Kapitel 44: 44
Kanina ko pa namalayan na lumabas si Karina sa silid pero hindi ako tuminag sa pagkakahiga sa kama. Akala siguro nito na natutulog na ako.
It has always been like this for the past weeks that we have been together in the same room. Tatabihan niya ako sa kama at magpapanggap na matutulog. Kapag nakita niya akong pantay na ang paghinga ay hahalikan niya ako sa noo saka ito lalabas para matulog sa sofa sa sala. Babalik ito nang bandang mga alas-kwatro ng umaga na parang walang nangyari at yayakapin ako at magkukunwaring tulog para hindi ako maghinala.
I thought it's just because she's not used to having someone in bed with her. I only began to suspect that there is more to it when I woke up in the middle of the night without her by my side. I searched for her in the whole house to only find her in the garden silently crying and drinking. She kept on kissing her necklace while staring at the skies.
Hindi ko maipaliwag noon ang nararamdaman ko. It's like someone punched me in the gut repeatedly. I can't forget her red sad eyes that are in stark contrast from her naughty wicked face she loves to display to intimidate people.
The Karina I saw that night is unrecognizable. She looks so small and vulnerable with so much baggage from within. Malayong-malayo sa Karina na mapaglaro, matapang, palaban, at walang kinatatakutan na persona na palagi niyang ipinapakita.
Seeing her in that situation is like taking a glimpse again of that young woman in the hotel who begged me for wrong reasons.
Guilt kicked in me instantly. Alam kong may ambag ako sa paghihirap ng asawa.
I insulted her on our first meeting, threw curses at her whenever I have the chance, and kept on rubbing on her face how cheap she is when compared to Elizabeth.
It was my way of retaining my anger towards her and concealing my love for her which I unsuccessfully killed for the last eight years.
What I thought to be just a simple fascination turned out to be a full-blown love I never expected I would feel to the girl I mistakenly took as my father's mistress so imagine my devastation when I witnessed her betrayal. Watching her go with another man after giving her the ring is like looking at my happiness disappear.
Hindi ko matanggap na ipinagpalit niya ako sa ibang lalake para masustentuhan ang kaniyang pamilya. It was a big blow to my ego and more so to my status as a Gastrell. If money is her only reason of agreeing to my plan then she could have just said it right away in my face. Ibibigay ko sa kaniya ang lahat. If she was that disappointed with the cheap ring I gave her not knowing that it's the only thing I could call mine because I earned the money outside of my family's business then she shouldn't have let her eyes sparkled with appreciation when I slid it in her finger.
It gave me false hope that we both felt the same thing.
For years, I have been in and out of casual relationships. I cannot commit to a woman because I cannot feel the connection I felt with Karina. My fling once time told me how unfeeling I was. Mainit lang daw ako sa kama pero kasinlamig ako ng yelo kapag nagpapakita na sila ng motibo na gawing seryoso ang ugnayan naming dalawa.
Sinubukan kong pumasok sa isang relasyon para patunayan sa sarili na hindi na ako nakakulong sa alaala ni Karina pero hindi rin kami nagtagal. Hiniwalayan niya ako dahil hindi raw niya maramdaman na mahal ko siya. Huwag ko na raw siyang gamitin para kalimutan ang babaeng hanggang ngayon ay minamahal ko pa.
I felt guilty. She is a phenomenal woman for me to just use her to move on from my past love. Mula noon, hindi na ako nagkaroon pa ng girlfriend. I made it clear to every woman I took to bed that it will be just a one-night stand. The frequent visit to La Vida Club kept me entertained during the nights when Karina's disappearance haunt me but I never did go out with any woman there.
They made me remember her when she barged in my room in the club on that night which led our roads back to each other.
I hated her for leaving me. I hated myself for still dreaming about her. I hated myself for associating everyone with her.
But that fateful night changed my life yet again when she just came barging into my life back claiming that we are married and that I have a responsibility to her.
I will be lying if I said that I didn't find her more attractive now. She has gotten more beautiful and refined but the young man inside me is disappointed. The young Cholo wanted to see the young Karina who needed me, the innocent girl who held my hand so tight with her cold and trembling rough hands, the girl in the sidewalk I caught in the windshield of my car gawking at me. The same girl who tore my heart open when I saw her walking out nervously of the comfort room wearing that blue bathrobe.
I needed her to be that helpless girl again so I can offer her my hand again and marry her. I needed to be her hero but looking at how she became the confident wicked woman I never thought she would be, I have to accept the truth that I will always be at her mercy. She doesn't need me now the way I will always need her in my life.
She can leave me again. She will leave me again after she's done with me.
There is definitely a reason for her coming back. Hindi ako bulag para hindi makita na may kahulugan ang pagkawala ng kinang sa kaniyang mga mata. Wala na ang tunay na ngiti nito. Pumalit ang kalkulado pero mapanganib na kislap sa mga mata nito.
Sa bawat pagkakataon na napapansin ko siyang bigla na lang na natutulala, hindi ko mapigilang tanungin ang sarili kung ano ba ang nangyari rito sa nakaraan para magkaganito ito.
When I saw her breaking down last night, something in me has been broken too. It's the first time she let me see her miserable state. Whatever it is, I wanted to trade places with her and own the pain.
What could have been the reason behind her tears every night? If it's true that she loves me then what's stopping her from telling me everything?
One word from my wife and I will be scrambling down to her feet offering her my everything. I will do everything for her even sign that annulment paper if she asks me because I cannot stand the sadness in her eyes anymore. I will not hear any of her sob every night while she thought I'm peacefully sleeping in the bed we both made.
Just like now.
I let another hour passed before getting up and going downstairs. I didn't have to look for my wife in the whole house. She's in the sofa again, her favorite spot, sleeping in a fetal position. Mahigpit ang kapit nito sa kumot na ang kalahati ay nasa sahig na kaya ang tuhod pababa na lang ang natatabunan.
Sighing, I picked up the blanket slowly and cover her all the way to her shoulders. I made sure I make no sound as I sat on the floor and just stared at her untroubled face.
Itinaas ko ang kamay para haplusin ang pisngi nito na ibinaba ko kaagad sa takot na magising ito. I know it's hard for her to fall asleep. Last night, it took her three hours to doze off.
Sumandal ako sa kabilang sofa at tinitigan ang asawa. Binabantayan ko kung mahuhulog ang kumot kapag nagiging malikot ito.
"I never know that a woman could be her most beautiful when sleeping," I whispered and smiled when Karina sniffed out of nowhere and went back to sleep.
Tumayo ako saglit para magtimpla ng kape saka bumalik sa pwesto para titigan uli ang asawa. Natutok ang paningin ko sa bahagya nitong nakabuka na labi. Nangingiti na lang sa sarili na ibinaling ko sa ibang bahagi ng mukha nito ang tingin dahil nag-iinit na rin ako tulad ng baso ng kape ko sa kamay.
My eyes landed at her cute little nose. Actually, my wife has baby-like features that are even more highlighted when she doesn't have her make-up on. She has a symmetrical small face with arched brows, big round eyes and fuller lips. She's got a mole on her left ear just above the earlobe which I love to pinch and play until I fall asleep.
Gumalaw patalikod si Karina sa akin at niyakap ang isang throw pillow dahilan para malilis hanggang binti ang kumot. Umusod ako palapit dito at inayos pabalik ang kumot sa katawan nito.
Ilang oras pa ang ginugol ko sa pagtitig dito bago ako tumayo at hinugasan ang basong ginamit. I checked the time and found that it's already four in the morning. She'll surely wake up any minute from now.
Inangat ko muna ang naalis na naman na kumot hanggang sa leeg nito bago pumanhik sa silid namin. Thirty minutes passed and I can hear the door opening and closing. I didn't move and continue pretending to be asleep.
The bed moved as she laid beside me and hugged my arms. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili. Ipinaloob ko na siya sa mga braso at hinalikan sa ulo.
"You're awake?" mahina nitong tanong.
Umiling ako at isinubsob ang mukha sa buhok nito. My hands immediately went to her ear and fondled it. Awtomatiko ang pagkaramdam ko ng antok.
"No," I murmured. "Let's just sleep some more, please."
She just moved her head and buried her face in my chest.
I smiled and kissed her head wishing that there will never come a time that I'll be sleeping in here alone.
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
-- Power-
Rangliste 
-- Power-
Stein