Kapitel 121: Chapter Ten: Searching, Both Inside And Out
Throughout the night, Kanako had been restless. After things had gone so well with her own parents, Haruna had told her she would talk to hers. Kanako had been anxiously waiting to hear the results, but it was almost midnight, and Haruna hadn't sent so much as a thumbs-up. "I'm really starting to get worried," Kanako thought.
It was possible that the conversation was lasting for much longer than expected, but considering the nature of both Haruna's mother and father, it seemed unlikely. They were both individuals who wouldn't want to drag out a conversation, preferring to just get to the point. That was probably why Haruna was so straightforward sometimes (though Kanako wished she was like that a lot more often).
She glanced down at her phone, which was sitting on her desk next to her open history homework. She had tried to work on it, but after about 15 minutes, she gave up due to her complete lack of concentration. But, with nothing to do, all Kanako was left with were her feelings to dwell on. Several times already, she had thought about texting or calling Haruna to get an update, but a part of her felt like that would be an insult to her efforts. "Once she's achieved her goal, she'll tell me," Kanako kept telling herself.
However, as the hours passed, that belief was dwindling, and now, Kanako repeatedly kept looking at her phone, wondering more and more if she should just ask. "Well…" she thought. "O-One call wouldn't be so bad, right?" So, with her previous resolution cast aside, she picked up her phone, found Haruna's number, and pressed the call button.
One ring sounded off, then shortly after, another did. While Haruna was never one to answer immediately (other than last night), she usually didn't let the phone ring for long. That was why, with each additional ring, Kanako became more and more concerned. Eventually, there was a click, but just as Kanako opened her mouth to speak, she was met with the robotic speech of the answering machine. There was really no real need to leave a message, so she simply hung up before sitting down on the edge of her bed.
"She didn't answer…" she muttered to herself. Considering the hour, Kanako thought Haruna might just be asleep. They did have school the next day, after all. But, something about it didn't sit right with her. "I wish I could just go over there right now to find out..." she thought.
Had something happened? That was Kanako's first worry. There had been no guarantee that Haruna's talk would go well, but Kanako had always believed Haruna's parents were reasonable people. They weren't quite as frivolous as her own parents, and they had sometimes been tough on Haruna, but Kanako had never thought they were bad people. As long as Haruna explained her situation to them, Kanako thought that they would understand.
Just like anything else though, there was the opposite outcome. If Haruna had no chance to explain, then there was the chance that her parents wouldn't accept their relationship. Or, if Haruna explained poorly, a similar outcome would occur. When Kanako thought about that, her worries increased further. She desperately wanted to go to Haruna's house and find out what was going on, but she couldn't.
At this point, it was past midnight. School was coming the next morning, so Kanako decided she'd have to wait until then. They always met up in the mornings, so it wasn't as if the wait would be long. So, slipping out of her current clothes into her pink pajamas, Kanako went through her nighttime routine before finally crawling into bed.
Unfortunately, she was wide awake. How could she possibly sleep when she was this worried about Haruna? With no answers to any of her questions, all she could do was imagine, which only gave birth to worse and worse scenarios in her head. She put a stop to it with a rapid shake of her head after she imagined Haruna running off, only to come back ten years later with vengeance in her heart as she decimated those who had betrayed her. "Okay, now my mind is wandering too far," Kanako sighed to herself. Admittedly, she thought Haruna would look cool with a thirst for blood in her eyes, but if that actually became reality, it would also probably be pretty scary and sad.
Trying to refocus her mind, Kanako did her best to try to relax. She tried breathing in different ways, letting loose the tension in her body, and in a desperate attempt at sleep, she tried counting sheep. Weirdly though, after about five or six sheep, they began to look more like Chiyo than the fluffy animals.
"Ugh…" Kanako groaned. She grabbed her pillow out from under her and fwumped it over her face. "Harunaaaa…" she said, muffled by the fabric over her mouth. "If I fall asleep during class tomorrow, it's definitely her fault."
*****
When morning came, Kanako got ready quicker than usual, dashing out the door with only a short "Bye!" to her mother, who was running late. Naturally, her haste was due to wanting to see Haruna, but as she approached the Endo house, she again began to feel like something was wrong. Knocking on the door, she stood and waited for an answer, but none came.
Kanako peered into the windows. As best as she could see, no one was inside. "Maybe Haruna is still asleep?" she wondered. Kanako knocked again, this time with a bit more force, but still, nothing. Taking out her phone, she tried calling Haruna, but that only brought the same result as last night.
"…"
Kanako stared in silence at the door in front of her. She had no idea what to make of the situation. Haruna oversleeping wasn't impossible, and if she was still asleep, that would explain her missing Kanako's calls. But… something told Kanako that Haruna wasn't even home. Whether it was a premonition born from past experience or girlfriend intuition, Kanako didn't know, but she was certain that something was not right.
Unfortunately, all she could do at the moment was go to school. With a last-ditch effort, Kanako had tried the door, but it was locked. In a way, that was good. The last thing she needed was to be caught trespassing. So, walking away from the house, she made her way down the walkway and to the road.
The journey to school felt especially long. Usually, she and Haruna would talk about all sorts of things along the way, causing the walk to feel much shorter. Kanako always felt like it was too slow, wishing she could draw out her time together with Haruna for as long as possible. There were even times she'd slow down a bit on purpose, just to get even a minute more with her love.
But, with no one to keep her company, the road seemed to stretch on for miles. With each step she took, it felt like two were added ahead of her. Little by little, she was losing her motivation to even keep going. Was there even a point to making this journey if Haruna wasn't with her?
Kanako stopped, realizing what she was thinking. "...Just how much is Haruna a part of my life?" she wondered. Just with her absence, Kanako had lost the will to go to school. Did that even make sense? Love was a strong emotion, but could it really be so impactful? If so, Kanako found that a bit concerning. What if Haruna were gone for days? Did that mean Kanako would cease to function?
Just as she was processing her potentially incoming debilitation, she heard a voice call her name. "Kanaaa-chan!" Chiyo said as she rushed up to the girl. Turning around, Kanako saw her. The sight of the ever-reliable gyaru made Kanako melt. "C-C-C-Chiyo…" she cried. "Whoa! What the-? Kana-chan?!" Chiyo panicked, confused by the girl in front of her suddenly in tears.
After taking a moment to calm down, Kanako explained. When she finished, Chiyo didn't say anything, only looked up to the sky. "Idiot…" she muttered. Knowing Haruna as well as she did, she was sure she knew what had happened. "I bet she ran off somewhere…" Chiyo thought, annoyed. "I swear, one thing goes wrong, she flies off like a bird for winter."
Of course, there was no way for Chiyo to know what exactly had happened to Haruna, but she felt like her run-away idea was probably right. "C-Chiyo?" Kanako called, bringing the gal back out of thought. "H-Haruna didn't, um… go to your place, did she?" "Sorry Kana-chan," Chiyo said with disappointment. "Haru-chi isn't at my house." "I see…" Kanako said, sounding depressed. "Where do you think she is? I really doubt she's at home still asleep…"
Chiyo gave it some thought, but in the end, she came up with nothing. "I wish I knew," she said with a sigh. "But Iwanai is pretty small. Unless she took a bus to Sapporo or somethin', we should be able to find her real fast." "I guess you're right…" Kanako said. "It's possible too that her parents took her somewhere," Chiyo suggested. "T-Took?!" Kanako exclaimed. "W-Where'd they take her?! Is it far away? Am I never going to see Haruna again?!" "Geez Kana-chan, chill!" Chiyo said, bopping her on the head. "Man, if I knew you'd get like this without Haru-chi, I would've insisted me or you was with her when she talked to her mom and dad."
"Wait, you knew about that before I told you?" Kanako asked. "Of course I did!" Chiyo said, looking proud. "Haru-chi's my bestie, after all! She tells me everything!" "T-That's true…" Kanako said. "Although…" Chiyo continued. "I feel like I wasn't able to help her much." "I know how you feel…" Kanako sighed. With Haruna missing and no way to know why, both girls were beginning to feel guilty for not being more help.
"...I'm sure she's fine, Kana-chan," Chiyo said, trying to lift both of their spirits. "Yeah…" Kanako said, though she was still plenty worried. In the end, all they could do was hope for the best, so when they reached the school building, they went inside. As they did, Kanako noticed that Chiyo was looking around a lot, whipping her head in every direction. "Um, Chiyo?" Kanako asked. "W-What are you doing?" "Huh? Oh, uh, nothing! Nothing at all!" Chiyo blustered.
Kanako thought that was weird, but when they arrived in class and the teacher began taking attendance, she put the pieces together. Along with Haruna being absent (which drew a comment from the teacher, wondering why multiple students were already skipping), Michi continued to be absent as well. This marked three days in a row.
While she couldn't see Chiyo's face from her own seat, she knew it wasn't a happy expression. Just as she was wondering, she saw Chiyo turn to her side, glancing at the desk that belonged to Michi. Her face looked heartbroken, and there was a clear sense of longing in her eyes. Kanako saw her mouth something, and she did her best to make out what it was.
Mi-chan.
That had to be it. Just like Kanako, it seemed that the most Chiyo could do was utter the name of the girl she loved. Although, while Kanako didn't know all the details, she knew that her situation was different from Chiyo's. She wanted to help with that, but with her own relationship with Michi being as bad as it was, there wasn't much she could do either. "Am I really this useless?" Kanako began to wonder.
She couldn't help Chiyo because of her own problems, and she couldn't solve her own problems because she didn't know anything. With each thing building on the other, Kanako could feel her helplessness building as well.
*****
Chiyo stared at the desk next to her. It was as if the longer she looked, the more her guilt grew. "Mi-chan, it's already been three days…" she thought. "When are you coming back?" The gal was beginning to worry about Michi's attendance rate. While it was true third-years only had to show up a certain amount, missing a lot of days right at the start would just create unnecessary stress later. And, if Michi kept missing days like she was, it was possible she'd miss the attendance mark before the year was even over, with no chance to recover.
Of course, that was an extreme case, as it would take missing weeks in a row for something like that to happen. Still, Chiyo found herself concerned. She didn't regret that she had confronted Michi for what she had said to her, but… she did regret how she had handled it. Saying such harsh words weren't going to solve anything, and striking her certainly wouldn't make it any better. Chiyo had done both, calling her awful and slapping her. With how fragile their relationship felt at times, it made Chiyo wonder if there was really any chance of fixing the damage.
But, if she saw Michi again, what would she say? "I'm sorry," seemed like a good start, but it wasn't nearly enough in Chiyo's opinion. In a typical romance, after making up from a big fight, that might be the moment to confess. The confesser could use the fight to their advantage, explaining that they reacted the way they did because they loved the other person. However, Chiyo's case was all but typical. "I feel like even if I were a guy and Mi-chan was a girl, she still wouldn't accept my feelings," she thought.
The biggest hurdle, of course, was the issue of them both being girls, and Michi's aversion to the idea, but now it seemed like something deeper was taking root. Chiyo thought that even if Michi understood what was going on, it still might not help the situation because the core of the issue was something else entirely.
What if Michi saw what Chiyo did as a betrayal? She had watched how Michi had reacted to Kanako reconnecting with Haruna. Taking into consideration what she herself had done, which was probably a lot worse, how did Chiyo's actions register in Michi's mind? Certainly negative, but to what extent? Was it so far as to warrant cutting ties completely?
When she thought of it that way, Chiyo felt a wave of sadness wash over her. A life without Michi… it was practically unthinkable for her at this point. Sure, she hadn't even known the girl for a year yet, but the time she had spent together with her had already felt like several. The joy she got out of just being with Michi was enough to fill her heart for days at a time. If that joy were taken away, what would Chiyo be left with? Most likely, the empty void she had been trying to fill for so long with a long line of men and falsely warm sheets.
Would Chiyo go back to that lifestyle without Michi? Honestly, she doubted it. Now that she had gotten something better to pursue, the idea of sleeping around with a bunch of strangers just turned her off. Really, looking back on how she had been living her life before Michi nearly made her sick. It had been the life of a deadbeat, worthless adult, lived through the body of a child. If she let herself, Chiyo could get sucked into a downward spiral from reflecting on her past.
So, she always did her best not to think about it. She knew she'd have to face it eventually, but for now, Chiyo was content with simply chasing after Michi. But, if the object of her affections wasn't even present, then…
As class went on, Chiyo's gaze constantly drifted to the empty seat beside her. School just wasn't the same without Michi. Her life wasn't the same without Michi. "But how can I get her to be back with me?" Chiyo wondered. Their last encounter had been poor, to say the least. "What can I do to get her to listen?"
She kept thinking, mulling that question over and over in her mind. Chiyo hoped she could find an answer, but at the moment, she couldn't come up with anything. And now, on top of that, her best friend had supposedly become a run-away. "Seriously, where did you go Haru-chi?" Chiyo wondered.
She had called her an idiot earlier because it felt like she never learned, but it was also because Chiyo was frustrated. They were best friends, weren't they? If that was the case, then why didn't Haruna go to Chiyo? The gal could understand Haruna not going directly to Kanako, considering the situation was partially about her, but what about Chiyo? If it was such a big problem that Haruna thought running away was the best option, couldn't she at least run to someone who supported her?
Her crush was mad at her, and her best friend was nowhere to be found. "I guess that saying really is true," Chiyo thought with a sigh. "When it rains, it pours."
*****
On the morning of her third day of skipping school, Michi stood over a pot as it began to boil. She was in the midst of making breakfast for herself, but like the other days, she doubted she would enjoy the flavor much. The reason? Being the honor student that she was, it made Michi feel kinda bad for not attending school for no good reason. That feeling had apparently also infected her tastes buds, as everything she had eaten recently had tasted bland.
She stirred the contents of the pot once before putting a lid over it. While it looked like a fluid motion, it was really more mechanical in nature, as Michi was hardly thinking about what she was doing in the kitchen. Instead, her mind kept drifting back to the moment it felt like her life had come to a screeching halt.
No matter how much time passed, Michi swore she could still feel Chiyo's hand striking her face. It had been so fast, but the impact it made was permanently engrained into Michi's cheek. Every now and then she would catch herself bringing her own hand up to touch the spot Chiyo's had. That moment had been such a shock that Michi had had no idea how to process it. But, with the time that had passed, a variety of emotions and questions had come to Michi's mind.
To start with, she had put plenty of thought into the slap she had received. Aside from wanting to know the reason why, there had been something else bothering her about it. Usually, when one person's hand, foot, or other body part came flying at another person, it was all about anger. Person A says something mean, Person B punches them in the face. It was a simple enough concept. However, whenever Michi thought back on her own experience, she somehow knew that anger wasn't the only thing present. Chiyo had certainly been mad, but beyond that, what was it that she had been feeling? Sadness was one possibility. Pain, if that could be counted as an emotion. Disappointment.
And yet, for all those possibilities, there was one that Michi kept coming back to. When she first looked back at Chiyo after being slapped, it hadn't been any of those emotions or feelings that she had seen in the gal's eyes. Rather, it had been one she hadn't expected at all, and even now, she still didn't understand why it had appeared so strongly.
Regret.
Did Chiyo regret slapping Michi? Michi had no idea. Logically, one person hitting another usually resulted in the attacker feeling some amount of remorse, but Michi had a hard time seeing it that way. Chiyo had made the active decision to hit her. Why would she feel regretful about that?
But, even as Michi considered that option, she felt like it wasn't right. Whether or not Chiyo regretted her actions had nothing to do with it. More so, it seemed like the issue was something deeper. When Michi had looked at Chiyo, that expression of hers had told her something. "Why…?" it had said, but even Michi could tell the question was incomplete. So, her own question became, "Why… what?" What was the rest of that question? Why did you say that? Why did you expect to me to agree with you? Why did I…
Michi froze, like she was onto something. For some reason, something inside of her told her she was on the right track. Instead of the question being directed at her, it was directed more at Chiyo herself. "Why did I…?" had to be what the gal was going for. But, what was the rest? For a moment, Michi thought about it. A couple of possibilities came to mind, but each one sounded more ridiculous than the last. Or, perhaps ridiculous wasn't quite the right word. Rather, it was more like they were unacceptable.
With her dish complete, Michi got out a ladle, scooped some of the contents into a bowl she had taken out, and moved to sit at the table in the corner of her apartment. If someone took a picture at that moment, it would've appeared that the girl of the apartment was quite lonely. And, perhaps without realizing it, maybe she was. With friend not here nor there, all she could do was eat her breakfast of a quick soup and some previously-made rice alone.
The silence was oddly deafening. Eating alone was nothing unusual for Michi. Having lived on her own for several years now, and even before that, essentially being on her own, eating was often a solo affair. However, when compared to the fact that she would normally be eating with friends at school, even if it was only for lunch, it emphasized her loneliness that much more. With each clink of her spoon on the bowl, Michi felt her appetite dropping even lower.
"This is disgusting…" she muttered, choking down the food she made. She was sure it was made correctly, but her mood was destroying the flavor. Somehow, she managed to finish it all. Taking care of her dishes, she moved from the kitchen to the living room before throwing herself down on the couch. Despite having just ate, Michi had no energy.
Why did everything seem so… boring? That was another question that Michi had thought about recently. Had her life always been lacking like this? It felt like even if she were to hang out with some friends, she still wouldn't be able to shake the feeling of being bored.
...Was Chiyo really such a big part of her life? The only possible conclusion Michi could come to was that things were boring without the gal around to bother her. "That's just so…" she muttered, not bothering to finish her sentence. "Why would I want her around? All she does is annoy me. Drags me around… spends time with me…"
Ordinarily, this would be the part where the person would say something like, "I miss her," or "I wish she was here." But, for a girl like Michi, who was more stubborn than the stubborn-est of mules, she went with something completely different: "Why did she have to show up?"
"Why did she have to barge into my life?"
"Why did she have to make me not hate her?"
"Why did she have to wreak havoc on me?"
"Why… couldn't she just… agree with me?"
And that, was the core of it all. If Chiyo had just agreed with Michi about Haruna and Kanako's relationship, then surely none of this would've been happening. Instead of skipping school like a deviant, Michi would be at Iwanai High. Not admitting it, she'd be looking forward to lunch with Chiyo. While she would act annoyed, the walk home with the gal would probably end up being the highlight of her day. But, none of that was happening.
Rather than be at school, she was home. Alone. Rather than eating together, she was eating alone. Rather than a walk with someone else, she remained stationary. Alone. Every aspect of her current situation seemed to emphasize how alone Michi was. And, maybe, that was what frustrated her the most. A year prior, she had had friends and a fun life. Now, she felt more like an outcast.
Who could she blame? Haruna, for ruining her friendship with Kanako? Kanako, for refusing to listen to her? Chiyo, for simply doing as she pleased? Or… no, there wasn't even an "or" to speak of. Even with all of her stubbornness, Michi couldn't deny the singular truth that she was responsible for her own life's destruction. She still put some blame on others, but she had to accept some of it for herself as well.
However, accepting blame and changing her mind were two separate things. She couldn't help that she hated Haruna for what she had done. She couldn't help being upset with Kanako for ignoring and betraying her. She couldn't help wanting a person on her side. Why did it seem like only her feelings were unfair?
Michi was treated as the villain by Kanako for hating Haruna. Haruna thought she was evil for getting in the way. And Chiyo… thought she was awful. At the very least, she had said as much last time they spoke. That, perhaps, was what had caused the deepest wound. Chiyo, the girl who was beginning to seem like she'd always be on Michi's side, left her.
"Why…" Michi uttered weakly. "Why am I always the bad guy? Why does it have to be me? Why am I not allowed to be right?" The questions began to pour out of her mouth into the air of the empty room. "She said I was awful. What's so awful about how I feel? Just because I find that ridiculous relationship that Kana-chan and Endo-san have gross? It's not like I did anything wrong. It's just how I feel! So why did she have to say that? Why couldn't Chiyo just agree with me instead of treating me like I'm the villain?!"
Michi didn't understand, and even if she could, she probably would've refused to. For her, Kanako and Haruna's relationship was wrong. It was that simple. There shouldn't exist a way for it to be otherwise. And if Chiyo was taking that side, the side that Michi deemed impossible and wrong, then that meant betrayal as well. "First Kana-chan, and now Chiyo…" she muttered darkly.
Through repeated failure and force, Michi had come to accept partial blame. Kanako had left her because Michi had been so angry about Kanako's decision. Haruna had taken advantage of that. When it came to Chiyo though, Michi was lost. Or, was she? Perhaps it wasn't so much that she was lost as much as it was she wanted to bury the possibilities she didn't like. Though, it seemed like no matter how much metaphorical dirt she threw on them, one or two always rose to the surface now and then. As expected, Michi would push back as hard as she could until they were reburied, but there was no way to erase them completely.
It was because of that that Michi had wanted to put some distance between herself and Chiyo, and now that felt even more appropriate considering how Chiyo had attacked her. "Why would I want to be around someone who won't be on my side?" Michi thought selfishly. "She'd probably just betray me again."
Yet again, one step forward and two steps back. A part of Michi could see the absurdity of it all, but that too got buried. "What kind of friend is she anyways?" Michi spat bitterly. "All she ever does is what she wants, and I just get dragged into it. Honestly, I feel more like a toy than a person with her. She messes with me all the time, her tastes are weird, and she has no sense of personal space…"
Then, in her angered, irritated, bitter state, Michi thought something that had the potential to cause serious damage. "...I don't need her. I'll cut her out completely. I should've just stuck to my initial instincts about her in the first place. Friends? How stupid was I to believe that? I don't like her at all."
"I hate her."
End of Chapter Ten.
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
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