Kapitel 57: Chapter 11: Part 4 – Comfort in Chris’ Arms
= Sarah POV =
"Fallen in love?" I said, and thought about it " Well I have loved everyone I-"
"No no…Sarah. Like heart racing, thoughts consuming, deeply focused, intensely preoccupied no-thoughts-head-empty love" Chris asked, putting her hand on my leg "A feeling so intense that sometimes you feel like you are losing your mind, or at least your heart. You constantly think about them, talk about them, obsess over them…if you go too far you end up stalking them…dreaming about them…" she asked, looking at me expectantly.
I thought about it. I thought back on all the people I had hooked up with in the past, and even recently in the present.
"No," I said, "Huh. I guess not"
"Well, there's the problem. Some people can get aroused easily through simply being stimulated and those people find it comfortable when people embrace them, whether they are strangers or not.
Other people need a person to be intellectually stimulating, and require long conversations, intimate detail sharing and even time spent apart, to bring them closer together, to create that spark of arousal that sets the mood for intimacy.
There are so many different ways that people reach this state of arousal, it's not just about how you are touching someone else's body. It's about how much you know or care about the other person, and using that knowledge, to make them feel good.
Listening to you, I can tell that you're trying to be earnest with me. This must have been hard for you, keeping this secret about how inadequate you feel in bed with your previous partners, but you told me so many stories, are you serious not one of those was real?" Chris asked as she scooted further into the bed, crossing her legs and leaning back against the bed frame to get more comfortable.
I nodded "I-I honestly wanted to make it out to be that I was doing well, because you were always in relationships, and looked like you were having fun. I didn't tell you the truth because I was lonely. I knew you had class and girlfriends, and I didn't want to be your clingy best friend who always took up your time, so I actually….just spent a lot of time in the art studio, instead of meeting up with my boyfriends" I explained, looking down at my hands in shame " I'm sorry I lied to you. I didn't want you to…stop being friends with me cause I was so uncool"
"Oh… it…it kinda hurts Sarah, that you thought so little of me. We were best friends, you should have known something like your shit sex life wasn't gonna stop me from being friends with you" Chris said, sounding pissed off but also a little sad.
I looked up and saw tears in Chris' eyes as she looked out the window.
" I… I'm sorry. I'm a shit friend. I admire you so much… I didn't want to disappoint you…but now I'm disappointing you anyway…" I sighed and started getting off the bed.
Chris suddenly reached out and grabbed me by the wrist " Where do you think you're going? You don't get to dump all this on me and run away. I have more questions so…stay, and answer me" She said.
I nodded and settled down again.
"Please, ask me anything" I replied and Chris released me.
"So… what happened to Marcus and Liam? They seemed happy dating you, even though each relationship was kind of short-lived," Chris asked.
"I umm…I spent a lot of time inventing games that we could play, like…if they did a,b,c for me, I would do something naughty to them, for them…as long as it stayed like some kind of a game, a reward system, I never had to commit to any actual sex. The relationship ended when we finally had sex. They said it was all leading to a nothing burger" I explained, then covered my face. The memories of being dumped made my face hot and my chest tight. I felt like I was going to cry but I fought back the tears.
"So what, they didn't get off? After they fucked you, they discarded you? Why didn't you tell me? You must have been so hurt" Chris said, reaching out and putting a hand on my knee.
"So…hurt?" I repeated.
"Yeah, no matter how bad you are in bed, that is a seriously shitty thing to do. A relationship is not just about how good you are in bed because there is so much more to life than sex" Chris said.
I brought down my hands "But, I was the one failing to perform. If you don't do well on a test, you deserve the grade you get, right?" I asked.
Chris shook her head "Not if you're sitting for the wrong exam. You went into a relationship, thinking you were sitting for a Chemistry paper, but it turned out to be Physics, and you never studied for that."
I felt my bottom lip tremble and as I bit my lip, trying to hold back the tears, Chris patted my leg gently "Sometimes in life, it's ok that you can't be good at everything. Instead of trying to learn how to have sex, you need to forgive yourself, and not keep holding yourself to the unrealistic standards others have imposed on you. You don't have to be good at sex. You just must be good at being you" Chris smiled gently.
I couldn't help it. I burst into tears.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" I cried while trying to wipe away the tears.
Chris came over and pulled me into her arms "It's ok…It's ok" She said as she held me " You're ok, you don't have to do more than you are capable of, I won't make you do things you're not ready for, I promise"
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︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵
Author's Note:
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Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
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Stein