Kapitel 19: A letter to grandpa

|Innaya|

Dear Grandpa,

I miss you. I am not able to share this with anyone. You know how Mom and Granny are. They will unnecessarily worry and it will hurt them to know that I am still stuck in my past. I can't share this with Siya either. She is my best friend but she has no idea how twisted my life has been.

lI feel everyone will run away or turn out like those monsters of my past if they get any idea about my past. I have had enough of people judging me, sympathising with me, pitying me as if they had that right. I do not want any of that. I don't want to get reminded of that black time of my life, yet somehow, even the smallest thing like injection, street dog, has me transport back in that time and I find myself trapped in those haunting memories.

You know my past, my PTSD, is going to create problems in my married life. That was the major reason I did not want to get married to anyone. You were aware, weren't you? Then why Grandpa, why you chose him? I feel like I am spoiling his life. I had two episodes in this month. On the second day of marriage, I had the first and now today too.

Nightmares were not the new thing for me, as I had them occasionally and more frequently after you left, but these flashbacks, these episodes weren't there, after the treatment I had undergone. However, they are coming back now and it frightens me, Grandpa, I do not know how to handle them. I don't know how to deal with it. I do not know how to deal with it, without you beside me, without you telling me it will be over.

Grandpa, I am afraid, I don't want to hurt him. However, I feel like I have done the same even though it's unknowingly and unintentionally. Until now, he has been nothing but the understanding and caring husband anyone could ever get. Everyone has his or her limits. How long, he will tolerate me keeping secrets from him? Hell, I could not tolerate it, then how can I expect from him? He is giving me space, he is being the silent support, and unknowingly he is helping me when I suffer those dreadful moments.

I want to tell him everything, yet my heart always stops me. If you have chosen him for me, then he must be special. I know, you would never allow anyone to hurt me after what had happened. Somehow, I had found a friend in him. A friend, who understands me without telling him anything about myself.

I know what I am writing is not making any sense. I am complaining about him as well as complimenting him. Nothing is making sense to me too. I want to stay far away from him and at the same time, I just want him to hold me closer. I want to run away from him, at the same time I want to run into his embrace that reminds me that I am safe. It's all confusing, I feel I am getting lost in the maze, where there is no way out. I need you.

I do not know how much Granny has told Eshan, about my past. I do not know if she has said anything or not. I want to talk to him about it. His fallen face when I withdraw myself, his concerned eyes when I am locked in my episodes, worries me very much. It pains me, whenever I find him blaming himself for something that is not his fault. Even slightest discomfort to me because of him and he gets all worked up, avoiding me. Well, I do that too, but I do not like to see him that way. What shall I do Grandpa? What is happening to me?

It breaks my soul even to think of my past,

It shakes my existence, leaving me aghast.

I wish time could erase invisible scars on my heart,

Which has become my integral part?

I did not believe in love.

I still do not, I feel,

However, the way he looks at me,

Seems like, this is a dawn, after the dark night.

Tears prickled in my eyes once again, after reading the feelings, I had penned down on the letter addressed to my late grandpa, which I could not share with anyone. Lighting the matchstick, I put the paper on fire from the corner. As the fire consumed letter bit by bit, I felt the heavy burden on my soul lessening.

The yellow-orange flame died down while the only remnants of my feelings were left in the form of ashes, inside the trash bin kept outside, in the balcony where I had been from past one hour.

Eshan's friends had left immediately after dinner, promising to meet me soon but not before giving Eshan earful for not telling them about our marriage. Eshan had an important video conference to attend, regarding some deal with clients of his company and he was in his study, leaving me all alone with my depressing thoughts.

Somehow, the day's event had shaken me and I knew, him too. With the time we had been sharing, I knew he was not the person to lose his patience or his demeanor. Yet he lost it today. I had felt his anger, I had sensed his frustration, and the main point was, it was not directed towards me. He was frustrated at the fact that he was not able to help me.

I had remembered the exercise Grandpa, had made me do in the past. He had asked me to write the problems or feelings I could not share with anyone, on the paper and later to put that paper on fire.

"Let that fire burn away all your tension and let that smoke carry them away from you. It is not about the paper that you are burning, it is the emotion that you are letting out in the forms of words, you are freeing himself from that burden," were his words, when I had asked the reason behind it.

Unable to suppress the turmoil, and handle my emotions that were all over the place, I had let my emotions guide me through it, while I just gave them a form of words.

I was so lost in my thoughts, that I did not apprehend Eshan entering into the balcony. When his arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer, I realized how cold I was, as the sudden chilly wind had me shivering the little bit and snuggling into the warmth of his body.

Turning us around he escorted us into the bedroom saying, "You will catch cold, sweetheart."

Leading me towards the bed, he walked back towards balcony door after I sat down while adjusting the room temperature with the AC remote, he had picked on his way from the side table and promptly closed the door.

My heart soaring in delight at his hassle, over such a trivial matter and I felt my lips curving up into a silly smile. I shook my head to clear the fuzzy feeling rising in my stomach as the dim light gave him the alluring look. His hair was still well kept and his face looked fresh despite it being midnight. I guessed his conference was to blame for it.

"What were you doing outside at this time?" His question brought me out from checking him out silently. I turned my face slightly to avoid looking at him. I lied down at my side of the bed before answering him anything when his teasing reply rendered me speechless for a while, "Couldn't sleep without me?"

"I slept whole afternoon and evening," I replied, ignoring the way he sauntered into the room while removing the blazer, he had worn.

"Still sweetheart, standing outside at this time without any warm clothes can make you ill." He disappeared into the washroom, taking out the clothes for changing while winking at me on his way. I rolled my eyes and picked out my mobile from the side table unlocking the screen. I logged into my Webnovel account, checking for any new updates as he took his time in the washroom.