To improve a clumsy rendering, start by identifying the main issues. Is it the plot that's unclear? Or are the characters flat? Once you know what's wrong, you can work on it. For example, if the plot is the problem, you can create a more detailed outline. If the characters lack depth, add more details about their personalities, motives, and backstories. Reading books on writing techniques can also be very helpful. It can give you new ideas on how to structure your story, create engaging dialogue, and build a vivid setting. And don't forget to practice writing regularly to improve your overall skills.
First, read the story aloud. This can help you notice awkward phrasings and areas where the flow is off. Then, simplify the language if it's too convoluted. Cut out any unnecessary words or descriptions that don't add to the story. Next, focus on the story's pacing. Make sure there are no parts that drag or move too quickly. You can also try to add more sensory details to make the story more immersive. For instance, describe how things look, smell, feel, and sound. Finally, ask for help from beta readers or writing groups. They can offer different perspectives and suggestions for improvement.