Kapitel 2: Born To Be Perfect

All my life, I was always taught to be perfect. Have a straight back, slow gestures, a soft voice, and the right words to flatter the ego. Have white teeth to look beautiful in photos, smile appropriately, and stand with elegance without vulgarity. I was supposed to be the woman every man dreams of, and the one every woman envies. I always earned :"You are perfect, Sujin." I was taught to be sublime and always presentable so that one day I could find the ideal husband, and that didn't bother me, after all, I never wanted to work in my life. Shopping, putting on makeup, spending... my life suits me this way.

My father always treated me like a queen, the only child and apple of his eye that I was. He offered me everything on a golden platter: my studies, my apartment, my travels, and even my future husband. Do you know the expression: "born in the same cradle"? That's what we both are, destined from birth. I thought that being promised to a rich and handsome young man would fulfill me, but the more I grew up, the more I felt that this truth was imprisoning me, preventing me from living my life as a young and beautiful girl. So, I left. I left everything behind and went to live in the United States to build a new life with my savings.

Obviously, being a perfect bourgeois girl, all I did with my money was spend it without thinking about tomorrow. How could I blame myself? I had always lived in luxury without worrying about my expenses. But one day, all my savings were gone. And to maintain my luxury, I had to work at night. At first, I just accompanied old rich men to drink and dance, but then I met Walter. He was divorced, a millionaire, and in his forties. Walter had everything of the perfect man; he took me to chic places, introduced me to the New York jet set, and gave me diamonds, rhinestones, and glitter. Everything was like a fairy tale, until the day I told him I was pregnant and he needed to marry me. That's when he revealed his true self, a married man and deeply in debt. He had thrown powder in my eyes, and everything he offered, well, it all belonged to his wife. One day, she showed up at my place to take everything back. I was audacious, humiliated. I was pregnant, alone, and helpless. With no one to turn to, I finally decided to go back to Beijing to the only help I had left.

My friends? Marionettes of happy days, they abandoned me the moment they learned about my situation, real bastards. I asked for help many times, and all I got were cowardly refusals. I was disgusted with the world, with life, and with men. So I returned to my father's arms; he could never abandon me. He wasn't like my mother, who treated me like a perfect harlot begging for help; she was just like her mother. She didn't love me; I wasn't the child she had hoped for, I could see it in her disdainful look.

When I returned to Beijing, they hid everything from me, and my father made sure people believed I was still in the United States; no one should ever learn about my unwanted pregnancy. I was so disgusted with myself; this cursed bastard growing in my belly was going to ruin my life, spoil my youth and beauty. Who would marry a woman with a child of unknown parentage? Certainly not my promised one; his family would never allow it. Every day, I cursed my growing belly; I hit myself, drank Molotov cocktails so it would be stillborn, I tried everything. I even purposely fell down stairs to induce a miscarriage, but nothing worked. This cursed baby survived and was born; I gave birth in my room.

"My darling," said this woman who serves as my mother. "Look how beautiful he is, he looks like you."

I was disgusted; I didn't even want to see this devil's spawn. I pushed her away from the first second.

"You're sick," I blamed her, "who looks like me? This bastard is not my child! Don't come near me; you're just crazy. If you want him, then keep him, don't show him to me!"

"She's right," her father intervened. "Darling, stop exhausting us with this thing. Give it to Yu so she can take it somewhere far away."

"You...," she looked sadly at the baby. "My poor child, you fell into the hands of a monster. I hope you find a better mother and a better life, she kissed his forehead, make them regret treating you like this."

I know my mother said those words as a curse on me, but so be it. My choice was to have a good life, and I will never regret it. My father always said that desire requires necessary sacrifices. This baby was my sacrifice to remain the perfect girl in every way that I wanted to be, at all costs.

She reluctantly entrusted the child to Yu; she seemed as touched as her, two old crazies. That night, Yu, a servant my family trusted intimately, took the baby. I don't know what she did with him, and I never want to know. She seemed as disappointed as my mother with my choice; she had known me at the same age, and seeing me get rid of my own child without remorse distanced Yu from me. She had been my nurse, my confidante during a period of my life. But for me, I know that for my happiness, she will never say anything about this story. After that, I was able to resume my life where it had stopped.

Quietly, I left because my future in-laws should never suspect my story. At least this story put me back on track somewhat. I was promised to a rich and handsome man who had to offer me the best, what more could I ask for? I am determined to do everything to conquer him and marry him. And I intend to succeed, no matter the way or the moment. Our families were already organizing our reunions, our wedding, and our future. I can't wait to meet him; in my memories, Hua was so kind, attentive, and generous. If I had known him better like that before my departure to the United States, I probably would never have set my sights on that fake lying rich man. I want to find happiness, and I am sure that once reunited, Hua and I will be happy forever. My past is well behind me; now I want to build a beautiful future. We were good friends, confidants, and our families get along wonderfully. What more could you ask for?