Kapitel 18: The Strange Disappearance of Gilderoy Lockhart.
Previously, Gilderoy Lockhart had been hauled off by his own Cornish Pixies in some sick and twisted bit of irony. Very few people knew where he went and very few people even cared. Yet, Albus Dumbledore moved down the hallway and looked very tense. He prepared himself for the barrage of howlers coming his way by angry House witches who were pissed at the fact their hero and savior had been hauled off to meet his fate by Freshly Caught Cornish Pixies.
He came face to face with Peeves the Poltergeist. Peeves bounced up and down like a kid in a candy store. Dumbledore's eyes fell on Peeves and his expression fell a moment or so later at Dumbledore's disappointment.
"Do you have any idea where the Pixies might have taken, Professor Lockhart?" Dumbledore asked.
"Professor Blockhead…how did I know where the pixies took him?" Peeves asked. "Peeves just let them out of the cage. What they do there is completely up to them. But, I'm sure such a brilliant man like Lockhart would have eventually fought them off. After all, didn't he Wander With Werewolves?"
Peeves cackled. The Poltergeist thought Lockhart was full of a whole lot of bullshit. He was a clumsy boy at Hogwarts, oh Peeves remembered him. Lockhart was one of his favorite targets until it ceased being fun.
"This is serious, Peeves," Dumbledore said.
"No, Black's still in Azkaban," Peeves said.
Peeves zipped off and Dumbledore could only roll his eyes at the very clichéd and overused joke being done.
'I'm getting too old for this,' Dumbledore said.
He thought about wanting to get a bottle of Firewhiskey or something to ease his news. The Hogwarts Potion Professor stepped around the corner. Snape shook his head.
"You didn't find him?" Dumbledore asked.
Snape would be lying if he only just made the most barest token effort to hunt down Lockhart and said he did. "I'm sure he'll be fine. After all, his books depict a great hero."
"All great heroes have their bad days," Dumbledore said.
Nothing could be said so Snape just nodded. Snape did wonder if Dumbledore had been so desperate he hired the first person on the street.
"So, until Lockhart makes his heroic return, you're going to need someone to take over his classes, aren't you?" Snape asked.
"I believe that if he doesn't return in the next week, it would be prudent to find a replacement," Dumbledore said. The Headmaster stroked his beard deep in thought. "I wonder if I send Remus a call would he be interested in taking the position until Gilderoy finds his way home."
"Remus?" Snape asked. "As in Remus Lupin?"
The very suggestion Lupin would receive that job made Snape feel like he just been punched in the gut.
"Yes, Remus Lupin, do you know any other gentlemen by that name?" Dumbledore asked. "He was one of the top students in Defense Against the Dark Arts of his year, I believe he beat you in his OWL and NEWT Examinations."
"Yes, by one point," Snape said. "Utterly abysmal at Potions though from what I've heard."
"Well, that's your expertise, isn't it?" Dumbledore asked. "Anyone, Remus is game for becoming a teacher, and given the new advancements with the Wolfsbane, he should be mostly safe. And I'm certain you can brew it."
Snape's nose crinkled up at the thought. "Of course, I can brew it."
"Very well, then," Dumbledore said, patting him firmly on the shoulder. "I have full confidence in your Potion brewing abilities, as I always would. And if I can convince Remus to come here…..perhaps he can fill the gap for Lockhart."
"Are you sure his furry little problem won't be an impediment?" Snape asked. "And it might not be easy to get him here now as the full moon is in a few days."
"Yes, yes, there is a problem," Dumbledore said. "And Mr. Snugglebuns aside, there are some complications for bringing Remus here. Who should I choose to fill in as the Defense Against the Dart Arts teacher?"
Deadpool stepped out from the Defense Against the Art Classroom.
"Forces of evil, beware!" Deadpool cheered. "There's no one on Earth who could withstand the mighty attack of Deadpool. The Darkest forces in the world cannot withstand the might of everyone's favorite Mercenary with the mouth."
The protracted groan coming from Snape echoed long and far as Dumbledore turned to Deadpool. He had that look on his face which indicated he had some kind of idea.
"Am I to realize that you have some experience with the Dark Arts?" Dumbledore asked.
"Dark Arts?" Deadpool asked. "Oh, yeah, I know all about the Dark Arts and am against the Dark Arts, and all they stand before. I mean, if you aren't against the Dark Arts, you're a Nazi or something?"
"Professor Wilson, you're the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher until Professor Lockhart returns," Dumbledore said. "Congratulations."
Snape yelled "what, him?" at the same moment Deadpool stated "who, me? Dumbledore just smiled and patted his new staff member on the shoulder.
"Does it mean I get two paychecks?" Dumbledore asked.
"I'm sorry, Professor Wilson, but I've gone selectively deaf and don't have any idea what you're talking about. Your first class is with the Slytherin second year students in the morning."
'Whoa, what a twist, I get to deal with Malfoy and the gang,' Deadpool thought.
He watched Dumbledore walk off while cursing old wizards and their very selective hearing.
The look of abject disgust on the face of Draco Malfoy hit a brand new level the second he observed the Deputy Caretaker make his way dressed in wizards robes and a pair of eyeglasses. Snape apologized this morning to the Slytherins for Lockhart's replacement and Malfoy had no idea what he meant.
"This has to be some kind of practical joke," Malfoy said. "It's not April the First, is it?"
"Good afternoon, boys and girls," Deadpool said. "Welcome to the School of Hard Knocks, not be confused with the school of Hard Knockers, and today's lesson is against the Dark Arts and how to defend against them."
The Slytherin students watched the Hogwarts Deputy Caretaker of Magical sanitation and some of them wondered if Dumbledore had lost what passed off as his mind. Deadpool stepped back in the classroom and put his hands on the tarp.
"I'm going to show you what the dark arts look like," Deadpool said. "And how to recognize it and most certainly how to deal with it."
Deadpool pulled a tarp off of a painting. The painting depicted a terrified gentleman who had bene hooked to a table with several knives hovering over the top of him. One could hear the obvious scoff coming from Malfoy in the back of the room. The background of the painting had several dark colors and one could see splotches of red very visible on the bottom of the painting.
"Ladies and gentlemen, here are the dark arts!" Deadpool yelled. "Can anyone tell me the symbolism of this painting?"
Goyle raised his hand in the back of the classroom. Deadpool took his long pointer and pointed it at the second year Slytherin. Goyle opened his mouth and began to speak in a cultured voice.
"The painting symbolizes a tortured and troubled soul who obviously had a reason to be very angry with the world. They conveyed their deep-rooted subliminal desires to maim their enemies through their art and channeled their aggression through the violent and broad brush strokes you've seen before you. It is simply their way to channel and summon their aggression to the surface of their canvas. It is quite elementary really."
The Slytherin students all looked at Goyle like he grew a second head.
"Dude?" Millicent Bulstrode asked. "Are you okay, bro?"
"I mean the guy was mad and stuff," Goyle said. "So, he was angry and he hated Mudbloods!"
The Slytherins all sighed in relief at the natural order of the universe being restored. Deadpool took a second to smile.
"A correct interpretation, Mr. Goyle," Deadpool said. "Ten points to Hufflepuff!"
"But, we're Slytherin," Crabbe asked. "Aren't we?"
"Yeah, we are," Pansy said.
"Of course, you are and it's nice you have the ability to retain simple information," Deadpool said. "Take ten points for Gryffindor for your strong recollection skills and your ability to remember what house you belong to."
"You idiot, you can't just give points to a different house!" Malfoy yelled. "Honestly, wait until my father hears about this….."
"Twenty points from Slytherin, Mr. Malfoy," Deadpool said. "And another ten points for tattling. No one likes a tattletale. So why don't you go and sit over in the corner?"
"You can't make me sit in the corner!" Malfoy yelled.
"If you're going to act like a five-year-old, then you're going to be treated like a five-year-old," Deadpool said. "Go sit in the corner right now, and don't make me tell you again. You wouldn't write me to write to your mother, would you?"
"I DON'T WANT TO SIT IN THE CORNER!"
Malfoy stamped his feet on the ground like a three-year-old throwing a temper tantrum. Deadpool pointed to a stool sitting over in the corner and Malfoy wanted over in a sullen way. His arms swung side by side. All of the other Slytherins tried to hold back their laughter.
"What a bitch," Millicent murmured underneath her breath.
This caused Daphne and Tracey to break out into laughter, and Pansy even laughed, along with Crabbe and Goyle, followed by Nott and Zabini, and all of them laughed at Draco's misfortune. Draco turned around, his face red and blotchy.
"Okay, that's enough," Deadpool said. "Mr. Malfoy, I'm afraid you need to learn a lesson. Now sit in the corner for the remainder of a class like a good little boy."
"Yeah, Draco, you've been a bad widdle boy," Crabbe taunted before laughing.
"Hey, I won't have one of my minions speak out like that!" Malfoy snapped.
"Hey, I thought we were your friends," Goyle said. "Is that what you think of us?"
"I'm beginning to think he's just a big, meanie, Goyle," Crabbe said as he made his best boo-boo face.
Malfoy just scowled and turned around to face the corner. Deadpool put a paper hat on his head which had the word "dunce" on it which added to Malfoy's humiliation.
The rest of the lesson went on without innocent with Deadpool teaching them how depraved and disturbed the dark arts could be, by showing them several portraits made from disturbed individuals.
"And now you know," Deadpool said. "And knowing is half of the battle. For homework, I want you to research famous dark artists and their paintings. And how these paintings can interpret and predict a would-be Dark Lord before they happen. You're dismissed."
The Slytherins left and Deadpool cleared his throat.
"That means you too, Draco," Deadpool said.
Malfoy rose up and walked across the classroom. He cleared his throat.
"Crabbe, Goyle, let's go!" Malfoy demanded.
Crabbe and Goyle kept walking and did not turn around to engage Malfoy. The Pureblood heir watched Crabbe and Goyle leave.
"Goyle, Crabbe, did you hear me?" Malfoy asked. "Damn you, you're not supposed to leave without me."
Malfoy tripped and fell causing his bag to fall out of his hands.
"Crabbe! Goyle! CRABBE! GOYLE! CRABBE! GOYLE!"
"Did you hear something, Vinnie?" Goyle asked.
"Nah, must have been the wind, Greg," Crabbe said.
A trampling of first year Hufflepuffs stomped over Draco Malfoy's body as they can in for their lesson during the next period.
"Mr. Malfoy, I'm afraid loitering is against Hogwarts rules," Professor Deadpool said. "Report to detention, seven o'clock, in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom."
"You just wait!" Malfoy yelled. "You just wait!"
"Yeah, you'll write to my father, heard it before," Deadpool said. "Now, off to History Magic you go. You wouldn't want to be late you're your nap. I heard that you get cranky when you don't get your nap."
The first year Hufflepuffs laughed at Draco's discomfort and misfortune. Given how much of a bad impression he made on them even after a few days of knowing him, they could not say it could not happen to a nicer person.
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
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Rangliste 
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Stein