Kapitel 18: The Saki I Loved

"Saki-san, would you believe me if I said I loved you?"

"Wh-What!? Stop joking around." She started moving her legs faster. She was definitely restless.

I said nothing, just stared into her eyes. I don't know what to say. This was my first time confessing to a girl.

I was nervous too.

"I- I don't know." She replied hesitantly after a while.

There goes my life.

I'm so dead.

Things don't always turn out the way we want it to. I, of course, don't expect her to suddenly forget all her problems because someone said some sweet things to her and fell in love with that person.

Humans are really complex creatures when it comes to emotions. That's what differs us from other animals.

Tomose was in a state of mental isolation, and she still allowed me to visit her. This might mean that I'm special to her, but it certainly doesn't mean that she loves me.

"I mean, I can try if it's you." She said while looking away from me.

"Really?"

This is the most romantic manga-like situation I have seen in actual life. And part of the surprise is that I'm the one in this situation.

"But don't expect much from me." She added that.

"Why is that?"

"Be… Because…" She was struggling with her words.

This behaviour resulted from long-term gaslighting by Yoshiwa. She was always in a sense of self doubt.

"But what if I make you hate me? I'm not an ideal girl. I'm selfish. I'm self-centred. I-"

She questions herself to the point where she thinks that she doesn't deserve love.

"I don't care." I said.

I bent down a little to match her eye level and stared into her eyes. I held her hand a bit tighter to assure her. Even small physical stimuli like this can help a person feel comfortable in situations like this.

"B...But-" She was about to say something, but I didn't let her finish.

"So what if you're not an ideal girl? No human is ideal."

"But… I might end up hurting you. You'll hate me for it," She said.

"If you ever hurt me, I won't hate you." She looked at me in surprise. I guess her mind couldn't process all the things that were happening.

She was having a cocktail of emotions in her brain at that moment.

"You're egoistic, self-centred, selfish. I can continue the list but…" I took a slight pause and smiled.

"But?" She asked softly.

"Whatever you are, it makes you the Saki that I fell in love with." I interrupted her.

We kept staring at each other. There was complete silence in the room except for the sound of her table clock clicking. I noticed as her face slowly became red. She broke the staring contest between us.

"See it's 6 pm, you should go home now." She snatched her hand away from my grasp.

I looked at her, and she looked away. She stood up quickly as some of the strands of her brown hair fell on her face. She quickly tucked them behind her ear and gave me a gentle push towards her door.

"So, should I take that as a yes?"

"No, I mean, you're... wait I can't…"

"You what?"

"I don't know." She pushed me out the door and closed it behind me.

I again knocked at her door.

"Wh-What?" I heard her flustered voice.

"My bag, it's inside."

She cracked the door, took her hand out, holding my bag. She gave me the bag and closed it instantly.

I sighed.

So what did I get?

Was the contract complete?

Did she fall in love with me?

I had a ton of questions running wild in my mind as I stood in the darkness outside her door. I should really head home and ask Lilith for any updates regarding Tomose.

Also, I just confessed to someone. I can't believe it. I was a loner, and confessing to someone was an impressive feat for me. I was so nervous when she held my hand, but I didn't express it outside.

I headed downstairs to take my leave.

I was wearing my shoes. Mrs. Tomose was standing beside me. I stood up and gave her a smile before walking outside.

"It was nice having you over Sakamaki-san. Do visit us again."

"Sure, I will." I bowed to her.

"Also, thank you." There was visible confusion on my face.

"She was genuinely happy to see you. I don't know what happened to her in school since she won't tell me, no matter how much I asked. I saw her smile after two days as I told her you came to visit her."

"You're giving me way too much credit. I just came to pass her the notes. But I appreciate your gratitude."

"I didn't know she had friends like you." I just smiled as she made that comment.

"Thank you for having me over. I will now go since it's getting late."

"Be safe on your way back home." I bowed to her again and took my leave.

Saki's mom is such a nice person. She was a mother who certainly loved her kid. Saki is lucky to have a mother like that.

On my way back, I was thinking about what happened today.

I entered a girl's room for the first time. Also, I have never seen Saki act so flustered in school. She was always this composed girl.

I don't know if this was enough to make her fall for me. Though I gave my best.

I was near the stairs of my apartment, but I felt an unbearable pain surge through my arm. It felt like someone was cutting my arm from inside. No, it was an unfamiliar pain.

I clutched my left arm with my other arm and I leaned on the wall next to me.

The pain was excruciating. I was becoming short of breath and the vision was becoming blurry. I was sweating hard.

I stopped walking and slammed myself on the wall next to me. Having my arm cut off for real would've hurt less than this.

I somehow made my way up the stairs and started walking towards my flat. I was feeling dizzy. The path in front of me felt like it was melting down.

I left the hold off my arm and raised my finger to ring the bell, but before I could press the button, my hand was feeling so heavy that I fell on the door with a loud noise.

I was barely conscious now. I can't think of anything. My brain was shutting down slowly.

The door opened, and before blacking out; I saw the silhouette of Lilith.