Kapitel 418: Epilogue - Lu Xiaoling
Lu Xiaoling had seen days, weeks, and months pass without even realizing. She had been too immersed in the moment; with work, overseeing the household after her mother's death and most of all, with Tang Yian.
She felt like a teenager again. Mostly considering that being courted by Tang Yian was always the same.
Sitting in the dinning room, drinking tea, Lu Xiaoling was calm and cool. No one was home. Not even Lu Duyi who had seemed to spend every waking moment at home until just a while ago.
It was so empty and boundless that Lu Xiaoling really had time to breathe and think. But her thoughts began to run wild.
She though about her children and she thought about Xu Shen. She thought about how she had wronged them. Lu Xiaoling had not been a good mother or wife, and she knew this well. Being a mother was something she hadn't wanted, and so, she avoided, and being a wife once more was forced upon her and so she treated it like a job.
She had wronged them, so was it alright to be happy with Tang Yian... she thought, but then, another thought invaded her mind.
It's said: "Are you sure you're saying this because you're guilty or because you're unsure about marrying Yian?"
That thought made her heart jump. She then felt a lump in her throat.
Suddenly, the door bell rang.
Hearing this, Lu Xiaoling brushed her thought out of her brain and she walked over to the door.
When she opened it, there was a huge conquer of roses. It was obvious a man was holding but because they covered his face, Lu Xiaoling cocked her head.
"Delivery for Miss Lu Xiaoling," the man said.
Opening the door wide, Lu Xiaoling let the man in and he deposited the roses at a place designated by Lu Xiaoling before he left.
When he was gone, Lu Xiaoling walked over to the roses and brushed her fingers against them, making sure to draw her fingers down towards the thornless stem which contained a card.
Lu Xiaoling, opening it and recited it: "To my dearest Xiaoling,"
That was all it said. Tang Yian had never been the best with words. He was more a man of action. And usually, he spoke the wrong things.
Lu Xiaoling couldn't help but smile and she looked between the roses and the card.
There was only a couple of days until they were to be married. Courting was unnecessary, and so, she didn't understand why Tang Yian continued to do things like this.
Maybe Tang Yian was afraid that Lu Xiaoling would get cold feet and run away. That the pain and bitterness he had created within her had not dissipated and that she would leave him heartbroken. He was a afraid to lose her again, and so, he treated her especially sweetly.
The thought made Lu Xiaoling's heart skip a beat.
Feeling this, Lu Xiaoling frowned slightly.
She hated times like this. Times when she didn't know how she felt. It was all too reminiscent of when she was pregnant and gave birth to Lu AnLing. It was so conflicting... so much so she had lost her mind.
She didn't want this to happen again. Especially not now.
When she had first gotten married to Tang Yian, Lu Xiaoling had not gotten a ceremony. They had just gone to register it. That was all.
It was simple, without nonsense and a part of Lu Xiaoling liked it that way, mostly after her marriage had failed. That way, no one would say anything to her... no one would fault her.
But it was different now. Right?
Lu Xiaoling carried her small bit of doubt in her heart without vocalizing it to anyone. She kept it to herself, where she believed it had to be.
***
On the day of her wedding, Lu Xiaoling felt her heart beat loud against her chest as she started at her reflection in the full length mirror.
With the dress and the makeup combined, Lu Xiaoling looked young and strangely enough, her fidgeting made her feel young.
Lu Xiaoling sighed as she put her hair behind her ear.
She felt so strange and out of place. Lu Xiaoling wrapped her arms around her body and held herself close and wondered what others would think of her...
Meanwhile, Xu Shen had entered the room. He had knocked, but when there was no answer, he had gotten a slight bit worried.
Once he stepped in, he saw Lu Xiaoling admiring herself in the mirror and he couldn't help but stare.
Xu Shen looked over Lu Xiaoling in her wedding dress and smiled. "You're even more beautiful than you were on the day you married me."
Hearing this, Lu Xiaoling turned around. She then smiled softly when her eyes met his. "You don't have to be polite, I've grown old and withered..."
Xu Shen shook his head and said, "You'll never be old and withered. You'll always be beautiful. At least to me, and to someone else we both know..."
"Hmm... I hope so." Lu Xiaoling said averting her eyes, then she looked back at Xu Shen, "I'm glad you brought someone to the ceremony. Is she a friend or —"
"Girlfriend." Xu Shen said before Lu Xiaoling could.
"That's good. I'm happy for you..." Lu Xiaoling said, meaning every work if it, but then, she felt a slight twinge, "but I hope she doesn't hurt you."
"She won't. She's a childhood friend of sorts." Xu Shen said simply, as if reporting to a friend.
"Friends can break your heart too..." Lu Xiaoling said softly. As she did, she remembered how she had hurt Xu Shen. She felt guilty beyond believe.
Seeing her expression change, Xu Shen spoke. "Hurting and being hurt are just apart of life. If Han Qiang hurts me, it is what it is. I'll cry. Be angry. I might even hate her, but in the end, I refuse to be bound by my hurt. I'll move on."
Because that is life. Lu AnLing heard Xu Shen's voice say at the back of her mind. He was so sure and unwavering in his beliefs. Lu Xiaoling admired that. So she stayed silent for a long moment.
"Xiaoling," Xu Shen said softly as he put his hand on Lu Xiaoling's shoulder. This caused her to look up to his deep dark eyes, which drew her in. When she was fully aware of him, he said, "Don't overthink life. Live it."
Lu Xiaoling was speechless.
After saying this, Xu Shen walked out of the room without looking back. It was as if he had closed a chapter on his life, but not violently, as if to run away from it, but lovingly; in the way he does.
Seeing him leave, Lu Xiaoling had the sudden urge to cry. She wanted to cry her heart out. It was as if she had lost something special but when the feeling had passed, only one thought remained.
"I want to be with Yian... but I'm scared..." Saying it out loud was different than thinking it. And once she said it she felt her heart feel heavy so much so that she felt like it was dragging her into an abyss.
She wanted someone to come to her, to comfort her. To hold her tight and tell her everything in the future would be okay. That her rekindled romance will be calm, and easy, without any slight bit of pain.
Lu Xiaoling did not want to be hurt.
As Lu Xiaoling continued to be in her own world, someone suddenly spoke.
"How come you look so sad?"
Hearing this, Lu Xiaoling looked straight at the doorway where Lu AnLing stood.
Looking at her mother, Lu AnLing frowned.
You're a bride, this is a happy occasion." Lu AnLing said simply.
It had been a long time since Lu AnLing had seen her daughter, but quickly, she regained her normal composure.
"I am happy." Lu Xiaoling said simply.
"Oh really? I thought you just said you were scared." Lu AnLing said just as simply.
Lu Xiaoling froze. She hand expected anyone to hear her words. And she hadn't wanted this to happen either. She feared what others would say about her if she even dared to voice her true feelings.
Lu AnLing took a moment to wait and see if her mother would answer her. But when she didn't, Lu AnLing spoke.
"Being scared is part of life. Weren't you scared when you gave birth to me? Weren't you scared on your first day of school? Or when you had your first date. You'll always be afraid. Trust me. But it's up to you if you let that fear control you." Lu AnLing said before she walked back towards the door. She then stopped and looked back to her mother. "I totally forgot to say, congratulations on your marriage, mom. I wish you happiness."
Lu AnLing's words were like a sword to the heart... and immediately, Lu Xiaoling felt herself go weak.
Outside, when Lu AnLing stepped out of her mothers room, she bumped into her father. Seeing him, she frowned.
"What do you think you're doing?" Lu AnLing asked and she stopped him with a hand to the chest.
Tang Yian pointed to the room where Lu Xiaoling was in. "Going to meet my bride."
Blocking his way, Lu AnLing said, "I think she needs some alone time. Go back to your place. She'll be out shortly."
"But—" Tang Yian started.
"No buts. Trust me." Lu AnLing said.
Tang Yian smiled sadly. "I trust you but still... your mother seems a bit unlike herself. I just wanted to check if she still wanted to do this..."
Lu AnLing smiled bitterly at her father and then she said, "Don't you dare say that to her. Women are complicated beings. We want someone to love us the way we want. Saying something like that will just make her feel like you have doubts."
"But I don't! I love her more than anything." Tang Yian said loudly.
"Then trust that she'll walk down that aisle." Lu AnLing ended the conversation simply. And after they were done talking, Lu AnLing walked her father back.
Meanwhile, Lu Xiaoling looked at herself in the mirror and took a big breathe. She was ready...
Feeling herself lighten, she opened the door and stepped out. There she met with her father.
"Oh..." She said when she saw him. "So you've decided to come."
Grandpa Lu did not look at his daughter, instead he frowned. "Don't you want me here?"
"I didn't say I didn't" Lu Xiaoling was not in the mood to stroke her father ego. She was not going to tell him she wanted him here or even in her life. He was a strangely stubborn man and when he decided he didn't like someone, that never changed even if that person had become greater or kinder than they previously were.
Lu Xiaoling gazed towards Tang Yian at the end of the isle and she felt herself calm. All her doubts, in a single moment, disappeared almost completely leaving her heart open. For him.
Before she knew it, Lu Xiaoling had begun smiling like a fool and almost immediately, Grandpa Lu had noticed.
"I still don't like that man." Grandpa Lu grumbled.
"Dad." Lu Xiaoling said with a frown.
"He hurt you..." Grandpa Lu said with a bitter face, but then he looked down and said, "but I hurt you more... so I'm not going to say I don't accept your marriage. Lili would hate me if I said that anyways..."
Lu Xiaoling didn't say anything after her father had said this, and neither did he. They just slowly walked down the aisle.
Once Lu Xiaoling stood in front of Tang Yian, she looked up to him bashfully, wondering what his reaction would be and as soon as she looked up, she saw his eyes glisten with tears.
"Don't cry." Lu Xiaoling blurted our almost immediately.
Hearing this, Tang Yian smiled and said, "I'm sorry for everything I did in the past. I love you. I always have. I always will. "
Everything was a big word. Or at least in was to Lu Xiaoling. Everything could range from pressuring her to keep a child she wasn't ready to have to not chasing after her after she had decided to leave but in this case, Lu Xiaoling felt as if she was also at fault...
She had pushed a lot of blame on Yian, on Lu AnLing also, in her younger days. But now it wasn't like that. She wanted to be a family. Despite everything. Not forgetting the past but also not letting it consume them.
Feeling her heart full at the thought, Lu Xiaoling understood her answer to her fears.
Lu Xiaoling felt her eyes water. She swallowed hard and then smiled Tang Yian's way, "I've always loved you too... Stay with me, forever."
Tang Yian reached out to stroke Lu Xiaoling's face. "Forever."
With those words said, there was no more doubt and no more fear.
Lu Xiaoling suddenly felt tears stream down her face. Her tears kissed Tang Yian's fingers which laid warmly on her cheek. She smiled at the man with all her heart.
Love was there, and it had always been there. It had never been lost, but sometimes hard to recognize due to the fact that it was twisted by stress and the hardships of life.
Of course Lu Xiaoling was afraid of losing happiness. Everyone was. But if there was one thing she decided to do, it was to listen to Lu AnLing and Xu Shen...
She shouldn't fear life. Life was meant to be lived. She would have happiness, she would have sadness, but in the end, if she and Tang Yian just tried to understand each other and communicate, they would never break again.
They'd be together forever.
AUTORENGEDANKEN 
caremel
caremel Lu Xiaoling was probably the hardest epilogue to write so far. Though as I’m writing Kang Mingyu’s I feel that his is actually the hardest and it might be the longest also... I can’t wait to complete it then I’ll move on to the Hotel Helios prequel! Anyways, that’s all the update I can give for now, I’m so tired. I haven’t slept in 24 hours...
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