Kapitel 23: Chapter 21
Its been a year since I posted this story, so less goo!!! happy new year everyone! The story will move forward and I hope everyone enjoys this story as much as I enjoy writing this.
"What do you mean by that?" I can't help but say aloud.
"Cindy." She took a step back. "Is there a place we can talk?" She gestured as she looked at the room around us which pulled quite the attention.
"Hi, I'm Doctor Kain, sorry about intruding but could you follow me? We wouldn't want to disturb the rest of the patients." Kaykay interrupted the event, which is kind of a godsend; he's still annoying me but I learned to ignore him or entertain him enough that he can fuck off shortly after. It's not me being a bitch to him, but kinda, he annoys me when I want to be by myself and he's in charge of talking to the patients and reporting to the doctors, but I still find him annoying to deal with.
"Cindy, if you prefer you can talk to your relatives in your room or in a room for these types of occasions. Where do you feel more comfortable?" He does raise a question because at the rate things are going and the rate my head is thinking about the topic I'm about to talk about is hard.
"My room, I feel better there." He nodded as we walked down the hallway, he talked to a nurse and I led them to my room.
"And we're here." I said as I opened the door, the cold metal of the special made handle pulls my attention to where I'm actually meeting them. The nurse followed us as she carefully took notice of the people with me.
"If anything happens you can call me and I'll be here as well as my shift partner." She said towards Mr. and Ms. Baker.
"Thank you." Mr. Baker said as he took a step inside, I sat down on the bed and motioned to the desk which was taken by Mr. Baker and auntie sat beside me.
"I... I know I ran away from you, the Doc says that when I feel like my stability is in danger I run. I don't know how to explain it; he said that it's like jenga." I paused as I took a hard breath that trembled out of my throat. "When you play jenga the longer the game the easier it tumbles... but for me it's like a few turns pass and the second it looks like it's about to fall but not really I feel the need to run and start a new game from scratch. But the jenga blocks I use on the new game are made by me and made of clay, dirt and mud, the stability lasts less and less. Until there is no more jenga to play." The silence is deafening as I explain why I ran away, I'm waiting for them to start screaming to punch me or something, so I braced myself. A hand clasped my left one.
"Moonpie, I'm sorry I didn't find you sooner." Ms...- Auntie said in a kind tone as a hand touched my shoulder. "When you left you scared the living hell out of us. We tried our hardest to look for you, Erica was a wreck for months-"
"Does she know?"
"That you're here? Yes, but not here, here. She knows you're in a hospital, just not where. Do you want to see her?"
"I don't..." I said in a low tone.
"It's alright, we thought you would've come back a few hours later... but when you didn't we tried to look, Erica and I looked everywhere. I just want to know why?" Mr. Baker asked as his eyes are a little glossy.
"When I lost my place to live, my scholarship, my job everything was crumbling around me and Clint wasn't answering and then my friends were not really my friends I guess this time I just saw the jenga tower fall on my head. I tried to rebuild out there, I found a place to live, a place to eat... more like a few dumpsters."
"How did you deal with the hunger?"
"Hunger?"
"Cindy, I know, we know." Auntie left it unsaid.
"I don't know what you mean?"
"I was a little relieved when I saw a few stories about HER helping others and recieving the call to get out and also her fighting to save the world. I got worried, but I think I knew long before."
"D-d-does th-at ch-a-n-g-ge-"
"It changes nothing, just the amount of stress on my body."
"And our heads." Mr. Baker added as he ran a hand through his hair,
"Are you..."
"Against it? I don't know... but it wasn't hard to figure out."
"How?"
"How much you eat, your mannerisms, the way you walked on the runway, also how could a mother not know if their child is doing stuff like this? I knew after your birthday when I saw a clip of her saving someone and the moment it was confirmed was that call you made to Erica." Her voice is firm and it's extremely reassuring that she knows my biggest secret.
"Cindy, I know we may not look like it but we care about you." Mr. Baker says as he takes my other free hand. "There was something we wanted to give you before you were eighteen but couldn't." He says as he lets go of my hand and takes out his leather bag where there is a document that I longed for a long time to see. I mean I saw the forms of how they look but never seen how they look.
Everything is filled out, not like the ones I saw on moth- the matron's office. This one has every detail filled out, I felt the need to bolt out the window but I suppressed it, getting to my feet I had to take a few steps back. "You, this!" I felt tears cover my eyes. "This is, this better not be a prank." I felt the doubt running in my body, my heart thumping in my chest.
"This has been approved a few days after you left." Auntie got up from the bed.
"I know this is invalid but we did pass the interviews."
"You did?" She took a step forward, while I took one back she stopped and nodded at me.
"I-..." Taking a deep breath. "I was the Chicken Alien Freak, everyone called me that because I chose not to fight one day, and I was a freak because I was smart..." I gasped for breath. "I had two hundred and four interviews for a family to adopt me, they all said no, they adopted kids that were good kids..." "Do you know how many times I cried myself to sleep?!" I am rambling on but I have to say this. "I cried myself to sleep exactly one thousand seven hundred and forty eight times waiting for this piece of paper to be in front of me... It's worth almost five years of crying myself to sleep..." I sniffed as I used my sleeve to clean my eyes. "I hated the orphanage so fucking much...but I didn't know much about the world and loved my mo- the matron, she actually kicked me out, I didn't receive kind words, no heartfelt goodbye... kinda she hugged me really tight, enough to leave me without breath for a few minutes and a piece of paper with a favor." I fell to my knees as tears fled from my eyes freely. "Please, please, please! Tell me you mean this, tell me that you're not making a sick joke..."
"We mean it; you pulled the best of us again after April, helped Erica and brought happiness in the moments you were in our home. So would you accept us as your parents when you get out?" I only nodded as I kept crying and crying, sobbing in happiness, an image of a black haired girl in an old pink now white dress being taken hand in hand out the door of the hellhole with a smile on her face to the warmth of a place.
I couldn't say anything else as only babbles and tears escaped me, even the nurse had to come inside and told them to let me rest, I fell asleep with a smile on my face and a dream of that girl getting birthday parties, getting a warm welcome to a place she can call home. To one night arriving in a suit made of a hoodie and black pants smelling like smoke only to be found out by their parents who were walking into the house. And last but no least that girl having getting a hug from her new family as she walked out of the hospital.
"So, I heard what happened two days ago." Doc says to me as he throws a ball at me, it's a small stress ball that feels so good to throw, catching it without a problem.
"I know, I'm so happy, but I can't help but doubt... I remember those nights of going to sleep crying because I got rejected. Now just like magic they appear in front of me, it's weird that I think I prayed to the point of not believing." I tossed the ball back.
"Did that develop something on you?"
"Praying? I mean, that died a long time ago. I think I was like eight, it was the big one the 1 0 0, I prayed so much that day wishing for that number being the one. But I guess too many interviews means something else for adults. Ooph that day I lost faith, if there is one, and then he can go a fuck himself. I went through two hundred and four interviews; maybe the families or the adults said something along the lines of "man, this kid is messed up in the head. I kind of am, but that's right now."
"And how does this family, this people wanting to adopt you?"
"Like I'm dreaming, but I'm terrified that I will do something and mess it up. But." I stood up and passed the ball over my hand. "I will do whatever they want for them to keep me, hell I would actually stop being Silk if they ask just to keep them around me."
"And which lengths are you thinking of right now?"
"I mean, if they say you can only walk on your knees on the house I would anything goes for me to be adopted."
"I don't think they would go that far, would they?"
"No, Auntie is a good person. She taught me how to cook, I used to eat boiled chicken breast. But she taught me how to make pasta, soup and even meatloaf; oh she also taught me how to make kimchi."
"She sounds lovely."
"She is!"
"What do you think could go wrong? Why are you scared of being adopted?"
"Well..." I hug my knees close to my chest. "I think that if I say something I would get kicked out, if I break something, I'm out. If I make too much noise, I'm out. So MY plan for that is saying yes to everything and staying as quiet as a mouse because that way I don't get kicked out."
"I'm sure that won't happen, people that volatile aren't allowed to be able to adopt."
"You would be surprised."
"I'm sure, but, have you told Clint about this?"
"No, I want to tell him later today. You talked to them right?"
"The Bakers? Yeah, we have talked."
"About what?"
"Mainly you, how you've been doing, how I'm helping you be better to yourself."
"I'm not bad to myself!" I think I blundered that sentence.
"Sometimes you are, also we'll have to check you grammar." I crossed my arms at his affirmation.
"I'm not!" We paused as the silence grew tenser making me hug myself tighter.
"Do you want to continue your story of last time?"
"Oh right, that, where were we?"
"You got your powers and went to school."
"Right, the first time I used them... you already know about that bitch Molly and her cronies, fucking hate them."
"What would you do if she finds you one day, greeting you as if nothing happened?"
"OH, I would punch her in the face full strength, but maybe that would kill her... maybe just a nose breaker."
"Would you really?"
"Yes! That bitch deserves a punch, just like Shawna."
"Shawna, oh right, your bully." He clearly remembers her but didn't want to say her name.
"So, I went to school, people are looking at me because for some reason this power makes me look like an actress. And after first period I got to go to my locker to get stuff out and here she appears saying I look pretty and was going to do another session of waterboarding. Because that's what it was! I think I almost died twice or so. But this time I fought her."
"Did you punch her?"
"NO! I would've blown her head off because I had no control, also I didn't know how to fight. So I just pushed and dodged, it's when I discovered my Silk sense."
"Right, your premonition power."
"Yes, it has saved me more times than I can count."
"It's really impressive that power."
"Meh, its one part of my power. So I fight and when I shove Shawna her shirt gets stuck to me hands because this works for when I'm stressed they don't unstick." I take the ball on my palm and held it as if dropping it but it stops completely by being stuck to my palm. "So the shirt gets stuck and I push and it breaks, it was then I realized I had the power! But I only know how to turn away but I ran as fast as I could. Hid the entire day and when I was walking towards my home away from home; they decided to go after me. With metal poles, a baseball bat and a gun." I motioned to my leg.
"Is that..."
"Yep, it's a gunshot, I have this one on my leg but I need to use shorts to show you, but its here." I pointed to a place on my leg.
"I'm sorry you went through that, but shouldn't your Silk sense have activated?" He said the name as he raised an eyebrow.
"It did! But I ignored it like a dumbass; I mean I dodged a baseball bat to the face and a pipe to my ribs. But I ran through this alley, it was where a cop usually stops by at that time. So that was my destination, when I ran through the alley I dodged both blunt weapons. But my senses screamed to dodge left, but I was going right and they were behind me so I didn't dodge thinking I was already safe, out of instinct I jumped but it was too late. So first day of powers and I got shot. Because I told my head to keep going while my instincts told me to dodge. Guess I made a mistake there, I should've dodges sooner."
"But you didn't know."
"Nope, I didn't."
"Then what happened?" I began to tell him what happened after, the history I had with bullying but the session ended before I got to deep, I proceeded to move towards the common room. I took notice of a girl scratching her head as she looked at a simple physics problem. I decided to ignore it as I began to fiddle with my phone, as I answered a few texts with Aunt- Mother, she has showed me a few pictures of her cooking dinner.
"Hey Cin." The voice of someone I can't deal with sounds behind me.
"W-what a-re you doing here?" I turn around but my gaze falls to her pants.
"Umm... I, ah..." She closed her mouth. "I'm... Happy you're alright." She said in a nervous tone.
"Mhm." She stood there awkwardly as I answered.
"It's just, we... I." I can hear her pursing her lips.
"..."
"Look, I'm sorry, and I was a major bitch. But I..." She paused as I avoided her gaze. It hurts to see her, I didn't want to see her because I'm not ready. I don't know how to deal with this without running away.
"Mom doesn't know I'm here... I'm sorry, it's just. Ah I don't know what to say!" She pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. She usually does that when she's really stressed. "Look, I checked mom's phone and her call history had this hospital and her search history had the address of this place. So I came without telling them."
"Erica, can you please leave?"
"Cindy, I-"
"I- I can't deal with you... right now..." For the life of me I can't look at her, it just reminds me of how we fought, how SHE didn't want to see me. I can't forgive her.
"I just came to see you, to say I'm sorry." Her voice is forced, I know she's crying but I CAN'T look at her. "Please look at me." She says as my gaze falls to the ground, as my body just wants to run away, before I know I'm standing up and ready to walk away, I force myself to stop.
"I can't... Erica... please, leaves." As soon as the words leave my lips a voice cuts Erica before she tried to speak.
"Is there a problem, here?" Kaykay asked as I took notice of his new shoes on the carpet.
"Ci-."
"Miss, I'm asking you to leave. You're bothering one of our patients." Kaykay is clearly experienced in dealing with this.
"BUT-" Her shout makes me takes a step away. "Please, Cindy, I'm sorry." The click of a radio pulls my attention.
"Shane, I'm having trouble with a visitor she's disturbing a patient here..." I didn't notice that my heart is beating as if I just fought an army again.
"No, I'm leaving, sorry to bother..." Erica's voice is followed by her sniffing and her footsteps getting further and further away. Turning towards the reiterating figure of my new half-sister is hard. Her hair looks bad, her shoes look worn out and that sweater is the one she wore when we first met. 'Guess she did miss me, she also paid attention to that day we had pizza.' I remember as my chest is now at ease.
"Cindy?"
"Ah, sorry, thanks Kaykay."
"Do you want to blacklist her? She clearly had an effect on you."
"No, no, she's my recent half-sister... it's just we... we're not in the best terms when the situation ended..."
"It's alright, next time I'll make sure to check on you when a visitor comes and I'm on shift."
"Thanks, you're a good person..." I compliment him.
"Enough to be a superhero?" That gains me a small huff of air in amusement.
"Not yet."
"Oh, you said yet! I can take that." He walked away smiling.
"-Cindy, last time you told me about that time you got shot. Who was the one who did that?" Doc asked as I corrected my posture.
"Yeah; her name was Shawna, her dad was a drug dealer of some sort and she was spoiled. As in she would get her dad to buy her as much stuff as she wanted but only stuff from Abercrombie and American eagle. That was basically the rich kid in school."
"If she was this well off, why pick on you?" Doc asked as he leaned back.
"Well, I graduated early from middle school and in high school I was the odd one out. No one wanted to be friends with the nerdy ugly chick that was smarter than everyone. She had a history of bullying, but the previous principal and one teacher tried to teach her a lesson got jumped. So she was untouchable."
"And seeing you alone she went after you."
"YUP."
"Smart, poor, lonely and hard worker. She was the rich kid and like sharks that smell blood, I was fresh meat easily exploitable; first day, she pulled me aside punched me in the face and told to do her homework, or else."
"Were you afraid?" I let out a huff of air.
"At first yes, but she began to make sure my face had a black eye the entire school year. That was even before I had my powers, she showed me what waterboarding looks like."
"That sounds illegal."
"I think I've had more shit on my hair than hair products. When she had a bad day I was dunked into a toilet, used, clean, it didn't matter."
"And no one stepped in?"
"Nope, the saying was better the kid than me. That also made everyone avoid me, because if you got close to me you were essentially a target to get bullied." I said as I lied down.
"But you weren't afraid?"
"No, if she thought of herself as a big badass, she was, is? The equivalent of a small flea... the true monster was waiting for me at home... Mom... mom, the matron, sorry you told me that. She was the true monster, but I learned to avoid time at home. The good thing is that at least when she shot me, her cronies and her ended up in juvie." I said as I shot a web at the ceiling, the shot was perfect and strong, nothing compared to a few weeks back.
"You said you were in the Stark Expo event, what was it like? What pushed you to help others?"
"I wanted to run and get out of there, but suddenly I saw a family about to be killed and one thing led to another, next thing I know I'm fighting robots, the next time was when my "friends" got kidnapped and I stopped the kidnappers and saved them. I broke a man's ribs, almost made someone die by choking."
"Did something push you to help them?" I took a deep breath as I remember that day.
"There's a thing about people and their vision of power. Some want power to rule people; others want power to make them fear you. Then there are people who fight fear using their power to keep people's hopes up. 'Heroes' that's the term people use. I on the other hand believe that if a person with power can do something they should do it to help and not harm. I know for a fact that there comes a time when someone has to act when no one else can. In those times it's up to you to realize that maybe you're the hero. That made me realize that I can help others, but how can I help others when I feel so weak."
"It's alright to feel weak; right now you're just a girl trying to heal."
"But it's been almost three weeks! I should be alight by now." I clench my hand. "I've told you about my past, about Mom, about the nightmares, about my friends, about Clint, even about Loki and I'm not healed yet! I just feel the need to run away. TO FUCK OFF FOREVER! I WANT TO DIE! THAT'S THE REASON IM HERE, BECAUSE I FEEL THE NEED TO JUST NOT WAKE UP FEELING MISERABLE!" Taking a seat panting as if I ran a marathon.
"Cindy, healing takes a long time, for you your body heals faster than anything! But your mind is like a fractured bone it takes a long time to heal and the injuries you have are going to leave scars. But I'm here to help you get better, to help you realize that its okay to feel weak, that there is a reason to wake up every day. Let me tell you something about me, is that okay?" I nod in a huff as I cross my arms, my intentions to speak long gone.
"I used to work with a friend, smartest guy ever, but his emotional intelligence was horrible almost sociopathic." He exhaled air through his nose in amusement. "So we worked and had our fair share of ups and downs, he slowly got better, to the point he fell in love with a normal girl... it was extremely annoying watching them dance around each other for years. Until one day he got his shit together and they eventually dated, dream couple let me tell you. But she wasn't as smart as him and smart conferences and other types of entertainment for him wasn't interesting to her and vice versa. They later argued and instead of taking it in stride and working on the problem talking it through like mature people both ran away from their problems. He got together with the girl he felt was smart enough for him and she moved with her kid to another state, the company went bankrupt and we went our separate ways."
"What happened to them?"
"Walter got married to the other girl and Paige she never answered our calls, last I heard according to Facebook she got married to a doctor and take a vacation once a year to different parts of the world. Both living marriages that are not meant to last from my professional opinion. My wife talked to Paige and she's getting a divorce again as well as Walt; the past caught up to them, realizing that a fight that could've been solved if they confronted the problem instead of bailing the first chance they got." He said in a sigh.
"You're saying that even if I run away, the past will catch up?"
"That usually happens, but in your case one day when you feel like you left everything behind you will feel better and you will witness an injustice or a crime in front of you and you will react."
"History would repeat itself?"
"Maybe, but let me tell you. Even if you feel like you don't matter, keep in mind that everyone you've helped as Silk has had their lives change and people that know you will feel a void in their hearts; because they will ask themselves what they did wrong?" Doc said in a serious tone as I felt anger rushing through me.
"Why would they ask themselves that? I'm the one at fault... I'm the one that wants to die, to not feel, because feeling right now hurts, it hurts to remember, it hurts to talk about everything because no matter how you look at it I'M A FUCKING SOB STORY!" I feel my cheeks wet. "I JUST FEEL SO WEAK! I CAN LIFT CARS! FIGHT AN ARMY OF ALIENS AND YET THE MOMENT I STEP OUTSIDE I FEEL LIKE I WILL BREAK!"
"It's alright to feel weak, everyone feels that way."
"But, I have to be strong that's how I survived! I was made of steel, everything bounced off of me, and whatever Mom did was for love, she loved me enough to teach me physical and emotional pain. That's where I learned to be strong, all the punches at home, the beat downs at school, the torture, the hunger I felt every day, EVERYTHING! WAS TO MAKE ME STRONG!" I gasped for air. "I feel like anything you say, will make me cry, everything I've seen this past week triggers me to react with emotions I don't know how to handle!" I stomped on the ground hard enough that a crack was made.
"Cindy, deep breaths, remembers to take deep breaths." I took deep breaths as he handed me a couple of tissues. "Cindy, right now is you feeling what you were not able to before. Everything you're experiencing is emotional maturity." I sniffed as he explained as took a seat, noticing the crack on the floor I feel guilty as an overwhelming sense of regret overcomes me.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry."
"It's alright, it's a piece of floor, it's not a life, not something with a lot of value. You don't have to be sorry."
"I just don't know what's happening to me! I want to scream and punch and kick and cry and laugh!"
"Then do it, there is nothing to be afraid of, you can scream in here or scream into a pillow... do whatever you feel like doing." I follow his advice as the overwhelming feeling to scream fills my body, I take the nearest pillow and shove my face into it and scream at the top of my lungs for several minutes as that feeling turns to anger. Those cold nights I spent by myself, the realization that I was in pain, that I got manipulated by a crazy god, that I'm a danger to myself.
"Better?" Doc asks as I sit down.
"I'm angry, I'm absolutely upset, I feel like I want to punch something." He motions to a beanbag in the corner that I didn't notice. I proceed to punch it to my heart's content not breaking as its filled with feathers sustaining even my strongest punches. That anger and violence brings memories about Molly, that fucking bitch, about Shawna and both of her idiot friends, a fresh memory of Erica and Alana and fucking Mindy. I'm just so pissed off! But unloading it all in the beanbag that I now notice actually deflated and contents are spilled on the floor.
"Better?" I nod as I take a step back and sit down on the couch, panting as I feel a bit of sweat on my forehead. "The anger is still there but it's not overwhelming like when I lost control."
"You lost control? When?" He asks in a friendly tone.
"When I was running away from everyone and everything, I returned to the warehouse I was staying, but it came down and I was hurt so some guys in the street told me they could take me to a doctor but they tried to do you know, the worst thing they can do to a girl... but I was tired and injured and sad so when the five of them surrounded me I beat them up. But one guy he called me an alien freak. That is what Molly called me, remember? That nickname stuck with me in the orphanage for years."
"Yeah, I remember."
"So before I knew it I had a knife stuck on my back that I didn't feel at the time and a guy twice my size with his face bloodied and unconscious. I kicked and punched him, I just saw red when I heard him say that." I sighed. "Doc why do I feel so tired, right now?"
"That's called emotional burnout." I sigh as I feel sleepy and like nothing matter anymore except resting.
"Was dat?" My words are slurred.
"It's when after an emotional discharge of an intense emotion, like anger causes the body to be stressed and in order to regulate itself it makes you feel lethargic and in need of rest. Those usually happen to people with high stress jobs and people going through big changes in their lives. Right now you're growing emotionally; you had to mentally mature too fast from your experiences. That is why you feel in the extremes, you feel happy or sad or angry it only knows such extremes. You're discovering the middle point, which only shows that you're healing."
"I want to sleep."
"That's normal, right now you can go to your room and sleep there or stay here." I got up as the idea of a bed sounds really nice; as I get up I stop on my tracks. "Doc, why is living worth it?"
"That is a really hard question, I can answer for myself; but that's not a question I can give you the answer. In life you can experience happiness, sadness, anger even love. But the reason you wake up every day, is meant to be found by you. The answer may be obvious to some, but for others it's the hardest question to answer. One day you will look back to today and say that you were wrong, life has its ups and downs but overall you will learn to be happy in your life and if you're not then you will have time to find it."
"Do I deserve to live? To have the time I mean, because I sometimes feel like I don't deserve that."
"You do deserve to live, you know happiness, I've talked to Joselyne and she has told me that you have a wonderful personality and a smile that makes people around you share that smile. You're more deserving than others to live, you've changed lives. Remember when I did a little bit of research on you?" I nodded. "Turns out you showing your back made others be proud of their scars, burn victims call you an inspiration. Not as Silk but as Cindy." I never actually checked about it.
"I never saw that." I yawned loudly as my eyes are tired.
"I'd recommend you take a nap, if you get hungry I already notified the nurse to get you a pizza or something."
"Thanks doc, I really appreciate that... If I could I would be crying my heart out but I'm tired."
"That's alright, just know that you're a great person and that you're worth more than what you know." He said reassuringly which brought a smile to my face. "Now scram you rascal, get some sleep." I promptly went to bed in my room.
"Cindy, how do you feel today? It's getting close to me giving you the clear. You look much better than when you first came in a month and a half ago! Ready?" Doc said as he opened the door the rest of my now family behind me. 'Family...' A small smile tugs at my lips.
"Thanks, I - it was hard, but now I have something to look forward to." After we spent 2 weeks talking about life, my experiences, my day to day even basic gossip my anxiety attacks decreased a bit and the awful days are not one after the other. Also the nightmares happen at least once every three days.
"It's part of healing, it's hard knowing when to accept help and let others in."
"So, what now?" I ask as I take another step inside.
"Now." He stood up and opened the door, in walked my new family as well as Clint. "Please take a seat." Everyone took a seat, Aunt-Mother sitting on my left Clint on my right, while uncle-Father took his seat on a chair and Erica sat on another chair.
"Clint Barton, pleasure to meet you." Clint shook hands with my new family.
"Pleasure." Unc-father answered but Doc stepped into the conversation flawlessly.
"Usually I don't have the patient here, but these are an extreme case and the circumstances are extremely different." Everyone fell silent.
"Cindy." I felt my back tense up as I sat straight. "What I'm going to say does not depict how you behave just your afflictions." I nodded lightly. "You're a fantastic person, you have great potential and everyone around you says you're one of the most amazing people in their lives." I smiled after hearing that and relaxed a bit, my left hand is enveloped in warmth reassuring me of support.
"During these sessions in the last couple weeks, I learned that you're a person with unbreakable willpower along with an optimism and idealism that is contagious to everyone around you and even people you've saved." He reassures me.
"My diagnosis as a psychiatrist shows the areas of opportunity in that will affect your life." He paused as he looked at me asking if he can move on, to which I nodded. "My diagnosis states that your mental health is delicate. You're ill, but that is because of the circumstances in your life. You currently have a severe case of PTSD or post-traumatic stress disorder." He paused as everyone is silent.
"This condition is developed after witnessing or experiencing events considered as terrifying that your thoughts linger in those events after they happen. The reason you've been experiencing nightmares over the past month is because your mind as a self-defense mechanism decided to repress those memories that I won't mention. But after what happened with Loki, you said everything became clear which leads me to infer that during the effects of the mind control that felt like a reprogramming of your head. The moment you were broken out of the mind control your mind sort of "rebooted" removing the constant repression on your memories." He paused as Clint is actually glaring at nothing. "You said you had an episode after staying in a closed closet." Erica flinches and hugged herself as she looked at the ground. "That is part of the branch of symptoms under emotional and physical reactions. If You're reminded of something similar to the event you will get stressed, that stress will lead to anxiety and those two together may trigger your mind to reenact the moment as of you were experiencing it. But know that you're not alone; soldiers, doctors and everyday people suffer from this to various degrees. But with my help and your own willpower we can work on this so that you can overcome it." He said with a reassuring tone.
"Doctor Curtis." Uncle intervened.
"Yes, Mister Baker?"
"Does this affect her everyday life?"
"It may, Cindy's mental health is really delicate. Usually medication solves the problem along with therapy sessions but her metabolism makes it impossible to use medication. So what she needs is constant support from family and friends as well as therapy which I would be more than happy to help with." He turned to everyone in the room who nodded.
"Cindy, the issue is that PTSD is volatile and because of your abnormal circumstances you were able to ignore it in a way. Because your body is kept in sort of an Apex state the chemicals in your brain are kept in perfect balance regulating chemicals from overwhelming you. But this illness went untreated and you were not able to receive professional help, it grew which led to 3 more illnesses connected to this. You currently have an anxiety disorder an obsessive compulsive disorder those two are self-explanatory. The third one is the one we need to work on the hardest but for you it will be easy because you're one of the emotionally strongest people I've met." I nodded as I didn't notice I'm hugging myself and auntie is hugging me, untangling myself I brace for what he has to say.
"I was iffy about this diagnosis but you show a lot of the signs, usually PTSD creates a few symptoms such as depression. But what you currently have is Called Major Depressive Disorder along with Psychotic Depression."
"What are they?" I couldn't help but ask, it's also good to have a name on my problems.
"MDD varies, sometimes are Mild, moderate or severe. You're currently in between Severe and moderate, we worked together and went from severe to this point." He said as I nodded which is a little progress.
"It's progress, right?" I joked a little.
"Yes, it's massive progress!" He smiled as he agreed, which seemed to lighten the mood. "The symptoms, not all of them manifest but your family needs to hear them so that they can identify and help you when you need it." Everyone nodded.
"The ones I identified and the most common ones are, a low mood like when you don't want to do anything and lie in bed, a lack of interest in things that you used to enjoy, changes in sleep, extreme fatigue, trouble concentrating, feeling like your worthless, useless, guilt or despair and lastly suicidal thoughts."
"So this illness is what made me-"
"Yes." He interrupted me.
"Oh." Worlds didn't come out.
"You told me about those memories you have, right?" He asked as I nodded.
"Yes, the ones I made up when I was little. Where I thought I had a family and learned to drive and had my room and a mom and a brother and we fought and I died because of chest pains."
"Yes, those! The reason you have those memories that you believe happened was a way to cope with the loneliness you experienced. That is called Psychotic Depression, which developed from the PTSD, before MDD which also shares some symptoms. But we are working on them and they're not as severe as your MDD."
"Doc what are the symptoms?" Erica asked pulling attention to her.
"The problem is that PTSD and this illness go hand in hand, because this type creates hallucinations, Delusions, paranoia, confusion, agitation and overall mood altercations among others that don't really match up, Cindy just has had hallucinations, Delusions and paranoia."
"That sounds serious." I tried to lighten the mood.
"It is, but our sessions are working. We need to work on it and you will get a clean bill of health."
"If I'm like this, what about helping others?"
"That is a topic I wanted to discuss with everyone." He leaned forward as everyone else tensed up.
"Cindy, doing what you do. Is something that I consider as something selfless? Helping others is great, more so because your powers make a great change." He paused as I looked at him.
"But know that it's not an obligation to do it." He says as I feel kinda annoyed by it.
"But I have powers, these powers change people's lives. This power is meant to be used with responsibility."
"Yes, but it's YOUR choice. No one can tell you what to do. What I'm saying is that your power is only yours and you choose what to do with it. Mr. Barton did you bring it?" He asked as Clint nodded.
"Here." He took out the mask I threw away.
"Whoa, I thought I threw it away? Does that mean that my suit and webshooters and-"
"Yes, we retrieved it as well. Stark wanted to confiscate them. But right now they're safe. Here's a picture where we kept it." He took our his phone and showed me a manikin with my suit on it, the gloves, boots and mask. It looks really cool.
"That looks really cool; you also fixed the burned parts." I noted as Clint smiled lightly.
"Yup, now here." He handed it to me, the mask that started as a scarf.
"Do you want to put it on?" Doc asked me as I slipped it on, I felt confident and comfortable.
"How do you feel Kid?" Clint asked as I looked at him and hugged him.
"Thanks, for not giving up on me." I couldn't help myself.
"Silk, how are you feeling."
"Comfortable, the shirt is itchy and these new socks they gave me today suck."
"I'm sure we can fix that, but getting back on topic. I know your power conveys responsibility, but you don't have to do it, no one is forcing you."
"But, people need help, I stopped a car crash from happening, as well as people from getting mugged, raped and police officers from dying. I know it's not my duty, but I feel like my powers are mine for a reason, I'm meant to help others."
"Cindy." I feel awkward hearing my name for some reason.
"Do you want to continue helping others?"
"yes."
"Do you feel ready?"
"No."
"I'm just telling you, if you don't want to return you don't have to, people lived before you came and people will keep living if you don't come back." I purse my lips as a glare fixes on my face.
"It's true, you don't have to, and as a mother I wouldn't want you on danger constantly. But I will support your decision." Auntie said as she held me tightly.
"I want to keep helping people; I don't want people to suffer like I did. I don't want others waiting for someone that might not come home if I could do anything about it. I've helped families stay as families; fathers and mothers arrived home safely because of me. But right now, I feel weak. Weak enough to not be able to help others without letting them down."
"There is no pressure, or time constraint. Take your time after all you have to heal first, you deserve rest and time for healing after everything you went through." U-father said in a caring tone, to which I nodded and lowered my mask, I turned to the clock and noticed that almost an entire hour has passed.
"Hey, look. We made it through one group session without me crying my eyes out." I joked as a small smile crossed everyone's lips.
"That shows that you're getting better." Clint reassured me as he patted my back.
"Thanks everyone, I'll try my hardest to keep getting better."
"Cindy I need to speak with your family, so you're free to go for the rest of the day." I stood up and just as I was leaving.
"Mask!" Clint said as he raised his hand.
"Oh, shoot, right... Here." I promptly took it off and threw it at him. "Thanks doc, see ya I'll be in the common room." I said as I took a step outside and make way to the common room.
As I'm walking into the room a girl is clearly having trouble. "Ugh, this is hard..." A girl that is writing on a notebook scratches her head, she has a physics book open and she wrote three questions on it.
"Umm, hi?" I ask as my awkward tone of voice spooks her.
"What?" She has bandages on her arms that come from her wrist all the way to her elbows.
"Just noticed that you're struggling a bit."
"What's it to you? Why do you care?" She comes off as standoffish, clearly angry.
"It's just, that's physics and me is good at that." I almost bite my tongue at that sentence as she raises an eyebrow.
"I've seen you before, you're always sitting by yourself reading."
"If you want I can help." I say as I look at anywhere else except her face.
"You look about my age, you a nerd or something?" I flinch at her tone which seems to make her unclench her hands and look turn to me as my feet become the most interesting thing ever. "Sorry, it's just people were pieces of shit to me all the time at school and I'm always on the defensive, doctors say that I insult them back. So sorry or whatever, can you help me?" She says as she moves her book towards my position. I nod lightly as she motions to the questions.
"The velocity of the person inside a plane that is doing a loop at its apex as well as the velocity of said plane." I giggle a bit at how I summarize the question because the apex of the point in height is 0, so it's just a question that wants you to write 0.
"What's so funny? It doesn't make sense how am I supposed to know the speed of the pilot and the plane?" She's genuinely confused.
"So what happens when you throw something in the air?"
"It goes up and down?"
"What is the highest point of that "up"?"
"I don't know the distance."
"I meant, what is it called?"
"The..." I point to the word apex in the textbook. "Oh the apex!" I nodded as she smiled a bit.
"Correct, but what is the speed of any object at its apex? You should know this." I grab one of the pieces of paper in the ground and throw it upwards her gaze follows it as it goes up it stops and falls to the table.
"0!" She yells out making people turn their heads to us, she ducks as her pale face heats up and focuses on the notebook.
"So the answer is?"
"But the plane was moving as well as the person inside."
"Yup, but if you look at the question it asks for the speed at the highest point."
"OOOOHHH, so its zero for both." She writes down the answer with the procedure, as I get up she grabs the edge of my hoodie and pulls a bit. "Can you help me with this?" I feel the urge to run as I feel my heart pound on my chest and sweat starts to come down my forehead.
"Ah- I..." I nod as I take a seat, I answer some of her questions and explain concepts fast.
"Dude, you alright?"
"No, I, I have to go. If you have any doubts just write paper and giveittome." I almost bolted as I felt the need to puke as my heart pumped into my chest, but as I walked into the hallway to my room my new family was just walking in.
"Cindy, hey." I barely hear them as I just want to be alone but as I am almost walking past them Auntie is the first to step in as I speed walk to my room and close the door behind me, I seat down on my bed and promptly begin to try to think but everything is too loud. I cover my ears as the sound of my heart isn't helping in calming me down, I focus on the components of the arc reactor. Doc said it helped, but the door gently opened and I think auntie walked inside.
"Hey, Moonpie." Her voice comes through my hands that cover my ears. "Focus on my voice, you're not in danger." Her voice is a little muffled but I uncover one ear as a hand gets extended to me, which I take. The pulse is steady and calm. That helps a lot. "Breathe, remember I'm here and I'm not letting go."
"That's right, Cindy, you can lean on us." Uncle says as he extends his hand to me, which I take. "Exhale, breathe in." He breathes in. "Hold." his voice is calm as Auntie follows along. "Breathe out." He says as the comfort helps me ease slowly into a pattern that helps me focus.
"There you go." Auntie adds as I'm no longer sweating and my heart is slowly relaxing, after a few minutes I'm calm again.
"Thank you Auntie, uncle." I smile lightly at their support.
"We talked with Doctor Curtis and he said you're almost ready to leave, a few more days." Uncle says as he lets my hand go but I snatch it again. "I know it will be hard, but your home is waiting for you. Your room is almost ready." While its hard and anxiety crawls over me at hearing that I would be outside of here I'm trying to keep calm by holding onto them. Maybe I'll be fine.
"Moon." A voice brings my attention to see Nurse Kayla looking at me from the door.
"Hi."
"Leaving without saying goodbye?"
"No, ah-I just thought you were busy." She takes a step forward as I brace for some stern talking as she's always harsh and strict, but a small hug makes me flinch.
"I'm so happy seeing you out; you were so brave during the entire time here. I may be a bit harsh but it's always to see patients get better."
"Thanks, for that..." She rubbed her eyes.
"At first I thought you were a troublemaker, but I began to know you and you're a wonderful person. I know when you go out there you will be an amazing woman, who will make big changes."
"Thanks." I sniff at the truthful tone of her voice.
"Let me not take all your time." She finished the hug as her hands fell on mine, she's crying. "Now go out there, they're waiting for you." Walking outside I got mobbed by the other 3 nurses that I got to know, Kaykay and the cook whose name is Kyle.
"We thought about giving you a cake, so they asked to make a small cupcake cake for you going away." Kyle said as he was on the verge of crying, each nurse hugged me.
"Do I get a hug?" Kaykay said as he playfully jumped in place.
"Fine, join in." I motioned to join the group hug, he promptly did laughing. We each got a cupcake. "Thank you for tolerating me."
"Don't worry about it, now come on. Your family is waiting." Kaykay said as he finished his cupcake, I promptly did the same said my goodbyes and left, as we passed by the common room that takes us all the way to a hallway with an elevator.
"Cindy." The voice of Jennifer called me as she almost ran up to me; her bandages peeking from the edges of her hoodie. "So you're leaving?"
"Yes, I got the clear, you still have my phone, so if you ever want to talk about something. Then I'll be available."
"Even if it's just for homework?"
"Yup, I'll be sure to text you from time to time."
"Thanks, for helping me with homework and all that." I smiled lightly as I nodded and began to walk towards the elevators, when the elevator went down instead of up where my therapy was usually done.
"Ready?" I nodded as his question as the door opened. Walking past the guard where I noticed my family waiting as well as others.
"Hi." It feels weird being in normal clothes, a hoodie that has the Silk motif which seems to amuse Erica, Clint, Natasha and Bruce who is waiting.
"Cindy, great to have you back." Clint said as I took a step forward following my new family home.
We drove talking about everything that happened in the city, as traffic was hell, I told them about Jennifer and how I got a goodbye cupcake from the nurses. Erica told me that Michael cried when he found out I was okay.
"Come in, it's open." Mother said as she ushered us in. The familiar smell of cinnamon and a small banner was placed in the stairs that says 'welcome' where I saw that I was being welcomed into my new home.
"Welcome home, Cindy." I received a hug and a pat on the back. "We set your room and everything, its upstairs. You can go drop off the rest should be here soon." And soon they were, behind us Natasha, Clint, Bruce and even Tony and Steve came in led by Clint; a few minutes later Michael walked in and practically hugged me crying.
"You dumb girl! ONE PHONE CALL AND I WOULD'VE BEEN THERE! GOD YOU SCARED ME WHEN YOU DISSAPEARED! I AGED! AGED!"
"I'm sorry..."
"It's okay; I forgive you, just never do that to me EVER." He said as he wiped his tears.
"Promise." My answer came as I faced the rest.
"Cindy, glad you're better." Steve said as he stood in front of me.
"You look better brat." Tony walked forward as he handed me a small box. "Here."
"What's this?" I asked as I opened the box a small rose golden necklace that is a circle the size of a coin in the shape of a spider web, the dot is the center of the web and the colon looks as if it was caught in the web. The web is colored silver as the semicolon has what looks like diamonds.
"Tony, this is too much."
"Please, it's a gift. I also said I owed you one for your birthday. So I won't have to worry until next year." He brushed me off as I looked over to Clint. "Can you help me put it on?" I asked Clint who nodded and promptly helped me put it on. It feels heavy as it is a symbol, the universal symbol for surviving...
"Thanks, everyone."
"I brought some cake, so if you want we have enough to feed a person with a monstrous appetite." Auntie said looking at me.
"Too bad Thor isn't here, right? He would love one of these."
"I'm sure he has cake." Steve quips back. "If we had cake on the 1930s, then I'm sure they discovered cake a long time ago."
"We will have to ask them when he comes back." I add as we walked to the kitchen, as Mom starts to cut the cake Natasha's phone begins to ring.
"Romanoff speaking." I focus on the call but I get the faint end of the sentence. "-curity council."
"Guys and girl." She announces as she takes a deep breath. "Fury says we have an urgent meeting with the World Security Council, as in right now."
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
-- Power-
Rangliste 
-- Power-
Stein