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94.59% A Desolate Life / Chapter 245: Unacceptable Truth

Kapitel 245: Unacceptable Truth

Even though the illusions had stopped, Yaan could still see those images, as if they were burned into his eyes. Likewise, the sounds seemed to linger, echoing through his ears. He could see the blood and the brutalised corpses of every person he had cut down. He could hear the screams of pain and fear from every single person he had killed. He could still see the grieving expressions on the faces of the fallen's families as he passed through their lives like a walking calamity.

He had become a true monster, perhaps the worst monster below the Immortal Step that this world had ever seen.

Yaan had convinced himself that he had no heart, and he had truly believed it…but now, the illusion had finally broken down. After Yaan saw the truth in himself, he finally comprehended the 'truth fragment' of the illusion dao entirely, but this only caused his grief to grow deeper.

"I knew that I had become a monster, but I told myself - so what? I told myself that I had no heart! But it was all a delusion…I have actually been living in an illusion of my own creation…"

With the illusion covering his dao soul no longer in place, Yaan felt every single trace of agony that had gathered within his dao across the many gruelling years. He felt a pain like no other pain, a pain so unspeakable, both physically, mentally, emotionally, and on a level that could only be described as 'agony of one's dao', that it wouldn't be strange if he instantly died from the pain alone.

But instead, Yaan felt that this pain…was not enough…

He deserved so, so much worse.

How could any amount of pain be sufficient to repent for the terrible things he had done, for the misery he had spread across this world?

Yaan smiled with a broken smile so bitter, so sad and pained, that if others saw his face, they would break down in tears, unable to control themselves. Even immortals would be affected by this expression and the pained aura on his body, because right now, Yaan finally understood that he…had failed.

He had failed in every regard.

He had failed to understand his own heart. He had failed to live up to the ideals he once held as a young child. He had failed to choose the correct path…

But he had found the truth, right? Was that not what he set out to do in the first place, regardless of the cost, regardless of what he needed to become?

Well, he had indeed found the truth, only to realise that this truth…was something he could not bring himself to accept.

Why did he seek this truth so desperately? Just to understand the mysteries behind his life? That was part of it, but the other part, was because he had believed that only by discovering the truth, would he be able to walk against his damned fate!

He had lived his life as a monster, thinking that he was resisting his fate…but he was a heart demon, an entity deemed as malicious, evil and abominable, by all living beings under the sky! Everything he had done, was the path dictated for him from the very beginning! He had completely and utterly failed to walk against his fate!

Yaan, still racked with a sort of pain so unbearable that it would leave even gods begging for mercy, sighed deeply. A faint ray of understanding appeared in his eyes. However, despite there being the light of understanding…there was nothing else.

He had lost his drive, his motivation, his will to go on. Everything that had previously fuelled his will to follow his path, had now been flipped around, used to mock him and break him down.

"I understand that this is all true…but I am yet to accept it." Yaan suddenly spoke with an eery calmness, directing his monotone words to nobody in particular.

"So long as I accept it, I will pass my tribulation. I will become an immortal, and a strong immortal at that…"

After saying this, Yaan shook his head, sighing deeply.

"But accepting this truth, is the same as accepting my fate. If I accept this truth, I will return to the same path I was on before. I will continue to live as the 'evil heart demon', bringing calamity to this world, until finally, my preordained fate reaches its end. This end…is a battle against the Primordial Devil…"

Yaan smiled, but there was no joy in his smile. His smile was empty and his eyes were vacant, but he was already certain about the choice he was going to make.

"When I inevitably fight the Primordial Devil, either he kills me, resulting in my death and his ascension. Or, I kill him…resulting in the both of our deaths. My entire existence is based upon my dao soul existing in opposition to his. His death…also means my death…"

Yaan was certain of this. Now, without the illusion deluding him into overlooking his own dao heart and soul, he had attained complete comprehension over the truth fragment of the illusion dao.

Not all earthly daos were equal, and likewise, not all of the fragments that made up an earthly dao were equal. The truth fragment was one of the major fragments that made up the illusion dao.

Obviously Yaan couldn't understand all truths in this world, but he could at least see through the truths of himself.

Yaan knew what he needed to do, he knew what he wanted…

What he wanted, was for all of this to end.

He didn't care anymore. About life, about cultivation, about all the people scheming against him…

Had anything good come of his life? Had anything good come of his pursuit of cultivation?

He was tired of it all.

"If accepting the truth behind my existence means temporarily surviving by clinging to life and embracing my fate…then I would rather just fail and die right now."

The moment Yaan spoke these words, the world around him began to collapse. He closed his eyes, knowing that he had failed his immortal ascension tribulation, and that now, he would die. He didn't feel at peace with himself, but neither did he feel unwilling. He didn't feel anything much regarding the prospect of his own death…

Perhaps that was why, in this instant, the instant Yaan felt himself slipping into a place that he could only call 'death', he came to an understanding.

He had failed his tribulation, he was clearly fated to die, he knew that…

But perhaps death could wait, just for a little while.

Yaan opened his eyes in the physical world. Seeing this, Rui, the reincarnated Primordial Devil, and the Primordial Sage all watched him, remaining silent as he stood up.

Only…he did not shed his mortal skin.

"You…" The devil stared at Yaan with wide eyes, not understanding what he was witnessing right now.

"I failed my tribulation, yes." Yaan glanced at him apathetically and nodded.

"Then how are you still alive?!"

Yaan looked away, casting his gaze over the trees in the forest. He looked at all of the life that surrounded him, this vibrant world….this desolate world.

From the moment that Yaan returned from his failed tribulation until now, a deep golden vortex had been circulating through his eyes. This vortex emitted a strong pressure, a pressure that felt like life and death had intertwined, forming a cycle of infinite rebirth.

At the moment Yaan felt himself dying due to failing the tribulation, he actually comprehended the law of life and death to the immortal stage!

This was a principle law, a complete principle law!

And the fragment of life and death that he had comprehended, was naturally 'rebirth'. He had actually comprehended the heavenly dao's entire understanding of rebirth, the complete law of rebirth that naturally existed in this world…

His talent in comprehending life and death had always been incredible, after all, he inherited the Primordial Devil's own comprehension talent into this dao, which was clearly shocking.

Yaan had failed his tribulation, but he was alive…right?

Unfortunately, that was not really the case.

"You…there's not a single drop of life essence in your body, your soul, your Qi, or your mind!" The Primordial Devil stepped towards Yaan, his eyes glowing with red light as he tried his best to see through the mystery before him. However, in the next moment, the light vanished from his eyes and he stood up. His gaze towards Yaan had become very strange.

'So the mastermind behind him must be watching right now, they have already seen through the truth…' Yaan thought to himself mildly.

He was a dead man walking, it was impossible for him to feel threatened or afraid any longer. All he felt was a pained melancholy, and an uncertainty about how he should spend his remaining few years…

That said, once the Primordial Devil realised that Yaan was currently being sustained entirely by the mortal life essence that he had absorbed into his dao soul back then, and it was depleting at a terrifying rate, he would probably kill him, right?

Thinking this, Yaan shot up towards the sky without warning.

"Bastard!" The Primordial Devil didn't hesitate to lash out at Yaan, who had already reached the nearby formation in the sky so quickly that it caught everyone off guard.

BANG!

Yaan's body was obliterated entirely by the strike, but he forced himself to reform enough of his body and his cultivation, that he was at least able to activate the transportation formation.

The Primordial Devil was about to strike again. Yaan ignored him, focussed only on his escape. He knew that his chances were basically non-existent, but he had to try…he didn't care if he died, but dying to the Primordial Devil was unacceptable!

However, the Primordial Devil's second strike never came.

Floating by his shoulder in the air, visible only to the red-haired giant himself, the Primordial Sage convinced him to allow Yaan to escape.

"Don't kill him yet. He failed to reach the Immortal Step, but his understanding of his own dao has undergone a metamorphosis. Whilst he cannot form a named dao heart, his dao will continue improving up until the moment of his death."

"So I should wait until then? How long will that be?" The Primordial Devil asked through gritted teeth, clenching his fists in anger.

How could he not be angry? The plan they had been executing for the past 2,000 years, had now truly failed!

He was enraged, but the Primordial Sage remained indifferent. It was as if nothing could shake her heart…nothing in this world could even make her feel a single trace of emotion.

"He has absorbed an ocean of mortal life essence into his dao soul, but his body, soul, mind and Qi are already dead. In order to live, he must continually provide life to a body that has already died. He will soon realise the issue and choose to live as a mortal, giving him a mortal lifespan at most."

Contrary to his expectations, Yaan actually reached the portal, but he didn't waste any time dwelling on this. He immediately activated the formation according to the method he had deduced in 'secret' during the three years he spent training here under the devil's tuition.

Of course, the Primordial Sage saw through this, but she did nothing to stop him.

For the first time in an unknown number of years, the sky lit up with blinding star-light. From one star to the next, countless patterns of constellations filled the night sky. This light illuminated the entire region above the central Bloody Totem Province as a distinctive rune appeared in the sky.

The Bloody Totem Province had long since been evacuated due to the Blood Plane Lord informing the War Flower Emperor that he needed to be undisturbed in this region for three years. However, even though there was nobody within tens of thousands of miles of here, the rune glowed with such immense splendour that it could actually be seen from multiple neighbouring provinces. Billions of stunned lives stared up at the sky, unable to look away from this never seen before phenomena.

The rune, formed from countless star nodes, was filled with the dao of space. The moment this dao law erupted, it swallowed Yaan whole. In the next instant, Yaan vanished and the rune faded away, eventually disappearing entirely as the sky returned to normal.

Activating the formation turned out to be quite simple. This formation used the energy which was extracted from the world by those burning false stars over a period of 10,000 years. Thankfully, the formation's energy had been accumulating for far longer than this.

Just before Yaan was taken away to an unknown place, he looked back at the world around him and sighed. He had made far too many enemies in this region, but there were two figures that entered his mind as he left.

'Bloody Totem Tribe Leader…you knew from the beginning that I intended to use your tribe to reach my own goals, but you were willing to bet on me anyway. In the end, you never lost hope in me, even when I started losing my mind. At first, I thought you were just a selfish person with deep ambitions…but now I understand, you are simply a woman who loves her tribe more than anything else in the world. I hope that your tribe prospers, even without me…'

'Ga Shu…are you still alive, Ga Shu? I truly hope that you are alive and well…Ga Shu, if you one day return to this place, will you assume that I have died? Will you move on? Or will you wait for me endlessly, despite there being no hope of me ever coming back…? Ga Shu…you are the only person who ever called me 'good', despite understanding me…I hope that you live a good life, Ga Shu…'

And with that, Yaan vanished, entering a separate micro-realm, hidden from the outside world on the Blood Plane.

The Primordial Sage casually created a portal of her own making, entering alongside the Primordial Devil. Her expression remained unmoved as she followed after Yaan without the slightest bit of difficulty, but as always, she remained hidden in the shadows.


Kapitel 246: A Strange Mortal

BANG!

Yaan slammed into the ground, creating an enormous crater. His collision destroyed dozens of trees and sent rocks and dirt flying in all directions.

The rune that he used to enter this place was enormous, but the rune he exited from was barely a dozen feet across. It was not very eye-catching, and in fact, Yaan himself was far more eye-catching to the young mortal girl who happened to be standing around a hundred feet away from him, when she saw the sudden explosion in the midst of this usually calm forest.

After blinking in surprise, she dropped the items she had been holding onto. Seeing the cloud of dust rising up and surrounding her, she did not move away, but instead rushed straight into the danger zone without the slightest hesitation.

After the dust settled, she peered past the edge of the crater. She then watched with wide eyes as a child donning a tattered red robe, painfully picked himself up from the ground.

Yaan glanced at the mortal girl, before completely ignoring her and looking up into the sky with a sharp gaze. He saw that the small white rune was lingering in the sky, and although it was clearly fading away, its disappearance was too slow.

Without hesitation, Yaan leapt into the sky and slashed at the rune with the abyssal blood sword. He used this sword rather than any spells because he was trying to minimise the use of his cultivation, since his cultivation was already destroyed and he was forced to continuously rebuild it just to use his own strength.

Currently, Yaan was 'surviving' by using the life essence in his dao soul to continuously reform his body, mind and a mortal soul. This already used far too much life essence, so clearly, restoring his cultivation continuously would deplete his life essence at a terrifying rate.

Ga Shu had once used 3,000 drops of life essence to restore his cultivation…if Yaan wanted to restore his full cultivation, even without the slaughter elements, it would cost four times this…every single second.

So, as soon as he obliterated the rune in the sky, guaranteeing that nobody else could possibly follow through, he immediately allowed his cultivation to die once again, then let himself fall back down to the ground, not bothering to heal the grievous wounds across his body.

Keeping his body in this wounded state reduced the life essence expenditure. Besides, even if he simply sustained this injured mortal body, the wounds would heal over eventually.

Yaan hit the ground with a thud, then lay down in the pit tiredly. His eyes were half-shut and he felt exhausted on every level imaginable. He went through far too much during his tribulation, causing exhaustion to envelop even his dao soul.

Suddenly, Yaan was reminded of something. It was a seemingly random thought, but when he recalled this thing, it made him laugh in a self-depreciating manner.

"Hey, Rui…you once asked me a question…you asked me why I still wear red robes, remember? After all, my robes have been destroyed time and time again, but each and every time, I find myself a new red silk robe, as if it's only natural…"

Rui didn't reply. Yaan knew that she was still wary of being seen, either by the Primordial Devil, or by that scheming individual behind him.

Even if she remained silent though, Yaan knew that she could hear him.

"Back then, you asked me that question…you already knew that I was living a lie and denying the truth, didn't you, Rui? At that time, I answered that it's just a habit, something I do for no particular reason, only because it is what I have always done…"

Yaan laughed dully and shook his head.

"I wear red silk robes, because a red silk robe was the first gift that anyone ever gave me…it was a gift from my old teacher, who, even though he schemed against me, ended up reconsidering his choice. Back then, I felt betrayed, but now, I completely understand teacher's dilemma. Haha, he was a much better man than I have become…"

Yaan sighed as he thought back on that time nostalgically.

"I wear this robe, because this type of red robe was worn by the core disciples back in the Heavenly Path Sect. It represented our prestige, but more importantly, it displayed our unity as the crucial members of the sect…"

After a long period of silence, Yaan finally said:

"I wear these robes because they remind me of home."

Yaan lay there in silence for a long time, his eyes dull and lifeless, lacking the desire to do anything. He was without direction, he was dying, and he couldn't even muster up the will to care.

Still, Yaan made sure to focus on his life essence, and on the maintenance of his body. He needed to fully restore his body from death every single second if he wanted to maintain this tentative state of life, but the more impressive his cultivation was, the more life essence would be consumed.

Yaan allowed his cultivation to vanish entirely. In fact, he allowed his soul to revert to a mortal soul, he discarded his sea of consciousness, he crippled his own dantian, and he made his blood vessels thin and his body weak, such that his talent in every single cultivation path was completely destroyed.

Not only was his body weak, but his senses were also dulled. His hearing was poor, and his eyesight was bordering on blindness. He could make out blurred grey figures, but that was about all.

In this state, finally, Yaan was able to reduce the consumption of the life essence in his dao soul, the only life essence he had remaining, to three drops every second.

This was still a huge level of consumption, he would burn through well over 150,000 drops every single day!

But now, after that experience with his tribulation, Yaan was able to vaguely sense his dao soul. He could also feel the life essence contained within. There was…a lot.

He could not count it precisely, but at an estimate, he had accumulated around 1.5 billion drops.

"That gives me around 16 years…" Yaan muttered without much emotion.

"Ah! Are you ok?!"

Yaan blinked, then slowly turned his head to look up. He vaguely saw the outline of a person looking back at him, and from her voice, he could tell that she was a young girl, and clearly a mortal. It was the same mortal girl from before. It was surprising that did not flee in fear, but actually chose to approach him directly.

She knelt down by his side and without a word, she began treating his injuries. She applied ointments, bandages, and she even fed him some medicinal tinctures!

Yaan lay there, watching the girl through his blurred vision, without caring much about what she did to him.

"Phew…" She finally sat back, feeling satisfied that she had successfully treated his life-threatening injuries. It was only amateurish emergency aid, but it was the first time that she had done something like this after all!

From the start until now, Yaan remained silent.

"So, are you an immortal or something?" She suddenly asked. Before Yaan could respond, she leaned over him, getting in way too close to his face. However, due to Yaan's poor eyesight, he couldn't see what sort of expression she was making.

"I thought that immortals were just fairy stories, but I guess they're actually real. You should have died quite horrendously, hitting the ground at that speed. Also, you flew up, made a sword from nowhere, then destroyed the light circle in the sky!"

Finally, when Yaan heard the pure curiosity in her tone, he couldn't help but let out a wry laugh. He had met many people, including mortals, cultivators, immortals, and even beings that could probably be called gods. Because of his experience, he knew that this girl's reaction to discovering him was completely bizarre…she was definitely a strange person.

"Aren't you afraid that I might kill you?" Yaan finally spoke, feeling like this conversation was as good a use of his remaining time as any.

"Hmm? Are you going to kill me?" The girl blinked and tilted her head, showing no fear, only curiosity.

"Maybe I will…I've killed many, many people…they call me a demon, they call me evil…the amount of suffering spread by my own two hands cannot possibly be repented for…"

As Yaan spoke, he burned through more of his life essence just to release his full killing intent. Of course, without his cultivation, the 'strength' of his killing intent was not at its maximum potential. Even so, this level of killing intent should still be enough to cause any mortal to drop to the floor in terror, sending them insane, causing them to scream, beg, cry, and be traumatised for the remainder of their life.

Yaan showed his aura to this girl because he felt that her reaction might be a bit different…and he was right.

She did not scream in terror. She did not even move, but she was not paralysed in fear. Yaan's eyesight was lacking, but when he felt something warm drop onto his face, he decided to briefly heal his eyes. He thought that she might be bleeding, having been injured due to his crash landing just now.

But instead, when the haze in his brown eyes cleared away, he saw an ordinary looking girl with an average appearance. Her hair was light brown, whilst her eyes were slightly darker. She was not particularly attractive, but neither was she ugly. Her looks were quite ordinary…but the look in her eyes was not.

The mortal girl looked at him with soft understanding as tears dripped down from her eyes. She shed just a few tears for a brief period of time, but these were not tears of pity or sadness, neither were they tears of happiness or amusement. When Yaan saw these tears with his ordinary mortal eyes, he actually could not understand why they were being shed.

"So even immortals are not immune to life's inherent sufferings." She smiled with a strange expression. This smile was neither happy nor sad, it was simply a look of compassion.

Compassion without pity, understanding without sadness. This girl…was not normal.

Suddenly and without warning, she leaned down and hugged Yaan's injured body tightly. Yaan's eyes widened, completely caught off guard in this moment.

What was happening right now? What was wrong with this girl? Yaan could see that she didn't doubt his words, she knew that he really was a monstrous killer, and yet…she hugged him?

"You've been through a lot, haven't you? As I thought, all life in this world suffers, no matter their status, their riches, their health, their intelligence, or even their strength…we all suffer, in a way unique to ourselves, such that nobody can ever truly understand the pains that we have been through, nor can we understand the pains of others…"

As this mortal teenage girl hugged, him, then slowly pulled back and spoke these words with a deep, melancholic sigh, Yaan just stared at her. For a moment, she was surprised, finally noticing that the haze in his eyes had vanished…until it then began to return.

"Sorry, I have a tendency to ramble! Anyway, we need to get you back to the village! Your injuries are stable for now, but they're still quite bad, you need to see a real doctor!"

After saying this, the girl actually lifted Yaan up, dropping him over her shoulder, seemingly forgetting that half of the flesh around his stomach had been torn away.

But the pain meant nothing to Yaan. Instead, he looked down at the moving grass below him, and had a thought.

'Mortal life…maybe, a normal, brief, mortal life, would have been better…'

After thinking this strange thought, Yaan closed his eyes. Before losing consciousness and falling into a strange slumber, he finally allowed his memories to die, putting no effort into restoring them.

The memories of so many years of cultivation, the memories of so many bizarre and enlightening experiences, required too much life essence to sustain. They were only memories, but without them, he was able to reduce his life essence expenditure to the minimum; a single drop every second.

This would give him almost 50 years, before he died in every sense of the word.

Even without his memories, his heart continued to resist death, allowing him to continue drawing out the life essence from his dao soul. However, this was no longer a conscious effort, and as such, he became even weaker than before.

Yaan entered a deep sleep. Within this slumber, he used his deep comprehension over illusions to grant himself this one, final, selfish wish.

A mortal life…he just wanted to live an ordinary mortal life.


AUTORENGEDANKEN
SpicyDaoist SpicyDaoist

The final 10 chapters of volume 4 will be released tomorrow! As I've said before, a mortal arc will lead up to the ending...it's quite long, but hopefully not too long. I wanted to do a full length, detailed mortal arc, so let's see how this goes. I'd definitely like feedback so that I can improve it further for the re-release if I need to. Enjoy!

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