Kapitel 8: Her Decision

"A reaper?"

I swallowed as I tried to retreat further back into my seat. I wanted to run, I clenched my fist and tried to pull myself out of this chair. A fragment of my memories came again and It forced me to watch myself crying in front of a calendar with a stack of paperwork beside me. I was able to feel how heavy it was and how painful it was to have my colleagues stab me in the back. I blinked a couple of times as my chest gets cramped and with tears running down my face, I said, "What if I don't?"

"Then hell it is for you" The pangolin replied with a dark confident tone as if he's putting up a wide grin with his tiny mouth. Silence has started to pester my ears, a drop of my sweat started to run across my face as I leaned forwards him and wait for him to finish with his reply. He winked at me and with a slower pace, he said, "What I am offering here is a second shot at life. You killed yourself because of those around you, you wouldn't want to go to hell for the same reason right?"

"Do you offer this to every other soul that you talk to?" I gave him a look full of doubt as I retreated back into my space with a long sigh.

"This a choice that is only open to those who died by suicide. We call them prospects." The pangolin scratched his nose before he fished something at the drawer below his desk. After a minute of waving one of his arms, he took out a thick pile of papers that looked like resumes at one glance. He then pushed those papers towards me to see that my file is on top of that list. "If you wanted to ask if someone chose hell, they did. They are now chilling with the demons as they stood there suffering and waiting till they get to see their nemesis. A bit comical actually"

"Wait? How is this supposed to work, what am I supposed to do?" I shook my head as a response. I understood the consequences of my selfish actions but somehow I understood that taking a shot at this next life is not that bad.

"Basically you kill dead people… spirits bound by their desire to stay because of various reasons and send them to me." The pangolin paused, squeaking like a stuffed toy before turning his face towards me. I kept my face the same, I'll admit that it was pretty awkward and funny but it's not enough to break this mask of mine. I was about to ask a follow-up question but he took charge and interrupted me saying, "Anyway, that's all there is you need to know. You have 2-6 targets per week and once you're done, you can laze around until you get a new batch to work with. So yeah, kill dead people and after that, they'll be mine to deal with."

"That few..."

"Oh, dear Mary…" I frowned as he walked across his table to bridge the gap between us. I clenched my jaws and tightened my lips as I tried to see if I can break free and grab him like a dangling ball of cuteness. He rubbed his palms together with a grin and with a sweet tone he followed, "Not everyone is as submissive as you. Some of your targets will resist which will probably end up in a fight. It's a job as easy as killing stray dogs but these are the type of dogs that will bite you back and tear your throat."

"Then why me… I'm not even trained, what could I do? I don't even know if I could… kill… a dead person?"

"Funny to say is it? Well yeah, that's true but training and pep talk is not my job description. I'm here right now to remind you of who you are and present this choice to you." He walked to the right side of the table to pick up the top file from the stack of papers he brought out earlier.

"I am weak! Why am I chosen?… is there some kind of special thing that you see in me?"

"How should I know? First, you killed yourself and now you think you're special? Don't make me repeat myself." He stopped walking at the edge of the table and looked straight in my eyes. He lifted his little arm to point my chest and said, "I don't care who and what you are. What matters is you making the choice right here right now. Will you live for another day or you will stay like a kid's show princess and wait for your imaginary prince in hell?"

My memory has flashed yet again before my eyes. I felt it, I felt that satisfying sensation of blood coming out of my veins and how good it was to feel the weight of my shoulders drifts away along with my consciousness. The last thing I felt was the freezing touch of that bathtub where I'm sitting. I saw myself with my last ounce of energy smiling at my blood-polluted bath water saying, I am free.

I bowed and kept my head down and I couldn't help but let out a small laugh. I wanted to die because I can't take that heavy burden as a cost for living anymore. It felt like I was dragging a huge boulder wherever I go, It was there when I go to work, it's there when I go out to eat and drink alone and it's still there every time I got home. I wanted to run and let go but the very same shackles that brought he here has still the power to drag me deeper.

"So what now Mary, which option will you choose?" His voice rang inside my head like a broken megaphone. I smiled, I wanted to claw my face in and gouge out my eyes but I can't. I wonder if I would say yes, would I be like him? Trapped in a never-ending cycle of missions about killing other people and to set them free. Would I be like him, sounding so broken behind the blank mask that hides his true feelings? What would I be?

A choice is now something that I cannot make. That second life is just a sugarcoated eternal suffering that I am bound to take. Screw it, It's all the same but if I get to set bound people free in that world as the consequence of my actions, then I will pick that option. My feelings became clear and as bright as day as the burdens take its weight in my shoulders once again. I raised my head held high with a broken yet determined smile and said,

"I will become a reaper."