Kapitel 9: Confrontatoin

Mark did follow me out of his mother’s house. It seemed he did not really know what to do. I could only imagine how his mother had reacted at my exit. Not many people stood up to Abigail. It took too much energy to fight her. This time, I had decided that the fight was worth it. He looked so pitiful as he got into the car. I couldn’t look him in the eye as he started the engine. Not one word was exchanged. Mark did not know what to say. I was in shock that I had actually done it. For so many years I had kept my mouth shut and listened to how horrible I was. I had actually begun to believe it.

As we got ready for bed, words were still absent. The scene was relatively comical. Mark looked like a deer in headlights. I was practically bouncing around the house. I knew we would eventually have to talk about it, but for tonight I was savoring the sweet victory. I felt sorry for him. I really did. This was not how I wanted it to pan out, but Abigail pushed me too far this time.

The morning light brought reality back to me. I was cooking breakfast when Mark appeared in the kitchen. He was looking at me strangely as he leaned against the breakfast bar. A smile brightened my face hoping it would help ease the tension building up. I tried to focus on the eggs in the pan before me. What would he say? It did not take me long to find out.

“What was last night about? What is this about going back to school and not talking to me about it?” He kept his expression relatively straight, but his eyes were full of confusion and hurt.

His look did not intimidate me. For the first time that I could remembers, I did not care what others thought. No more were my actions to be dictated by the whims of others. I wanted to stand on my own with him by my side and not following along like a whipped puppy.

“I didn’t have a chance to talk to you about it. I had just found out about the program yesterday. To be honest, I think I said it more to shut your mother up. Though my decision to go back to school or not has nothing to do with her. I’m actually tired of my life having to be approved by her.” I slid the eggs onto the plates along with the nicely crisp bacon.

“You’re right in that she shouldn’t have to direct your life, but I should have been included in this decision.” He watched me set the plates on the table and then begin pouring coffee. “Do I not have a say?”

I looked up from pouring his cup of coffee. “Yes and no.” Just as abruptly as I had stopped to look at him, I resumed getting the table ready. When all was done, I sat down and looked at him. He did not budge. “Come sit down so we can talk about this reasonably.” I motioned at his chair.

Mark sat down and watched me as I began to eat. “What do you mean by ‘yes and no’?”

I took one more bite and sat back with coffee in hand. It seemed to give me the strength I needed to go on.

“Mark, I would love to have your blessing on this, but if your decision is in any way influenced by your mother then you do not have a say. I don’t want to sound too harsh, but for far too long I have been a doormat and my husband has watched it happen. Do you want to know more details?”

A light nod from Mark was all he gave me as an answer. “This program is a travelling educational program where I go around the world and study science, art, history, literature, and more at the very places the subjects were created. Several Ivy League schools are wanting to get the program started but do not want to waste a lot of money. So, I have been offered the chance to be the test subject. I have to talk to them to make sure that they are all in agreement about me participating.” Still no reaction from Mark could be seen. “All expenses are paid by them. I just need to pack and go.” I watched his face. His hazel eyes were staring blankly at me. His mouth was only slightly set. Finally, he blinked and seemed to focus in on me.

“So you are leaving me?”

Leigh began to laugh. “Leaving you? Mark, I am going on an extended educational vacation.”

“Sounds to me like you are leaving me.”

“Mark, I am going to discover who I really am. Have you not noticed how we never talk? Do you not realize that we rarely eat a meal together? I can count at least twenty times in the last two months where you never showed up for dinner. No phone calls. Nothing. I cook and wait for you. I spend more time eating and drinking alone than I do looking into your face. You didn’t notice that did you?” I began laughing at his expression. “Yes, Mark. I am alone most of the time. You didn’t even know that I had the chance for an affair, did you?” I watched him closely with those last words.

Mark’s eyes widen. “Did you?”

I took another sip deliberately keeping him in suspense. “Didn’t think anyone would want me?” Mercy won out as he got visibly upset. “No, I have not had an affair. I should be asking you since I have been the one home alone dining while you are supposedly at meetings.”

He began to stammer and turn red. “I was at meetings. I have witnesses.” He began to spit his words out.

“Don’t worry. I know where you have been. I’ve asked around. It just hurts that I could have and you never would have known.” I leaned forward. “Mark, I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel old and ugly. I never get to dress the way I want because someone will comment on how sloppy I look. I cannot have the hobbies I want because your mother deems them beneath me. I want to rediscover what I enjoy and who I am. I am sick of only being known as your wife or her daughter-in-law the nurse. Who is Leigh? What makes me tick? What are my dreams? How do I want to be remembered in life? I cannot answer these questions. I need to be able to or my fantasies of suicide might become reality.” I watched him and sipped my coffee.

“What does it mean to find yourself? I don’t understand.”

“Mark, you are doing what you love. I do something that I can do well. I used to have dreams that have been brushed under rugs and forgotten. I used to want to change the world. Yet, I find that the world ignores me and does not even know I exist. I’m tired of getting up in the morning to find that my sons have practically moved out, go to the same job that receives no thanks, come home to an empty house, fix a meal for a family that never shows up, be ridiculed for everything I do, and pretty much be known as a colossal failure. Mark, I need to get back in touch with myself.”

The minutes ticked by as he stared down at his plate and I continued to eat. The sound of the clock ticking the seconds away was loud in the quiet kitchen.

“What if I said no to this?” He looked me square in the eye

I stood strong and stared back. “I would go anyway.” He looked down again. “If you say no, then I know that we are over, Mark. I cannot be what you and your mother want me to be. I am me. I need to be accepted as me.”

He nodded slowly. “Fine. Make the arrangements. I’ll deal with Mother. I just hope that you know what you are doing.” Mark stood up and walked outside to the lawnmower that he had pulled out earlier.

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