Kapitel 36: Chapter Thirty-five

Elis

As I step inside the apartment, my eyes wander around to see the living room in total darkness; leaving me frowning before closing the door behind me. It takes me awhile to realise that there's a noise coming from one of the rooms—the bathroom.

I turn on the lights in the living room and in the kitchen as I make my way towards the bedroom, surprised to see the room in a total mess. Pillows and frames are scattered all around the floor, making me cautiously watch my step incase I step on one.

My heart skips a beat at the sight I see; Rose sitting onto the ground as she cries out while her right hand is currently holding onto a knife—signalling her left wrist, leaving me frozen at my spot. I can't help but continue to look at her from behind, remembering that I've once see her this way before and it wasn't pleasant but the last time I saw her, she already did.

''Rose.'' I call out softly, afraid if I might startle her.

Her grip onto the knife starts to loosen as she drops it onto the ground before turning to look at me, her eyes are red with tears and her face is pale as snow. Slowly, I try to get closer towards her—wanting to make sure that she'll let me come closer to comfort or at least soothe her. What surprises me most is, she quickly makes her way towards me, pulling me in for a hug.

I wrap my arms around her waist as she wraps hers around my neck, holding onto me as if she's too weak. My heart starts to break at the sight and at the situation that she's in because she deserves so much better than any of this; I don't know what she went through when I was gone but I'm sure it's Elia.

He has and always will be the cause of her sadness.

Honestly, it pains me to see Rose trying to forget. She has been convincing herself to see a whole new world and to let go of her past yet she's doing a horrible job at it. Yes, she tries very hard on achieving a better life but all I see is her trying to hide the ultimate pain.

She seeks for Elia at nights whenever she has nightmares, she craves for his touch and that's one of the reasons why she let me touch her, she longs for his kisses and that's why she let me kiss her. I've always felt like I'm being used but I don't seem to mind. My feelings for her are genuine and I will always care for her wellbeing—somehow, she frequently mistaken me as Elia; that man is haunting her in so many ways.

I've been trying to be her saviour.

I want to see her smile again like how she used to when she was with him, instead of faking it whenever she sees me. Deep down inside, I know that she will never come to love me in a way that she loves him and I don't seem to hold any anger because I understand how her love is truly valuable. He's too lucky.

And an asshole. A fucked up asshole.

My hands are soothingly rubbing onto her back, trying to at least let her feel some sort of comfort. Spending months and months with Rose has made me realise how love can cause so much pain in so many different ways. She has been lost and fragile ever since she left him; unwillingly left him.

Elia has been keeping his distance from our family too including Ma. He said it's better if he handles issues on his own than bringing us along; but he does not seem to understand that he's only causing more pain. He used to be selfish and he wouldn't care about the whole world just so that he can get what he wants but what happened to that Elia? He's changed.

For some reason, I prefer that Elia.

I know that when the time comes, I'll have to let go of Rose because she needs to be with Elia. She needs him for the sake of her mind and soul; for the sake of her sanity. Even if I try to make her open her eyes and see that she will be able to love someone else other than Elia, she won't truly open them. She continues to live in the sorrow she has for Elia, she lives for him.

Right now, I can't seem to let her go anymore. Elia has been doing nothing but causing destruction to her heart and her mind. He has been killing her mentally and emotionally—harming her more than any physical contact would do. He won't try to safe her. If he would try, he wouldn't have caused her this.

Yes, he's doing all of this for Rose. All for her safety but why can't he explain things nicely to her eleven months ago so that she would understand better? She would at least learn and slowly try to forgive before moving on; she wouldn't harm herself. She wouldn't be sitting in the bathroom, crying and running razors onto her wrist, she wouldn't be in pain.

She pulls herself before facing me, ''Elis.''

My eyebrows furrow as I look down at her, seeing that her eyes are darkening with the amount of sadness clouding her happiness; showing how she's almost lifeless and already killing herself with the exact amount of sorrow. She's becoming weaker and weaker everyday, failing to hold on—failing to be happy.

''Do me a favour,'' She breathes.

''Don't do this to yourself, Rose.'' I mutter.

Both of my hands are cupping onto her face, trying to make sure that she'll look straight into my eyes; seeing how I need her here with me—I want her here more than anything or anyone else. The kind of favour that she'll be asking will determine her death so I won't be doing her any favour. She will not go away.

Looking at her weakens me. Almost killing me too.

''Just, please kill me.'' She cries, tears are streaming down her face as a sign of sadness and in pain, ''My heart can't take it anymore and my soul won't cooperate. There's nothing left for me so please, just end my life—it'll be easier for both you and I.''

Anger starts to rise inside of me; knowing that she's serious about asking me to kill her. I push her hair away from her face, wanting to make sure that she'll start to see things clearer and stop asking for death. I lean in closer towards her before resting my forehead on hers, ''Don't. Stop asking me to do those things,''

''I need you. I'm going to help you go through this and I'm going to make you feel better. You are going to be better, you just have to trust me and I'll help you.'' I add, looking straight into her eyes, wanting to show my sincerity. She doesn't seem bothered as she continues to cry; her tears are hurting me more.

''Then, don't stop me.'' She whispers.

We are both frozen at our spot as I take my moment to process the words she said. Within seconds, she starts to push me away, making my body stumble back as she runs back into the bathroom; closing and locking the door—not letting me in. I immediately knock onto the door, ''Rose, don't do this!'' I beg.

From outside, I can hear her sobs and I can feel her pain; my mind goes blank in situations like this, I don't know how to handle and how to deal with it. Tears are also streaming down my cheeks without me realising but I let it slide, only worrying about Rose.

''Rose, I beg of you, please don't do this to yourself. Don't do this to me. So, please open the door.'' I wait for a couple of seconds but seem to not receiving any respond from her so I start slamming my palm onto the door, trying to make her open while I twist the doorknob; almost feeling hopeless.

''Rose, baby, please!'' Tears are continuing to fall.

It has been exactly ten minutes but she has not open the door, making me worry even more of what she might be doing inside; causing me to try and break the door—not caring if I end up hurting. After a couple of tried, the door breaks down, revealing Rose laying onto the ground, her eyes closed.

My whole body starts to panic as I rush in, seeing that there are blood on the ground from her wrists and from her stomach; she stabbed herself. I start to cry even more at the sight as I lean in, trying to hear her breathing fainting. Without further ado, I quickly pick her up and run towards my car before driving towards the hospital in a hurry for the sake of her life.

As soon as we arrive at the emergency room, the nurse attend us shortly; seeing that her condition is serious. I stand still as I watch her laying on the hospital bed, being pulled into another room with one thing on my mind—stay.

I run my fingers through my hair roughly before pinching the bridge of my nose and looking back at the operation room; wanting to know that she's alright and that she'll be fine. I can't bear to lose her. That's when I realise that she's starting to have a special space in my heart. An unoccupied space.

A space that has been left empty for years.

''Please be fine. Please be fine,'' I chant continuously as I look down onto the ground, closing my eyes and holding back the tears from falling again; I can't lose her because if I do, it'll be her all over again.

I lean my head against the wall as I sit on one of the seats, continuing to close my eyes while I hope that she'll be alright and that she'll stay; even if she leaves, she deserves so much better than this.

Memories of her rushes in, occupying my mind.

''Rester avec moi,'' I breathe out as I look at her face, seeing that she has been in her coma for almost three days now. My heart aches due to the amount of pain because I feel like it's all my fault; as if I'm the cause of her pain. The cause of her being in this condition.

Her skin has became paler than normal and her lips are not as moisturised as they always were but she still and always will be the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on. She managed to make me fall for her just by her smile; just by her presence.

It's not her beauty that I fell in love with but her soul.

Years and years of running away from my problems, I've come to meet her—Adaline and due to her french ethnicity, she's quite the charmer. We spent months knowing each other before actually convincing our feelings to one another because we both know that it's real and serious. Whenever I look at her, I wouldn't even want to look at anyone else.

Apart from her beautiful features, she has the most amazing laugh that I've ever heard or maybe that's just me. Still, she laughs as if there's no tomorrow and her laugh is very genuine; a laugh that can take my breath away. Not just that, she's perfect.

Ever since then, I started learning French.

I wanted to impress her more than just actions.

To be frank, I wasn't only trying to impress her but I was trying to win her heart; it was not an easy process but I never gave up, knowing that she's worth it. I'm thankful I never stopped trying.

I run my index finger onto her skin, feeling the softness but I almost start to tear up again at the coldness of her skin; she used to be warm. It pains me to see that she's no longer as she used to be. It's all my fault—I blame myself for this.

If only we weren't arguing that day and if only I would've seen the other car coming our way; I would've protected her. I would've at least avoided her side so that she wouldn't be in this condition. Maybe I would but then she'll be fine.

''Wake up, amour.'' I whisper.

Still, no movement.

My heart continues to ache before I start to lean in, eyeing her from up close, missing the way she used to smile and laugh at my silly jokes, remembering the way she screams whenever there's a bug and cherishing the way she kisses me whenever we end up arguing; if only I'm able to feel them again.

''Je t'aime,'' I breathe out, kissing her forehead. Long.

All of a sudden, the machine starts to beep loudly and I start to panic; quickly turning to look at her and seeing that she has stopped breathing at once. The doctor and the nurses come rushing in, quickly attending her and trying to make her stable again while both of my eyes wouldn't dare to leave her.

Images of her are haunting me.

Her light brown eyes and light brown hair, she's the definition of perfection. How come I feel like I've lost her, forever? Why does it hurt so much? Why can't I move and why can't I soothe my aching heart?

The nurses continue to pull me softly, trying to make me move away from her but I won't budge. I keep on shouting her name and calling out for her so that when she hears me, she'll be able to come back. My eyes are clouding with tears as they continue to stream down my cheeks; almost making me feel like I should be the one laying dead instead of her.

''Don't leave me!'' I shout.

I open my eyes to find that I've managed to fall asleep; as memories of Adaline came into my mind in my slumber. Within seconds, I am sitting up straight before breathing properly; calming myself down. It has been years ever since she came into my dream so it's quite a surprise to actually dream about her again.

My eyes wander to see the doctor walking out from the operation room, making me stand up and quickly walking towards him, ''How is she?'' I ask, concern.

The doctor looks straight into my eyes, ''She's stable.''

My heart starts to slow down as a sign of relief before actually letting out a deep sigh; realising that Rose will be fine and that she'll he able to actually heal. To my surprise, I am starting to see images of her smiling and laughing but I know that will take awhile.

''Can I see her?'' I ask.

''Yes but let her rest,'' He replies and I nod my head. Just when I'm about to walk away and see her, the doctor starts to call out for me, ''I know this is a little bit personal but are you close with the patient?''

''She's a very close friend,'' I reply, shortly.

''If I may know, has she been harming herself? I thought I shall ask due to the scars on her wrists and she had lost a lot of blood from her wrists too other than her stomach; fortunately, the wound was not deep so the injury is not serious.'' He says, leaving me blank as I clench my jaw, thinking of answers.

''Can we talk about this later, doctor?'' I ask.

''Of course,'' He smiles and I turn to make my way towards Rose; quickly entering the room she has been assigned to after the operation. As soon as I see her laying onto the bed, I start to feel slightly relieved.

Two of the nurses start to walk out of the room after smiling, leaving Rose and I all by ourselves. Both of her eyes are closed as I stand a few feet away from her bed, not wanting to startle her or wake her up; like the doctor said, she needs her rest so I won't interrupt.

Her lips are slightly chapped and her face is pale; almost reminding me of her but I quickly clear my throat, wanting to forget my past memory. It has been six years of her gone and it would be best if I don't think about her as frequent as I used to.

I walk closer towards her and once we're close enough, I run the back of my hand on the side of her cheek slowly; missing the feeling of her skin. My lips are curving into a small smile—relieved to see her. It's quite a surprise when I start to lean in and kiss her forehead, long and full of meanings. When she wakes up and when the time is right, when she's fully healed, I want to be able to tell her what I truly feel.

She deserves to know.

It's not a lie that I love her.

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