Kapitel 1: Difficulty of Life - Backstory
In the backyard of an unimportant country stood a single teenager around 17 years old, surrounded by lush greenery, and one sentence spiraled in his mind, 'What is the meaning?'. He stared at the looming dark clouds blankly.
The teenager was named Noah, by his parents Anne and James, or the Carter family. They were famous in the neighborhood for their outgoing personality and 'friendly' nature.
They got along with pretty much everyone, and because of that, everybody paid a lot of attention to their son, Noah. However, as it is evident to anyone, a close watch on a small child is not good for their development.
Pointing out mistakes a small child makes is a serious matter, the confidence one would have after that would be negligible. As his parents cared more about their image in the neighborhood than their own son, he had to take care of himself alone.
They only paid attention to him when he was quiet, and they praised him for his quiet nature and timid behavior. So, in order to receive more praise and attention, he acted that way. Timid and quiet were the qualities someone would consider when thinking about him.
One of the most significant events of his childhood was having a hernia surgically removed at the age of five. He had to lay in bed for 3 days unable to walk, and do you know how devastating that fact is for a small child, even for a quiet one?
Fortunately, he had his mother by his side, even though she usually didn't pay attention to him, now she had to. But a child is a child, that little care she had shown has become a spark that had burned for over a decade.
The spark lasted through his entire childhood as he most looked up to his mother, she was perfect in his mind. No one could compare, even though she hadn't shown him much attention.
As for his relationship with his father, it was almost non-existent. He never once said 'I love you Noah', but when someone else was there he would always say 'My son is the best' treating him like an object that could be displayed and admired by others, as Noah was good in math since kindergarten.
And generally, he began to feel like, an object, not a person. By his early teens, he started to see that he was different from others, while they were happy, sad, or angry, he was empty and always appeared calm on the outside.
Staying calm had its advantages, but the cons outweighed the pros. Others quickly noticed his lack of reaction, and, teens would be teens, started to tease him about it.
When he told his parents, they just brushed it off, saying it was just kids being kids. And as he had done previously he had to do it again, solve the problem by himself.
He somehow got the idea to fake expressions, to look more human, be more human. And after one week, they slowly stopped calling him a robot. But the nickname never left him, always staying in the back of his mind, reminding him.
By the time he was in 8th grade, Noah had already attempted to take his own life. Thankfully, he failed. He'd never said it to anybody else, but he felt like he didn't belong in this world like nobody would care if he just died.
As his days passed so did the emptiness rise, he had nothing to fill it with. So, he tried to seek counsel with his 'friend' and confided almost everything to her. And in return, she told his secrets to the whole class, turns out she was just trying to get info from him because half of the class didn't know much about him.
Four years ago, Middle School
Noah sat at his desk, staring blankly at the textbook in front of him. The chatter of his classmates faded into the background, replaced by the sound of his own thoughts, 'Why would she do that? It's not like I've done something that upset her.'
His friend Nicole sat beside him, her laughter ringing through the air. Nicole had always been there for him, or so he thought, 'I've told only her this, how can she be so cruel and share it with the whole school? Have I been wrong? Aren't we friends?'
Noah never suspected that Nicole was gathering his vulnerabilities, preparing to exploit them.
One day, after a particularly rough week, Noah confided in Nicole about his struggles and deepest fears. He believed she was his confidante, his rock.
But the next day, whispers followed him through the halls. Classmates snickered and pointed, their mocking eyes piercing his already fragile heart. Nicole had betrayed him, revealing his secrets to everyone.
'Why, Nicole? How could you do this to me?' The thought echoed painfully in his mind. He glanced at her, hoping to see some sign of remorse or guilt, but there was nothing. Her laughter, once a source of comfort, now felt like a knife twisting in his heart.
The classroom seemed to close in on him, the walls pressing down with an overwhelming weight. Noah's breathing became shallow, each breath a struggle against the tide of emotions threatening to drown him. He wanted to run, to escape the stares and whispers, but his legs felt like lead.
Nicole turned to him, her smile as bright and unaffected as ever. "Are you okay, Noah?" she asked, her voice laced with faux concern.
Noah forced himself to look at her, his eyes hardening. "How could you?" he whispered, his voice barely audible over the noise of the classroom. Nicole's smile faltered for a moment, but she quickly recovered, her expression indifferent.
"Don't be so dramatic, Noah," she replied nonchalantly. "It's just a little gossip."
Those words shattered the last pieces of his trust. The pain of her betrayal cut deep, adding to the weight of his loneliness. It was a wound that never fully healed, leaving a scar that he carried even into his new life.
With his problem with emotions exposed, he needed a strategy to overshadow everything. In his mind, it was better they knew something that wasn't true and teased him about it, than something true.
He came up with a persona, similar to a class clown, but better, he pretended to be practicing magic and diverted the attention that way. And it worked marvelously, almost too perfectly that he immersed himself into the persona that he forgot its original purpose. But it started to fill the emptiness.
Looking at his life up till now, he hasn't experienced physical abuse, but that was about to change that day. As he was standing and waiting for the class to start, his classmate walked up and out of nowhere slapped him.
His classmate Lucas, was pretty popular in their class and the whole school. He played football, had decent looks, and was smart. Noah on the other hand was a weak-looking guy, average in looks, and wasn't very bright, average at best.
After slapping Noah, Lucas stood there, puffing his chest in pride, standing like he had done the world a favor. Noah heard a loud buzzing noise in his head, and while looking around for people's reactions he wasn't surprised no one cared.
Not a single soul questioned Lucas's behavior, but to Noah was quite normal he got used to people not caring about his well-being. When the teacher came Lucas acted like nothing had happened and because of his timid nature so did Noah.
But Noah decided for the first time in his life to fight for himself. However, reality soon crushed him, as he complained to the head teacher he was left disappointed as the head teacher just shrugged her shoulders and dismissed him.
And that's when something in him snapped, 'No one would care, no one ever cares… Then why should I care', that's right he stopped caring for his own life and tried something horrible.
On a sunny day in April of that year, he stood before a crosswalk waiting for a car or a truck to pass by at higher speed. And a car did pass by, and he stepped just at the right moment. But before it hit him, the driver pressed the brakes quickly and the car stopped just before it could even touch him.
The driver immediately got out of the car and started to yell at him for almost ruining his car, showing the selfishness of humans. Seeing his attempt fail, Noah wasn't frustrated but rather disappointed.
After that Noah used every chance he got to end it, but was always stopped by something, either other people or his fear of death and what comes after.
The third big event in his life was when he was sixteen, namely when his father was diagnosed with cancer. And although he didn't love his father, he still respected him as one of his parents. But he pretended to love him, just so it could be easier for both of them.
And while there was no love between them, Noah still respected him for creating him. While Noah felt that way, his father, James, didn't feel the connection. Looking at the situation from an outsider's perspective, they were more like strangers than father and son.
As the cancer spread from his armpit to his chest, James decided to stop chemotherapy and live as long as possible without medication. Which was quite short, as he lived for about two weeks until he ultimately died, and lost the battle.
Despite the lack of love, respect remained, and Noah felt even more lost. Even in his emptiness, he felt something, sorrow and grief. The persona he had built had become shambles, full of cracks that were unfixable.
The loss he felt was like no other, and the scene of his father lying on the bed, dead and cold, will be engraved in his mind. His mother however started to act differently, she was always on her phone ignoring everybody else. Even at James' funeral, she was on her phone, texting someone.
Three weeks passed, and Noah's sorrow only deepened. But he slowly picked up the pieces and put them together, restoring a bit of persona that had shattered.
But he couldn't take it anymore, it was too much for a human to handle this situation. He needed to end it and end it quickly. So he came up with a plan, before the New Year he would write his suicide note and leave it to an acquaintance from the class.
He looked towards that day when he would end it and feel the sweet release of death. The anticipation and impatience he hadn't felt in his whole life were driving him nuts.
Finally, that day had come, the day of his death, or so he hoped. Everything was in order, and everything was planned meticulously. However, Noah, before his death wanted someone, anyone, to remember him, so he went to a school psychologist to vent out everything from his childhood, and that was his crucial mistake.
Her name was Clare Harris, that day began as any other but a student came to seek her counsel. That tiny bit in him that wanted to live had won, and he told her about his thoughts about suicide. She, to his shock, reacted with worry and immediately hugged him, but he stood there, frozen in place, unable to respond.
That comforting hug seemed to have melted the ice around his heart that even he didn't know existed. And he broke down, crying. Yes, a seventeen-year-old man, cried like a baby. But who would've blamed him, in his situation it was weird he hadn't broken down earlier.
After about an hour of crying, he finally calmed down and started to feel something, a feeling unbeknownst to him, someone else's care, 'So someone actually cared…'
A glimmer of hope appeared in his heart, that someone finally cared for his life. After a good talk, she told him if anything happens to call her be it night or day, he left for his home with a small smile, which quickly turned to a frown.
His mother had told him she had uterine cancer and would go to hospital for about two weeks. The spark that was lit years ago was still shining in the back of his heart, so he was devastated and concerned.
Although he didn't love her, she meant a lot to him. She was his mother, after all, a woman who had given birth to him. Then you can imagine the shock and betrayal he felt when he found out she was lying about the cancer.
All the previous care quickly turned into hate and disgust, as instead of coming clean about the men she had found, she lied about having cancer. For Noah, this was a turning point in his life, and he didn't want to bother others, especially Clare. So he tried again to take his life, this marks the fourth big time of his attempts.
As he was walking from school one day and listening to music, suddenly everything stopped for a moment, and a voice entered his mind, 'Just take a step to the left, everything will be over.' The voice was bewitching like in a trance-like state he started to take the step, but suddenly an image flashed in his eyes, the image of Clare, her concern for him.
So he stopped, and just at that moment a red truck drove past him at high speed. It missed him by a hair. If he had taken the step he would be no more. He got concerned about what would Clare feel about his death, he didn't want to have to burden others.
As he thought about her words, he got his phone and called her. After hearing what had happened she was shocked and immediately set an appointment for the day after because it was late and she was in a different town.
The day of the appointment he hurried to her office, and she waited for him. First, she hugged him and thanked God he was alive, then they sat down and began to discuss their next step in healing, Noah, as he truly wanted to be healed. He wanted to live, even with his multiple attempts there was an unextinguishable desire to live.
Having seen many cases like this, Clare suggested taking an important step, which would be a visit to a mental health hospital. Noah was hesitant, he knew that they would most likely hospitalize him and not let him out, but his trust in Clare's decision overpowered his hesitance and he agreed.
As Clare made a few calls she got the appointment immediately, and they left. Unknown to Noah, this was a turning point in his life, his path of healing had begun.
When they arrived at the hospital, the doctor immediately hospitalized Noah and gave him some strong antidepressants. Which in turn made him too happy and nauseous.
Noah spent ten days in the hospital, in where he'd been observed by different kinds of people, psychiatrists, psychologists, and medical students, who all gave different opinions. But all of them agreed on one thing he was getting better, he became more confident, talkative, and open.
Clare would visit every chance she got, making his boring life in the hospital a bit more engaging. They would talk about everything from his favorite books to the future he had almost given up on. Each visit felt like a lifeline, pulling him further away from the brink.
After he got out of the hospital, he was like a different person, finally able to feel emotions other than grief, sorrow, and emptiness. He was happy for the first time in his life. The school became a place of new opportunities rather than dread. He found himself more social and realized he had people who cared for his well-being: Lila, Isabela, and Ethan.
During lunch breaks, they would sit together, sharing stories and laughter. Lila, with her infectious energy, often planned weekend outings, dragging them all to local cafes or parks. Isabela, calm and wise beyond her years, always had the right words to say when Noah felt overwhelmed. Ethan, a reliable person, would study with Noah late into the night, helping him prepare for the university they all dreamed of attending.
Over the past few months, they bonded deeply, learning different things about each other. True friendship blossomed between them, and for the first time, Noah felt a sense of belonging. He was no longer alone in his struggles; he had a support system that cared for him and believed in his future.
Before, Noah had felt a tingling jealousy toward Ethan, who seemed to have everything Noah desired - a happy family, and loving and caring parents. Ethan was an all-rounded genius, excelling in academics with straight A's, coming from a supportive family, and being a respectable and reliable friend.
But that jealousy was quickly suppressed by the appreciation and respect he felt toward him. Ethan's kindness and integrity had a profound impact on Noah, making Ethan his role model. He wanted to be like him - happy.
However, the support system Noah had set up couldn't prepare him for the upcoming events that were unavoidable. While he had recovered a bit, a lifetime of trauma can't be fixed in just a few months.
When Clare said she had a brain tumor, everything he had built was destroyed in an instant. 'No, no, no, not this again. I don't want this. How can you be so cruel to me?' The thoughts spun in his mind like a relentless loop, each turn tightening the knot in his stomach.
As Clare spoke, her voice steady but eyes betraying her worry, Noah's world began to crumble. His hands trembled, and his chest felt like it was being crushed. The room seemed to shrink, suffocating him with the weight of this new reality. He had finally begun to feel happiness, only for it to be ripped away by this cruel twist of fate.
As Clare began her battle, Noah focused all his energy on studying, excelling, and finishing high school with straight A's. This diverted his attention from the looming problem of Clare's tumor. Every night, he buried himself in books, trying to push away the thoughts of her illness.
After a month, Clare was hospitalized, and Noah found himself in a dilemma. His entrance exam was the same day, and he was torn between his future and being there for Clare. Under Clare's gentle but firm persuasion, he went to the exam. "Promise me you'll do your best," she had said, her eyes filled with both pain and hope.
Immediately after the exam, Noah hurried to the hospital, his heart racing. However, he was too late. The doctors, their faces somber, told him they had done everything in their power, but the bleeding was excessive. Clare had died.
As soon as he heard the word 'died', Noah snapped. The only person who cared for him, the only person who wanted his happiness, was gone, and he wasn't there for her. She had probably been lonely, her final moments spent without the comfort of a familiar face.
Then, a voice he hadn't heard in a long time appeared in his mind, "It's all your fault." And Noah agreed with the voice. He blamed himself for choosing his future over Clare, who had helped him in his darkest moments. His hands shook, and tears blurred his vision as the weight of his guilt crushed him.
He ran to his home and locked himself in his room. Ethan, Lila, and Isabela quickly came to his house but no matter how hard they knocked or yelled Noah did not respond, they could only give up after three hours of consistent calling.
After they left, Noah slowly emerged from the house, his red eyes filled with emptiness, his hair all messy. He stood there and looked into the sky wondering, 'What is the meaning'.
No one answered him, no one could, as life has no meaning. His life has no meaning, that was what he had realized, a meaninglessness of life is truly defeating.
A mocking laugh escaped his mouth as he stared into the sky, "Hahaha" He mocked himself for believing he could be happy. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry at his situation.
He remembered Ethan's words, 'Life has meaning, you just need to find it. Everybody has a purpose, I'm certain you'll find it.' But to Noah these were meaningless, "Ethan may be perfect but he didn't live through what I've been through." A long sigh escaped Noah's mouth, it seemed to contain his guilt, blame, and despair.
Suddenly the phone rang, Noah stared at the phone in his hand, the glow of the screen reflecting the turmoil in his eyes. With trembling fingers, he answered the call, "Hello."
Ethan's voice was a mixture of relief and worry, "Guys, he picked up! Hello, Noah, thank God you picked up! We've been so worried. Don't scare us like that!"
Noah's heart ached at the concern in Ethan's voice. He took a deep breath, "Ethan, I..." He paused, his voice filled with despair, "I can't do this anymore."
Silence. Then Ethan's voice, softer now, "Noah, we've got so much ahead of us. College, life... Don't give up now."
Noah felt a tear slip down his cheek, "It's not that simple, Ethan. You still wouldn't understand… never mind. It's good that you called, are Lila and Isabela with you?"
Ethan responded in uncertainty, "Yes they are, I'll put you on speaker."
Staring at the phone, Noah mustered up the courage and said with difficulty, "I am the most thankful for you guys being there for me when it was hard when I didn't even know myself. Sincerely thank you."
Ethan's panic was palpable, "Noah, wait! We're here for you. Just hold on, we are on our way" Lila's voice overpowered Ethan's, "Don't do anything stupid! Noah, I swear to God…"
Noah closed his eyes, feeling the weight of his decision, "I'm sorry, guys. Ethan take care of Isabela and Lila for me, okay? Goodbye."
He ended the call, the echo of Ethan's desperate voice lingering in his mind. Noah took one last look at the sky, the night had already fallen but the dark clouds seemed to remain, and whispered to himself, "Maybe now, I'll find peace." He went back to his room
Noah stood at the edge of his bed, the room dimly lit by the soft glow of a bedside lamp. The silence was deafening, a stark contrast to the storm within him. He held the bottle of pills in his hand, the weight of it a tangible reminder of his decision.
Unscrewing the cap, his thoughts drifted to Clare. Her warm smile, the way she had hugged him, the genuine concern in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Clare," he whispered, his voice barely audible in the quiet room.
He poured the pills into his palm, the small, pink tablets a stark contrast against his trembling hand. One by one, he swallowed them, the bitter taste lingering on his tongue. The room seemed to close in around him, the silence growing heavier.
Lying back on his bed, Noah felt the effects of the medication begin to take hold. His thoughts grew hazy, the pain in his chest a dull, constant ache. As his vision blurred, he clung to the memory of Clare's embrace, the only warmth he had known in so long.
In his final moments, Noah's mind drifted to a place of quiet, where pain no longer reached him. The world faded away, leaving behind only the silence and the bittersweet release of his final breath.
As Ethan and the rest arrived, they urgently tried to enter, but Noah had locked the door. Ethan said, "Get back, I'm breaking down this door."
He charged at the door, succeeding on the third attempt. As it crashed open, Isabela and Lila rushed in. Hastily, they entered his room and found him lying there, a bottle of pills in his hand.
Lila yelled, "No! Isabela, call the ambulance!" She leaned close, placing her head on his chest, but there was no heartbeat. "Ethan, he isn't breathing! Do something!"
Ethan quickly placed his hand on his neck, checking his pulse, but no pulse came, "Move! I'll do compressions." Starting compressions Isabella's voice entered their ears, "They are on the way, in at most 5 minutes."
As the ambulance pulled up, paramedics rushed inside, their faces set with grim determination. They quickly assessed Noah, their movements efficient but gentle.
One paramedic, after checking for a pulse and finding none, began CPR, while his colleague prepared the AED. Minutes felt like hours. Finally, they paused, exchanging a solemn glance. "I'm so sorry," the lead paramedic said softly, "He's gone."
Ethan, Lila, and Isabela stood frozen, hope shattering into despair. The paramedic continued, his voice a blend of professionalism and empathy, "We've notified the authorities. They'll handle the next steps. If you need support, there are services we can connect you with."
Lila clutched Noah's lifeless hand, tears streaming down her face. "Noah, please…"
Ethan and Isabela stood beside her, feeling the weight of the loss. The room seemed to close in around them, filled with the echoes of their unspoken grief. Memories of Noah flooded their minds, like a movie. This day changed everything for them.
Lila broke down, her sobs wracking her body. Isabella stood there, trembling slightly, silent tears trailing down her cheeks. Ethan clenched his hands, walking up to Noah's lifeless body and staring intensely.
He walked out and, in a burst of anger and sorrow, yelled, "Noah!" He never felt so lost on what to do, that he accused himself of Noah's death. He wasn't attentive enough, he didn't care enough, he should've cared enough.
The guilt gnawed at him, each thought a dagger of regret piercing his heart. Ethan's mind replayed every moment, every missed sign, every unspoken word, amplifying his despair. He fell to his knees, his cries echoing into the night, the pain of loss and self-reproach consuming him.
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
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Rangliste 
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