Kapitel 12: The truth.

I never have panic attack.

"Okay Ashley look at me." Christian spoke and I looked at him.

"This is what we're going to do. We're are going to breathe together okay?" He said fear and worry evident in his voice and I nodded.

"We breathe in and out five times together okay? Now let's go. Breathe in....." He said and we both breathe in. "Breathe out 1, okay that's good now breathe in again.....now out 2, good now again in....out 3," I could feel myself slowly calming down." In...and out 4, good now just one more time okay? In....and out. That's it. Good" He said and I finally calmed down.

"Thanks " I said when I could breathe normally again.

"No problem. You scared me for a second there." He said and released the breath I didn't know he was holding in.

"You talked as if you were experienced with that shit."

"That's because I have them a lot." He said running his hand through his hair.

What?

"I don't have them though." I muttered.

"First time?" He asked and I nodded .

"You know what triggered it?"

"Unfortunately I think so?"

"What is it?" He asked and I looked down.

"Ash?" He called and I looked back up.

"What triggered it?" He asked softly. Something in that gray eyes was pulling, no scratch that, something in his grey eyes was begging me to trust him and tell him the truth and funny enough I wanted to tell him badly. I sighed and looked down.

"I think it's time I told you the truth." I muttered.

"The truth?"

"Yeah the truth." I said and looked up. I looked around and saw the parking lot was empty. The time was almost six and we were the only ones standing in the middle of the parking lot. "Why don't we go in your car and I tell you everything." I suggested as I handed him his keys and rounded the car to enter.

"So...." I started and told him everything. I don't know what made me do I but as soon as I opened my mouth, the words I have been keeping inside for so long found it way out. I told him about the accident, about my sister's death, my mom, Tyler, my parents fights and even my nightmares. He didn't for once interuppt me but just listened with his jaw ticking occasionally out of anger and pain.

"You know its not your fault right?" He spoke after a while I had finished talking.

"Have you not been listening? I ran away, I killed-"

"No you didn't okay?" He interuppted me and I wanted to speak up but he interuppted me again

"It's not your fault that you had a fight with your mom nor is it your fault for your sister's death. It's the fucker that hit your car okay?" He said and I stayed silent.

"Is that why you've moody lately."

"Yeah. I get moody when I have a nightmare." I said fibbling with my fingers.

"But that has been frequent." He said his jaw ticking in anger.

"Is that why you and Trish fought?" He asked and I nodded.

"Okay, why don't you tell her then?" He suggested and I shook my head vigorously.

"Why?"

"I don't want her to feel burdened and I don't want her to judge me." I muttered looking down at my fibbling fingers.

"You of all people know she's not like that."

"But it's hard."

"But you told me right?"

"Yeah but-"

"Why. Why did you tell me?" He asked while I just stared at him in thought. I asked myself that same question and I have no answer to that. I don't know why I told the boy that I have only known for a month my biggest secret but couldn't tell my best friend of four years.

"I don't know maybe because I trust you?"

"And you don't trust Trish?"

"Of course I do."

"Then tell her" He pressed. I wanted to talk but he interrupted me

"Tell her so that she can help you Ash. Tell her. Talk to her. I see it in her everyday that she misses her best friend everyday and I'm pretty sure you miss her too."

"You have no fucking idea how much I miss her."

"Then talk to her okay?" He pressed and I nodded slowly.

"Good." And with that he started driving towards my house.

Minutes later, we got to my house.

"Thanks." I said as I unbuckled my seat belt.

"For what?" He asked confused

"Not judging and for listening."

"Anytime panda."

"And we are back to the nickname." I said rolling my eyes and opened door.

"Always." He said smiling. I was about to get out when he held my wrist and I turned to look at him.

"I'm gonna help you okay? I'm gonna try to get you through this okay?" He said and my heart clenched at his sincerity and I nodded because if I talk, I could burst into tears.

"Good. Now fuck out of my car and go fix your friendship." He said and I smiled.

"Bye panda." He said as I got down and shut his door.

"Bye " I waved and with that he drove away.

Time to fix my friendship.

I sighed and turned to go inside.

I plopped down in the couch as I brought out my phone to text Trish.

Me: Hey Trish. Are you free?

Trish: Yeah

Me:Could you stop by, I want to tell you something.

Trish: From one to ten, how important is it?

Me: Um..... Eleven?"

Trish: Fuck be there in ten.

Me: Cool. Make sure you bring your school clothes for tomorrow."

Trish: Sure.

Now I have ten minutes to mentally prepare myself and shower.

Ten minutes later I heard a knock on the door and I opened it to see Trish wearing a yellow sweatshirt and sweatpants with a white canvas. She carried a black small duffle bag and her hair was packed in a messy bun. Whereas I was dressed in shorts and a blue hello kitty top. My hair was also in a messy bun.

"Hey " I greeted her and stepped aside to let her in.

"Hey." She replied and entered and I closed the door.

"Like your sweats." I chirped in trying to get rid of the awkward silence around us. Being away from my friend for a few weeks has been hard and right now I'm sure as hell I want to fix it.

"Thanks." She said looking around uncomfortably.

"Why don't we go up to my room."

"Sure."

When we got upstairs, I repeated everything I told Christian. And instead of staying quiet like Christian, she was literally bawling her eyes out.

Trisha is known to be an emotional person. One time, her neighbor's dog died, and she cried like she lost a very close family person.

"Oh my god Ash. I'm so sorry I pressured you to tell me." She said sniffing and still crying like it's her own problem not mine. Like I said, emotional person.

I thought as she hugged me.

"It's okay." I said also sniffing. But I didn't say Trish's emotional wreck can't infect me too did I?

"No it's not. I have been a horrible friend not being there for you." She said and pulled away from the hug.

"I deserved it. Hey it's okay. I'm the one with the problems and here you are crying your eyeballs out." I said smiling

"You know how emotional I get." She said as she tries her tears.

"Have you told anyone else?"

"Yeah Christian."

"Christian?" She sounded surprised and I remembered I didn't tell her about him.

"Yeah. Well he's the guy I was telling you about."

"Who? Grey eyes?" She asked and I nodded.

"Yeah after our fight we grew closer and I told him today. He was actually the one that persuaded me to tell you."

"Really? You mean my disgusting twin brother did that?" She asks surprised and I nod.

Wait! Did she just-

"Christian is your twin?" Now I'm the one who asks surprised.

"Yeah. I told you I had a brother."

"But you didn't say twin. You guys look nothing alike!" I whisper-shout.

"Yeah. I know right. I'm literally the cute one." She said rolling her eyes and I smile. Her features changes back to a sad one. "Anyways, I'm really sorry."

"It's nothing. So what about you and Caleb?" I asked nudging her trying to change the subject and her eyes lit up at the mention of his name.

"I'm scared Ash."

"What? Why?"

"Well I really like him and I don't think he likes me back and I don't want my heart broken." She says looking all sad again. And I repeat, emotional person.

"How many dates as he taken you on?"

"Three?"

"Is he always nervous around you?"

"Well.....yeah?"

"Since you have been together has he flirted with other girls?"

"No?"

"Then he tots like you."

"You think so?"

"I know so." I say with a big smile on my face.

We talked more and didn't sleep until midnight and it really felt good to have my best friend back.