Kapitel 7: Chapter 2: Smiles, Rivalry, Tears, And More Tears Part 3: Worthlessness.
Daizen said loudly as his voice echoed off the gym walls and floors, a smile came onto his face as he began to stare at Alex as he ran towards a ball before the others even reached the middle.
People on Alex's and Daizen's team ran to the middle trying to get a dodgeball. Some of the people on Alex's team got some balls but most of Daizen's members had balls and only three people on his team had a dodgeball.
Alex was in the back behind people crouched, other people who were in the front were throwing balls at each other. Alex turned to someone on his team, he turned to his right and looked at Itsuki, a person he picked because he was nerdy looking and smart. He whispered to him as he hid behind the people who were in the front.
"Hey Itsuki, you're smart, what's the plan?"
Itsuki let out a sigh as he looked back at Alex, he fixed his glasses using his middle finger to push them back up to his face.
"Hey, just because I look nerdy doesn't mean- Nevermind we should probably try to flank them and-"
Suddenly Itsuki was cut off before he could finish his speech of plan something happened in over an instant. When Alex was looking at Itsuki, he saw it in slow motion. Itsuki was hit square in the face with a dodgeball, he instantly fell onto the ground as Alex looked at him in confusion. Alex yelled in a dramatic and cliche fashion.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!"
He then looked up and when he did, he let out a huge gasp as he saw what was in front of him. Alex's team only now had five people left in it. This situation reminded him of a light novel or anime he had seen before, where the main character loses an ally and the villains look at the protagonist menacingly, but this was only a figment of Alex's imagination and his love for anime, quickly snapped out of it and looked towards his enemies. The students that were hit by the ball quickly left to watch the rest of the match. The situation was Daizen's team had only ten people of the twenty that they had originally in the game. Alex looked in shock as he suddenly jolted up from his crouched state. He felt eyes on him from the other side and quickly turned around to face them. They were all smiling with a dodgeball in their hands.
"W-what how?!"
Daizen looked at Alex as he pointed at him with his right index finger. Daizen was somewhat smiling and had a condensing tone to it.
"That was too easy, you're next Alex!"
Alex's five team members were doing their best to stay in the game, the last five members consisted of three athletic dudes and two girls. They ran around the court dodging all the balls they could. Everyone else on the team besides Alex was taking out members and now Daizen's team had seven people. The dudes were doing their best and dodging, Alex was just running around the court dodging balls as best as he could cowardly but fast at the same time. Daizen was personally targeting him by throwing dodgeballs at him, Alex was luckily dodging every ball he threw but he knew that wouldn't last.
Alex's team was doing a decent job at taking out Daizen's team members, surprisingly they had shortened to five including Daizen making the teams equal in member size. But that all changed in two seconds, Alex looked happy, He didn't know he was going to last this long. He was glad that his teammates were carrying him into victory. Four loud smacks could be heard that averted Alex's attention, he found the reason for the smacks as he saw the rest of his four teammates fall onto the floor after being hit with dodgeballs. Alex thought "Damn it!" to himself as he watched the rest of his teammates fall, ultimately making them exit and watch from the sidelines.
Daizen and the rest of his four teammates laughed as Daizen stared at Alex.
"Hehe, guess you lost again Alex?"
"Ahhh fuck you man"
Alex said towards Daizen with anger in his voice. It wasn't just anger though it was mixed in with the feelings he felt earlier which were jealousy, rivalry, and envy. He wished he had what Daizen had, popularity, good looks, and likeability. Alex knew he lacked in all of those departments. He stood there for about 5 seconds after his dialogue with Daizen, but it felt like hours. He was stuck in his head talking to himself reminding himself of how much of a loser he was. He felt as if he was stopped mentally he couldn't think, but that word, stop it popped into his head again.
"Take this!"
Alex heard from the other side of the gym, he quickly looked up as he saw Daizen and his teammate's mid-way throwing dodgeballs his way. Alex wanted his body to strengthen. He began to focus on every limb and organ in his body. As the dodgeballs were inching closer, he began to see the familiar black glow surrounding the outlines of his body. He felt his energy being outputted and somewhat multiplied and not drained like it was previously. He heard the familiar voice in his head talk to him, it had the demonic and angelic voice to it.
"Glow."
Alex was confused, he didn't know why the voice was talking to him once more but he didn't care his focus was on his limbs and organs, and wanting to grow them stronger, the word popped into his head one more time as it did once before, the word was somewhat assuring to Alex but also at the same time frightening him to the core of his soul and body.
"Stop."
The dodgeballs suddenly stopped in front of him right before they touched him, Alex jumped back quickly looking at the dodgeballs that were still midair. It happened once again as it did beforehand, this snapped Alex back into reality he had previously forgotten about the voice and his powers for the time being in the gym. Even though the voice was talking in his head constantly he never paid attention and only heard gibberish. He felt his stomach burning as he then heard the voice speak in his head once more. He felt fear of being alone, but something more was consuming him on the inside and that was his rivalry, jealousy, and envy that he had for Daizen.
"Exchange"
A burning sensation and a shake came from within Alex's stomach as he then felt a hand around his neck. This hand began to choke him as the burning sensation grew, due to the choking and burning sensation, the pressure of both caused him to cough blood from his mouth. It wasn't as severe as the previous times but it still hurt and felt weird. He fell onto the ground as he knew more blood was on its way once more. He was trying to get used to this happening but he still felt pain in his neck and stomach which was immense. Blood slowly dripped from his mouth as he stood up with rather ease. He quickly took notice that his energy wasn't drained like it was the last time. "Weird" is the only word he could think of as he then looked down at his hand which had a blackish glow to it.
"This black glow is kinda cool though."
Alex stood there looking at his hands which were glowing, he was just smiling at his glowing hands wondering why they were glowing in the first place. He needed a mirror because he had a feeling that his eyes would glow the same, but there were no mirrors in the gym. He shook his head as he realized he was getting distracted. He was now focused on beating his enemies, which were Daizen and his teammates; he wanted to be cool and popular, and thought being good at sports could make him cool. If he could just win this game, he hoped and thought everyone else would think of him as cool.
Alex then looked back at the dodgeballs, he grabbed one of the balls that were still and quickly threw one at Daizen's teammates. He was aiming right for his face, and it flew across the room hitting him in slow motion. It was by the man's face but it didn't affect him because time was not moving. He then moved to the side to look for more balls to throw at the rest of his three other teammates. Alex's speed and strength had increased to double without him even realizing it, the air pressure moved as he ran. His messy white spiked hair moved as he quickly ran through the wind looking for more dodgeballs to pick up. He eventually found more dodgeballs and quickly used his right hand, gripping them as he threw them at Daizen's other teammates.
Another word was slowly put into his head as he realized he couldn't do this time stopping ability any longer. He said the words in his head subconsciously, his energy was somewhat taken.
"Continue"
As soon as that word subconsciously entered his mind his eyes were suddenly forced closed very quickly in a blinking-like fashion. As he opened his eyes quickly, he watched as everyone else watched in shock. Alex's body still had a black glow, but the other students didn't notice that. Alex also realized he was more tired, he only used his time ability for about 10 seconds he felt he couldn't do it anymore so that was the reason why he acted quickly.
Due to them not seeing Alex throw the ball the situation played out differently when they saw it. As soon as time resumed they saw the balls that Daizen and his teammates threw completely missed Alex. But to add on top of that, they also saw the balls that Alex had thrown earlier. The balls were very fast, they were thrown so fast that the air pressure increased as they hit each one of them. In a matter of seconds, they saw everyone on Daizen's side except Daizen himself be hit and knocked out.
Daizen looked worried, he looked down as he saw his teammates go down with quick speed. He then looked at Alex for a quick second and then a smile formed on his face that quickly disappeared in a millisecond.
"You guys ok?"
Daizen quickly got on his knee and he turned as he tried to wake up his friends but they were knocked out and weren't talking. He could see they were hurt, they were knocked out and they were slowly waking up. Daizen was still very worried as he helped his teammates up.
Alex watched the situation and smiled as he took this as a chance to take out the last teammate on Daizen's team which was him. Usually, Alex could see what was wrong with this situation, he knocked out two people and possibly injured them and Daizen worried about something he doesn't do too often.
But there was something different about Alex, he was filled with the same emotions of not being accepted by his peers and being constantly ignored by them, and not having popularity like others. He was filled with wanting to win his rivalry with Daizen, he was filled with jealousy and envious of Daizen's popularity and his physical features. He was desperately hoping beating Daizen could give him popularity like Daizen and everyone would like him. So, with that, he desperately threw the ball at Daizen's back. The ball was fast as it tore through the wind, it hit Daizen in the back causing him to fall in pain, he yelled loudly his voice echoing off the gym walls grabbing everyone's attention, as he fell gripping his back with his right hand.
"Take that, I win!"
Alex said as he knew he just won the dodgeball match, he stuck his nose out as he got a cocky look on his face. He waited for all the other students to clap and say his name. He put his arms out in victory as he awaited for women to get all over him. He felt like it was happening, everyone was cheering his name and saying he won. He knew from now on he would be popular just like how Daizen was, just because he beat him in dodgeball. But this was all figment of his imagination, it was a lie, not the truth, only an escapist technique that Alex tried to tell himself from escaping the truth that was in front of him. In reality, everyone including the gym teacher asked "Are you ok?!" and ran over to Daizen's side. He was hurt and fell; they rushed to his side and picked him up. Alex watched in confusion as he wondered why no one was coming over to him and congratulating him, he thought maybe they didn't notice him and decided to walk up to the group of students and gym teacher helping Daizen and his teammates off the ground. As he walked closer, he danced and bragged about winning. His black glow quickly disappeared as he jumped up in happiness that he won the match.
"HA! I won Daizen."
He said as he danced around moving his body side to side with happiness, he then reached his hand over to attempt to poke him with his index finger, but before he could poke him a hand stopped him and pushed him to the side as he fell on the ground. It was one of Daizen's friends. The boy had black hair and was rather athletic; his strength was far superior to Alex's. He was confused as he turned around to look at everyone else. They looked towards Alex in disgust, their eyes were filled with anger and annoyance for Alex they could see he was acting childish. Alex was still confused, he didn't know why they were so mad at him, he won the match he thought this would make him popular and everyone would like him. Alex stood up as he looked towards the students and gym teacher as he spoke.
"B-but, I won! I beat Daizen!"
"Who cares?"
One of the students said as they continued to help Daizen and his four other teammates. They picked them all up off the floor, five students each including Daizen. Daizen touched his back as he was in pain from the dodgeball that was thrown at his back. The students saw this and some students took Daizen and his teammates to the nurse's office. Everyone gave Alex death stares including the gym teacher, they were primarily mad at Alex because he hurt Daizen.
"..."
Alex was silent, he didn't understand why they cared about him so much he thought they only liked him for his popularity and looks. He stood there stuck thinking to himself as all the other remaining students were talking behind his back about how much of an asshole he was being. He heard this and began to doubt himself. He kept asking why they weren't happy for him, this wasn't the first time Alex and Daizen had a rivalry battle in the gym. Whenever he lost everyone congratulated Daizen, but when he won no one cared, but that's when he snapped, he fell onto the ground realizing what he had just done. He hadn't noticed these thighs because he was filled with jealousy and envy of Daizen's popularity and he wanted to beat Daizen because of the rivalry they had with each other. He was blinded by them, he desperately wanted to be popular and he didn't notice his actions until they were too late. He knew he was a loser, this is why he wanted to become cool but he had gone too far.
He knocked out people and even hurt one of his best friends. He didn't want to be seen by others, he averted his eyes to the ground as he quickly ran to the bleachers to grab his book bag. He grabbed his bookbag instantly, putting his right arm through the backpack sleeve. He headed to the exit of the gym, as he was walking he felt everyone's eyes on him he could feel their hate he quickly left the gym. He knew he could get in trouble but he couldn't stand the feeling and pressure of being hated by most of the people in the room.
He slowly entered the hall as he went up to a vending machine that was in a small corner and sat down putting his head down in his arms, putting his backpack on the ground. He felt like crying, he didn't usually cry but he was sad he never wanted to show his weaknesses and since no one was around he let a few tears fall down his face. Redness grew around his eyes as more tears fell from his eyes, he cried quietly. He had his head down as a few more tears fell down his face, he knew why he was crying. It was a mixture of multiple things maybe because he knew how much of a bad person he was at the moment. He wasn't good at anything and he knew it. Maybe that's why he was so upset and why he hated himself. He had terrible self-confidence and a terrible sense of self-worth, he knew he had no likeability either he knew this but still acted the way he did. It was the absence of his father also, he hadn't seen him as much since they moved to Japan this all made him sad.
"I'm worthless."
But something stopped all this, a large sound could be heard throughout the school. It was the bell ringing, the bell that tells all kids to get to their next class. Students began to exit their classrooms and people from his gym had also begun to leave the class as well.
Alex heard this even when he faced down in his arms crying looking at the floor, he quickly wiped his tears. The reason he did this was that he had pride and he didn't want to seem weak to others even though he wasn't popular in the least he didn't want to seem weak to others. His anxiety was warning him to not cry in front of others because people would just make fun of him more than they already did. He instantly stood up grabbing his bookbag in the process, he then began pretending as if he was at the vending machine the whole time. He reached into his book bag pocket and pulled out a hundred-yen coin.
He heard students talking and instantly turned to the opposite side of where the voices were coming from, he still looked at the vending machine. The reason he turned his head he recognized these voices from his gym class. He didn't want to face them. He knew how much of a bad person he was to Daizen and he knew that they were going to tell others. It was inevitable, Daizen is the most popular kid in the school. Since he was sent to the nurse's office, others would know and find out he did it. Alex stood at the vending machine thinking of how people were going to hate him and dislike him more than he already did. He was in his head for a few seconds just thinking, not overthinking, a bunch of scenarios of him being bullied appeared in his head that made him feel scared. He thought that even his only other friends would leave him too, which made him feel alone. About five minutes passed, but something snapped him out of his overthinking.
"Uh? Can you hurry up and get something?"
Alex turned around to see a bunch of people but there was a girl with short white hair from his gym class right behind him, she looked at him with hate in her eyes, he knew it was Yua from his gym class. He looked behind the girl and saw other students with hate in their eyes. Alex was nervous, he didn't want to be here very long, he didn't like getting stares from everyone. He didn't know why they were staring but he guessed because he hurt Daizen. He still had the hundred-yen coin in his hand that he got from his backpack and pushed it in the vending machine slot. The soda came out of the vending machine, he grabbed it as he quickly walked away from the vending machine area and into the hallway.
As soon as he stepped into the hallway, he felt eyes on him as he looked from right to left. People would look at him and when he looked at them, they turned away, they would whisper to one another as Alex continued to walk down the hallway. Alex had lunch so he did not need to hurry, but he had a feeling they were talking about him so he quickly fast-walked to the cafeteria.
He took a deep breath as he was outside of the cafeteria. He stared at the cafeteria door. He knew his friends would be there, that worried him but it wasn't the only thing that worried him. He was anxious thinking that everyone in the cafeteria would know what would happen in the gym. That made him scared but what made him more fearful is that his friends would know and wouldn't want to be his friend anymore. That's when the voice talked to him once more, making him feel worse. The voice had more of a demonic tone this time as it spoke making fun of him.
"Loser, worthless. Good for nothing. You'll never amount to anything"
But this time its voice had a tone to it, the voice sounded like a demon but at the same time angelic. Alex noticed it but didn't care for it. He let out a sigh as he wondered why he was going through all of this. He knew some of this was his fault, but did he deserve the voice in his head? He questioned himself on this, he told himself that he had come to terms with his powers and the voice in his head but that was a lie and he knew it. He knew this and still wanted to be calm.
It was impossible, too many things were going through his head. He felt alone and hopeless, He thought all his only friends would leave, he kept repeating his insecurities in his head, he took one more deep breath in and slowly reached his right hand to open the cafeteria door. He opened the door slowly, his hand was sweaty, he was filled with nothing but fear. He stepped into the cafeteria and his eyes gazed around the cafeteria. People stared at him and whispered, multiple people whispered and Alex heard little snippets of their conversation.
"Did you hear? That loser threw a ball at Daizen and sent him to the nurse."
"I know right, what a dickhead."
"Daizen is ok, he's over there but it's still pretty fucked."
Alex heard multiple conversations about what happened in the gym, Alex averted his gaze as he looked down at the ground. His anxiety went through the roof, he was holding back tears, He knew his friends were there because he ate lunch with them every day. He slowly looked up as he looked for his friends, Daizen, Hiroto, and Fuzumi. His eyes scoured the room quickly, he found Daizen, Hiroto, Fuzumi, and surprisingly Toroma. They were all waving at him like they normally would. Fuzumi said with her cute and cheery voice.
"Alex come on over!"
Alex looked at them with confusion and wondered why they weren't mad at him. Alex looked at Daizen and smiled. He was happy that he was ok. He regretted what he did. This immediately changed his facial expressions into anger at himself, but something told him that he didn't deserve them. He thought about his actions, what he did in the past and what he just did today. He asked himself, did he deserve these friends that he has? He was filled with flaws and he knew it, he was jealous, envious, too prideful, and lustful. He had no ambition, he wondered why he even comes to school even though he just fails every class.
He failed classes and even slept during the teacher's instructions, he failed even though his mom worked hard in making them thrive in Japan. Alex was just standing there thinking about everything that was wrong with him. Students in the cafeteria other than his friends began to talk about him and began to give him weird stares. Alex holds tight onto his bookbag sleeve. He wanted to escape these facts by watching stereotypical isekai anime as he did previously, but he couldn't escape the truth. He was worthless, he knew it. He tightens his hand into a fist as he swiftly turns around running out of the cafeteria.
He left the cafeteria because he couldn't be there. He didn't like stares and he felt as if he didn't deserve his friends, especially not Daizen. Daizen was too nice, he knew that he could never hold any distastefulness for him or even hate him. He had sent him to the nurse's office, he had been bragging even when he was injured. This is why he ran, he ran past people in the narrow hallway and looked around. He was looking for someplace to hide out for the rest of the day, he didn't want to go to any of his classes he knew he would just fail like he always does. He quickly found one of the school's staircase rooms. He figured people passed by there so he decided to hide under the staircase to avoid getting caught. He sat down under the staircase and instantly let out a sigh of relief, he felt terrible, he had never skipped class before and this made him even worse.
Everything in the last few days felt so surreal. The voice inside his head, The power or ability to stop time, His glowing body, and other things that lead to all this. He cried, he felt alone, more tears fell from his face. He was alone, his eyes swelled up from his tears there was redness around his eyes. He cried softly with his face in his arms, he cried so much that he tired himself out. He curled up into a ball and due to his tiredness, he began to slowly drift off into the world of dreams, somewhere where he had no responsibilities. His eyes slowly lowered as tiredness grew over him, but the voice chimed in before he lost his last ounce of consciousness, the demonic tone overshadowed the angelic one.
"You really are worthless, Zuki."
Alex was confused. He didn't know what to feel. Was he mad at his statement? Was he happy? Was he annoyed? Was he sad? He didn't know what to feel because he knew deep down in his soul that the voice was right. Maybe it was always right and he didn't want to accept it because of his pride. He didn't feel like talking and discussing with himself any longer. He felt if he continued to talk to himself more tiredness would eventually grow so that his eyes fully lowered as he lost his consciousness. He slept under the stairs, skipped school, and didn't care, he just wanted to escape. He feared life, he was an otaku, he feared being made fun of, he wanted to be special but this was real life and he wasn't special and he had to live with it.
AUTORENGEDANKEN 
Trigonlol
Trigonlol Alex Zuki is depression.