Kapitel 28: First Tears

Austria, December 21st 1791

11:23 AM

Lukas was sitting at the table of his room. He was currently holding the document he had previously borrowed from the storage.

Lukas was looking curiously at it. 'I still can't believe the Von Neumann house is here! I guess that's also one of the reasons I couldn't sleep properly last night,' he thought.

Lukas leaned back on his chair and let out a sigh. Although he was keeping himself busy, he still couldn't help but remember about his mother and father arguing.

'I hate to admit it, but... I really would like mother and father to get along... well, at least I wanted it until I saw Father slapping my mother. After that, I totally lost all the consideration I had for him,' Lukas thought.

Lukas shook his head abruptly and started paying attention to the document once again. 'Focus, Lukas! There's nothing you can do about it right now! Focus, damn it!' he yelled in his mind.

Lukas closed his eyes and then took a deep breath. After that, he opened back his eyes and looked calmly at the document.

'Okay, let me see. Of course, the information of these documents might change in just a few days, so I can't blindly trust it, but it's the best option I have,' Lukas sighed and then took a blank sheet of paper nearby.

'Fine, since I can only speak German by now, my future fiancee must be from some Germanic state. I've gone through these documents before and it's pretty unlikely for me to get a betrothed from Austria, since all of them are either engaged already or are too old for me... well, the age doesn't necessarily mean that it'd be impossible for me to be engaged with her, but it's a matter of decency.'

'I mean, it wouldn't be very pleasant for me to be engaged with a woman sixteen years older than me, nor would it be very practical for any duke or marquis for their daughter to be married only when she's more than 30 years old,' Lukas concluded.

Lukas sighed and wrote down all the options he had at the moment on the sheet of paper. The widest age range that Lukas tolerated was 5 years older than him or just 3 years younger than him... for obvious reasons.

'It would be quite creepy for me to woo a newborn, but I don't have many options. Besides, it's just in last resource, there are also girls my age here. I just hope they don't get engaged eventually,' Lukas thought.

After writing everything down, Lukas only had 8 options. Including the newborn girls, he had 10. 'I'm screwed,' Lukas thought.

'Well, all I can do is paying attention to what happens in the Germanic states and their noble families, mainly engagements. It's pretty simple to keep track on it, newspapers are meant for that. Of course, they don't say everything, but since I only want to get engaged with girls from the most powerful noble families from the Germanic states, I'm pretty sure that the most part of the information about them will appear in the newspapers. If I need anything else, I can always find a way to barge in the storage without anybody seeing again.'

Lukas sighed and organized the documents. 'Okay, I don't need anything else from these, so I'd better return them to the storage. How? Well, I'll find out. I can't simply tell Olivia that I unconsciously left these documents with me. It would be too obvious and she would probably hide the keys, because she would think I'm not trustable... and, to be fair, I'm not,' he concluded.

Lukas crossed his arms. 'Perhaps I could ask Klara... no, it's too risky. She might tell Olivia.'

Then, Lukas stood up and headed to the library. 'I think I have an idea,' Lukas thought.

When Lukas arrived to the library, he walked towards the door of the storage and grabbed the handle. He tried to open, but it was locked. 'Just as I thought.'

Lukas kneeled on the floor and tried to place the document in the storage through under the door, which was harder than it looked. After struggling a bit, Lukas managed to make it slide through under the door with enough power so it would look like it had just fallen from one of the shelves.

Lukas got back up and brushed off his clothes. 'Great. I just couldn't leave that in my room. The servants clean my room thoroughly everyday. If one of them found it, they would ask Olivia whether or not they should throw it away. And Olivia is not stupid, once she checked it, she would figure everything out,' he concluded.

-----

Austria, December 23rd

5:38 PM

Lukas entered the mansion completely soaked. He had just finished training with Herman and it was raining a lot outside. Both his clothes and hair were dripping wet.

His clothes were dirty. Full of mud, which could even be found on a bit of his face.

Lukas sighed. 'For God's sake. I can't believe I have to train even when it's raining! I couldn't even take three steps without slipping!' he grunted in frustration. 'And I hate that Herman's got point!'

-----

Austria, December 23rd

3:28 PM

"Why do we have to train in the rain?! It's pointless!" Lukas said, frustrated.

Herman sighed. "You need to get used to fight in every possible environment. Now get ready! Duels are going to be the main task in today's session."

Lukas puffed his cheeks as if sulking, but he still went for it.

-----

Austria, December 23rd

5:39 PM

Olivia walked closer to Lukas and handed him a towel. "The bath is ready for you, Lukas," she said.

"Thank you, Olivia," Lukas said as he dried himself with the towel.

Olivia was showing worried expression as she watched Lukas, and the blonde boy naturally noticed. "What's wrong, Olivia?" he asked.

Olivia seemed to have awaken from a trance and then eyed Lukas.

After a short break, she answered the blonde boy. "N-Nothing, Lukas," she said as she shook her head. "However... your mother hasn't come down yet," the humble-looking woman revealed.

Lukas frowned. "What? Hasn't that been normal lately?"

Olivia shook her head. "No. Sometimes she does leave her room to eat something or things like that, but today she hasn't come down at all."

"Weird. I have never seen her leaving the room since that incident," Lukas said.

Olivia sighed. "Don't tell her I told you this, but..." Olivia hesitated a bit, but she still went ahead. "... she doesn't want you to see her like that. She thinks she is a burden to you."

Lukas raised his brow. "What?!" he asked,

incredulous. "And you let her think like that?!"

"I did tell her she-" Olivia was interrupted by Lukas.

"Speaking is not enough, Olivia! You have to show her! You didn't even tell me to go meet her!" Lukas was truly mad at Olivia. "I know that I should have also gone there and tried to make her feel better, but I thought she just needed space. I never thought she wasn't showing up because she thought she was a burden to me!"

Olivia stayed silent, she was embarrassed, she knew Lukas was right.

Lukas sighed deeply. "For crying out loud! Once I finish my bath I'm going there myself and try to convince her!"

Lukas walked away and left Olivia standing there.

-----

After a few minutes spent bathing, Lukas left the bath and quickly got dressed. He was in quite a hurry to see his mother and tell her that she was not a burden. He needed her.

Lukas went upstairs and saw that Olivia had let him gone there himself. 'I'm glad she did it. I guess I overdid it a bit, but I was truly mad at the time.'

Soon, Lukas was standing at the door of Frida's room. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. "Mom, it's me! Lukas!" he said loud, but nobody answered.

Lukas sighed as he shook his head. 'For fuck's sake...' he knocked on the door once again.

"Mother! I'm sorry for not having noticed earlier that you think you are a burden! You are not! In fact... I love you! Please, let me in!"

Nobody answered once again. Lukas sighed and grabbed the handle. "I'm coming in!"

Lukas slowly opened the door and the room was pure dark. 'Oh my, talk about not being able to see shit,' Lukas thought.

Lukas opened the door of the room a bit more, so the light of the corridor could come in and he was able to see the inside of the room.

When he looked, he saw Frida lying on the floor, turned to the other side of the room. When Lukas saw that, he started feeling anxious, but he tried to keep his composure.

Lukas slowly walked closer to Frida. "H-Hey, Mom, don't lay on the floor," he said.

When Lukas moved Frida's body so he could see her face, he was completely shocked. He first saw her pale face, with her eyes closed. After that, he looked down and saw her wrists cut and her sleeves dyed red with blood. One of her hands was holding a piece of sharp glass.

When Lukas saw that, his first reaction was to jump back and scream in terror. Lukas fell down, but he quickly sat up. Lukas was panting and his expression was showing pure horror. "H-Hey... stop messing with me..."

Lukas stared at Frida's face, but it didn't move one bit. Lukas knew that image would haunt him until the end of his days.

Soon, tears started forming on the corner of his eyes and they slowly streamed down his face. His face got red and his whole body was shaking in pure shock.

"H-How...?!

-----

"Is everything okay with your wrists, mom?" Lukas asked.

Frida widened her eyes. "Y-Yes, sweety! Of course it is! Why would it not?" Frida answered, with a clearly forced smile.

-----

"W-Why...?!!"

-----

Lukas frowned. 'What the...?' he sighed. "Olivia, I can say for sure that my mother is much stronger than anyone thinks she is, and that's why I can say that she'll, without a doubt, overcome it with our help. Please, don't underestimate her, she doesn't deserve it," Lukas said.

-----

Lukas stood in fetal position. 'I-It's my fault! If I at least was more diligent in doing what Olivia had asked. Mother wouldn't have done this!' he thought.

Lukas placed his hand on his chest as he felt pain there. His hand felt tingly and sweaty and he was struggling to breath. 'W-What's happening to me?!' he wondered.

Lukas started crawling towards Frida's body and snuggled into it. "P-Please, Mom, don't leave me..." he said, sobbing.

-----

Meanwhile, Olivia was downstairs with a regretful expression. 'Lukas is taking too long, should I go there? No! I have to give them space!'

Olivia sighed. Soon, Klara showed up and she noticed Olivia's expression. She frowned and approached her.

"What's wrong, Olivia? Are you okay?"

Olivia sighed. "It's okay, Klara."

"You can tell me everything, Olivia. I'm great at keeping secrets," Olivia still didn't answer. "Come on, everyone needs to unburden!" she insisted.

Olivia sighed once again. "Fine. I will tell you," she told Klara everything. Klara heard Olivia attentively and didn't say anything until Olivia was finished.

"Olivia... Lukas may be very smart, very mature and he really is all that, but he's still a child! He does impulsive things! Don't take it to heart! Didn't you say you were worried about them? So go there and at least take a look! I'm going with you, okay?"

Klara said with a smile.

Olivia smiled back and slightly nodded her head. "Yes. Thank you."

Klara nodded. "Let's go."

The two servants went upstairs and headed towards Frida's room. 'Strange. It's so silent,' Olivia thought.

When they stood at the door of the room, they were shocked. They saw Frida lying on the Floor and Lukas snuggled into her. However, what truly shocked them was the blood that the both of them were covered in.

Olivia hurried towards the both of them and picked Lukas, who seemed to be asleep. She started shaking him. "Lukas! Lukas!"

Klara raised her brow. '"Lukas"?'

Lukas slowly opened his eyes. "Huh?" Olivia sighed in relief and hugged him with all her strength. "Oh, thank God!"

She put Lukas down and looked at Frida. But when she saw her clearly, she was not that relieved anymore. Tears started streaming down her face.

Klara hurried to prevent Lukas from seeing that. But it was too late. "Y-Young master, let's-"

Lukas wasn't listening to Klara at all. He was lost in his thoughts. 'Mother was perfectly fine. With my engagement. It all started when... my father

slapped her... that's right... it's all my father's fault.'

Lukas gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. 'That bastard! I'll kill him! I'LL KILL HIM!!!' The expression Lukas was showing now was exactly like Karl's.

-----

After a while, things had calmed down. Lukas was sitting on Klara's lap. He was snuggling into her as he drank some tea as he held the cup with shaky hands. They were in the kitchen with a lot more servants around. Lukas finished his tea and handed the cup to Klara so she could place it on the table.

Soon, Olivia walked into the kitchen with a letter in her hand. "Lu... Young master, Mrs. Von Neumann left you a letter, I don't know if yo-"

"Please, I wanna read it," Lukas said as he looked at Olivia with teary eyes.

Olivia couldn't answer him. She just nodded her head and handed him the letter. It was a short text.

To Lukas:

Lukas... I'm sorry for doing this. I know that what I'm about to commit is a terrible sin, but... I can't help it! I'm so done with all of this! I'm a burden to everybody! Every single person in this world... is burdened by me! I don't deserve to live anymore!

This world is terrible! The only good thing that it's given to me is... is you, honey. You are the only good thing that this world has given to me, yet... it's the best thing it could have ever offered me...

I really wish I went to heaven, so I could meet you in the afterlife, but... I am about to commit a terrible sin and such sin will take my life. I'm a sinner, Lukas. I only hope you can forgive me for having left you alone.

I wish we lived in a perfect world. I wish we lived in a world full of light, however, this was not possible.

I only have one request for you, Lukas... don't let this death of mine affect you... please, live with happiness and joy.

Goodbye, love,

your mother.

When Lukas finished reading, he noticed tears were streaming down his face once again, however, he didn't mind it. He let them fall down.

'I'm sorry, mother... I'm sorry that this world was not what you wished... but...' he then clenched his fists. '...I swear! I swear that I'll turn this world into what you wished it was! I'll make it better! I will... I WILL BRING LIGHT TO THIS MISERABLE WORLD!'

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