Kapitel 15: Chapter 15: Probation: Meetings & Final Report
Of unusual getaways, accidental marriage, unorthodox information and the end of an era. Well, the Arc, anyway.
Incongruous Meetings
Y'know, most landmark encounters are usually significant, cliffhanger-type moments, or completely random I-bumped-into-you-on-the-street.
They do not typically occur in a basement launderette of an apartment building at 9 o'clock at night. Nor are they so heart-wrenchingly pathetic as to be watching a five-year-old trying to open the hatch of an industrial washing machine.
Of course, the bright blonde hair and whisker marks gave me pause for a second. Before I set down my own basket with a thump.
"Hang on, let me get that for you, kid."
As tends to be the case with most well-used machinery, the handle mechanism requires a certain knack to open; a slight twist to the right and then tug. After a deep breath, I turn around and accept my fate.
"There you go, needs a twist to the ri-" I double take. What is this madness?!
"Didn't anyone teach you that you don't put colours and whites in at the same time?"
A few minutes later, a basket full of white clothes and a pile of colours on the floor beside it, I get a little worried. Naruto paid avid attention as I talked my way through separating his laundry for him, but he hasn't said a word.
"Y'know, kid, I appreciate anyone who'll let me waffle on, but sometimes the sound of my own voice gets a little tedious. Can I get your name, at least?"
"Naruto Uzumaki, dattebayo!" He exclaims, almost on reflex, before slamming his hands over his mouth, eyes wide in fear. That's not a good sign.
"Woah, hey! I'm not gonna hurt you," I soothe. "What's the matter?"
"If you talk in a dream, you wake up," he stage whispers, uncovering his mouth slowly.
"Hm, never heard that one before," I muse. "Most people go by, if you can feel pain it's not a dream. Hang on, let me check." I slap myself on the cheek. "Ow. Yep, not a dream."
Naruto giggles, and there's a smile.
"So, Naruto-kun, why did you think you were dreaming?"
"Because you were being nice to me."
Ouch. Ouch. That's...that's painful.
"Huh," I mutter, leaning forward and ruffling his hair. "Not a dye job. So, which one of your relatives was the Uzumaki then?"
He scowls up at me, swatting at my hand. "What're you talking about?"
"You don't look like an Uzumaki, but since Line Theft is serious stuff, you've got to have a least two direct Uzumaki relatives within the last three generations to carry the name."
"Haven't got family. And there's only one Uzumaki, me, you can't take that away from me, dattebayo!"
You have got to be kidding me. Are they not covering this stuff in the Academy or did Naruto not listen to the bits about Clan Alliances? "Raijin's fancy drum kit, has no-one even told you that you have a Clan? Family? A heritage? Possibly a Kekkei Genkai?"
Judging by look on his face, every single word except 'Clan' and 'Family' flew right over his head. "I gotta family? A proper big Clan like Sasuke-teme?" Then, inexplicably, his face falls into utter dejection. "Oh. Well, who needs 'em anyways? I'm fine like I am; I'm big now and I'm in the 'Cademy so I can take care of myself."
What?
"Look, kid. You're an orphan, I can tell. And you didn't know about the Uzumaki Clan, so you definitely don't know that the Uzumaki didn't abandon you for...whatever. The Uzumaki were attacked and scattered to the winds during the Second Shinobi War; what's left of them probably don't know you're here. Wha-? No, don't start crying, no, no; let go of me, I'm not...well, this is my life now."
"Would you like some assistance?" Hound smirks behind his mask as he appears.
"Nah, I need to learn when not to dump information on people anyway. But while he's sorting himself out, I have to ask; why the hell is a, what, five-year-old? Living by himself without even the most basic of instruction or self-reliance skills? If he really needs to be out of the orphanage for whatever reason, he should be bunking in the Student Dorms. Especially since he's at the Academy, that means he shouldn't even have to buy his own food and necessities."
"I don't know."
"Then find someone who does. If you can't tell me, that's fine. Just get this sorted."
He snorts. "Fine." But he stills as Naruto looks up at him from my (now-sodden)chest. "I'll go ask"; Hound vanishes into thin air.
"'m six," Naruto mumbles indignantly through watery eyes and a dripping nose. "Big kid now."
"Yes, yes you are. Now get off me, Ruto-kun. Ow," I grunt as he stomps his foot right under my ribs while clambering off me. "Anyway, hello. I'm pretty sure you've just moved into the floor below mine, haven't you?"
"Aha! You're the weirdo who lives on the top floor," he nods sagely, eyes squinted suspiciously. "You live with the creepy shadow-people."
"ANBU," I correct gently. "Two of them, one of them was just here with us, live next door to look after me and my roommate Juugo. They're moving out in a few weeks. Hopefully I will see them around again; I consider them friends. A third is my friend and sworn-brother and visits often."
"Oh," he breathes in understanding. "Do you know Jiji? He has a lotta ANBU; some helped me move in t' this place, dattebayo. They were nice, but they didn' talk nothing."
"Is the Sandaime Hokage your Jiji?" I ask and he nods frantically, with a beaming smile.
"Yep! I'm gonna be Hokage like him someday and ev'ryone will respec' me, dattebayo!"
"The Nidaime was the best Hokage," I say shortly, folding my arms. "The Shodai was the visionary, the Sandaime is a wise scholar, the Yondaime was a genius, but Nidaime was the revolutionary that made things happen."
"Nuh-uh!" He yells, bouncing up and down while pointing at me indignantly. "The Yondaime was the best! Everyone knows so! He killed the Kyuubi!"
"As was his duty," I snap out a retort. "The Nidaime went above and beyond and bettered the Village itself. He's the reason the ANBU exist and we have an Academy to go to! AND the Yondaime copied the Hiraishin off of him, he did it first."
"No!" Naruto practically vibrates, red in the face. "He wouldn' cheat!"
I remain calm, merely raising an eyebrow and tapping my fingertips together. "Well, to be fair, the Nidaime had been dead for quite a while by that point, so that jutsu was fair game. And, really, leaving a legacy for the next generation, all that lovely Will of Fire rhetoric; they actually have to use it and technically rob your corpse in a metaphorical way. And as shinobi, if you're not winning, you're not cheating hard enough."
I think some of that actually got through; Naruto's looking pensive now rather than riled. "Wha'? But the sensei's at the 'Cademy always yell at me f' cheating?"
"Okay, Ruto-kun, listen to me carefully, because this is important ninja stuff," I say sharply, in my best Henchman General voice. He promptly straightens up. "The ninja who wins is the ninja who cheats first, most and best. But you should only cheat to win in a fight or spar; cheating for the sake of it is petty and will lose you trust from others. And always learn how to do something by working hard before you start cheating at it; that's clever, not lazy."
His brow furrows. "So...I can't cheat at the 'Cademy 'cos I haven't learned ev'rything yet? And that's why they all say cheating is bad? But when I know ev'rything, I can cheat all I want in fight's but not anythin' else?"
"That's right," I smile, ruffling his hair; positive reinforcement for the win, yay!
"If you two are all quite finished with this edifying and truly riveting discussion," Hound interrupts. "It seems there was some...bureaucratic mismanagement."
Wait. "You...got this sorted at night." My tone is sceptical. "People would have been sleeping! And severely unmotivated into the bargain."
"Sleep is for the weak," that grinning blood-slash of a painted mouth growls flatly. "And I can be very motivating indeed."
"You're sick," is the first thing Yuyu says to me when I open the door. Her body language reads worry and angry concern rather than accusation; she knows about the genetic condition that reduced canon-me to a walking corpse?
"Why didn't you say?! Idiot! Stupid, dumb, boneheaded, boy! Ugh!" She stomps her foot in a pique of childish frustration, the ominous red-and-black silhouette of her apparition beginning to coalesce behind her shoulder.
Thinking quickly, I hold up a finger. "Okay, first of all, calm down. Two, it's in remission and I should be clear in a year or two. Three, thank you for your concern. Four, how the hell did you know?"
"Don't understand; course I'm concerned. Had Monitor kikaichu sample your blood and scan your organs while you slept." She crosses her arms petulantly, tilting her head in puzzlement as the shadow fades away.
Whoa. Adorably creepy or creepily adorable? "Screw that, either way it's creepy!"
"But I have your health in my best interests."
I sigh, and resist the urge to bang my head against the doorframe. "Just come in and sit down, I'm not explaining medical ethics on the doorstep."
"Why are you so invested in my health that you decide to examine me, in my sleep notwithstanding?" I ask as I flick the kettle on to boil and reach up to the cupboards to take out two cups.
"Aa, standard procedure," she mutters, unsure now. "My job. Obaa-san runs an outreach program, recruiting for information network. I enable medical help for her informants and detect and contain disease outbreaks."
Buh...bwa...whu..."Okay, you didn't answer my question. But seriously, you manage an entire information network while running pathogen control. How many countries does it span?"
"Obaa-san oversees, not me. She has at least one agent in every major town in eight countries, but the range of my kikaichu only expands to the edges of Hi no Kuni."
I stare. "You're ten."
I can sense her blink behind her visor. "I am."
The kettle shrieks, clicks and then starts to cool. I put the cups back and exchange them for two glasses. "I need something stronger than tea." I pull out a large bottle from the fridge and shake it vigorously before pouring and returning to the fridge. Yuyu takes the proffered beverage gingerly, waiting for me to drink before she pulls down her half-mask and sips delicately like she's half-expecting battery acid.
"This is ginger beer," she says flatly. She sips again. "With peach puree and honey syrup."
"My ANBU are adamant about keeping me away from alcohol," I explain dryly. "Because they are overprotective parents- don't deny it you two," I say to the hallway, "It only fuels my argument. Also," I turn back to Yuyu. "I'm not one of your grandmother's network, so why did you test me?"
"You're mine," she pronounces, matter-of-fact as a death knell. "I promised to protect you and when you acknowledged me as your Queen, you became part of my Hive. So, I have a duty of care toward you...please stop smacking yourself in the face."
Ooh-kay, deep breath, accept thine fate, it could be worse. Still..."What's the catch? You look after me, what do I have to do in return? Please be aware that that if your answer includes Eternal Servitude, Favours of The Bedroom Kind, Blood Sacrifice, Loss of Sanity And/Or Bodily Control, or Variants Thereof, I will scream, throw you out the window and never speak to you again; possibly with a side order of stabby-stabby for good measure."
"You're incorrigible. Some of your chakra now and again is more than sufficient. I will want to test you regularly to monitor your health."
"Oh yes!" I round on her. "Care to explain why you didn't just ask for a blood sample and a scan in the first place?"
Yuyu falters, shifting her grip on the glass. "I'm looking after you," she repeats weakly. I nod agreeably in an exaggerated fashion, even as my blood boils in my veins and my bones under my skin.
"Ah yes, forced medical examinations framed as being for my own good and the examiners uncaring of my opinions or status as a human being; doesn't this sound familiar?"
The lower half of her face is bloodless. "I'm not," she whispers hoarsely. "Sorry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...forgive me." She bows her head. Shit, what do I do now?
I pat her awkwardly on the head; her hair's soft and fluffy despite being firmly tied back in short ponytails. "Sometimes compromise and self-rationalizing can be awful things. Feel free to utterly tear apart our enemies without their consent though. Now, what are these Monitor kikaichu that you scanned me with? They sound important and really interesting."
Thank the kami, the distraction works.
"They were my Okaa-san's creation before she died. Used the Giant Parasite kikaichu as a base-form for their ability to grow explosively inside a host and modified them into a more benevolent semi-permanent larval form that has unparalleled bio-scanning abilities on par with a Byakugan. Except better because they can attune themselves to a baseline health standard and narrow down abnormalities as well as probable causation before symptoms set in properly...'"
Starting off a little wobbly, Yuyu gets more and more animated as she talks, gesturing with her hands and overall body language becoming more large and expressive. It's a far cry from the taciturn foreboding silence she affects at the Academy and otherwise in public. She was pretty open when I was sealing Tenzo as well. Maybe it's because of the lack of people observing her or something.
"...And that's when I found out about your immune system and I got angry at you for not telling me anything."
"Yeah, the joys of inbreeding means that my immune system tends towards self-destruction," I add dryly.
"At least the scarring to your kidneys is minimal and it was caught before it could reach your brain," she nods. "I'm sorry for not asking first. If you don't ever want to have anything to do with me again, that's fair after what I did to you. I should leave now."
She turns to go but I grab her sleeve. "Y'know, you really need to stop assuming stuff Aburame-chan. I never said I wanted you to never speak to me again."
"But I hurt you!" She insists, her bronze kikaichu emerging from her pockets and coat seams and swarming in response to her confusion. Do all Aburame kikaichu get so defensive? "And your mental state is fragile enough already, I refuse to damage you further!"
"Whose damaging what now and how do I join in?" Itachi blinks as he climbs in through the window, ANBU gear wrinkled with sweat and what smells like vomit. He looks tired but not drained though.
"Aburame-chan gave me a medical examination without my knowledge which reminded me of Orochimaru; I called her out on it and I'm trying to forgive her but she keeps insisting that of course I must hate her now."
"Okay, do you actually hate her now?"
"Nope."
"Oh well, that's cleared that up." He drops to the floor and scans the room in a cursory glance, eyes lighting up at the sight of the half-drunk glasses on the counter. "Hey, you made another batch of your ginger-peach tea-stuff!" He wanders over to the fridge and fishes out the bottle. "And thanks for that brace of grapeshot exploding tags; they worked a treat." He slouches on the sofa with a groan with a glass in his hand.
Oh no you don't. "Oi! Off!" I kick him lightly in the shin only to receive a grunt. "You're filthy; get off my sofa before you stink it up."
"Nooooo~" He groans half-heartedly. "Soooo tired."
"Go take a shower, you festering piece of duckweed."
He flips me a middle finger. "Mean Ani-chan."
"Fine. But go and sit in your own filth somewhere that isn't my sofa."
Grumbling under his breath, he slithers onto the floor and scuttles off, still lying on his back and glass in hand. I hear the shower start up.
"Why do you tolerate him?" Yuyu asks, my hand still on her sleeve. I let go of her.
"I do actually quite like him," I defend. "I taught him how to not be an emotionless killing machine but unfortunately he's kind of stuck at Passive-Aggressive Snark now as regards communication. Drives Shisui up the wall; says I've 'corrupted his sweet baby cousin'."
"So you do really forgive me for intruding on your bodily integrity," she muses aloud, chin in hand.
"Kimimaro-kun, I'm here for Itachi," Shisui pokes his head through the window. "Fugaku-sama wants him at the Compound five minutes ago and-ooh! Who's your friend?"
"My place is already a circus, so come on in Shisui. You can be the performing monkey."
He lets out a theatrically horrible wheezing gasp, clutching at his heart and falling slowly through the window to sprawl artistically on my floor. "Oooooh! What a cruel and heartless monster that has beguiled my cousin away from me! I take it he's using your shower?"
"Change of plan, you're the clown. Yuyu Aburame, this sad excuse for comedy and sadly the most personable Uchiha in existence except perhaps Itachi is Shisui Uchiha. Shisui Uchiha, Yuyu Aburame, undisputed eldritch terror of my Academy class and apparently my self-appointed life-long benefactor."
"Tell Shisui that Tou-sama can fucking wait!" Itachi yells from the bathroom.
"Corrupted, I tell you," Shisui groans. "That flesh-eating snail genjutsu you helped him design? Katatsumuri no Nikushoku? I will never be able to look at Tsunade-sama's Summon again without feeling sick. Our opponent threw up quite spectacularly before disembowelling himself by accident in hysteria."
"Oh, so he hasn't broken the news to you yet?" This is going to be glorious!
He adopts a grinning resignation akin to a shinobi willingly on a suicide run. "I can tell I'm going to need copious amounts of alcohol for this. What news?"
"Well, you're not already drowning your hysterics, so Itachi was obviously too preoccupied by self-disembowelling ninja. Did you know that some ancient laws recognise Itachi and I as legally married?"
"Technically!" Itachi hollers.
"..."
"You see..."
Crash!
"I think you broke him," Hound muses serenely as he peers out of the open window. "The balcony on the floor below should be repairable though. I think. I dunno, I'm not a construction worker."
"That was funny," Yuyu giggles. I think I can see little sparkly flowers of glee dancing around her visor. Oh my god, she's adorable. Homicidally adorable, but the observation stands.
"I was just going to explain that since the thing of Resonation dates back to the Sage spreading the use of Active Chakra around, and is a quantifiable thing, some cultures deem it an entrenched and recognised legal institution, on par with marriage. I'm pretty sure that in Sunagakure it's still a large and thriving part of their shinobi culture." I explain belatedly.
"Ani-chan!" A damp Itachi wanders back into the room, hair wrapped in a towel and dressed in some of my spare clothes. "Did you break my favourite cousin aga- Ohdearsweetmotherofmercy!"
"He did!" Yuyu affirms for me happily, seemingly not noticing or caring of a horror-struck Itachi's demeanour.
"Sparkles," Itachi whimpers quietly. Following his Sharingan-gaze, I see that Yuyu's stag-beetle-xenomorph has manifested. And is smiling; extremely toothily. Complete with a floating glittery silver cloud. Ah yes, Itachi hasn't observed Yuyu's unusual quirk, has he? At least he wasn't subjected to the scary version.
And that's when everything went downhill.
This is really gonna hurt.
Is my first thought as I eye the small expanse of blue rapidly approaching both myself and my reluctant sort-of passenger.
Of course Shisui cratering the balcony in spectacular fashion would attract attention. And it wouldn't have been difficult to figure out from which direction such a missile might have come; namely, the flat above. And of course such an event would bring the owner of the balcony running upstairs to demand answers.
Enter Naruto Uzumaki, stage right.
Naruto being a Jinchuuriki equals Bijuu.
A Bijuu in close proximity to a powerful Aburame.
An Aburame old enough to remember the attack years ago and react accordingly.
Compounded by the fact that I was also in close proximity to said Bijuu.
Which meant that the instinct of retreat became attack and retrieve ally.
Namely attack and retrieve ally with full force.
'The range of my kikaichu only expands to the edges of Hi no Kuni.'
Oh shit.
Steel-eating kikaichu.
Fuckballs.
Therefore, I stand by my decision that the only appropriate response to an enraged midget with a pet ghost-xenomorph and several thousand metal-eating attack beetles bearing down on a small child was to snatch said child and launch us both out of the window.
The thought of actually landing only occurred when we were about a hundred feet up; thanks to chakra bursts from the feet upon initial lift-off.
The fact that there happened to be a lake along our trajectory is only slight comfort. Because hitting water at this speed will definitely mean about fifty broken bones.
At least we'll be rescued practically immediately, given that Naruto has been screaming bloody murder the whole time, I've been flaring my chakra frantically and the outer wall of my apartment was just reduced to dust.
Actually, I think that might be Bear below us now.
I grab Naruto by the scruff and throw him, not an easy thing to do in mid-air, down towards said ANBU, who catches him neatly. Good.
Hey, maybe if I coat myself in chakra I can-
FWOOM
Breadcrumbs and Butterfly Wings
"This is everything?" Inoichi eyed the thick folder lying in front of him.
"Monthly reports, conversation transcripts, photocopies of project work, our own personal theories and observations, notes on social interactions and also a borrowed Proofing copy of his and Itachi-kun's book," Hound rattled off as he and Bear nodded their assent.
"Right," Hohetou Hyuuga huffed, reaching for the folder. "Divide, read and relay then?"
The two ANBU, Inoichi, Ibiki and Hohetou each received a chunk of information and began pouring over it, relaying what they found to the others as they went. But one of the last pages was puzzling.
"You're absolutely sure this is word-for-word, Hound?" Ibiki grumbled.
"Yes, Morino-san. My Sharingan was active."
"I bet it was," Hohetou snorted. "I think I'm starting to remember those kids now; kunoichi-chibi had a newt summon, didn't she?"
"It didn't cope well with the Katon jutsu that got sent it's way though; but then it might have been a power play by Ame to show that they do have that martial resource despite, you know, all the civil unrest," Hound shrugged. "Regardless, it's Kimimaro-kun's inside knowledge that's the problem, isn't it?"
"No, it's the goal,"Ibiki stressed. "The problem is this damn code he said it in. I've had a team go over the whole transcript forwards, backwards, sideways and inside out but we're getting nowhere!"
"It's not coded," Inoichi gritted his teeth, running his fingers through his hair. "At least, not in the way most people would think."
"You think that's really all he did? Actually, no, of course he would," Bear interjected.
"How didn't I see it?! He has a thing for symbolism," Inoichi explained shortly to the baffled Hohetou and Ibiki. "And he doesn't have the capacity to alter his speech pattern on the fly, like you thought he was doing."
Hohetou grabbed a sheet of plain paper. "Gimme that back; I'll list key words and sentences...'"
'I hear that in Amegakure, the dead walk in fields of paper flowers.'
'And the Child in Red was bathed in red and the blind giant stretched it's maw forth and it's tongue was a great serpent that stripped the souls of the mighty warriors. And the Child in Red looked upon the field he had seeded with red and felt the daggers in his back and proclaimed it good. And so the Child in Red grew up.'
'I'm no good at acting...Acting a character, anyway...'So is the Child in Red. Or rather, so is the God in Red. The towers of Amegakure hold many secrets.''
"The first section..." Bear mused. "Someone who is dead but not really. Someone who is figuratively dead in that they have a different mindset after a life-changing event?"
"Or who faked their death or were...are...presumed dead," Ibiki rumbled.
"Someone, or multiple someones, who are supposed to be dead, aren't," Hohetou confirmed as he wrote down their findings. "What about the 'paper flowers' bit?"
"Amegakure is a vertical city of metal; they don't have much in the way of actual flowers since the area is mostly wetland or lake," Hound added. "Ame no Kuni is known for exporting paper though; the abundance of reed-beds make a profitable natural resource."
"Could this person or persons have some notable connection or fondness for Origami then?" Inoichi proposed. "Perhaps that will help us track down someone who knows them from when they were 'alive'."
"Origami, possible," Hohetou scribbled aloud.
"Next section; Child in Red?" Bear announced.
"Connection to blood?" Inoichi asked.
"'The Child in Red was bathed in red', so yes but no," Hound corrected. "The child themselves is red."
"Hair," Ibiki proposed. "Actual distinguishing physical feature and can't be changed as easily as an outfit or such would be. Likely an Uzumaki."
"Giant-something, serpent-something, a lot of people are killed by said Uzumaki child; 'he seeded' indicates purposeful action," Hound continued. "This is starting to sound like a description of a Snap Event. 'Child in Red grew up' proves that there was an obvious psychological shift. That could be linked to 'acting a character'; hiding by pretending to be someone else?
"Into a 'God in Red'," Inoichi latched on. "You're absolutely sure it's 'god' and not 'kami'? Because 'god' has some nasty implications."
"Definitely 'god'," Hound confirmed. "What implications?"
"Kami are patron spirits of professions, concepts, places, things or select individuals; their power is restricted," Inoichi explained with a frantic edge to his voice. "Gods, or those known as gods, aren't. They have control over base laws of reality and can do as they please. The Sage of Six Paths, or the legendary Juubi he divided could be examples. Fuck, even if it's only someone on par with Hashirama Senju, the one named God of Shinobi, this is serious."
"Uzumaki kid has a Snap Event, kills some powerful people in the process or out of revenge, has a psych-shift and possibly awakens immeasurable power and/or a fucking Kekkei Mora and may also be currently faking his own death while hiding in Amegakure," Hohetou rattled off nonchalantly as he wrote.
"Would this person be an Ame-nin then, or just using the Village as a hiding place?" Bear asked. "No way that sort of power wouldn't attract notice."
"I'll send word to Jiraiya-sama, tell him what we've found and ask if he could dig something up," Inoichi rose to his feet.
"Hn," Ibiki grunted. "You'd be better off asking Tori-ue-sama. She can ferret out anyone without anyone knowing."
"Would you?" Inoichi begged in relief. "Your Shishou isn't exactly the most...approachable of people."
"She's retired," Ibiki rolled his eyes. "And you owe me big for this. She takes her retirement seriously."
Final Report
"So, to review your year of probation," Inoichi shuffles a sheaf of papers.
"Disregarding your annoying of the T&I Department upon your initial arrival, you get attacked by Anko Mitarashi, get drunk while drinking with Anko Mitarashi, cadge taijutsu tutoring from Gai, befriend the Uchiha Clan Heir, get temporarily kidnapped, have several panic attacks, become a fiction author, acquire fangirls, attend a party disguised as a girl, annoy Jiraiya-sama into reviewing your sealing work, re-invent a recipe known as pasta, briefly go berserk after developing sinusitis, teach Itachi Uchiha the language known as English, traumatize a cell of Amegakure Genin, reverse engineer Sage Chakra, turn one of our ANBU into the second coming of the Mokuton, befriend your two ANBU watchers, break up with your companion Juugo, and punt yourself into the lake. Any comments?"
"You forgot the bit where I helped Itachi create two new genjutsu techniques and one of the training grounds is now a prime source of mokuton-grown lumber. I found out that wrapping myself in chakra can safeguard against impact which I really should have deduced years ago. Also, Itachi considers me an older brother and we're also married-"
"Technically!" A distant shout filters through the walls.
"Fine, technically married, though only under Sunagakure law, but in basic terms, we're Resonated.
But yeah, I think that covers everything. All in all, I think it's been a very productive year. Are you okay?"
"You are the most...passively infuriating child I have ever had the misfortune of meeting," Inoichi mumbles into his hands. "You have no sense of proportion."
"Actually, I've been really careful to not, you know, make waves?"
"All of this," he slaps the papers incredulously, "is you being...discrete?! What the hell can I expect now you have free reign then?!"
"Uhh, Itachi and I are going to keep writing stories, and I still have some ideas I want to try with seals? Also, working on my taijutsu-slash-kenjutsu-slash-kekkei-genkai."
"Hm. Speaking of your discretion," Inoichi leans forward, hands clasped and tone deadly serious. "Since you are neither stupid nor ignorant, I presume that you've noticed something about Naruto Uzumaki?"
"I had some theories, but that little incident where Aburame-chan got a bit upset and I ended up in the lake tipped me off to the truth. Fox, yes?"
"Your silence?"
"I'm not stupid. Given."
"Excellent." He leans back, apparently satisfied. "His condition is currently an S-class secret; death penalty.
Blood thunders in my ears. "What?"
Itachi nods.
"It's the only thing that makes sense. Your soul and memories reincarnated from far in the future, where this time period is probably, most likely, documented in history books. Technology and inventions are more advanced than they are now, and you write our stories like you're remembering something already written. You're trying to change history, without ruining it, which is why you're so cautious yet always know exactly what to say to certain people.
Am I wrong?"
"Um...'" I croak. "That fits as close as anything. Yes, you're almost exactly right. And I am trying to change history. Well, I already have, but I'm doing it more."
Itachi hugs me. "So, Ani-chan," he stage-whispers into my ear. "How weird is it to be the honorary brother of a historical figure? If I'm even in the history books, of course?"
"I can't say too much," I mumble into his shoulder, "But you go down as one of history's most hailed, and reviled, heroes."
My Itachi is different to the Itachi-That-Would-Have-Been. I can't think of how else to say it, especially as how the Massacre has yet to happen and might very well go down differently.
"Hero, huh?" He draws back a little, looking thoughtful. "I think I like the sound of that. As long as it's hero as in 'retired mostly intact with a large pay-check' and not 'died in the dirt like a dog for a cause'." He smiles; too wide.
I can't stop a pensive look flitting through my eyes and he pales. "Oh...fuck."
The Massacre. A year away and already the wheels are in motion. I grab Itachi's wrists. "No! It was the second option but hopefully if everything goes right, it should be the first one," I babble, pulling away and rubbing the back of my neck self-consciously. "Seriously, do you know how weird it was to have you and your mother turn up on my doorstep one morning?"
"No, no," he shakes his head. "You said you changed things for the better. What did I do in the original events; what did I do? What did I not do? Fuck, same questions for everyone else involved?"
Dammit, he's fixated on it. "Itachi, no, stop it, look at me, look into my eyes and listen." I grab his cheeks, squishing his face and turning it towards me. "You are not him. You are not the same person you were before we met. You cannot make the same decisions. I know you want to be pragmatic, but you'd be working off false information and-"
"-false information is worse than none at all," Itachi burbles through compressed hamster cheeks. "I know. But I shouldn't have to choose."
"There is always a third option, Itachi," I sigh, releasing him. "Even if it's the option of bowing out and disowning the problem."
"Says the guy who put himself through horrible suffering just so he'd have an insider advantage when it came to Orochimaru," he snorts. Fair enough, he has a point. "At least if I stay involved I have some control over the outcome."
"Hm," I acquiesce. "Though, speaking of hypocrisy, I've told you mine, you tell me yours. Prior knowledge aside, it's hard to pinpoint exact events, especially since I can only be in one place at a time."
"Hhhrrrrgggh!" Itachi groans, rubbing at his eyes and sitting down. "The entire Clan are IDIOTS! The ringleaders for the coup de tat especially, since their heads are stuck so far up their own asses it doesn't even occur to them that we are at a disadvantage, it'll cause the next Great Shinobi War and they don't even have a restructuring plan for the aftermath."
"Batshit suicidal Clan? Preaching to the choir mate." I sit down beside him, leaning against his shoulder. "Have peace talks failed yet? Has your double-agent work increased?"
"Yes and yes. But to be honest, I'm more annoyed than stressed. I mean, their mouths are moving and words come out and I'm standing there thinking; I am related to these people. These people are respected members of the Clan and community and they lower the IQ of the entire Uchiha Compound just by breathing! It's the only possible reason as to why most of the active shinobi are going along with this farce."
Hang on. "Only most?"
"Yeah. Quite a few of the retired and/or firmly-family-orientated shinobi are out of the loop peripherally. I mean, they know that tensions are high, but they don't know about the coup. All of the nominally-civilian members and children are the same. It's just the movers and shakers; the elite shinobi plus the Elders who are pushing the whole thing."
This is it! "Then the Hokage will probably go for assassination of the ringleaders as his last resort," I chip in. Then a thought occurs to me. "But since nobody else knows about the coup, it'll stir up claims of victimisation again. The other Clans might be convinced too; if the founding Clan of the Uchiha can be effectively beheaded just like that at the Hokage's whim, they won't feel safe and start closing ranks."
"Except if they had a scapegoat. A traitor." Itachi adds on, voice dull. "When you said I become a hero, that's why I...'" his voice trails off, uncertain. "If I...I would gladly handle the blame, being cut off; being damned. But they're mine." A crack appears in his voice. "The whole Uchiha Clan are single-minded, pushy, overbearing, driven perfectionists and they're a part of me. I'm a part of them.
And the rest of the Village; my ANBU squad, they're my comrades, friends. If I kill their families, friends, comrades and fellow Villagers...
I just don't think I could handle the hate."
What can I say to that? "I could never hate you."
"You say that."
"Nah; hate is effort."
"A Nara you are most certainly not, Ani-chan."
"Mmm-dunno, Erumi's not exactly like the rest of her Clan. Dear kami, imagine what a Nara with my sealing expertise could and probably would do."
"..."
"..."
"I am not sleeping tonight," Itachi shivers, an aura of gloom wrapping around his upper face.
Oh look; Pain. He's in this story.
The closest match to Kimimaro's canon illness I could find that would still fit the story was Necrotizing Vasculitis, an autoimmune condition. Initial symptoms can be easily mistaken for other illnesses and later symptoms affect the brain and cause difficulties with swallowing, speaking or moving; fitting with 'moving only under willpower' from canon. It is treatable with a regime of medication.
Now Shisui's default to dealing with Kimimaro is to Scott Pilgrim the window. And Itachi is half-right about Kimimaro's knowledge. Itachi is also in a much better headspace than canon, as is Kakashi, if simply through exposure.
Next Time:
"I am this close to detaining you under suspicion of being an imposter."
"Nothing of the sort, Hokage-sama; I have simply had the chance for some serious introspection and self-evaluation."
...
"So you are the one who has caused so much trouble for me as of late."
...
"So he's dead then? Really dead?"
As always, I hope you enjoyed this Arc Finale.
Please review your favourite moment/quote from the Arc and/or what(or who :D) will happen next chapter.
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
-- Power-
Rangliste 
-- Power-
Stein