Kapitel 1: Hope...?
Whoever said death was like a cold embrace could go fuck themselves.
I didn't understand it when it first came to mind - or whatever was left of my mind in that 'limbo' anyway. The only thing that I was left of the vague memory of it was…
It was nothing, yet it was also everything at the same time; but even that explanation fell short of what it was and what it felt like.
Comparable to touching what the color magenta tasted like - it didn't make sense.
And here I was, sitting with my eyes closed trying to visualize that impossibility.
Meditation was a simple enough habit to incorporate, if very strange to experience in the tiny hyperactive body of a child; closing one's eyes wasn't a must, but it made me feel at ease with the 6 accumulated years of practice I've spent at it.
The thing is: I'm only 5 years old.
And yes, reincarnation seemed to be a thing for me, for all I knew at least.
I was around 2, maybe 2 and a half, years old at that time, gaining the cognition and awareness to sparse through the newfound EVERYTHING that I then and now have. Mannerisms, baby teeth, basic knowledge of German, a paraplegic sister, and a magical lineage.
Now someone out there must be thinking…
Wow! How special! For little Caules to gain the memories and experience of an 18 year old alumnus fresh out of high school…
Along with the entire knowledge of the numerous horrors that lied in the World of Mystery.
I remember that one, mundane but satisfying, life before death, and I was only slightly lamenting the fact that I couldn't haunt the truck driver that killed me.
I remember a world where I could live in peace and just deal with the regular problems that came with a regular life.
I remember when the metaphorical hurdles I had to jump were more about trying to figure out how to be adult, instead of being born into a world where it was a familial tradition to (fruitlessly)reach the Root of all that exists.
Now…I could only imagine what role I would get in the war that I knew was coming.
And the one thought that summarized the several months of self-reflection I had was: "Troublesome".
I had more than enough time to be fearful of the many monstrosities that I would possibly encounter in a world of magic, but now, a week after getting my 5th birthday present, I was more inclined to focus on finding the right mental trigger to activate my magical-ness. There was no use in fearing the future when I already had the foreknowledge to rationalize some of it.
Thus, my reminiscence of the 'void'.
It was a hypnosis: tricking the mind to trick the spirit, as the magic circuits of a person was located in the soul, and was the spiritual nervous system that allowed the caster to perform Magecraft.
Their basic functions were to convert life force into magical energy - or prana, for a shorter alternative - and to use that prana to utilize the world's belief systems, thereby cheating reality to do the possible through impossible means.
Sadly, trying to imagine limbo again was an effort in futility, making only a few of my circuits thrum with a stinging heat through my body before retreating back into nothingness.
I swear, it was like the spiritual equivalent of blueballing myself.
Like any magus family worth their salt, what I got for my 5th birthday present was 23 lines of blazing fire coursing through my entire being, along with mild hyperthermia that lasted until the day after.
"Your control has wavered…again." Landric Forvedge of Yggdmillennia's words echoed through the small room with walls and floor of stone, breaking my pondering state of silence.
"Forgive me, father. Your presence just seems to disturb my concentration. I'd like to be alone for now."
…it seemed more of a passive aggressive response considering that Fiore, my sister, was here too, but oh well, the standard mindset of a Magus like him never appealed to me anyway.
The man I called father only in words continued, "And if you somehow lose focus while I am not here, burning your body and mind in the process? Do not presume that your lack of sentimentality towards me means anything, child. If you cannot bring yourself to open your circuits in this setting, how pitifully will you fare when you actually apply yourself in our craft?"
"Silence is all I ask for, father. I'll be able to open them in time. This is only a momentary struggle; that's all it is."
"A momentary struggle that lasts for a week? This is the most basic of tasks that even your sister took but a few hours to accomplish. If this continues, we will have to try a more…violent approach."
I knew what he was suggesting, of course. A strong emotion or memory is one of the best go-to mental triggers to activate one's circuits, but injury can produce that same feeling, so too can near-death experiences.
But to suggest that Fiore was able to do it in a few hours was just an attempt to rile me up. Her circuits were good - too good, to be honest - and were practically close enough to be mistaken for Blue Blood circuits if not for our mediocre lineage.
Her power, however, came with a price. Those circuits that father praised her for were the source of her paraplegia, an unfortunate mutation that was present since birth.
Even after a year of handling them, she still had to be careful not to use too much prana, lest she overheats her body from the inside out. The risk was the same with many other magi, though usually not to the extent of her own circuits.
Alas, to be a Magus was to walk with death.
Landric clicked his tongue, as impatiently as I was mentally frustrated, "Fiore, do keep an eye on him. Since he values my worry to be so little, perhaps you can talk some sense into him."
"I- yes, father." My sister shifted slightly, and it was anyone's guess on how uncomfortable she was with father and I's strained, but still present, relationship.
The man walked out the door, and - subtly enough for me to almost miss - stationed a miniature dog spirit behind the door.
It was almost like he cared - no, that was wrong. He cared, not for the boy he saw as a son, but for the potential Magus within in me.
The Forvedge were a family of dropout Magi, with a tarnished reputation due to a shallow bloodline, lack of wealth, and failure to maneuver the battlefield that was Magus politics.
So they were absorbed into the Yggdmillennia, as yet another clan trying to vie for whatever power they could get, and to claim the glory they seek.
I had no problems with it; I, the one before Caules, already had a childhood that I was happy to move past. I was in a world of magic after all. And no matter how dangerous the Moonlit World may seem, magic was still hella cool, yo.
That still opened up one problem, though…
"Why…why are you and father always so angry at each other?" Fiore asked softly.
"Hm. It's because I don't agree with him." I answered immediately.
"Why do you not agree with him?"
"Because I don't see him as right."
"But…why?" My six year old sister asked confusedly.
No matter how I saw it, her upbri- OUR upbringing was something that I introspectively saw as just…sad.
Ever since we could talk and read, magic ruled our lives. Sure, I thought it was cool, but that was only because I had the background and perspective too PERCIEVE it like that.
Kids were supposed to be kids. They were supposed to always annoyingly question things, play with others their age, and generally just be dumb with no life experience whatsoever.
They weren't supposed to be communing with the spirits of the damned, or learning the best way to sacrifice a sheep, or learn to lie through their teeth as fluidly and naturally as they breathed, just to prepare them for the world underneath.
That was why I pitied her.
"Well, look at it this way. What would you pick between black or white?" I questioned her.
"Um. White?"
I nodded, "Now, what about sauerbraten or apple strudel?"
"Apple strudel!" She said with such cute enthusiasm that it put a small smile on my face.
"Okay, but if you were to save a healthy puppy or a sick dog, then what choice will you pick?"
I was met with silence and a confused expression, so I continued, "The healthy puppy will live longer. But, even if the sick dog can be healed, they will still die faster than the puppy will. We only have enough resources to take care of one of them, so taking both of them isn't an option."
Six years old my sister may be, but Magi tend to expose their children to the concept of death at a young age; we were no exception to this.
"The…the puppy?" She answered.
"Then we would leave the dog, even though it could be as good a pet as the former? The puppy may live to become a long-lasting companion, but will the happiness of each be so different from the other choice?"
Again, silence - one that lasted several moments.
Ah, that was right. We didn't get the metaphorical puppy - the long happiness that would eventually become that distant childhood memory. Nor did we get the dog - the short but memorable moments that one looks back at now and again.
We had Magecraft: the dying art that was pushed upon us to advance, like traditionalists rejecting the liberal notion of improvement.
The remainder of my previous life's memories were filled with broad strokes, blurred silhouettes of people I was supposed to recognize, and a lot trivial information, but from that haze - I found that one philosophy that that person cherished.
Happiness is through helping others.
If he couldn't find it in himself to find that happiness on his own, he found it in others.
My own name might be lost to me, but the dream that was passed onto me from that important person wasn't forgotten.
And so, I grasped that ideal for myself as the last connection from one life to another.
A reverb of energy fled my being, but sputtered out once again; I was close.
I stopped in front of the wheelchair bound, little lady of the house, and held her hand in both of mine. Now I simply just felt bad for putting a little girl to the verge of tearing up AND kick-starting an existential crisis, but one has to end what they started.
"Every action has a consequence. Light a fire, and it will burn. Push a glass off a table, and it will break. Save a stray dog, but leave the other ones to fend for themselves…"
And when you take away the chance of a normal childhood, what will you be left with then?
"Like Equivalent Exchange?" She piped in.
I nodded, "Exactly."
She didn't need to know yet - of the existence of those who broke that rule and got away with it too.
"It is my choice to disagree, and because I accept what the consequence of it is - how much more justified can I be?"
The world is not fair by nature, but that wasn't going to stop the righteous from trying to make it so.
How do I walk with death without devaluing the price of life? Maybe I'll find the answer to that some day.
With a sigh, I sat back down on the bounded circle to contemplate on the kind of hype my mind needed for me to actually start doing magical stuff.
"You don't need to think about it much, Fi'," I said, "If you have a question, I'll answer it as best as I can. And if you need help, just call me and I'll be there. It's my job as a little brother to help out the older however I can. Even if I can't reach the Truth anytime soon, I can promise to always give you mine."
Did I have siblings? Were they going to be okay if I was gone? Were my parents worried, or sick, or grieving, or already moved past the death of that son?
In that moment, I found myself reciprocating the smile I saw, and I judged that whoever that son was - he didn't matter here.
"Thank you. I just…I hope you find your trigger soon, Cal." She said.
"Thanks, Fi'."
…hope…of all the things I haven't thought about.
Contrary to what father expected, I actually COULD use my circuits to some extent. The problem only lied that it was only ever 'to some extent'.
Fear was one of the greatest motivators, and I've searched up, down, around, and behind my mind's nightmares just to open these damn spiritual pathways.
Fear of heights? Somewhat worked, but the reaction was just too slow and opened no more than 10 circuits at a time.
A swarm of cockroaches crawling on me? All of them opened, but the fluctuation of energy between each became so wack and chaotic that I think a few were on the verge of being overstrained, while some were barely used at all.
Imagining the firing of a gun? Shirou Emiya I am not, as each imaginary 'BANG' only opened a single circuit that didn't stay active for long.
Oh, but hope…isn't that just the thing powerful enough to keep one going?
A weak blister of heat; I felt it, now I just had to seize it.
For probably the last time, I sat down in the small bounded field in the middle of the room - a deliberately drawn circle meant to reject mana from outside of it, so that my circuits wouldn't immediately begin converting it into prana. Luckily, the same couldn't be said for my Od, the life force of a living being, since a Magus had to consciously draw upon that reserve to use it for Magecraft.
That 'light' began to form. My ambition; a future; my determination.
For what is humanity, but the realization of an ideal?
It was in 'sight'. And it was now within reach.
I seized it in my hand, in my-
"Grasp." The promise was uttered.
Then the heat of my soul became known.
-0-0-0-
AN: Here I am, just been hit by the truck being driven by Muse-chan. Let's see where this goes.
The Nasuverse is not a merciful place, and I've got a few ideas already written down to break the MC's hopeful state of mind. *insert evil laughter followed by cough*
...
Power fantasy? OP MC? Harem? Lemons? What're those?
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
-- Power-
Rangliste 
-- Power-
Stein