"I really don't know, Asuka," Misato's voice was full of hesitation. "I mean, this is a very serious issue."
"I know it is," Asuka said, bringing her voice down so that only Misato on the other side of the line could hear her. She turned around, cuddling her cell phone closer to her ear and looking around. The brightly-lit bathroom was as empty as it had been when she came in to make her call, but she felt like she had a large group of people spying in on her, listening to her every word.
"I would have to ask him."
She knew Misato would say that.
Asuka bit her lip, and again she had doubts about this whole thing. Calling Misato had been a mistake. The woman had it in for her. She might even hate her. There was no reason she'd help.
"Don't…do that," Asuka said after a long moment. "I don't want him to know."
"I can't make a decision like this without letting him know. Not after what happened."
I'm such an idiot, Asuka thought, heaving a sigh so heavy it made her slightly dizzy. Or maybe it was something else making her dizzy. She couldn't tell. Her head was starting to throb. It was bad enough she'd had to face Shinji in the morning, but now she had to deal with her obnoxious guardian.
"I don't care, just keep it to yourself," Asuka insisted. "This is important."
Another awkward pause followed, then Misato said, "Asuka, I really think I should ask him."
Asuka didn't reply to that. Yeah, she had definitely made a mistake. She'd let her emotions get the better of her. Misato had a vested interest in protecting Shinji at all costs. Even from Asuka. She really shouldn't have expected that things would be any different.
"Asuka?"
She shook her head, defeated. "Forget it. Forget we ever had this conversation. Good bye." She reached for the 'end call' button.
"Wait!" Misato yelled out before she could hang up. Asuka heard her sigh. "I don't understand you. After what happened … and now this? Why?"
Asuka couldn't even explain it to her own satisfaction, let alone explain it to Misato. And there was no way she could try without sounding ridiculous. "I can't tell you. I have my reasons. That's gonna have to be good enough."
"Will it make you happy?" the Major asked in return.
Asuka almost snorted despite herself, but she managed a convincing, "Yes."
"Okay," Misato said finally. "I'll think about it. That's the best I can do right now. I don't think you can blame me given how things turned out last time. Well, maybe you can but you are smart enough to also understand why I can't just let you do this. And you have to take it seriously and be sure it is what you want for the right reasons."
If not for her kind tone, Asuka would have thought she was being patronizing. "I don't need a sermon."
"And I don't mean to give you one, but you are asking for a lot. I want things to work out for you—you have no idea how much. But what about Shinji? I can't just disregard what he might want. And it's not because I'm playing favorites either."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Asuka wasn't satisfied, not at all, but she knew this was the most she was likely to get out of Misato. "Don't mention this to anyone, Misato. I'll never forgive you."
"I won't. I promise. Do you need anything else?"
Grown-up promises weren't worth anything, Asuka had already learned that at her young age, but there was no sense in arguing with Misato as long as she thought the woman was being sincere. And she certainly sounded that way. "No. That's it."
"All right then. I'll be seeing you."
"Bye," Asuka said trying not to sound sarcastic and pressed the end button on the cell phone's keypad. She moved the plastic device away from her ear and stared at the screen for a moment, reaching up to brush stray locks of hair out of her eyes with her other hand.
So why was she doing this, anyway? Misato's line of questioning was far more direct than she cared to admit. She had obviously picked up on something. But was Asuka really that desperate? Was she really that lonely?
She decided not to answer that. Tossing the phone in her book bag, she headed out of the bathroom and down the hall.
"Hey, Asuka, wait up!"
The German redhead jumped at the familiar voice, then jerked her head towards the pigtailed girl walking hurriedly behind her. Hikari hated to run—it was unseemly, she had always said. And it was also unnecessary; Asuka could tell when she was in a hurry just from the expression on her face.
"Oh, hey, Hikari," she said and smiled the same exaggeratedly insincere grin she gave whenever she was interrupted but still wanted to be pleasant.
"I thought we were going home together," Hikari said, coming to a stop next to her friend. She was panting for breath and clutching the front of her shirt.
"You forgot to tell me you had clean-up duty today," Asuka said, frowning. In truth she couldn't remember if Hikari had told her or not, but it was as good an excuse as any she could think of. "You know how much I hate it."
"Sorry," Hikari said, shaking her head. "I didn't mean to keep you waiting."
Asuka waved her hand dismissively. "You didn't. I had … something else to do. It's not a big deal."
Hikari made a strange face.
"What?" Asuka was puzzled.
"It's just that you are never that accepting," Hikari said, blushing slightly. "Usually you just … you know."
Asuka did, but if Hikari had a problem with her then she wanted to hear her say it. She wasn't about to make things easier on her. Why should she? "No, what?"
"Well, you know, you—"
"Act like a bitch?"
Hikari, to her credit, seemed to decide not to take the bait. Of all people she was the most attuned to Asuka's manner. She could tell when she was being set up to give an answer to a question she would normally avoid. So she remained politely silent, if not a little uncomfortable.
Asuka got the hint. "Maybe I'm just in a good mood." She made a show of tossing her hair over her shoulder as she turned around. "Come on."
Hikari fell in step behind her, and eventually beside her. Asuka was aware she was still looking at her in a slightly weird way.
Neither of them said anything as they descended the school's main entrance stairway and began walking down the sidewalk towards the train station. The western sky was a wash of crimsons and oranges, like bloody water, lighting the streets with red and casting deep shadows. There were a lot of vehicles driving around, and even more people walking: students, workers, businessmen, all with somewhere to go.
The train station was only a few blocks away from the school; it barely took them ten minutes to get there. It would take a lot longer to get to Hikari's house, however, since they had to stop and change trains.
Asuka was the first one to the platform, while Hikari had again dropped back and trailed behind her. The redhead was in no rush, so she waited, wondering why she seemed more thoughtful than normal.
They scanned their student IDs on the machine set beside the gate and walked through as it issued a loud beep. Their train was already there waiting, a thick stream of people boarding as it was very nearly rush hour. And soon it would be much busier.
"Come on!" Asuka took off before hearing a reply, red hair flowing behind her.
"Asuka!" Hikari called after her in complaint, but she was left with no choice. The two girls rushed across the platform, dodging the people there, receiving a few indignant glances in the process. They only just managed to squeeze past the sliding doors.
Hikari was panting again as she followed Asuka down the center aisle. The German girl snickered. Despite the mandatory PE in the curriculum, some of the girls always found a way out of it—Hikari included. Running around and being all sweaty was not the sort of thing that most demure Japanese females enjoyed.
Asuka was different. She loved it, not the least because physical exertion helped clear her oft-troubled mind.
The train was even more crowded with people than was evident from the outside, mostly students from other schools, some from their own, salarymen, and other assorted commuters who had really bad timing. Asuka had never been able to comprehend what could make those people ride the train unless they absolutely had to, and especially not during rush hour. In Germany, everyone drove a car.
And with that thought came a fond memory of the one time Kaji had tried to teach her to drive a 5-speed stick. There had been a lot less going on in those days. Her happiness had seemed boundless.
Now she could only be cynical about the mere thought of happiness, and the more she thought about it the more miserable she felt.
Hikari eventually found a single seat towards the back. She offered it to Asuka, but the redhead refused. She was not the one breathing so heavily she seemed like she was about to pass out. Hikari chose to accept the sudden bout of politeness and took the seat while Asuka stood in front of her, grabbing one of the loop handles that dangled from a rail in the ceiling for support.
Almost immediately a high-pitched electronic tone sounded from the doors and the train hummed into life.
Asuka allowed her eyes to wander through the train car before settling on the window behind Hikari. The station swiftly passed by and the entire car plunged into orange light as it pulled into the open. The western sky was flush in a heavy orange stain, though dithered and not quite as golden as her hair.
Hair like the sunset—there was a lame pickup line if she ever heard one. Nobody would ever say something like that to her. Especially not Shinji. He couldn't talk to a girl unless it was to tell her he hated her.
Or that he cared about her.
She knew it was stupid feeling, as childish as finding yourself trapped in the blind hope that someone would fulfill your wishes out of the kindness of their heart. Grown-ups didn't worry about whether their wishes came true. Reality had to be accepted and taken in stride and dealt with. There was no place in it for what you wished would happen instead of what actually was. Asuka had found out the hard way that these things always ended in disappointment, and she was tired of being disappointed.
But she was always wishing, always dreaming, waiting for things to land in her lap. How could she, Asuka Langley Soryu, not go and get whatever she wanted?
The answer was easy, and she had known it for a while—because she was afraid. Just like she had been as she watched while the Angel beat Shinji to a pulp right in front of her.
That didn't have to mean that she was helpless. Successfully activating Unit-02 was proof that fear could be overcome, and when she had watched the video of Shinji diving into that dark tunnel after the Angel she realized immediately the courage it must have taken. And now she knew he had done it solely for her.
Whatever his intentions were, whatever this declaration was supposed to do, she could not deny it that tugged at something very deep and very soft inside of her; that his words mattered to her where before she would have ignored him.
And if the human doormat could stop being afraid just for the moment it took to make the jump into darkness, so could she.
Would that make her happy?
"Hikari," Asuka began, purposely fixing her eyes in the distance. "Can I tell you something?"
"You can tell me anything, Asuka," Hikari said, and Asuka could feel her friend's gaze on her like a spotlight.
Asuka turned her head and looked at her. Hikari's soft features appeared sharper than usual as the sunlight that filtered through the train windows gave her, and everything else in the car, a crimson hue. Suddenly everything seemed to stand perfectly still.
Will it make you happy, Misato had asked her. And the answer she gave had been a lie. But it wasn't a lie anymore.
"Hikari, I want to go home."