Kapitel 3: CLAUDE, 14 days before THE day
"I am so not liking any of this." I scowled at my brother as we got out of a clothing apparel. I'm wearing an oversized gray hoodie that covers pretty much half of my entire face and an extremely plain pair of jeans. I got sunglasses and a mask. Let's see if anyone would ever recognize me.
"Oh c'mon sis, you look great. No one could recognize you, see?"
"Oh yeah, 'cause they're thinking I'm a criminal." He laughed at me and I grabbed my shopping bags from him. One reason why I really love my Ken? 'Cause he never, ever complains about the plethora of shopped items I ask him to carry. And he never complains about the endless walking around the mall everytime we go shopping. He's really the best buddy I need.
"Oh, look! Cotton candies!" He cried out like a child. He pointed to the cotton candy stall and turned to me with bright eyes. "I remember one time when you cried the whole night just because mom didn't let you buy cotton candy." He reminisced with dreamy eyes and a big laugh. God, I never see my brother laugh this way with any other person aside from me. He must really love me. And I always disappoint him.
He smiled and grabbed my hand towards the stall.
"That was a long time ago, Ken." I uttered blankly.
"So, you don't want some? Okay, let's go back to the car, then." He slipped back his coins inside his pocket.
"It was a long time ago, but that doesn't mean I'm not into cotton candies anymore." He chuckled as I smiled at him. He bought two cotton candies and paid the man a huge amount.
"Keep the change, man. Keep up the good work." He winked at the cotton candy guy and we walked to the car.
"You made that man's day, Ken." I said.
"Yeah well someone has to do it."
The drive was long, but I was so relieved that I didn't have to hide myself anymore. It was really hot inside those baggy clothes.
"Know what? You don't always have to hide using those hoodies and sunglasses." He said out of the blue. He seemed spaced out. But I know he has a deeper meaning with what he said. Hmm, I'm intrigued. What might it be?
"You mean to say, I don't have to hide at all?" He's still looking out the window.
"I mean to say," he looked at me at last. "You can change your look. Like your hair or your style. You know, makeover stuff."
"Oh so my manly, ever-gorgeous brother wants to make me his Barbie doll. You might be Ken, but I'll never be your Barbie." I laughed.
"Not me, genius." He laughed back. "We own a salon somewhere at Baker Town. You can go there and I don't know, maybe have a trim or go blonde, up to you." We stopped for a while before a stoplight.
"Oh no, no, no. If I go blonde then I'd be the epitome of a slutty college girl who gets killed first in horror movies." I said sarcastically. Ken did not laugh. He doesn't like it when I make fun of my already disgracefully funny job.
Straight faced, he just maneuvers the car to the left and continues driving. I felt guilty for a while and after a long, silent, awkward moment, I said, "I'm sorry" in the lowest tone, almost inaudible, way possible. "I didn't mean to—" he suddenly stopped the car somewhere beside an old post, cars passing beside us, our position far from hazardous.
"I hate seeing you like this." He cut off.
"I thought we're done with yesterday's drama?" I asked calmly, as if trying to lull an awaken baby back to sleep.
"That drama has always been there, Claude, you know that. Since we were kids, until we become teenagers, until now that we're adults and can finally decide on our own, that drama is still there." He seems more angry to me than concerned now. I don't understand why. My brother never talks to me like this, nor tells me that he's hurting or even tells me what I was doing wrong. He has just always been this understanding brother who comforts me whenever I'm sad and hopeless, which shamefully, I admit is like every single day of my life. Now I see nothing of that brother I grew up with. In front of me at this moment, is a man similar to those directors that get mad at me for wasting their unbearable working hours.
"Claude, you have been God's most precious gift to me. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have pursued architecture. Remember when we were kids, you kept on making me draw all the buildings you saw in New York everytime Mom and Dad brought us there? And then when we were at high school you said you want me to build a building dedicated to you. A building that I'm going to name after you. And after years, maybe decades, people will look up to that skyscraper and all they will think about is you." Tears start to fill up his eyes. Shit, I said to myself. The last thing I would want is to see my precious brother cry because of my failures.
"Claude," he continued, "you will always be my baby girl, but I want you to realize that you're not a baby anymore." That sentence kind of pierced me right straight in the heart. I'm well aware that people often quote me as an "immature brat" because they say I grew up in golden linens, drinking the finest wines, and laying down in stacks of money. And yes, I got older, but I never actually grew up. But I was apathetic from all the rumors that circle my life. People's lives are miserable, I thought, so they obsess over other people's lives so they can get distracted from their actual problems. But I never thought Ken thought of me like that as well. I suddenly felt defenseless, isolated and left alone by every single breathing thing in this universe, especially by the person I love the most.
I stayed silent in the car while I waited for his next words to come.
But he seems to be stunned by what came out of his mouth too. He sighed and looked at me. With pity, hurt, and disappointment in his eyes, he blurted out, "I think I should stop treating you like a child. I think—" he sighed again. I hate it when he sighs. I feel like a heavy baggage he is obliged to carry when in fact, I am not. I can do things on my own and I don't need him to be always behind my back. I never asked for his support, all these were to his liking! "I think I should move out and we'll start new lives separately. You need to learn to be independent."
Stunned, baffled, devastated, whatever that was, I just sat there in the car, staring at him. I don't know what to say. I didn't mean it that way! I like him to be with me and yes I never asked for his support but he never left me and I never wanted that! This is just unfair.
I know I sound like a brat like now, but he's the only one I've got. My mother only cared for my career, for my figure, and nothing more than that. To her, I'm just a brunette investment, which by the way makes her sick even more because her hair's as blonde as a barbie doll and everyone says I look a lot like my father than her. I wouldn't say she has her favorites, because I don't think she cares any ounce more about my brothers as well. All she cares about is herself.
My dad is barely home, so he knows nothing about his children. I honestly thought I'd grow closer to my brother France when he came out as gay. I've imagined us together putting make-up on each other or braiding each other's hair, like two beautiful sisters of the famous Coleman dynasty. But I guess things don't really go your way especially when you're wishing too much for them to happen. He grew even more distant, and never, even once, experimented his make-up line on my face. I find him beautiful, like a tall supermodel. He doesn't usually dress like a girl, but when he does, he looks stunning.
And now I'm left with this family that only looks good in front of the camera. And I've never felt so alone.
I tried to hold back my tears this time and just sat there, quietly, trying to absorb all the words. I think I should move out. I wanted to yell at my brother and explain to him how stupid that idea was but I couldn't find the right words. Or any words at all. Because I knew he was right. I've been too afraid to step outside my own world and live my own life, to my liking.
"Okay," was all I could utter at that moment. My brother looked at me surprised, and I really did want to say more, but I guess this is how I start acting "matured".
My brother was still looking at me and he was speechless for a minute. "Wow, Claude, that's...that's amazing," he still couldn't believe that I just said "okay" and did not fuss about it. "I'm proud of you. I know you'll find yourself someday." And with that, he kissed me on the forehead and started driving back to our home.
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
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Rangliste 
-- Power-
Stein