Kapitel 14: Chapter Thirteen
I just sat there in the hallway for probably a good two or three hours before I finally forced myself to my feet. I couldn't just sit around and mope about my freezing up today, it would only show more weakness to the other doctors and I couldn't afford that. I didn't want them seeing me as a baby that could easily be kicked down like a puppy. I was stronger than that.
I pushed myself up and right away I headed towards recovery to check up on Austin, I needed to know that he was okay despite my mistake. As I made my way through the hall other doctors and nurses glanced at me, whispering softly to one another but, honestly, I didn't give a damn about what they thought at that moment, then and there. All I cared about was making sure that my patient was alright and stable. I wasn't going to let him die, not after what I did in that OR.
"Dr. Howard?" Murphy looked beyond surprised to see me when I walked into Austin's room to see that he was awake and talking with Emily who had a smile on her face. They looked exactly the same as when I'd seen them this morning, the only difference being the bandage around Austin's head. At my entrance they cut off their conversation and looked at me, surprised as well.
"Dr. Howard, I thought one of the other doctors said you went home after the surgery?" Emily looked between Murphy and I in confusion. I looked at the intern with a raised eyebrow and that was all it took to have her explaining.
"Dr. Hunt informed them that you'd left due to personal matters." She explained in a frightened tone, clearly afraid of my reaction.
"Dr. Murphy will you give us a moment alone?" I asked but it came out more as an order. She only nodded before hurrying out as though she were on fire or something. As soon as the door shut behind her I seated myself in an empty chair on one side of Austin's bed, opposite Emily.
"Is everything alright?" Emily looked at her husband, worry clear in her features.
"Everything is fine, the surgery was a success and the tumor was removed just like I promised it would be." I assured her. "I thought Dr. Nelson would have already informed you of what took place inside the OR though."
"Dr. Nelson?" Austin's brows furrowed at the unfamiliar name and I could feel my stomach clench, knowing I had to tell them this.
"When I went into the surgery everything was fine and went as planned. It wasn't until I started to resect the tumor that there were problems." I started to explain, struggling to find the right words. The words I had chosen seemed to only fuel their worry as they held each other's hand tightly, like I was about to give them a death sentence. "There was nothing wrong with you, it was just like your scans so there were no surprises. The problem was that I...I froze up. For several minutes I simply just froze up and they had to get another doctor, Dr. Nelson, to finish your surgery. I wanted to make sure that you both-"
"What do you mean 'you froze up'?" Emily asked harshly. I looked at her again to see that her eyes were hard and narrowed at me, untrusting, maybe even hateful now. "How do you freeze up with cutting into someone's brain?! My husband's brain!"
"Em, just calm down." Austin rested a hand on her arm but she only shrugged it off. Not in the mood to be told what to do.
"Mrs. Eckertt, I understand your anger and confusion," I tried to tell her but she only scoffed at me.
"Really? Are you married? Did you have someone freeze with a knife in their hands while cutting into your husband's brain?" She snapped at me, any trace of the nice and kind woman I'd seen moments ago were gone. "You promised that you could do the surgery perfectly and now your telling us that you couldn't?!"
"Emily, calm down." Austin tried to quiet her as I sat there, taking in all of her words. She was right. I wasn't married, I never had been. I didn't know what it was like to have someone cut into the brain of someone I loved and then almost screw it all up.
"Don't tell me to calm down! She could have killed you!" Emily briefly turned her anger towards Austin before glaring at me again. "Get out, get the hell out!"
"Is there a problem in here?" The hospital door opened to reveal Dr. Karev.
"No." I assured him. I looked back at the red faced woman sitting across from me and took a deep breath before speaking again. "I'm sorry Mrs. Eckertt for what I've put you and your husband through. I'll talk with Dr. Nelson about him taking over your case for the remainder of Austin's stay here. I promise that you won't have to see me again."
I kept a neutral face as I got up from my seat and left the room, going right past Dr. Karev. I kept walking until I found myself in one of the stairwells. It was only when I was there that I sat down on the steps and allowed my tears to start to blur my vision and fall from my eyes.
"Howard?" A familiar voice called my name as I heard the stairwell door open behind me. I glanced over my shoulder to see Dr. Karev standing there. At the sight of tears running down my cheeks surprise filled his features, though he quickly masked it.
"What do you want?" I turned away from him, quickly wiping the tears from my cheeks in a fable attempt to hide the proof of my weakness.
"You looked pretty shaken up in there, I just wanted to make sure that you were okay." He told me, sounding slightly uncomfortable.
"I'm fine." I told him shortly. "There's no reason for you to check up on me as though I'm a child. I can take care of myself."
"Oh, I bet." He snorted. "I could tell that by the way you nearly broke into tears when that patient's wife was yelling at you. No way that you're a child after seeing that."
"Did you just follow me to mock me?" I glared over my shoulder at him. "If so then please leave."
"Going to stick with the tough act? Honestly I'm not surprised. I mean who'd want to seem weak, especially after that show you gave in the OR earlier. First surgery here and you were thrown out of your own operating room as though you were an intern or something." He laughed, though it seemed to be hollow. "That's just got to be embarrassing."
"Well you don't have to worry about me, not that you care anyway." I clenched my jaw as I picked at the hem of my scrub top. "I won't be in anyone's way much longer, much less being thrown out of my own operating room."
"What?" Both his voice and his face displayed his surprise as I stood up and faced him. Not caring in the slightest that I knew my face probably had tear stains of the cheeks or that my eyes and nose were likely red.
"I'm going to talk with Dr. Hunt as soon as possible." I made my way past him and towards the door. As I turned the handle to go back out into the hallway I could feel his eyes on me, waiting for me to finish what I had to say. I did so as I slipped through the doorway, leaving him behind.
"I'm quitting."
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
-- Power-
Rangliste 
-- Power-
Stein