Kapitel 19: eighteen
"It's too late, I'm already involved with her."
~ ♡ ~
Jimin looked at me uncertainly. "What do you mean Tae? You've only known her two days, how involved can you possibly be?"
I took a deep breath, closing my eyes, debating whether or not to tell him. But I should have known better.
"Oh my God Tae..." Jimin has always been able to read me, and I could never keep things from him even if I wanted to. But I didn't want to, I wanted to talk about it. "You've already slept with her?" He stood, taking a few steps then turning back to look at me.
I looked up, looking into his eyes, hoping for understanding. I wasn't disappointed. His expression went from one of disbelief to one of tenderness.
"How, Tae..." he shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut, "never mind, I know how, just...why? I'm not judging you Tae, but...help me understand."
I looked away, losing focus on my surroundings as I pictured y/n, and tried to vocalize how she made me feel. I wasn't real good with words to begin with.
"I don't know Jimin, I don't know how to explain it." I closed my eyes, trying to find the words, and it made it a little easier. "When I look at her, it's like there's no one else around, even if we're in a crowd. When I feel her hand in mine, I know that it's the only one that will ever fit there perfectly. When she laughs, it's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. When I have to leave her, it's physically painful to walk away, it literally feels like something is holding me back, and it's getting harder to do every time." I opened my eyes, looking up, to see Jimin watching me, his expression one of wonder. "I feel like I've finally found where I belong, and I wasn't even searching."
Jimin stood there, staring at me for several seconds, before walking over to sit back down next to me, a smile lighting up his face. "I've never seen you like this before."
I turned my head to look at him, wanting him to know I meant what I said. "I've never felt like this before."
"Okay, so, like, when did this happen? When did you know? Its literally only been two days since you met her."
I thought back to the night Namjoon had brought her to the arcade. I remembered turning around, and seeing her for the first time, feeling my heart jump in my chest. My throat had gotten dry, and I had swallowed trying to moisten it, but it was like there was cotton in my mouth.
"Honestly, I felt something the second I first saw her, and I guess I tried to ignore it. But I was drawn to her."
Jimin took a breath in thru his nose, then exhaled the same way, his lips drawn into a thin line. "So... how'd you end up..." he hesitated briefly.
"Sleeping with her?" I finished for him.
"Yeah..."
"Well it's not like I planned it. It just...happened." I ran my fingers through my hair.
Jimin raised his eyebrows at me. "Elaborate please." He never was one to shy away from the details, no matter how personal they might be.
I rolled my eyes at him, knowing he wouldn't give up until I had told him.
"Last night, after the meeting, I had gone to her room, and we'd ordered takeout and had it delivered. Everything was fine, until she asked me what I did for a living. I tried to brush it off, but she persisted."
Jimin was watching me intently. "So do you think she knows?"
"She knows. I snapped at her, because she wouldn't drop it, and I hurt her feelings. She told me to go home and get some rest, but when she said my name, she asked if she should call me "V" instead. That's when I knew that she had looked up the song, and probably more."
"Was she mad that you didn't tell her?" Jimin's brows came together questioningly.
"She wasn't mad. She was upset. I explained to her why I didn't tell her, and she said that she was my friend before she knew, and that knowing didn't change anything. She said she would still be my friend regardless."
Jimin nodded. "Well that's good, I guess. But I still don't get how that led to you sleeping with her."
"It didn't happen then. It happened early the next morning."
He looked at me, blinking, waiting for me to continue.
"I decided I was going to surprise her the next morning with coffee and doughnuts, to make up for snapping at her. So when she went in the bathroom to wash her hands after eating, I took her key card out of her phone case."
He raised his eyebrows at me. "You just...took her key card? Without asking?"
"Well how else was I supposed to surprise her?"
He frowned, shrugging his shoulders. "I don't know, knock on her door with coffee and doughnuts maybe, and when she answers it, say 'surprise!'.
Now it was my turn to frown. "Yeah, but that wouldn't have been the same..."
Jimin snorted. "Obviously, since the way you did it led to sex."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "It wasn't supposed to."
"Well...how did it?" He asked, a bit impatiently.
I huffed, looking up at the ceiling. "When I got there, it was almost 6am. I assumed she'd still be asleep. I let myself in quietly, planning to just sit by the table and let the smell of the coffee wake her up. Except she wasn't asleep. She wasn't even in bed."
He raised a brow.
"She was in the bathroom, and I could hear the shower. So I grabbed my cocoa and a doughnut, and sat on the bed looking at my phone, waiting for her to get done."
Jimin's mouth opened, like he was getting ready to say something, but closed just as quickly, his head shaking.
"I know what your thinking, and no, she didn't come out of the bathroom naked. I mean...she was wrapped in a towel."
His eyes widened. "So, almost naked..."
"Jimin, y/n and I had made a promise after I realized that she knew I was an idol. She said that if we were going to be friends, I had to promise not to keep things from her. I agreed, as long as she promised the same. We pinky promised."
"Woah, that's deep."
"Yeah, but I had already broken the promise, I broke it as I was making it." I sighed.
"Because you were keeping how you felt from her..."
"Yes..." I glanced at him, not surprised that he had figured it out.
"I'm still waiting to find out how all this led to you sleeping with her." He crossed his arms.
"While I was sitting on the bed waiting for her to come out, I decided that I was going to tell her I had broken the promise. And I really was...I was going to tell her that I liked her as more than a friend. I tried. She had gotten embarrassed, and had grabbed her clothes off the bed, and turned to go back to the bathroom, and I told her to wait."
Jimin was watching me, careful not to interrupt, waiting for me to continue.
"I got up, and stood in front of her, told her I needed to tell her something." I looked at the floor, my next words coming out almost a whisper. "But instead of telling her that I had broken the promise, I told her I was going to kiss her."
Jimins face lit up with understanding. "And you did."
"I did. It wasn't supposed to go any farther. I think I hoped that she would know that my feelings were stronger than friendship at that point, so that I didn't have to try to put it into words."
Jimin nodded. "It seems to have worked out for you."
I wrinkled my nose at him. "I gave her the chance to stop me. I told her that if she didn't, I wasn't going to stop. She looked me right in the eye, and said nothing. What would you have done?"
"Probably the same thing you did. I told you I'm not judging you, Tae."
"I didn't want to stop, Jimin. I was glad she didn't stop me." I smiled. "Later, she told me that she wasn't sorry that it happened, and that she felt like she was home when she was with me."
"So what are you going to do now? You know we aren't allowed to date." He looked at me, his expression sad.
"I don't know. I was hoping you could give me some advice. I'm afraid to tell her that I have to keep her a secret. I don't want to hurt her feelings again."
"You know you're taking a chance... even being involved with her. If PD Nim finds out..."
"I know, but I'm not afraid of him. I can't control my heart Jimin."
"I know you can't Tae. He just doesn't want our fans to get upset that we may be 'taken'. You know what could happen if that gets out..."
"I know, but it's not right. I love armys, so much, and I'm forever grateful to them. I'd be no one without them. But I still deserve to fall in love with who I choose, with who makes me happy. That's my choice, not theirs. Our happiness should be important to them."
"You're right Tae. And I'm sure it is important to most of them. But it isn't just that. Think about Y/n. What do you think would happen when armys find out who the girl is that stole their V's heart. Some of them won't be very nice to her. Keeping her a secret is for her own safety. You need to just be honest with her. I'm sure she will understand."
"I hope so. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. She came here to get away from negativity, including a boyfriend who didn't appreciate her. Having another one who ignores her isn't what she needs, even if I'm doing it to protect her."
I pressed my lips together, remembering how she had talked about not knowing if she could trust herself yet. I had to be careful. I can't lose her. I didn't know what to do.
Wöchentlicher Energiestatus
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