Kapitel 4: Chapter 4- Rainbows and Waterfalls
"When I look at you with those eyes. I see rainbows and waterfalls."
On the night of February 29th, Fifteen-year-old Jesse Abrams was woken up by a scream. He got out of bed and walked down the hallway. He didn't know what he was expecting. But he was not prepared for how this night would affect him. He looked into his father's bedroom to find housekeeper was the one screaming. His father's body was halfway on the bed, halfway on the floor.
He stood there trying to process the image. Like his eye sockets were not connecting with his brain.
His dad looked like a dead fish, fresh at the market. Eyes open. Mouth gaped. Body limped.
The housekeeper turned to him, she was shaking with the phone in her hand.
Then Jesse heard the small footsteps behind him. He turned his head. There was 12-year-old Caroline in her princess robe and bunny slippers.
"What's going on?" She asked him, tears coming down from her young eyes.
He didn't have time to cry.
He hugged his sister, blocking her view as paramedics ran up the stairway.
Even during the drive to the hospital, he didn't let go of her.
Caroline was hysterical yelling in between her sobs. He fetched her a cup of water to calm her down. And when Caroline stopped hyperventilating. It was up to him to call their mom.
"Dad is in the hospital." He told his mom, who was on vacation in England with her boyfriend at the time, "He's dead."
His lips wobbled after the words came out. He can't believe he said it like that.
And hearing his mother's silence, made his heart heavier.
But he didn't have time to cry.
After a long silence, Celia spoke.
"I'm getting on a plane now." She whispered.
"I'll see you, tomorrow," He said before hanging up.
He sat down next to his sister who now had her arms crossed.
"I can't believe mom chose this time to go on vacation. This is all her fault."
Jesse rolled his eyes. Caroline was so overreacting.
Anyone reasonable would know that Celia couldn't have known that out of the 365 days a year that this would be the morning that the father of her children would overdose.
But Caroline isn't reasonable.
***
"When I look at you with those eyes. I see rainbows and waterfalls."
On February 29th, Jesse still doesn't have time to cry.
Today he must drive his sister, and his mother, to the tribute concert held every year on the anniversary of his father's death.
"I don't know if I love her. But maybe someday I will."
His father's ballot from the 80s plays on the radio.
"All I know is when I look at her with those eyes. I see rainbows and waterfalls."
He fucking hates that song. It's not a bad song. But they play it every fucking year.
His mom hates it more than anybody. Celia tenses up every time she hears it. Probably because the song was written for an ex-girlfriend.
He turns off the radio. Celia reaches out and rubs his shoulder.
He nods, a silent 'you're welcome'.
"Are you guys ready for your speech?" Celia asks her grown children.
Caroline, in the backseat, shrugs without even looking up from her phone.
They have been asked to speak this year about their father.
"Yes," Jesse tells her. "We are good."
***
"When I'm in her arms, the world is not as dark. When I look at her with those eyes. I see rainbows and waterfalls."
That damn song plays again as the family finds their seats.
Jesse tilts his head up and sees the blown-up images of his father. The glorious shaggy-haired rock star, the world knew him as.
But when he looks at his father's face, all he sees is a dead fish.
"Oh it's Aunt Ruby." Caroline yelled, waving to their father's old assistant.
"Inside voice Caroline," Celia smirks.
The dark red-headed woman smiles and waves back at Caroline.
Jesse feels the steam coming from Celia's nose.
Jesse's stomach tightens and he suddenly feels nauseous. He slowly gets up.
"I need to go to the bathroom."
***
"When I look at you with those eyes. I thank heaven above. I see rainbows and waterfalls."
He makes sure the bathroom is empty before he goes into a private stall. He pulls out a joint. He sits down on the toilet and smokes the happy stick. He exhales, trying to release the image of his drugged up father out of his brain.
But weed isn't strong enough.
He flushes the ashes. And walks out of the stall. In the mirror, he sees that his hair has gotten too long.
"I need to get a haircut." He mumbles to himself as he sprays his cologne on both sides of his neck.
***
"When I look at you with those eyes. I see rainbows and waterfalls."
Backstage Caroline tries to look out at the audience.
"Looking for me?" Jesse asks, walking up to her.
She shakes her head, "Desdemona isn't here. I thought she was going to be here."
Jesse rolls his eyes.
"What exactly did you tell her?"
"That we were going to a tribute show and it would be cool if she came."
"Well with Desi you need to be more direct," He says.
"I can't get any more direct." Caroline mumbles.
She looks at him. Studying him. She raises her eyebrows and smiles.
"Are you stoned?"
Great.
"No," He shook his head.
This time Caroline rolls her eyes.
Caroline leans in close and whispers, "You got some left. Can I have a hit?"
His heart sank. He would never give her drugs. She is only 12. He shakes his head, reminding himself that she is not 12 anymore. But he can't help it. He looks at her and stares into those bright blue eyes, that only she inherited from their father. He still sees a scared 12 twelve-year-old girl in bunny slippers.
"Here today to speak about their father." The speaker's boom, "Please welcome, Jesse and Caroline Abrams."
"Too late, we're on," Caroline tells him before stepping up on the platform.
Jesse straightens his suit and follows. The stage lights are blinding and even though the audience cheers for them, he wants to puke.
He plasters a smile and pulls out the index cards from his pocket.
"My brother and I want to thank everyone for coming here today," Caroline says." Daddy..." she pauses.
Only Jesse is close enough to her to see the tears form in her eyes. He puts his hand over hers.
"Our dad," he begins. "Loved music with all his heart and his fans were everything to him."
Yea, even before his own family.
"Daddy." Caroline says, "Was the most talented person I have ever known."
Jesse tries not to roll his eyes.
"He knew music was bigger than just him," Caroline goes on.
"Music, when soft voices die, Vibrates in the memory."
Caroline grabs his hand and waves, "We love you."
The crowd claps and cheers for them as they exit the stage.
***
Jesse sees the excitement on Caroline's face when they return to their seats. Desdemona awkwardly sits two spaces from Celia.
"She came," Caroline gleamed.
"I want to get blasted tonight." Jesse whispers in Desdemona's ear as he greets her.
Desdemona smiles and nods.
Jesse couldn't so say much else, before his sister scooped her up, sitting right next to Desdemona.
"Did you see us up there?" Caroline asked.
"Yea." She nods, "Great Shelly reference , by the way."
Caroline blushes and puts her hands over Desdemona's.
***
"When I look at you with those eyes. I see rainbows and waterfalls."
After dropping off his mother and sister, Jesse finally feels he can exhale.
"Oh my god." Desdemona said from the passenger seat as they drove away, "Riley got a hook up on shrooms."
"Shrooms?" Jesse says, "Like magic mushrooms?"
"Yea," Desdemona nods. "You up for it?"
"Why not?" He shrugs.
***
Jesse and Desdemona lay on Desdemona's living room carpet, waiting for something to happen. Jesse of course had never done anything close to this. And to his surprise, this was new to Desdemona too. So they both looked at the ceiling, waiting for it to change colors or burst into glitter.
"Do you think we'll be friends in 20 years?" He asks her.
"I don't know if I'm going to even be alive in 20 years." Desdemona smirks.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Come on," Desdemona looks toward him. "I'm a rock star who loves sex, drugs, and cheeseburgers. I didn't sign up a long healthy life."
"You really feel that?"
"Yea" Desdemona sits up, "Dude the ceiling is beautiful."
"What does it look like Des?" Riley asks from the couch, cuddled up with Justin.
"Like the sky. And the little dots are like stars"
Jesse looks up and laughs, "Dude, I see it."
They laugh. Desdemona's phone beeps. She looks at it.
"It's Caroline," She says. "She wants to hang out tomorrow."
"How's the writing going with you two?"
"Umm," Desdemona puts her phone on the carpet. "Good."
"Has she come up with a song yet?"
"Kinda."
"I know my sister can be...a lot. So thank you for helping her."
"No problem," Desdemona says. "She is just... a lot I guess."
"My dad used to say my purpose was to take care of my sister 'Caroline is so sensitive and so delicate. You're the strong one, you need to protect her.' That's why Caroline gets away with everything."
Jesse places his head in her lap. Desdemona blinks. This is getting weird.
"It's like Caroline gets to be Halloween and I gotta be Christmas," Jesse says. "Does that make any sense?"
"It actually does," Desdemona laughs. "Like Halloween gets to be dark and rebellious while Christmas has to be wholesome and like family-friendly."
"Right. Halloween can be whatever it wants to be and nobody has high expectations for Halloween. But everyone expects Christmas to be the best. I love my sister. I do. But I wish I was able to screw up and be...free like her."
"Why can't you?"
"Because when dad died, everyone hugged Caroline first."
Jesse starts to tear up, "We never saw it coming.Caroline and I went to bed. Then we both woke to all the noise. I opened my door and people were screaming.
I walked over to my dad's room. He was a...dead fish."
A small "Oh" fell out of Desdemona's mouth.
"I turned around and there was Caroline...crying. I hugged her so she wouldn't see. Everybody really tired do...you know, shield us, but we both sat there watching our father being carried out his room."
Desdemona sniffs her nose.
"I'm sorry."
"I know. Everybody is."
He sits up realizing he's in full-on tears, "Fuck."
"Jesse, it's..."
"I'm sorry," Jesse gets up and runs to the bathroom.
Desdemona looks up with tears in her own eyes.
"Desi, you okay?" Riley asked.
Desdemona wipes her eyes and nods.
"Jesse obviously needs to be heard...I'm gonna make this about me."
***
"When I look at you with those eyes. I see rainbows and waterfalls."
Jesse's phone rings as he stares at himself in the bathroom mirror. It's Caroline. He presses the mute button. No way could he talk to his sister, right now. Shrooms may have been a bad idea. He still had that sinking feeling in the pit in stomach, and something was rushing up his throat. He quickly went and lifted the toilet seat up. Throwing up a yellow substance. Then he cries again.
Desdemona walks to the bathroom to see her friend crying into her toilet.
"I can't get it out of my head." Jesse says, "I'll be happy, living my life, then BAM! His dead body fucking pops into my head and I can't get him out."
"It's okay, this should help your stomach." She says, handing him a can of ginger ale.
"Sometimes I hate him." He sits down on her bathroom floor, "I know that's sound so bad. But sometimes I hate him drying. And I hate him, for being Aaron Abrams. Because now nothing I will ever do, will matter because I'm not Aaron Abrams."
Desdemona hands him some paper towels. His breath stinks so bad. But Desdemona isn't going to tell him that right now.
Jesse snobs, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm crying like this." He brushes his hair back, "Don't tell Caroline. Don't tell Caroline I said that. Don't tell her I cry like an idiot."
"Jesse it's okay I won't."
"Please. Promise me." He pleads.
"I promise. I won't tell anyone."
"Can..I stay here tonight?"
"Yea dude the couch is yours."
"I'm sorry," He repeats.
"It's okay." She wraps her arm around his shoulders, "We're going to be friends until we're 40, right?"
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