Kapitel 4: Guilt and Regret
'What the hell is going on?! Why am I still alive?'
Arabella blinked repeatedly when she awakened in her room.
She sat up and looked around.
She was confused to find herself in her chambers in the Imperial Palace.
The last thing she remembered, she was at the magic tower and she was sure she slit her throat.
She recalled hearing someone call out her name before everything blacked out.
Did someone come to her rescue and healed her? Did she survive?
'I thought I did it deeply.'
Was she too weak? Or was this the afterlife?
She walked to her mirror and gasped as she stared at a younger version of her face.
She was supposed to be forty but her face was back to twenty-two years ago when she was still eighteen.
Arabella frowned when she glanced down and recognized the dress she was wearing.
It had been so long since then, but it was the nightgown the maids made her wear for her first night with Ferdinand.
That scumbag and piece of trash of a husband.
She felt furious once again just from remembering him.
It confused her and made her head ache so much that he died trying to protect her.
But how exactly did the once mighty Emperor be killed so easily?
It was her fault.
To be more exact, she had his meals poisoned every single day.
It was a slow-acting poison. But with his strength and resistance, it took much longer than planned to take effect until he finally showed small signs of weakness.
She plotted to eliminate Ferdinand the same way her son died.
She wanted him to experience what her son did, so she used a poison which had the same effects as the one he used to kill their only child.
When the effects of the poison finally got worse, Arabella informed King Icarus, her husband's strongest enemy, that the time has come for Ferdinand and Valeria to fall.
They triggered a civil war in Valeria so Ferdinand got swamped with more work as his body continued to grow weaker from the poison.
When the people's dissatisfaction got worse, King Icarus and all of Ferdinand's enemies united to attack Valeria.
And of course, Arabella had already secretly brought in some of Icarus' people to open the gates.
Valeria was caught unprepared due to the internal crisis. As such, Icarus won as they had planned.
Arabella was supposed to be King Icarus' wife as he ascends to be the next Emperor of an even wider empire, but she had other plans.
She was set on following her son to the afterlife once the plan succeeded.
So she did.
'But what the hell is this?!'
Just looking around the room, and judging by her appearance, no matter how impossible it seemed, she was back to when she was eighteen.
Today was her wedding to Ferdinand and he would soon visit her room so they could consummate their marriage.
'Why do I have to live as his wife again?!'
Arabella paced around her room in horror wondering about what she should do.
Judging by her appearance, the maids were done preparing her for her first night with Ferdinand.
'Why did I have to be reborn when everything was finally over?'
She had finally exacted her revenge on Ferdinand. Her goal was complete. There was no reason to be alive anymore.
'Is this my punishment for everything I have done?'
Arabella knew she committed a lot of sins.
'But do I really have to live my horrible life with him again?'
She gritted her teeth. She couldn't possibly live that life again.
She was exhausted.
Burned-out.
And borderline insane.
She just wanted to sleep and rest eternally.
'Should I escape?'
She walked to the windows to search for an escape route.
There were always at least two knights guarding her door so she couldn't exit there.
"It's still so beautiful!" Arabella gasped at the sight of the capital from her window.
It felt like it was just a few minutes ago when she was watching the capital in flames.
But now, it was still in its full splendor.
Beautifully designed sophisticated buildings. An artistic city layout. A huge beautiful fountain in the middle of the plaza with a huge space around it for gatherings. Paved roads and pavements. Numerous shops, diners, and inns.
It was a lively and colorful place teeming with life and bustle. Truly the capital of a huge empire.
The city was filled with cheers and laughter as they celebrated the wedding of their Emperor.
It was so different from the view Arabella was watching earlier.
A sea of flames. Dark black smoke. A putrid smell. Bloodied streets. Corpses everywhere. Horrified and desperate screams and shrieks. Crying children. Horses neighing. Knights screaming.
And her dead husband in her arms.
Something dripped on her hands.
'Eh? What's this?'
Arabella looked up to see if water was dripping from the roof. There was none. Of course, there would never be. This was the Imperial Palace.
Her vision blurred.
She blinked rapidly when she realized it was from her.
'Why am I crying?'
She glanced at the view from the window once again.
She felt a lump in her throat and her chest ached.
There were children playing around happily and chasing each other.
There were women with babies conversing with everyone to join the celebration.
It got worse.
Her tears flooded her eyes until she couldn't see.
And all of a sudden, she was trembling as she cried and fell to her knees.
'These were all the people who died because of me?'
Those children and babies would be knights by then. They may even have their own children.
'Why? Why am I feeling like this?'
Arabella's chest hurt so much and felt so heavy as she cried.
She felt burdened, regretful, and sorrowful.
She thought she long stopped feeling all those emotions. But now, she was feeling all of them again.
'Why? Is it because I was reborn?'
Arabella was riddled with guilt as she watched all those happy people down below.
They were among the people who may have died during the final attack of King Icarus.
They were people who died because of her plot. Because of her revenge.
'I just avenged my son. What's wrong with it? He was innocent. He didn't have to die so young,' she reasoned with herself.
But does it justify involving all of these people?
Did all those kids have to die too because her son did?
They were also innocent. They were young too.
Arabella bit her lip as she tried to stop sobbing.
She had thousands of lives in her hands now. She ruined so many lives as she made the empire fall.
She didn't care about committing such an atrocious crime at all before. She didn't mind everyone in the empire dying, including herself.
Why does she care now?
Why does it bother her?
Is it because she was not yet wronged now? Because the sin was not yet committed in this life?
Or had she been lying to herself all this time?
. . .
". . . "
". ."
As she continued watching the scene below, Arabella gasped when she suddenly heard voices in her head.
[The Empress is so beautiful! I feel so blessed to have seen her face.]
[The Empress is truly the fairest lady. She looks like a goddess.]
[His Majesty must be happy.]
[The Emperor must be more motivated now after marrying such a lovely wife.]
[I hope we get blessed with princes and princesses soon.]
[I want to marry someone as pretty as the Empress.]
[I have to go home. I'm drunk now.]
[My baby is also celebrating the wedding. Look at him behaving so well today.]
[I have to serve more food.]
Arabella held her head as random thoughts from various people suddenly popped up in her mind. She covered her ears as it became a deafening mixture of voices.
It still did not stop.
She held her head in her hands when she felt like it might explode if she kept listening to everything, and closed her eyes.
The noise finally vanished.
'What was that?!'
She rose and the deafening noise came again when her eyes glanced at all the people below.
The noise stopped when she turned away.
Arabella tipsily walked to the bed and plopped down feeling dizzy from "hearing" so much noise. But it wasn't her ears that were aching since the noise was directly inside her head.
'What is wrong with me?'
First, she was suddenly reborn. Second, she suddenly heard thoughts in her head.
"Arabella, I'm coming in."
She instantly stiffened upon hearing that cold familiar voice.
It was just a few minutes ago when that voice weakly thanked her for being his wife. But now, it sounded strong, firm, and dangerous.
Emperor Ferdinand Valeria. Her husband.
'WHAT SHOULD I DO?! WHAT SHOULD I DO?'
She thought of escaping through the window but she was still feeling dizzy.
Before she could decide, the door creaked open. And there came Ferdinand looking so handsome in his twenties.
Ferdinand was twenty-three when they got wed so he was forty-five years old from her memory.
The one from her memory was still good-looking but older and thinner. He had lost weight from having to work so much due to all the troubles she had caused and the poison she added to his food.
His eyes also didn't look as focused as they did now.
[She's crying! Does she still miss her former lover?]
Arabella flinched when she heard his thoughts and quickly dried her tears.
[She's trying to hide it. Is she scared of me? Ah, of course, she does. My reputation goes a long way.]
'I'm not scared of you,' Arabella thought and looked him straight in the eye.
Gone were the days when she was so scared of him. Or the times that she might pass out just from a glare from him.
She had been with him for twenty-two years and ten was spent plotting and trying to kill him until she finally succeeded.
What would she fear now? All her fear of him was gone. She knew exactly how to ruin him. She could do it again if she wanted to.
But should she?
'Ah, that's right. Was I given the chance to torment him a second time? Is this my chance to make him pay again?'
"Thank you for becoming my wife," she recalled his last words and the only smile she ever saw on his face before he died.
She wavered.
What was this sense of loss she was feeling?
She was not supposed to feel any sorrow for him.
So what was this feeling?
.
.
.
_
A/N:
I will use [ ] to indicate it was something Arabella heard in her mind and not with her ears.
AUTORENGEDANKEN 
Athena_Varinder
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