Kapitel 14: The Price of a Life
He was still bothered by these thoughts into the evening. The hopeful expression of the imprisoned soldiers kept rising up in his mind. When he fell asleep that night, it wasn't restful. The faces of soldiers just like the ones in those cells filled his dreams. Their pained screams and cries surrounded him, the sound of them dying amongst the chaos of the battlefield. The air of death that pressed in was so dense it was suffocating. He could see the bright face of a young youth, full of life. It had been his first battle. That face turned deathly pale, blood dripping down from his forehead, those cold, dead eyes burning into him. He was their general. They were his soldiers. He was responsible for all of their deaths. Those eyes devoid of life seemed to be accusing him. The fingers of half dead soldiers clawed at him, some clinging to him, some as if they were trying to tear into him.
When he finally woke from that hellish nightmare, a scream escaped his lips. He sat forward on the bed, curled in on himself slightly, clutching desperately at his chest. Even as he breathed fast, his chest heaving, he still felt like he was suffocating. He couldn't shake off the lingering remnants of the nightmare, his skin crawled with the feeling of cold fingers. He started rubbing at his arms, chest, legs, trying to scrub away that feeling.
A knock came at his door.
"General Fei, are you alright?"
The door opened enough for Lu Qinyi to peek in, the light from the cube held in his hand poured into the dark room. In that dim light, he could see Fei Li hunched over on the bed, frantically scrubbing at himself. He rushed over, taking a hold of the other's wrists in a gentle but firm hold. "General Fei, there's no need for that. It's alright," he spoke softly, slowly pulling Fei Li's arms down. He was truly grateful one of the guards had been concerned and went to fetch him as Fei Li had seemed about ready to start scratching his own skin off.
Given the circumstances, Fei Li should have felt more distress seeing Lu Qinyi. However, his frantic mind didn't reason, acting instead on the instinct that had been built up these passing months. He calmed down gradually as he stared at Lu Qinyi, who gazed back with that familiar gentleness. He repeated the words Lu Qinyi had said, 'It's alright', to himself mentally a few times. The warmth of the living at his wrists overpowered the feeling of cold fingers on his body.
"Gen.. General Fei... you don't have to hold onto me. I won't go anywhere so please let go," Lu Qinyi requested, looking rather flustered and unsettled. Fei Li had been so desperate to cling onto that warmth that he had unknowingly gripped Lu Qinyi's hands. Fei Li suddenly came to his senses, all traces of the nightmare vanishing in an instant. He hastily let go of Lu Qinyi as if the latter had burned him. Seeing Fei Li's utterly mortified expression, opening and closing his mouth as he tried to work out what to say, Lu Qinyi simply smiled in understanding.
"Don't worry about it, General Fei. We're both soldiers. I understand."
"Understand what? This has to be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life." Fei Li muttered darkly as he pressed his fingertips against one of his temples.
"I understand what it's like. There isn't one soldier who's been on a battlefield who doesn't suffer nightmares."
Fei Li was silent for a moment. "Are you saying you have nightmares?" Fei Li almost couldn't believe that. Lu Qinyi truly seemed untouchable some days.
Lu Qinyi's smile dimmed. "Of course." Lu Qinyi really didn't want to talk further on this. Unlike Fei Li, he wouldn't wake up from his nightmares in terror. He couldn't wake up from them. They would drag on and on and yet he couldn't wake up from them. He sometimes wondered how long he would stay trapped in them if Lin Jiao or one of his lieutenants didn't wake him up in the mornings.
Fei Li wasn't sure how to respond for a long while. He finally responded with a quiet "Ah." His thoughts were buzzing again, burning with the same question but he was unsure if he truly dared to ask it. He was unsure if he truly wanted to know the answer.
Lu Qinyi glanced him over, confirming that Fei Li was fine now. "Since you've calmed down, I'll take my leave. Good night General Fei." As he was turning to leave, Fei Li raised a hand as if to stop him but he just as quickly withdrew it. However, Lu Qinyi's gaze was really too keen, he had noticed and paused in his steps. He thought for a moment then pulled the chair from the table over to the bedside and sat down, arm leisurely draped across the back of the chair.
Fei Li's eyes widened slightly, his brows furrowing. "What are you doing? I won't be able to sleep with you here."
"Then let's talk instead, shall we? Just for a while. Humour me, General." He said as lightly as ever, adjusting the black bamboo hairpin more securely in his hair and pulling his outer robe more tightly around himself. It seemed as if he were making himself more comfortable, truly intending to stay and chat for a while.
Fei Li pursed his lips. If he were being truthful, he wasn't ready yet to face the night alone again. And he did have something he wanted to ask, so he agreed. "If you insist."
"What shall we talk about then? How about... do you have much family waiting for you at home? Are you married?"
Fei Li was flabbergasted, Lu Qinyi had jumped right into the personal questions! "Why would you care to ask about my family?"
"Why not? There's no harm in it. It shouldn't be confidential knowledge. Or would you rather I ask for military information?"
Of course he didn't, but he didn't exactly want to chat about his personal life with the enemy general of the South either. After some thought, he decided there truly wasn't any harm in it so he responded stiffly "Just parents. I'm not married."
"Only your parents? That must be boring. At least with siblings you have someone to play around with. Unmarried too, that's a surprise."
Fei Li wasn't enjoying having his personal affairs commented on so at this point he cut in with a "And what about you General Lu?"
Lu Qinyi grinned. "Parents and of course my sister." There was then a strange, devious glint in his eyes as he added, "And I have a betrothed."
"Marrying after the war is settled?"
Lu Qinyi held back laughter, his grin widening. He only responded with a vague "Perhaps." The truthful response was not a chance but that wasn't any fun. Besides, he couldn't risk rumours ruining this perfect plan. Even if Fei Li didn't seem the gossiping type, information often found ways to leak.
Fei Li felt sorry for the poor soul who had to be betrothed to Lu Qinyi. "Is it an arranged betrothal?" He wondered aloud. It was a common practice for families of nobility, which Lu Qinyi was, and for those of high position, which Lu Qinyi also was. His own family had even considered arranging a marriage for him but decided that his focus shouldn't be split. They didn't want any distractions so even a love life was discouraged.
Lu Qinyi was a bit surprised by this question for a moment, pausing to think of a response. "You could say that. It was our parent's idea more than ours."
Fei Li decided they had faffed about with idle conversations long enough. He'd finally made up his mind to ask that pestering question, otherwise he felt the issue wouldn't be laid to rest and he wouldn't be able to sleep well. He pulled his blankets up further around him, pausing for a moment to collect himself. "General Lu... there's something I've been meaning to ask."
Lu Qinyi gestured for him to go ahead.
"Those soldiers... Why did you keep them alive? In such good conditions nonetheless. The resources required for that..."
Lu Qinyi's expression grew solemn, his voice growing quieter. "Because I see no reason for them to need to die. Many of the soldiers, yours or mine, aren't choosing to participate in this war. Unlike me, many of them are here for lack of a better choice. What's the price of a life General Fei? Some resources. Why should the price of a war, the lives lost in a war, be higher than necessary over some resources?"
Fei Li felt pierced by this response, a deep sense of shame and guilt welling up within him. He had prioritized strategy, the greatest chances of success, over lives. Although this was what he had been taught to do, what he was told he should do, when he recalled the joy in those soldier's eyes when they saw him and the hope on their faces, he felt... complicated. When faced with Lu Qinyi's opposing dedication to this senseless decision, he couldn't help but feel he was making the wrong choice. "Why did you take me to see the prison?"
Lu Qinyi smiled at him faintly. "I was hoping to change your mind. Those are just the prisoners in transition, I have kept more of your soldiers alive than that. They're being kept similarly. I'm not asking you to drain resources you don't have on enemy soldiers, even I've had to leave the more wounded ones to die. But my hope is that you won't let them all die. I feel it's truly too tragic an end for loyal soldiers to die for no good reason."
That 'for no good reason' pierced Fei Li even further. Fei Li was silent for a long while, a complicated expression on his face. Finally he spoke, looking at Lu Qinyi with brows furrowed in confusion. "You knew I disregarded your proposal... yet you still saved my soldiers, knowing yours weren't being saved. I may have never fallen into your hands to see those soldiers, you may have never had that mercy returned."
"Mmmhm. If I'm not willing to back my words with actions, how can I expect others to even consider my words? Even if you never agreed to my proposal or returned my mercy, perhaps when these events are written down, someone else will see how the waste of these lives is more than the waste of resources. That all the reasoning behind this practice is shallow. Or perhaps I'll be thought of as a fool. I could go down in history as 'The Foolish General', what do you think?" Even after saying such profound words, giving such a stirring speech, he was still difficult to take seriously. He didn't even take himself seriously, jumping immediately back into light-hearted jokes, as if he hadn't just bled words straight from his heart. Still, his words had hit their mark.
Fei Li sat back, leaning on the head of the bed. "Alright. I'll be a fool as well then." The corner of his lip curled up in a barely visible bitter smile. He could already imagine the backlash and scolding he would face for this. But it was the decision he felt was right. He felt even more bitter with that thought, but he was bitter with himself. To have needed to be convinced by his enemy to make the right decision was truly pathetic. There was no reason he couldn't win this war while leaving less people to die. There was a difference in being merciless when necessary and simply leaving soldiers for dead and it had taken Lu Qinyi's eccentrism, and facing the soldiers he'd written off for death, for him to see that.
Even in the dim light of that room, Lu Qinyi's smile was bright. "Let's be fools together then General Fei. Sleep well General." He stood up, collecting the cube that had been set on the bedside table.
Fei Li nodded to him. "Good night General Lu."
Lu Qinyi gave a characteristic wave over his shoulder as he left. Oddly enough, Fei Li did sleep well after that, as if his decision had appeased the dead spirits that haunted him, and they allowed him a night of peace in return.
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
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Rangliste 
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Stein