Kapitel 4: Why me?
I woke up to the stream of morning light peeping through our curtains. Sooyong-eonnie was still warmly cuddled in her blanket and pillow nest. Somehow, the memories of yesterday's meeting was like ages ago. I still couldn't believe that I was in the same meeting room as the Bangtan Sonyeondan. And I still haven't accepted the reality that we will be with them during practice and classes. Wow! What good did I do in my past life for me to have such good karma? I must've saved the world or something. Oh well, I won't complain. This is the best thing that has ever happened in my whole 18 yrs of existence.
It's Saturday. Aside from one class at uni, we rarely do anything extra on Saturdays. Well we just have the usual session at the gym, and voice class. It's a bummer though, we won't be with the sunbaes today. They have an out of town schedule and we were informed they will be out the whole day. I wonder if they had enough rest though? They actually still had a fansign after our meeting yesterday and they just came from shooting for a music show hours before. Just thinking that we will be on the same boat as them once we debut makes me fear the future. The sleepless days, almost having no time to eat a proper meal or take a nap. The endless travels in company vans, being ushered into the make up chair half asleep.
Ugh! Why am I thinking this way? I wanted this. I've had myself kicked out of the house for this dream. This is not the time to second-guess my life choices. As if my parents are not happy I'm out of their lives now. As if it will make a difference when most of the time they don't even care if I'm still breathing.
I feel myself feeling warmer not because of the morning heat but because of my anger brewing. Just thinking about them triggers all the bad feelings and I still have a long way into making peace with the fact that my parents don't want anything to do with me. I need to brush off the negative feelings before they destroy my day so I stood up and made way to our bathroom for my morning routine.
I took my brush and gently ran it through my hair to detangle them. I always found combing quite relaxing and I can feel my muscles calming down with the sensation. I've been doing this ever since I became a trainee replacing my night combing routine with a morning one because I was always too exhausted coming home from dance practice that I neglect my hair to make way for my beauty regimen. Just like everyday, I started humming to the vocalization that I've memorized, making myself ready for the day ahead. My uni class starts quite early on Saturdays so I went in for a warm shower. That always wakes me up and calms me down at same time. Weird, right?
"Eunjung-ah…." Sooyong-eonnie's finally awake but I'm pretty sure she's seated on the toilet right now. She has this very weird body clock that makes her poop as soon as she wakes up.
"Ne, Eomma?"
"Just checking on you. You're preparing for uni?" I am not really sure if she's fully awake yet. I think she spent all her energy yesterday. Bangtan were not the only ones who had a busy day, we had dance recital and we were able to meet other trainees from other companies. The crowd they were able to gather was fantastic and as I can say with their feedback after the show, I think we were able to fish a number of new fans.
"Ne, eomma. Are you staying home?"
"Nah, I need to prepare for school too. We have a group project due for Monday so I would need to meet up with my classmates."
"Ah, I see. Eomma, can you hand me the towel please?" And I wait for her slender fingers to peep through the shower curtain. "Thank you unnie."
"What did you call me?" Ahahaha. She's really taken a liking to our little endearment.
"Eomma. I said, Eomma." I said in a sing-song one and I heard her hum of approval as I dried my hair.
Just like everyday, I covered myself with the towel and securely tucked one end on my chest then made my way to brush my teeth. Sooyong eonnie found this cool watermelon flavored toothpaste and…
"WHAT THE FREAKING HELL?!" I think eonnie almost fell from where she's seated at the toilet but hell do I care about that. I suddenly feel my head swell and my tummy threatening to gorge out everything I ate the night before. This is so not happening...
"Yah! What are you shouting for?!" Eonnie asked as my toothbrush fell from my mouth, clinking on the sink. That red is certainly staring at me as if mocking me. "Eunjung-ah, what's wrong?"
"No… Noooo… Tell me this is not true." As if that will make it go away. I start wiping it away with my hands, trying to will it into nothingness. What the fuck is wrong with this world?! Why the hell won't it come the fuck off?!
"Eunjung-ah! What are you doing?! What's going on?" Eonnie whisked me around to face her and I guess my face said it all as I watched her face contort in both worry and shock. "Eunjung… this…"
"This can't be eonnie. Please tell me you see a white string and not red. Please." She made a face that confirmed my fear. Really, universe?! Of all the people that you will turn into an energy leech, you chose me! Me?!
This girl who spent all her life alone because my goddamn parents can't stop being all over each other. Whenever they're home, they would just close themselves in their room leaving me to take care of myself. Well not really by myself. Because we had the means, I had nannies bring me up as a kid. They were kind enough to treat me well, always making sure that I have everything I may need and want. But it's still nothing compared to being loved by my own parents. In the rare times my mom gets to touch me, which I can count with my hands, she always told me that I feel lifeless and cold and distant. And I always thought of it as truth until I met my bestfriend.
I am that little girl who had a hard time learning to talk because yeah, I only had my room full of toys and no one to play with. Yeah, I had my nannies but they have been using childtalk with me that I never really knew how to talk until I went to school for it.
The very same person who has been neglected by freaking SOULMATES! And now,… NOW… I AM BEING FORCED INTO THE SAME LIFE?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!
I felt my cheek go hot and screaming pierced my ears. "CHO EUNJUNG! YOU COME BACK TO ME THIS INSTANT!" I lost all of my anger as my now focused eyes saw tears falling from Sooyong-eonnie's face. Oh God! I blanked out on her. And as soon as I allowed myself to feel, I realized the thing I hated the most is now happening to me. My chest constricted, a normal thing during one of my panic attacks. The world is blurring around me again. Shit!
"EUNJUNG! EUNJUNG-AH!" The last thing I heard were thuds of feet going out of our room as eonnie screamed for our leader to wake the fuck up.
The next thing I know, I was in my bed, completely clothed in my favorite Ryan PJs. As I tried to stretch, I found that my arms were fixed on the bed with Yuri and Hyunju sleeping over them. Yuri slowly lifted her head, she is such a light sleeper.
"Eonnie, you're awake." She looks cute being half asleep like that, she looks more like a cat with those crescent slits for eyes.
"Yes." Not sure she really heard me because she was slowly repositioning herself to sleep but then she suddenly shot straight up.
"Eonnie! Eonnie! Guys!!!! Eunjung-eonnie's awake!!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, like a siren announcing my rising.
A pair of running footsteps and a few seconds later, three heads poked inside my room. Wait, three heads? Why are there three heads? I'm looking at Hyunju and Yuri on my bedside so there should only be Jin Ju and Sooyong eonnie. I refocused my eyes and found, bundled in between my eonnies was another favorite person, Choonhee. But why is she here? I don't remember calling her about a meet up today and wait, isn't it Saturday? I should be at school and what was Yuri screaming about?
"Jungie…" Why is Choonhee using that tone today? Is something wrong?
"You look like you're about to cry. What's up?" My attempt at lightening the mood only made all of them look sullen. What the hell is wrong?
"Eunjung-ah, this morning…"
And as if on cue the events of this morning flashed back in my head. I lifted my right hand, still unyielding to the truth of my situation. I let out a sarcastic chuckle as the red string attached on my right ring finger screamed it's existence to me. Yeah, everything that happened this morning was real. My soulmate and I managed to create the First Sight yesterday and now, I am also on the clock to find the other leech who would need to stick to me so we can both live. Grand! This is all just grand!
"You okay?" I know she already knows, the red of the string is strikingly obvious with my pale skin. I guess she just wants me to verbalize it.
"Choonhee-ah, I honestly don't know what to feel about this. You know I hate the fact that soulmates exist right?" All of them were cowering with every word I was saying. I am seething in anger and I have no one to blame but fate itself. I can't lash out on my sisters. They deserve better.
"Eunjung-ah, I know you've had a tough time with your parents but I don't believe everyone's like them. You can create your own life with your soulmate." Why was it that I expected Sooyong-eonnie to say that?
"If I can find him that is." I think I broke all of them. Their faces lost all color, most likely realizing what will happen if I don't find my mate. I heard a sniff from beside me and the next thing I know I'm being enclosed in a cage of arms in a big warm hug. These girls, they really know how to thaw my cold heart.
"Don't you dare die on us, Eunjung or I will kill you again and again until you decide to just live again! We will find that boy or man or whoever that person is." Jin Ju eonnie's quite rattled if she's spewing nonsense like that.
"But how will we find your mate? We met with a lot of people yesterday." I'm thankful that Hyunju always keeps her cool in these situations. However, I can clearly see a pool of tears in her eyes. I can understand her worry, her fear. I'm basically a ticking time bomb and if they can't diffuse me in time, all their dreams will backtrack a few years. All the hardwork, the tiring days, sleepless nights, all will be for nothing.
"I'll call Byung Ho oppa. We need to coordinate with the company. I'm sure they'll help us." And just like that Jin ju eonnie stepped out of my room, phone on her ear.
"But, have you guys realized this yet." I think Yuri's mind is wandering again. That blank look she has right now means her ten braincells are working overtime. Okay, that was mean but hell this kid can't even do addition to save her life.
"What?"
"We met Bangtan yesterday Eonnie. What if it's one of them?"
My heart suddenly thumped harder and faster in my chest. Shit! It is possible, right? But did I lock eyes with any of them? I don't specifically remember having the courage to look up… Oh, Yoongi. I can still remember those black orbs looking back at me with that goddamn sexy smirk. But nah! That's a long shot. A miracle even. I locked eyes with fans and other idols yesterday.
"Oh my God Eunjung-ah! You locked eyes with Yoongi-ssi yesterday, right?" Ugh! Really Hyunju?! You just had to remind everyone how I made a fool of myself at the meeting.
"Jungie! Is this true?! Why did I not hear of this yet?" Ofcourse, Choonhee would definitely want to hear about Bangtan, being an ARMY herself.
"It all happened so fast Choonhee. We were just informed yesterday that we will be working alongside BigHit and BTS in an experimental project to help trainees from small companies, then we had a meeting and next thing I know, I was already swimming in the endless sea of Min Yoongi's black eyes." Wow! I have never realized I'd be so whipped for Suga-sunbae. I think I'll switch biases now but Namjoon-oppa also looked so manly yesterday. And damn, his legs really go on for miles! He's really tall!
"What the hell?! Endless sea of Min Yoongi's black eyes?! YOU REALLY LOCKED EYES WITH THE AGUST D? THE MIN YOONGI?!" Oh yeah, she's an ultimate Yoongi stan. She adores Yoongi-sunbae so much I wonder if she may have already created a cult in worship of him.
"Yes, Choonhee-ah. I locked eyes with THE MIN YOONGI. He started it though and I actually blanked out when I looked up at him that I ended up missing what he was trying to ask me and it was so obvious that everyone ended up laughing at me." I can feel the hot blush forming in my cheeks again, I can still clearly see his lips and hear his deep voice in my head.
I heard small giggles coming from all of them but we were all shut when Jin ju stepped back into the room.
"Guys, come on. Byung Ho oppa will be here in a few minutes Jess PDnim wants to see us or specifically, wants to see Eunjung."
Everyone muttered nervous approvals before marching to their own rooms to fix themselves. Sooyong went ahead and occupied our bath. I was left with Choonhee who's been looking at me like she'll start bawling any time soon.
"It's fine Hee-ah. I'm still here." I tried to placate her but it seems like it's more for myself than for her.
"I'm just as surprised as you are Jungie. I know how bad you might be feeling right now."
I basically grew up with Choonhee. We lived in the same neighborhood and we became friends at play school. She was the first kid who approached me eventhough I wasn't talking. She basically tapped my shoulder and introduced herself to me with that toothy grin of hers and eventhough I didn't really converse with her, she happily shares details of her day with me. The other kids actually found her weird just because she was talking me but she didn't mind. She kept on coming to me during play time and made sure she was holding my hand during nap time. I can still remember the first time I called her name, the way she cried with glee because she finally heard my voice. She was so proud of me that day telling all the teachers that Eunjung was finally speaking.
By grade school, she asked her parents if she can be enrolled in the same school as I am. Yeah, she just refused to let me out of her sight and we became inseparable. We spent lots of nights together in our PJs in her room since her family basically already adopted me. My parents couldn't care less that I wasn't at home most days and I couldn't be happier because Choonhee's mom liked having me around. They always made sure I was smiling and I felt like I was really in a real family with them.
Choonhee was also the only person who had first hand encounter with my parents. They didn't even bother batting an eye at a stranger who was in our home. At first, Choonhee found it really weird the way my parents treated me. But when I told her what they were it seemed like she understood and didn't ask much about them. Staying with her family made me so happy and sad at the same time. If my parents weren't soulmates, will they actually love me? Will I also live the same life as Choonhee? Being cared for and cherished?
Choonhee has always been with me. She knew everything about me and she has always done everything she can to make me feel loved. She was and still is my sunshine. She even let me stay in her pad for a couple of months when I my parents kicked me out because they thought my dream was stupid. It was just until I got confirmation that I got into JG entertainment but those months were the happiest months of my life. I felt free. And all of that was thanks to Choonhe's unwavering support for me. She is my number one fan. The only person who believed that I can reach my own dreams. So, I know how much she must be worried right now.
"I know this will put you in a roller coaster again and I just don't want you getting hurt. God! You've been through so much already and you're so close to debut and I don't want all of your hard work to go to waste just because of this freaking soulmate business." Yup, she's obviously upset. It wasn't only once she heard how my parents dismiss me at home. I still remember her crying over it and me comforting her, instead of the other way around. I'm surprised she's not yet crying right now.
"Hee-ah, just like what my sisters said, everything will be okay. The company will surely take care of me. Jess PDnim is a good person and she puts our welfare first over anything else so I'm sure she'll find a way." Her tears are welling now but she sniffs and wipe them away.
"I believe in her. Remember, I talked to her about you when you signed your contract? I think she's a genuine person and given that Bang PDnim allowed you guys to work with their premium artists, it means she has the same values as him.
I just sighed. I really can't do anything about it anyway. All I can hope is for my mate to find me or for me to find him before we both die.
"I hope I find him soon Choonhee. I think fate is really not on my side."
"What do you mean?"
I raise my hand up to her and all the tears she tried to stop flowed down her cheeks.
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
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