Kapitel 2: Chapter 1 Called me ugly

You would think that if you accommodated the master's sexual needs, he would at least treat you with some human decency.. clearly that was a foolish thought. The William I had once met when I was six had changed. He was made aware of his white privilege and he became just like them. He treated me worse than waste, he made feel dirty and inutile but most of all ugly. I failed to understand how he would continuously throw heinous words at me every given moment and yet always somehow found his way in my room in the basement.

I wasn't allowed to touch him, I didn't.

Instead, I just laid back with my legs wide open. He would do what he needed to. Sometimes, I got moist with anticipation, and sometimes I was dry with hate and it only made it awfully agonizing on my part. I always tried my best to think of happier things.

I wasn't allowed to look at him, I didn't.

I always looked aside, at the wall or anything but not him. I always managed to sneak peaks at him when he closed his eyes while on top of me. I figured, he had to imagine someone else to be able to stomach the awful thought of being inside me.

He had never smiled at me, not that I expected him to. Master William was very precise on how he needed things to be done. He had made specific rules that I had to follow religiously.

1. My private area is to always be trimmed and hygienic.

2. I was never ever to mention it to anyone.

3. I must always expect him at sundown.

4. I was never give his wife any ideas of our affair.

I had to cut my hair short. Lady Tracy had claimed I was trying to seduce her husband, and that she had seen hair in the food. So she told me to fetch the scissors and proceeded to diabolically cut my once shoulder length hair off.

After visiting my mother, she styled my hair appealingly, commenting that I was almost twenty-one and these young men needed to start approaching. That part made me insecure.. I had nothing to offer. Master William had taken everything I had to offer. It was how I had been raised. The Gallagher family was very Christian and allowed the slaves to attend church with them. That's where I had learnt how to read, just enough from the Bible. Slaves were not to be caught reading any other book besides the Bible.

I got many compliments from my friends and family from the commune. They said I was even more beautiful with short hair and that it complimented my dark skin... I begged to differ but I appreciated it. Master William asked who had given me permission to cut my hair off. I told him that it was an order from his wife. They had a little argument before it was all forgotten. I assumed, Master William was only chafed because now he couldn't even look at me while pleasuring himself.

Liam was an absolute Angel. He was named after Master William but they shortened his name as a way to not cause confusion. I'd like to think Liam was still untainted. He treated me how he would treat anyone else, no one is born with hate.. it's taught. Sooner or later he would realize, he was not to treat me the way he did.

I was convinced my assigned chore was to accommodate Master William's needs as there was not much to do around the Gallagher household. I took care of little Liam, cooked, cleaned and did the laundry. Nothing new really. Lady Tracy was always home, she would invite her friends for tea or she would leave. I felt that there was no need for a maid and didn't understand why i was doing everything that Lady Tracy was capable of doing herself... including pleasing her husband. I know they're intimate, she never fails to close her mouth when they're at it. I assume she wants me to hear...

But what do I care? Master William is her husband. Why does she constantly want to embarrass me when it's already clear that her husband can't stand the sight of me. I, by no means want to snatch her husband even if it was socially possible.

I have even considered writing to Master William's father. I would like to go work at the plantations with my mother instead. I'm very sure there can be a replacement, there are much more appealing lighter girls who would love to take my place. I must really sound ungrateful for this opportunity to sit almost all the time but.. it has it's downfalls. I enjoy being with Liam but—

I just can't be near Master William.

The most terrifying thing about this job is awaiting my period at the end of each month. I am always paranoid. I still want to get married and have a husband who will love me but Master William may ruin that for me. He refuses to take any precautions.

Abstinence was the best precaution.

At least for me.

Master Gallagher was buckling his belt when I decided I wanted to say something. I was afraid, in a panicked state but I had to do this for my own safety. It was not acceptable for a black woman to give birth to a... mixed breed. I would certainly get punished for it and I did not plan on doing that. I was not allowed to speak unless spoken to.. but—

"Is there something you would like to say? Spit it out because you look pathetic pouting your lips like that. It's not appealing nor is it attractive! Not that you're even attractive.."

I gulped down and immediately looked away. My eyes searched for my clothing.

"Out with it!" He said roughly, my heart started beating faster.

"M-master William.. I think we ought to be more careful. I am of age and I would still like to get married and—"

This made him laugh.

I felt like an idiot.

"You actually think you will get married?" He said arrogantly, rolling his eyes. He turned to my dressing table at the corner that I had been given by Lady Tracy so I could see if I looked presentable in front of her visitors. He checked if he looked alright, fixing his blonde hair.

"Y-yes." I replied, maybe that was a rhetorical question but my hands were shaking and—

"No one will marry you. I will be honest, you're the least attractive or good looking negro I have ever come across. You should be glad I even touch you!"

He always somehow found a way to deflate my confidence.

"But Master—"

"Don't make me repeat myself. I will continue pulling out nothing will happen. For the past three months it has been working well, have you missed your period? Bloody hell not. You didn't even attain any education so do not assume that you will be teaching me biology!"

I kept quiet.

"Am I speaking to myself?"

"N-no sir.."

"Good."

That night, I cried because I felt this wouldn't end well for me.

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