Chapter 202: 2. Gomenasai.
The grey, large-looking but soft paw twitched as a hand gently stroked it. Despite the fur covering it, the paw felt cold instead of warm as it used to be. The hand tenderly squeezed the massive paw, feeling the sharp claws, but the feline was too tired to retract them. Its paw pads were cool, and the woman's small hand tried to warm the limp paw.
In a soft voice, she apologized. "I'm sorry. You're in this mess because of me, and I wish I could take it away. It's not fair that you ended up like this just because of our history."
There was genuine emotion in her voice. The feline's golden eyes gazed at her; they weren't angry or upset, just tired and filled with a hint of pain.
This prompted her to ask, "Are you in pain? Can I give you more medication? Do you want to... God damn it... do you want to be sedated and peacefully fall asleep? I can make that happen if this is too much for you. I can't help you."
Her voice cracked. She tried to get her voice to work. It was thick with emotions, like regret, and loss.
The cat nodded, exhausted but knowing it had accomplished what it set out to do. It was simply its time. She had used all of her nine lives, and her legacy lived on.
In its mind, it whispered, to the woman sitting next to her. "Don't numb the pain, keep feeling it, for me, please..."
Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, she nodded and reached for an infusion pump.
Speaking to the feline, she said, "I'll adjust your medication, and you'll just sleep until..."
The feline seemed to smile as she pressed the buttons; she was the doctor, so she knew what she was doing.
As the feline relaxed and its eyes closed, the woman sitting beside it said, "Gomenasai, my friend, gomenasai until the end..."
Her voice broke, and she sobbed quietly.
A soft voice behind her said, "I'm here. Keep feeling, don't suppress it. I've got you. You're not alone."
His arms wrapped around her, and she finally rested her face on his chest, her tears wetting his shirt. He stroked her back and murmured soothingly, allowing her to feel and being there for her, even though it wasn't easy for her to experience anything positive.
After a while, he felt her relax; her sobbing had ceased, and her calm breathing indicated that she had fallen asleep. He picked her up and carried her back to her office. When she woke up, she would once again be devoid of emotions, and it would take time before she could feel again. It was just too difficult for her, and she had tried to shield herself from feeling, but this pain had been too overwhelming.
A few days later.
As I removed my stethoscope and observed that the heartbeat had ceased, I clinically stated, "Exitus at 13:40. Thank you for everything. I will perform the autopsy tomorrow or the day after, depending on our workload. Please proceed to place the body in cold storage, and I will take it from there."
I glanced at Bella, who had just died, despite my best efforts to save her. It was now my duty to conduct the autopsy, document the information for the NSA, and proceed with the disposal process. It was a straightforward task, as long as I didn't have to feel.
This had been the newest weapon that the evil Sarks had launched against me, and I was well aware that my new protocols in South America had contributed to this. However, we would be prepared to deal with it.
As I walked out of the medbay and into my office, Jarod followed me, as he had been doing all along. When I had originally managed to get out of the hospital and make plans to go to Europe, he was the one who found me. He knew what was wrong with me, as he had previously cured or assisted other vampires who found themselves in a similar state.
He didn't let me go; instead, he ensured that my recovery, albeit slow, would progress. Despite my attempts to block out my emotions, I couldn't prevent them from surfacing when things got tough. But he was there, living with me on the base, rarely leaving my side. Even when I was in the shower, he would be waiting outside, patiently waiting for me to finish.
My pretender side had not yet awakened, and this was the real me. Perhaps he stayed with me because of that. Paranoia would occasionally grip me, and he would notice it. He also recognized when I was on the verge of feeling something and wouldn't allow me to suppress it. He understood I needed to experience and embrace my emotions, believing that someday I would feel something positive. However, being unique, there was no way for him to know when that day would come.
I was sitting behind my desk in Bulgaria, accompanied by Jarod and Miss Parker. We had traveled together throughout Europe. Miss Parker, being an expert, had her own clinic and had spent some time there. Jarod had joined me without me asking, always surprising me with his presence. Gone were the days of being alone; no matter what state I was in or what my plans were, there was always someone there for me.
Having some money to spare and craving a sense of fulfillment, I impulsively bought new houses and even a few castles, including the magnificent one in Bulgaria. It was a wickedly big castle, perfect for its beauty. Once I felt better, I looked forward to decorating it and finding satisfaction in doing so.
Little did I know at the time that this castle, our castle, would become a place of both heated arguments and passionate make-up sex between Damon and me. The walls would bear witness to our loud disagreements, but I had no idea what the future held for this castle.
A few days had passed since the autopsy on Bella. Unfortunately, it was clear that there was no saving her, no matter what I could have done. I had taken all the necessary samples for processing, which would take a few weeks. In the meantime, I had ensured proper cold storage and would handle the disposal once all the results were in.
I was in my office, engrossed in the possibility of purchasing a portion of a weather satellite. It would be a fantastic investment, as this particular satellite was brand new and yet to be launched. We had the money, and once it was up and running, we would have our very own satellite to utilize. They were willing to sell us a portion, but I was determined to negotiate for the largest portion and the best deal available.
Just as I was about to delve into the negotiations, Jarod's voice interrupted my concentration, reminding me that it was time to take a break and grab a bite to eat. Muttering a response, I set aside my plans momentarily, knowing that the opportunity to buy a weather satellite could wait.
But as Jarod continued to persist, I had to pause my efforts to fine-tune my latest offer to the company and head to the kitchen. Jarod took good care of me, ensuring that I felt and continued to feel as comfortable as possible. He was quite knowledgeable about my nutrition, and since my camouflage power had not been effective, he and Miss Parker had devised a plan to improve my physical fitness.
This plan didn't involve eating bugs, although I had some encounters with spiders and scorpions. I had asked my people to get them to me, as I knew my enzymes were lacking. However, Miss Parker was conducting tests on them to isolate certain substances that could enhance my enzymes and eliminate potentially harmful substances found in those animals. She bluntly told me that there were about 15 substances in them that were useful and over 500 bad ones, so it was useful for someone to test those venoms and make correct preparations that would do the trick without poisoning me. So, I had my caretakers.
I walked into the kitchen feeling blissfully numb still. There was no irritation, only cold logic that stated that it was important for me to eat. But the same logic told me that it would be beneficial to have time to focus on my work and not to jump around all the time.
Our kitchen area was spacious, with sleek black and steel furnishings. The large tables could accommodate up to 20 people at a time. Since this was a large base with hundreds of people working here, ample eating space was necessary. I sat down, feeling the hardness of the chair beneath my bony backside.
The cold, sterile whiteness of the table almost glared at me, and I felt something stirring inside me again. I tried to suppress it. I felt alone. Here I was, sitting in this vast kitchen at a huge table, and there was no one else around, just me. And then Jarod brought my food, sat next to me, and looked at me.
He spoke softly, "Go on, let it flow. I know it's not pleasant, but let it happen. Wake up your brain a little more."
I replied in a barely audible voice, "I feel so incredibly alone. I am lonely, immortal, and a unique species. There will never be someone exactly like me."
Jarod smiled and said, "You're right. The universe can't handle more than one of you. That's why there's only one of you, just like there's only one of me. There aren't many pure doppelgangers in the world, and even those who resemble each other aren't truly the same. So, in a way, we are all unique."
I focused on my meal, savoring the taste and texture of the food in my mouth, just as Miss Parker and Jarod had taught me. I was awakening my brain here, but then the memories of Bella's death, the destruction of the hive, the pain I witnessed on Wulfe's face, and the agony I felt when my bond with Damon burned away all overwhelmed me.
I swallowed my food, trying to regain my focus and appreciate the warm softness of the potato mash and the savory tanginess of the perfectly seared Wagyu beef. I was feeling alright, but it felt like too much. It was overwhelming, and I didn't want to feel anymore. I wanted it to stop.
Jarod whispered to me, "Keep believing you're making progress. I'm here for you. Feel it. That's it. Good. Let it wash over you. Shh... You're fine. You're just fine..."
Unaware, I buried my face in Jarod's chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. It felt sluggish compared to my frantic rhythm. It brought a lingering sense of something, making this even harder. I had to put a stop to this. I couldn't continue feeling like this. The world seemed devoid of color, filled only with despair and depression. Nothing felt good.
I was exhausted from the constant emotions. And then, it all faded away. The pain, the agony, the emotions, all faded until I was blissfully numb. My tears dried up, and I repositioned myself to sit more comfortably.
I said, "I'm okay now. I should eat."
Jarod never felt disappointed when I stopped feeling. He simply let me continue eating and pondering my offer, thinking of ways to improve it for maximum benefit in our fight against the evil forces of the world. Distraction worked well, but deep down, I knew that one day I would have to face my emotions again. But not yet.
For now, I had reached a state of numbness, and it served me well. It kept me productive, objective, and a strong leader, rather than the broken, sobbing mess that I had become when my brain desperately tried to come back online. Oh, how I longed for a peaceful sleep, where I could wake up without heartbreak and experience good feelings. Patience was the key. I had to show myself mercy.
Jarod reassured me I was making progress, faster than an average vampire would. But it still wouldn't be easy. I was grateful that, at times, I could shield myself from feeling.
I knew just how badly I had hurt the pack, and this was my punishment for causing them pain. I had torn away the very thing that had given them life like no other, but I couldn't help but ruin things. Whether it was my own happiness or someone else's, I always managed to destroy it. But more importantly, my actions had put the lives of others in danger.
As I saw three females walking to the kitchen, I was reminded of the consequences of my choices. It was my burden to bear, even if it sometimes felt overwhelming. Bella's life was not easy to sacrifice, as she had been a part of me for decades. A part of me had died when she was taken away. It felt when I was performing an autopsy on someone who used to be a part of me. I had autopsied a creature whose form I had once taken. It felt almost like making an autopsy for myself, my own body.
God damn it, there were still reminders of our life together, like her lack of anal glands. Damon had removed them so I wouldn't mark my territory, and he had also taken care of the hairs in her ear to prevent nasty infections. I could still remember the strange feeling in my ears when I took my form, or Bella's form, after that procedure. It was as if my head was echoing.
All of these memories flooded my mind, and despite not feeling much, there was still something. Maybe it was a faint echo of what I should be feeling, but it wasn't complete numbness anymore. My time of feeling nothing was ending, and the reality of my mistakes was haunting me fully. There would be no mercy for me. I would have Jarod, who had caught me and carried me, both literally and metaphorically.
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