Kapitel 5: New Found Desires

[Diary]

24th March, 2015

Sunday (11:00 PM)

Dear Diary,

On Monday after my heartwarming good morning, big sis looked a little surprised or is it better to write shocked? hmm, I wonder why, but when she woke up to my sight, she asked me how long I have been here and I said, "All night big sis" while smiling and this made her somewhat perplexed and she started thinking.

During the time she was silent, I thought whether I did something wrong, did I do something to make big sis hate me? but then realized, NO! I mean that would never happen, she told me herself that she would never hate me and will always be my big sis, so yeah that shouldn't even be a problem but then what is she thinking? That thought somewhat worried me, my inability to predict Big Sis's thoughts made my blood run wild with anger. Was she thinking about going back on her words? Will she say that her words were just lies meant to confront me?

The more silent she remained, the more my mind went into a wreck.

'Big Sis still isn't saying anything, i-i-is...s-s-s-she tr-trying to go back on her words?'

'is she also going to abandon me, did I for the second time in life place my trust on the wrong person?'

'Mother betrayed me by not letting me kill myself for her sake and now even Big Sis?'

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! NO! NO! I don't want big sis to turn into that kind of person b-b-but what if she did then w-w-w-what should I do?'

All these questions spiralling through my brain, making it throb like an exploding bomb.

But thankfully it was all in my head and big sis said," Mayuri, please don't do that from now on. If I ever find you doing stuff like this again then I would be very angry OK!?" with a warm smile

A burst of relief and happiness immediately filled my body, I asked, "s-s-so big sis doesn't hate me?" with a little relieved and longing expression and she said, "OF COURSE NOT! didn't I tell you yesterday that I wouldn't hate you no matter what? Now you have hurt me by saying something like that" with a playful expression.

I started crying immediately and hugged big sis again while saying big sis, big sis, over and over again. I mean how stupid of me to think all that stuff, I mean I doubted my big sis, I doubted her, doubted HER! but not anymore. I made a decision to never again doubt her and even if by accident I do start doubting then as a punishment I would just cut one of my fingers, yup that should be enough retribution for doubting someone you trust and someone who wishes for my best.

After that, the day passed as usual.

On Tuesday Mr. Jansha came to me and said I would be studying under a tutor for a year and after that when I turn 12 on the march of next year he would put me in the school where big sis goes so I would be in 7th grade and big sis in 8th grade next year. Just thinking about being with big sis even in school just made me so tingly.

It was a day of good news.

On Wednesday the tutor came and he was an old man named Mr.Janas who had a little hair on top of his head and slightly wrinkled face. He would be responsible for teaching me maths and science and my English tutor would be Mrs.Palak, my step-mother since she graduated from IIT and most of the time stays home.

Mr.Janas' teaching was very slow but he would explain things thoroughly so I understood everything he was teaching me. I needed to study hard because I need to be an honours student when I go to school so that big sis would be proud of me and at the same time I would appear as a perfect child in front of Mr. and Mrs. Jansha. I can also talk to them the same way I did with big sis but big sis being the only one who knows makes me feel like there are things only we know and nobody else, making me feel somewhat of a special bond with big sis.

Another reason for being an honours student is that I would get some leniency in the rules department of the school, as I would not want them to call Mr. and Mrs. Jansha over for some mistake that I do. Even if they are step-parents but they only treat me nicely because I don't trouble them.

The reason mother left as I realize of now is that she was troubled by me so wouldn't that mean if I trouble someone they would run away? At first, I would have thought the same about big sis, that she would also run away if I cause trouble for her but there's no way that would happen after what she promised me and I shall never doubt her.

On Thursday Big sis went to the school, apparently, there was some renovation going on so the school was closed for some time. After she went to school I started missing her and as time went on I started missing her more and more. I wanted to see her, I really wanted to see her, but I didn't know where her school was located and asking Mr. and Mrs. Jansha about it seemed kinda weird.

So I endured it and the moment she came back home I hugged her from behind as hard as I could and didn't let go for 30 minutes, I didn't even see what face she made, but it had to be a happy one. I stayed with her till the tutor came then after studying I again went back to her room to play as she should have also completed homework by now.

On Friday again the same thing happened, I realized that I need to do something about not being able to see Big Sis when she goes to school as it was getting harder and harder to endure it. My mind would become uneasy, my body would start shaking with some feeling I don't know how to describe.

The shaking would become more vigorous as time went on, I couldn't think about anything but Big Sis. Constantly preaching her name would somewhat calm my senses down but it still wasn't enough. I don't need an image of her, I needed the real being. Going to Big Sis's room and lying there in her closet would also calm me down. The scent of Big Sis on her clothes helped me get through these tough mornings.

On Saturday, again, I couldn't think of any methods to see her when she goes to the school but thankfully tomorrow was Sunday so I would have her all to myself then, yeah I just needed to endure it.

Today's Sunday, big sis and I went to see a movie. I have never seen one before so when I told her about this, she asked me to tag along with her to watch a movie. Obviously, hearing that I got all excited because now it would be just two us for a while and the enduring when she went to school paid off.

We went to the theatre, it was not outside, this mansion had a theatre built inside. We went inside and sat on the seats located in the middle. Big Sis put the disk inside the laptop and the movie started projecting on the wall in front. Apparently this projector thing can be bought by anyone, then why do people go to an actual theatre?

The movie started playing.

Ahhhhh now it was just the two of us in the dark, the more I thought about how close I was to Big Sis, how clearly I could hear her breathing and smell her hair..... it started making me more tingly and excited. I remembered something important, while reading those love books given by nun in the orphanage the characters would always treat skinship like it's some really big deal so I wanted to know why? Why would those characters become so unresolute when it comes to skinship?

So while watching the movie I rested my hands on top of big sis and she got surprised and asked, "M-m-ayri w-w-w-hat are you doing" with a slightly embarrassed face, seeing which made my heart start pounding frantically, 'aaaaaaaahh what is this feeling?' I remember thinking.

It felt so good and blissful, it was no wonder those characters made a big deal out of it, I have never felt anything like this before and once I had a taste of this feeling I wanted more, more, much more! now that I have experienced the starting line of this wonderful thing called skinship.

This skinship was somewhat different, as this wasn't the first time I have touched someone. I haven't felt this blissful when someone from orphanage touched me, in fact, I never felt anything from it but this, this is something completely different even though it's the same thing. I wanted more of this feeling that only big sis can give me so I just smiled at her question and continued to lay my hands on top of her's till the movie ended.

As for the movie, It was a detective movie where a person chased after a criminal while gathering clues and when he figured out the criminal, he followed him for a while and found his subordinates' location and finally arrested them all in one sweep.

Seeing this I got an idea. I mean can't I do the same thing? become a detective and follow big sis? but I rejected the idea as I got a feeling that it would anger big sis. But the feeling of solitude when Big Sis went to the school overtook me and I found a solution.

What if I don't get found out? then I could see big sis even when she goes to school. The risk is big but just thinking about all the frustration from not seeing her and the fact that I would be able to see what she does when she's not around me, just thinking that made me feel ecstatic, yeah let's try that definitely.

Mayuri

[Mayuri's POV]

now I better sleep quickly to wake up early and become a detective