stopped him. He seemed to calm rather too quickly.
I roll my shoulders, readying myself for this conversation. This is also what I dreaded, seeing his face.
"Rosie coming back here doesn't change anything, got it? It doesn't change the fact I hate when you're around her, it doesn't matter if we're older. Stay. Away."
Weaselbee stares daggers at me as if it would hurt me but all I'd have to do is say something about his family and he'd crumble. He wouldn't know how to control his anger and smiling would make it worse. I'd make it worse until I got him in detention.
I tilt my head to the side and look at this trio. I hated them in first year and I still do, but my anger seems to intensify every year.
"You say nothing has changed when everything did," I lean closer to him, almost regretting being so close, and he flexed his jaw, "I'll make sure she chooses me—𝑎𝑔𝑎𝑖𝑛."
I walk off, not caring he has to be held back by his pathetic friends, and smile in victory.
𝐻𝑒 𝑤𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑖𝑛 𝑚𝑦 𝑓𝑢𝑐𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑎𝑦 𝑎𝑔𝑎𝑖𝑛. 𝐻𝑒 𝑤𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝑡𝑎𝑘𝑒 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑎𝑤𝑎𝑦 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑚𝑒—𝑤𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝑙𝑖𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑒 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 ℎ𝑒𝑟.
He'll pay for what he did, I just don't know how I want my payment due.
I shove off these useless thoughts and head for my Common Room, race for my dorm, and avoid my roommates by closing the curtain that surrounds my bed. I could feel their stares through the thin material.
But I don't move, I don't make a noise until I place a Muffliato spell so they can't hear. I begin to lose it, I curse in unfathomable ways.
I can't keep it together, not now that I know the girl I threatened was Rose. I had never regretted hurting someone with my words like now. I want to bury myself in shame and embarrassment.
𝑊ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑑𝑜𝑒𝑠 𝑠ℎ𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑘 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑒?
I don't know, and I never will. Not until I see her again. And as it got later and the moon came too soon, the darkness then filled the dorm and it was silent. It was deathly still.
Sleep didn't take me this night, and I cursed it, cursed at anything for not putting my mind to rest. So my thoughts are everywhere, they got tangled in a web I can't get out of. They're stuck and there forever.
And these thoughts worry me. I keep thinking of how I'll speak to her if I ever have the chance. Would she even want to talk to me?
I wouldn't talk to me either. Not after what I did to her, but she needs to be reminded of the past. I'll die if she doesn't.
❀𓆙❀
Classes start sooner than I expected, having been up most of the night. And I try not to fall asleep in DADA, but it's something hard to fight off. Not when my mind keeps circling back to her.
For some reason, thinking of her so much is driving me nuts. I want to think of something else, I don't want my world to revolve around her. What the fuck am I? Some fan? Hell no, I won't be like these bastards who idealized her after her death.
I'm a Malfoy, we don't become 𝑜𝑏𝑠𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑒𝑑 like this. I need a new obsession.
And for now, that seems to be my grades, my rank. I'm second—one behind Granger. No one has any idea how pathetic it makes me feel, they don't understand how it feels to be under, always one behind Granger.
She makes me want to puke everytime I see her. I just want to yank on that mane of hair she has and pull her under me, finally one behind me.
But that's a load of bollocks. I'll make sure to put her in her place soon.
When Umbridge walked into class we all became stunned. They all thought it was a mistake that she became our professor but I think we all know she's not really here 𝑗𝑢𝑠𝑡 for a teaching position.
They gave it to a pink dwarf when in reality the person who wants this job most of all can't seem to get it. It appears us Slytherins are cursed with bad luck.
I look over at everyone and they're annoyed by this Ministry-approved theoretical course, I know 𝐼 am. And as I become distracted, my eyes wander around the class. But I hesitate and look at Parkinson and our night together a month ago crossed my mind.
I get chills in my body, regret fills my heart and I can't stop feeling empty inside. I never should've done that with her, never should've given up and given in.
I think everyone who loses their virginity regrets the person they lost it with. I know I do.
I shake the thoughts away and look to the door, staring and hoping today passes quickly because I need to talk to her. And as if on cue, I see her pass by through the small window on the door. I've never stood so fast in my life.
Heads turned to me and Umbridge stopped lecturing. "Mr. Malfoy?"
"I'm going to the lavatory," And I left without a second thought.
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
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Rangliste 
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Stein