Kapitel 20: 3
Chapter Three:
Severus decided to actually take breakfast in the Great Hall on the first Saturday after term had begun. Since Calista had come to live with him five years ago, he had rarely gone so long without spending time with her, and he found that he missed her company.
Paternal affection did not come naturally to Severus, but he tried. It went a long way that he could see so much of himself in Calista, in her prickly self-defensive attitude and strike-first mentality.
Watching Calista begin at Hogwarts brought back a lot of his own memories, some fond, but most painful.
He remembered his excitement, but also remembered that in was in large part due to the simple fact that he'd be away from home. In those days, if he could have lived at Hogwarts year-round, he would have.
How ironic, then, that he had spent most of Calista's childhood doing just that, simply because he didn't want to bring her to Spinner's End any more than he had actually wanted to be there.
Despite his overall opinion of the place though, he hadn't sold it. He was not fool enough to think that the rest of the Dark Lord's puppets were locked away for good, that the Dark Lord would never come back. He certainly hoped it to be the case, but he knew better.
If and when his old colleagues began to seek him out, he wanted them to return to his old place instead of seeking him out at Hogwarts or in the flat he'd leased over the summer. In short, he wanted to keep them away from Calista.
Severus drifted from his musings about real estate, and returned to watching the double doors of the Great Hall. Soon enough, a little platoon of green-trimmed robes came through the doors, and he spotted Calista among them.
Most of the students wore Muggle clothes on weekends, but it was fairly typical of the Slytherins to wear their robes all the time, particularly the younger ones.
It was a subtle sign that they would never embrace Muggle culture, although it was really a stupid sign, because a good deal of them were wearing Muggle clothes beneath their robes anyway. If he recalled his own time at Hogwarts correctly, some students would outgrow the habit, and some wouldn't.
Calista was with the other first-year Slytherin girls and two of the boys. As she entered the Great Hall, she was listening to something a blonde girl was saying, and then the two of them laughed.
Nearly every time in the last week that Severus had caught sight of his daughter, she was in the company of this same girl, and he remembered from his class list and from the Sorting ceremony that her surname was Avril.
It wasn't a name he was familiar with, but these days intermarriage between wizards and Muggles was increasingly common, even in the old families.
There was also a new aristocracy developing, of which families like the Malfoys were a part of, so it wasn't really any surprise that he hadn't heard the family name before.
MacNair, that was a name he knew of, and Yaxley. Both of the other first-year Slytherin girls came from families that Severus knew first-hand contained Death Eaters, let alone pureblood sympathisers.
Severus hadn't really known either of them particularly well, since they had attended Hogwarts well before he did, but he remembered them from the Dark Lord's inner circle.
He knew that the majority of students sorted into Slytherin were, or became, pureblood fanatics. Those that had entered school without the mania, like himself, had somehow left with it.
This was the main reason that Severus worried about Calista's company, now. At least two of the girls in her dormitory were related to Death Eaters, and this presented a problem.
To his knowledge, Calista wasn't a pureblood fanatic. They had never outright discussed the issue, but he had also never heard her use the word 'Mudblood', although he knew she had heard it before, and knew what it meant.
It was a touchy subject, because he didn't possess entirely innocent views on the matter himself. On the other hand, most of Calista's exposure to ideas of blood-purity had been from Bellatrix, and Severus could only begin to guess at the twisted ideas that she was capable of implanting on a child.
It occurred to Severus that the subject was one he would have to broach with his daughter soon.
He truly had no idea what he would say, and he feared this impending discussion even more than he had the discussion they'd had over the summer, when he had had to buy her all kinds of embarrassing books because she didn't have a mother to give her any of the normal pre-teen girl talks. Whatever those consisted of.
In that particular circumstance, Severus had been relieved when Calista had seemed as resistant to discussing anything in the books as he was. He figured she'd get out of them the necessities, and when she got old enough to think about dating, he would simply kill any boy that even thought about making eyes at her. He was glad that she didn't seem to have any aspirations towards that end, so far. The longer it could be delayed, the better.
To that end, Severus had misgivings from the beginning about Olivia Avril. She was the sort of delicately-built, blonde and blue-eyed girl that would almost surely develop into a true beauty, and already she carried herself with a great deal of self-assurance.
She clearly came from money, because all of her school robes were impeccably tailored, and she wore all sorts of jewellery and hair ornaments. Severus even thought he had smelled perfume when he'd leaned over her cauldron to inspect her boil cure potion.
She was quite mature, likely very cultured, obviously well-off, and even this early in the school year, Severus noted the way the other first-years deflected to her. She actually reminded him an awful lot of Lucius Malfoy.
If there was a type of girl that was likely to start trouble, Severus suspected it was Olivia Avril's type. He was also struck by the visual difference between the Avril girl and his own child when they stood side-by-side.
Where Olivia was tall and self-assured and impeccably put-together for an eleven-year-old, Calista appeared small and ragged by comparison. Her hair looked like she hadn't gotten all the tangles out of it, and while her robes looked fine, Severus knew that most of her everyday clothes were mismatched and probably looked worse for wear.
Calista also carried herself with her shoulders hunched and her head low, most of the time. He didn't think he had ever bought her any kind of hair ornaments, and she certainly didn't have any jewellery.
He had thought those kinds of things were for girls older than Calista, but was he wrong? She had never asked for any of those things, had never really asked for anything besides books, and things for her cat.
Watching Calista make her way to the table, looking like a lost mutt of a puppy at the glamorous Olivia's heels, Severus lost his appetite. He placed his fork down, and simply watched the Slytherin table surreptitiously for the rest of the meal.
He remembered how out-of-place he had felt when he was around Calista's age, and had begun to notice that none of the other students looked as ragged as he did; that none of them were wearing old hand-me-down clothes that were too large for them.
It had never been his intention to make Calista feel the same way; the truth was that she had hardly grown in the last three years or so, and had never asked for new clothes.
It wasn't the type of thing he was likely to remember on his own, since wardrobe was of such low importance to him as an adult. He had work robes and dress robes, and there was little need for anything else.
He supposed she had been eight or nine the last time that he had really taken her shopping for a lot of new clothes, and she had picked out a lot of things that looked very nice individually but clashed horribly when one tried to make an actual outfit out of any of them.
Severus really did take care of Calista the best he could, and it was unsettling and a bit painful for him to look at her and realize that, to most others, it probably looked like she wasn't really well-cared-for at all.
All the while he had been musing, he'd also been watching the Slytherin table. Olivia was definitely calling the shots among the first-years, but he noticed a key difference between his own beginnings at Hogwarts and Calista's.
He had always been, at least in the beginning, on the outskirts of the group, tolerated but not quite accepted until he had begun to impress some of the older students with his knowledge of the Dark Arts.
Calista, however, was quite obviously a part of the group. Though Olivia appeared to be doing most of the talking, whenever Calista did say something, the others seemed to listen. He saw them chuckle at a joke she made, which, judging from the direction she'd tilted her head in, was likely at a Gryffindor's expense.
Severus honestly didn't know if Calista's quick acceptance among the Slytherins was a good thing or a bad thing; he supposed he should be glad that she seemed to be acclimating so well, but he had a strong suspicion that, in order to fit in, she was going to lose part of herself.
When it had happened to him, it had set him on a path that had cost him nearly everything he cared about.
He definitely needed to have a chat with his daughter.
o-o-o-o
On Saturday morning, Calista was surprised to see her father sitting at the staff table. She noticed him as soon as she entered, but then Olivia was speaking, and Calista shifted her attention to her classmate.
Olivia was talking about a recent trip she had taken to Knockturn Alley with her parents. It seemed to involve a lot of witty observations on Olivia's part, most of them derisive of Muggles and Muggle-borns.
At the breakfast table, most of the others were talking about the previous afternoon's Quidditch tryouts. Marcus Flint had made Chaser, and was the only second-year to make it to the team that year.
"You could've gone out, Calista," Marcus sent generously, "You're real small, I bet you'd make a good Seeker."
Calista wasn't really sure if he meant it as an insult or a compliment, so she decided to just ignore the comment altogether. She turned back to Olivia, who had gone off on a tangent from her story.
"Of course, Mother has a cousin who married a Muggle - we don't keep in touch with her. But in my direct lineage, there isn't anyone with Muggle blood for at least six generations."
Olivia gloated, while some of the other students began to share their own family trees. Some of them counted back generations to an obscure Muggle ancestor her or there. A few shamefacedly admitted to having a Muggle aunt or grandparent.
"What about you, Calista?" Portia MacNair asked nasally, "How many generations have you got?"
"Oh, er, quite a lot, I think," Calista answered, unprepared for the question. "I think I, uh, have a Muggle cousin or something somewhere, too."
Olivia overheard and nodded, touching Calista lightly on the back of her hand.
"Don't worry, I have a hard time remembering which cousin of my mother's married a Muggle too. You simply don't remember people who aren't important."
Calista decided to let Olivia's misinterpretation stand.
o-o-o-o
Midmorning, when Olivia and Portia had gone to the Quidditch pitch again to watch the team practise and Emily Yaxley was working on an essay, Calista took a walk to the Potions classroom. Next door to it, there was a door that Calista knew led to a short corridor, with his office on one side of it and his quarters on the other.
It felt a bit strange to be entering as a guest instead of a resident. Feeling a little awkward, Calista knocked on his office door.
"Come in," he called from beyond the door, and Calista pushed the door open. He was sitting at his desk, correcting what looked to be homework essays from her own class the previous day.
"Oh," she said, not sure why she felt awkward, "Are you busy?"
In answer, Severus set down his quill and stood up. He opened the office door, and crossed the hall to the door that led to his quarters, indicating that she should follow.
Calista eased his office door shut, and followed him into the flat she had shared with him for five years. Nothing had really changed over the summer, and she felt at home as soon as she'd stepped over the threshold.
Severus motioned for Calista to take a seat at the small kitchen table. Since the room that would have been his sitting room had been converted into an extra bedroom for Calista, and both chairs in his study were currently piled high with books, it was really the only place they could sit and chat.
Calista actually felt a little glad that he had evidently not restored her bedroom to its original purpose.
Severus sat down at the table after Calista did, and brought his gaze to her face.
"Well," he said, "I gather you're enjoying your classes. Professor Flitwick stopped me in the hall on the way back from breakfast this morning to tell what a good Ravenclaw you'd make. I suppose he meant it as a compliment."
Calista sneered, perhaps not the reaction Severus was expecting, although he should have known better by now.
"And be in the same House as that Clearwater girl and her fat friend? I'd rather not."
"I take it that you and Miss Clearwater do not get along?"
Calista shrugged. "She's just a know-it-all."
Severus had to work to keep his expression neutral. He found it amusing that Calista would refer to another student in this light, when Flitwick had told him that Calista had already written him two extra-credit assignments.
"Well," he said, "Be that as it may, are you enjoying most of your classes?"
"I like Transfiguration," she said, "And Charms is okay, I guess. I don't care much for Herbology or History of Magic, like I knew I wouldn't. Potions is my favourite, of course."
Severus quirked a brow. "I'd think you would find the class boring. Your own skills are fairly far ahead of the first-year curriculum.
Calista beamed at the compliment – coming from her father, it was high praise indeed.
"Yes, well," she said, "At least it's interesting. It makes me eager to learn more advanced potions."
Severus noted that she hadn't wasted her time trying to brush off his praise, or insist that she wasn't very far ahead of the class. Good. She was much further along than any of them were.
"I don't think we will be covering a great deal of material that's new to you until fourth year or even later," he admitted. "Although… hm."
"What?" Calista cocked her head, and Severus studied her for a moment.
"Perhaps, if you are interested, I can teach you extra lessons on Saturdays."
This actually wasn't what Severus had been thinking of, but what had actually occurred to him was something best discussed with the Headmaster first. He had actually been wondering if Dumbledore would allow him to move Calista up to a fourth-year class, but he didn't want to get her hopes up yet.
Severus expected Calista to jump at the opportunity for extra lessons, since she was an eager student, and it would give them some time together without a classroom full of other students.
He was surprised when Calista answered him.
"Actually… I think Olivia wants me to go to the Quidditch games with her, and they're mostly on Saturdays."
Severus convinced himself in mere seconds that his feelings weren't hurt.
"Ah yes, Miss Avril. Do you know much about her family?"
Calista tilted her head. "Uhm… she said she's got a second cousin who married a Muggle, or something like that."
It was a perfect leeway into another conversation Severus had been meaning to have with his daughter.
"I expect she's not exactly proud of that particular branch of her family tree?" he prodded.
Calista shook her head. "Not exactly… Father?"
Severus heard something in her tone that caused him to abandon whatever he had planned to say next.
"Yes?"
"I know I'm not a pureblood. She told me that. But… what am I? I mean… how much… how many…?"
Severus knew exactly what she was asking, despite her apparent difficulty with the framing of the question. It was unusual. Calista was nearly always very direct, at least with him.
"My father was a Muggle," he answered tightly, "I do not believe your mother had any direct ancestors that were Muggles or Muggle-born witches or wizards."
There was an iciness to his answer that was multi-faceted. He didn't like to speak about his own father, but he also remembered that Bellatrix had often insinuated that he was somehow inferior because of his blood status.
Most of the time, he was fairly certain that the only reason Bella had engaged in a brief fling with him was because it would infuriate her family, who he knew had pressured her into marrying Rodolphus because of his blood status. She had not made a secret of the fact that she hadn't wanted to marry him, not when she was truly, at least according to popular opinion, in love with the Dark Lord.
"So," Calista interrupted his reverie, "That means I'm one-fourth Muggle?"
Severus frowned. "In a manner of speaking, I suppose so."
"Is that bad?"
Severus regarded her solemnly, his features tight. He was certain there was an answer to her question that he was supposed to give, as her father, but he didn't really know what it was. How to reconcile his own personal prejudices with his desire to ensure that she turned out as far from Bellatrix as possible?
"I suppose that depends on whom you're asking," he settled for, "Some of your classmates might tell you that it is. I, however, see nothing in you that would indicate that you have anything in common with your Muggle ancestors."
It was decidedly a sidestep from actually answering the question of Muggle inferiority. It was also another compliment he paid his daughter, but then again, she had not known Tobias Snape, so she could not know how well it spoke of her character, to Severus' mind, to have nothing in common with her grandfather.
As if she'd read his mind, Calista asked him another question.
"What was your father like?"
Severus gritted his teeth. He supposed he'd known the question would come eventually.
"He was a talentless brute, and he didn't care for anything or anyone, least of all his family."
Another child's expression would have softened, and the questioning would likely be at an end, but not Calista.
"What about your mother?"
Severus was no longer seeing his daughter before him, was instead caught up in memories of his own unpleasant childhood.
"She meant well, I suppose, but she was… weak. She never stood up to him, even when she could have knocked him flat with magic."
Severus was jolted back to the present by something unexpected; his daughter's arms around him. At first, he mistook her affection for pity, and recoiled, but when he caught sight of her expression, he reconsidered.
Calista had left her chair and come to stand by his, hugging him. It was honestly a gesture that was rare for them, though not unheard of.
The expression on her face wasn't one of pity, though. He wasn't sure what to categorize it as, but the closest he could come was anger.
"So both of us had bad mothers," she said, and Severus pushed her away slightly, his tone firm.
"No," he said, "You misunderstand me. My mother had her faults, but in the end, she was still my mother. Bellatrix was never a mother to you. No one who abuses their child the way she abused you deserves that title."
It was the first time that Severus had directly alluded to the fact that Calista was a victim of child abuse, and she felt oddly light after hearing it. Of course she had always known, and Severus had made it clear, that Bellatrix's treatment of her was wrong.
Still, having the ability to categorize it as something that had a clear name, that others had dealt with as well, helped.
Perhaps it was this unexpected relief of a burden that caused Calista to say what she did next.
"Were you ever in love with her? With my… with Bellatrix?"
The question seemed to have come from nowhere, and Severus wished it had stayed there. His expression never wavered, however.
"No," he said simply.
Calista would have liked to ask him a few more questions, but there was something dangerous in his eyes that warned her not to pry any further.
She was struck, not for the first time, by the unfair balance between herself and her father, where she felt he knew almost everything about her, and she knew almost nothing about him. Severus would have argued, but she didn't put it into words.
Looking at her father now though, she knew this was not the time to discuss it.
"I'm sorry," she said, and she wasn't sure exactly what she was apologizing for. It wasn't really in her nature to be contrite.
Severus stood up, and Calista took it as her cue to leave. Just as he was seeing her out of his quarters, he said one last thing, a peace offering of sorts.
"You scored top marks on your homework, by the way."
Calista smirked, a gesture that was highly reminiscent of his own reaction to being given the same news almost twenty years before, but he didn't see the similarity.
"I expected I would," she said simply, and left the room, closing the door behind her.
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